What kind of an idiot would semi take advantage of a good friend?

I guess that would be me.

I know it takes two to tango, or whatever the fuck they say. But Kerri’s a vulnerable girl, and I…I took advantage. I mean, I know she kissed me first and everything, but I could have just said ‘no’ and been done with it. But I went there. I deepened the kiss, got her naked. I was inches away from having sex with her…literally. It’s been way too long since I’ve had sex. I found that out the hard way. I swear, I had to jack off for a good hour before I got all that shit out of my system. I was cursing myself out the entire time too. No, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m not the type of guy that enjoys pleasuring himself. The whole thing is really fucked up. I mean, I swore I’d never do that kind of thing with Kerri. I know what happened between us was exactly the kind of shit that went down between her and Justin, and I’m so pissed at myself for allowing it to happen to her again. I know it could have been worse. I could have went all the way, but I’m not going to sit around and use that as my excuse. I’m not going to tell myself that “I didn’t have sex with her so it doesn’t matter.” That’s bullshit. It does matter.

It’s been over a week, and we‘ve barely spoken. I think that’s what’s really getting to me.

Of course work has kept her busy. Kerri’s been putting in some extra hours this week for a big event they have coming up. Next weekend KISS is having their annual Movies Rock event at the Kodak Theater. It‘s basically a bunch of rock stars singing old movie themes in front of a crowd of teenagers. I remember Justin was asked to do it at the beginning of last year, but he had album promotion going on so he couldn’t, not to mention the fact that he thought it was a lame idea. Even so, I know Kerri is excited about it, despite the fact that she hasn‘t discussed it with me. Tarin‘s been filling me in, because she cares and she knows that I worry about how Kerri‘s doing at work. Tarin told me I shouldn’t worry. She’s organizing the whole thing apparently, so she’s going to take Kerri under her wing and keep her away from some of the bitchier interns that work at the station. I’m happy for her. She’ll learn a lot, and well…I guess I’m hoping it will make her forget about some things too.

Do I truly regret what happened? Mostly yes, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t. It fulfilled a lot of the curiosity I had about Kerri I guess. It’s horrible to say, but I’d always wanted to see her naked. I feel like a fucking pig. But she’s beautiful. She really is. If I could have her, I’d have her in every way possible. If I could love her…I’d do it with my whole heart. But I know I can’t. I know I couldn’t handle her, and she’s just not ready . She fell into our kissing…whatever it was, like it wasn’t an issue. I know she was pushing herself to do it. Especially after, when she told me she was afraid she was going to lose me. It made my heart sink, because I knew that she had a reason for getting into bed with me then. It wasn’t about me…that she liked me or anything. No, she just took notice to Tarins ‘thing’ for me, and it scared her. I didn’t push her for details. I’m assuming Kerri read Tarins note that first day at the station. I don’t blame her. I shouldn’t have expected her not to look at it. Although, that note hadn’t said much…just asked her to hang out on the weekend.

But Kerri’s not a moron.

I’m not going to deny it. Tarin’s a great girl, and I guess I forced myself to push her out of my mind after we split up because I knew how strenuous long distance relationships could be. The moment I stepped into the office that day to pull strings for Kerri’s job, I remembered how much I used to like her, and how much I missed her when we were forced to split up. And I pissed her off that first week that Kerri started. She thought I was a manipulative asshole that had conned her into getting Kerri a job. But we talked on the phone a few times, and then I met her for lunch one day. It was nice. We went to this little diner around the corner from the radio station. Tarin told me Kerri didn’t know where she was, and I told her it was probably better that way.

“Are you guys having issues?” she’d asked, as she stirred some sugar into her coffee.

I could feel my face turn slightly red, and I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn’t give myself away. “No, no…we’re okay. You know, she’s just under a lot of pressure right now and stuff. It’ll work out.” I’m a really terrible liar too. Justin can hold me to that. My face turns red and I stutter, and that moment with Tarin was no different. “It’s just hard. We’ve both been through a lot, and sometimes…I don’t know…we can be shitty to each other.”

“That’s how relationships work, Trace,” she told me, with a reassuring smile. “You might fight, but at the end of the day you almost always realize how much you care about the other person. That’s the most important thing.”

It was the strangest thing to me at the time. She was talking about Kerri like she and I had some kind of intimiate relationship going on. I didn’t understand why. I mean, I had told Tarin that Kerri was a good friend and shit…but I never thought I’d implied that we were dating. That was the last thing I would have implied actually. “Tarin…” I’d laugh a little nervously. “What are you talkin’ about?”

She gave me a dumb look, like I was the one that was confusing her. “Well… Kerri is your girlfriend. I thought I’d give you some advice or whatever.” She looked down at her coffee. “Sorry.”

“Girlfriend?” It was the only word I could seem to get out, because I was literally floored. My first thought was that, for whatever reason, Kerri had broken down and told Tarin what had gone between us in my bedroom. I felt sick. I didn’t want her to know. “She’s not my girlfriend,” I’d whispered, seriously.

She shook her head. “You don’t have to deny it for my sake Trace. It’s really not…”

“Tarin,” I’d interrupted her, a little angrily. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Well one of you is confused then,” she’s laughed a little and shook her head. “Because Kerri seems to think that’s exactly who she is.”

“What?”

“Last week I…I just asked Kerri what your status was with her, that’s all. When I got your note it sounded like you know…you wanted to hang out with me.” She licked her lips, and her face turned a light shade of pink. She was obviously embarrassed that she was being forced to divulge her intentions with me, but I think I was too shocked to focus on that then. “She said that you were working out your problems. That you were dating and stuff. So I backed off.”

My mouth must have hung open for about ten minutes. I couldn’t believe that Kerri would have said something like that, especially to Tarin. It was then that I understood why she’d been so ‘afraid’ of losing me. Tarin must have been giving Kerri the idea that she liked me or something. It made my emotions flare. What I really wanted to do was wait until Kerri got out of work so I could scream at her. But at the same time I knew I couldn’t do that. We’d done the unthinkable in my bed, and hadn’t been speaking much since. Springing a tantrum on her, I knew, would seriously fuck her up. But I didn’t really know what else to do. I felt betrayed…hurt. I’d never stood in the way of her and Justin doing their thing. Sure I’d been against it…but I never interfered. That’s not what a friend does. But Kerri obviously felt it was okay to lie to Tarin, so she’d still be able to have me all to herself.

And for once, I wasn’t going to play it safe for Kerri’s sake. I didn’t care how mentally unbalanced she was. This time, it was about me.

“Don’t listen to anything Kerri says when it comes to me and her,“ I’d said softly, regretfully. “Believe me, I’m single.” I’d grasped her hand quickly, which shocked her I guess because her head snapped up right away. “And I want to take you to dinner.”

She slowly slid her hand out from mine, and shot me a confused glance. “I don’t know, Trace. I mean, why would Kerri lie? I’ll admit, I haven’t been overly nice to her or anything when it comes to work and getting her familiar with things. But I can tell she’s a nice girl, and she seems to care about you a lot.”

I had to laugh a little. I hated throwing Kerri under the bus, but Tarin was my friend. Somebody that I’d been able to trust and confide in at one point in my life. Somebody I probably would have fallen completely in love with, if it hadn’t been for our hectic schedules. And Kerri…Tarin didn’t even know the half of her story. She didn’t know how manipulative Kerri could be when she wanted to get her way. She didn’t know that she’d tell you she loved you one minute and then ditch you when something better came along. I…I hated to admit that to myself. I got choked up and shit. But I knew I was right. I knew…I knew that if Justin hadn’t been such a fucking asshole she would have been living with him, not giving a damn about me, and I would have been alone. I had to accept it.

And I did.

“You don’t know her like I do,” I whispered. “She’s a great girl, you know? I’ll always love her…she’s like family to me, Tar. But at the same time she’s got so many issues she doesn’t know how to react when…when somebody else has decided to move on.” I looked into her eyes and I could tell she knew exactly what had happened. That she’d been lied to so she’d stay away from me. She’d frowned, and at first I thought she was pissed off at me. But then she took my hand again, and I knew she was only angry because she’d accepted the truth.

“I can’t believe she’d do that,” she’d scoffed. “What the hell, Trace? You get the girl a job, you take care of her, and this is how she repays you? If I were you, I’d throw her out of the house…”

“No,” I’d interrupted her quickly and shook my head. “It’s not that deep. I…I understand why she did what she did, okay?” Was I protecting Kerri again? Maybe a little, but I knew that throwing her out of my house and telling her she was on her own was out of the question. Kerri may have fucked up…again, but she still didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from me. I’d promised her that I’d help her until she didn’t need me to anymore, and I wasn’t going break that promise. That’s not how I treat my friends…even though they’ve all treated me that way at some point. “It’s just…she’s insecure, and she‘s been through entirely too much. If she doesn’t have me, she doesn’t have anybody.”

“And you need a life too,” she’d said, without much emotion. “If I had known all of this in the beginning I wouldn’t have even hired her.”

I’d smiled. “I know.”

“You’re such a jerk.”

The subject changed after that, but only because I forced it to. She tried to bring Kerri up a couple of more times of course, but I told her I would handle it. I told her that all I really wanted to do then, was talk to her…tell her some stuff I’d been thinking over every time we’d get off the phone. And I did.

“Look, Tarin..it’s been awhile,” I’d whispered, looking into her eyes. “And I guess I’ve just been so bombarded with all this crazy shit that I haven’t had the chance to stop and remember us. But lately…lately I have.” I looked down at the table and laughed softly. “Just come out with me Saturday night, okay?”

“What if I do?,” she’d asked me. “And we’re out having a great time, and then Kerri calls you crying because she’s lonely or some stupid shit. Are you going to run out on me, Trace? Because I’m not going to put up with that. I…I have a few guys that have been dying to get a date with me this week and I’ve turned them all down. I mean yeah, I guess I’ve been holding out for you or something. But right now I don’t know…maybe I shouldn’t…maybe I…”

I’d silenced her with a kiss. I knew she’d wanted it, and hell…I really wanted it too. When I broke it off, she hadn’t slapped me or yelled at me like I’d thought she would have. She just sort of stared, and then she smiled at me a little bit.

“So that’s a yes then?,” I’d laughed. “Is seven o’clock okay?”

She threw a sugar packet at me. “If you’re late I’m never giving you another chance.”

That was Tuesday afternoon. I’d picked Kerri up from work that night, but I hadn’t been able to say anything to her about what I’d found out. She looked so exhausted, as she’d gotten out of work at eight o’clock instead of five because of all the planning that was going on. I didn’t want to burden her with more stress. I got her some take out instead, asked her if she needed to talk. She said no, we ate in front of the TV, and then we both went to bed. Now it’s Friday night and I haven’t even attempted to tell her that I have a date tomorrow night, and that I’ll be leaving her here alone, for the first time since she moved in with me. I confess, I feel like crap about that, but at the same time I wouldn’t pass up a chance to have a night on the town with Tarin for anything.

“How was it today?”

She sits down in front of the computer and moves the mouse around a little bit. “Busy.”

“Hey.” I rest my hands on the end of the computer desk and stick my face in front o f hers. “I kind of need to talk to you.”

She pushes me away gently. “I kind of have some stuff I need to do.”

“Kerri, I know what you’re doing,” I whisper. “You can’t avoid me forever.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to, Trace,” she grunts. “I need to be able to have some sort of control over my sanity.”

Her comment reminds me of the fact that she lied to Tarin. I suck in a breath. “Yeah. I can see that. You tend to find the best way possible to keep the reality in the back of your mind.”

She doesn’t look at me. “You kissed me too, you know. Don’t blame this whole confusing thing on me, like you always tend to do.”

“I never blame shit on you,” I snap at her, and it gets her to look at me this time. “And I wasn’t even talking about….that, anyway.”

“Right.”

She goes back to her computer like it doesn’t even matter to her. Any other time I’d feel bad, and apologize…tell her I was wrong. But I wont do that right now. I‘m too angry, and I’m tired of taking what she says and turning it into a positive thing when it‘s really not. “Just so you know,” I start up again. “The next time you decide that you and I are a couple, could you let me know? I need to pencil it in on my fucking planner.” I’m so disgusted with her at this point that I don’t wait for her lame response. I just walk into the kitchen and grab a beer…something that’s been nonexistent in my house since Kerri has come to stay. This week I didn’t care though. I figured she needed to learn to control herself, and since it was my house I was entitled to have a beer or two if I wanted.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I sip my beer and look over at her. She’s standing in the archway now, a look of complete surprise on her face. She knows I’ve figured her out…I know her fucking little secret. How stupid does she think I am? “Don’t play dumb, Kerri,” I laugh. “Did you think Tarin wouldn’t tell me? Did you honestly think you intimidated her to the point where she wouldn’t talk to me anymore?”

She knows exactly what’s going on now, not that she didn’t before…but she’s admitting defeat now. The look of surprise has replaced itself with a look of utter embarrassment. “I was afraid.”

“You’re turning into Justin,” I tell her, and I guzzle the rest of the beer before throwing the bottle into the garbage. “A manipulative, lying, little asshole. And you parade around and act like everybody else is the one with the problem…that you’re just poor little confused Kerri, and the world owes you something.”

“Trace….”

“No.” I have to suck in a breath to keep from hollering at her. “This is it Ker. I’m done with you and your little mind games. I mean, I said I’d help you and I am. You can stay here, you don’t have to worry about anything like that. And if you need something, yeah I’ll be here for you. But I’m not sacrificing my free time and my chances at possible relationships for you anymore. I…I can’t. It’s just not fair to me.” I step toward her, and she shrinks back into the living room, sobbing as she sits down on the couch. I refuse to hug her or anything like that right now. She brought this on herself, and she’s going to have to deal with it. “I can’t believe you’d tell her we were together,” I chuckle once I enter the living room again. “After how you pushed so hard for me to not have those kind of feelings for you. You need fucking help Kerri. Serious fucking mental help.” I’m not helping anything right now. No, I’m not yelling at her…but I am degrading her. I need to just stop and leave her alone to think about things. I’m just so angry though…and I want her to know that.

But she’s crying so hard right now. Harder than I realized. It takes everything in me to keep standing here and not run to her side so I can baby her. “Stop crying,” I finally say. “Just stop.”

“You’re all I have!” She screams at me. “I told you that! I’m…I’m sorry I lied, Trace! I didn’t know what else to do!”

“It was fucking selfish.”

She doesn’t answer.

I think for a few minutes. I try to conjure up some kind of logical idea that will calm us both down. I know we can’t keep going like this…not right now. It’s unhealthy. Kerri will suffer and so will I. Maybe…

Oh god.

I think of Elisha for the first time in forever. Not in a sexual way, just as…I know she’s somebody I can call that will give a damn about Kerri right now. “How about you go to Elisha’s for a couple of days, Ker? I think it would be good for you to get away.”

“You just want to fuck your new girlfriend.”

That’s it. She’s a god damn mess. “I’m calling,” I snap at her. “This is ridiculous.”

“You said I could stay!” she sobs, as I dial. “Trace!”

I click the phone off, and rub my face with my hands. “You can,” I say, my voice strangely calm. “But I think right now, it’s the best thing for you to get out of this house for the weekend.”

“You mean it’s the best thing for you.”

She’s right. It’s the first logical thing she’s said all day and that shocks me. “Maybe.”

“You hate me.”

I click the phone back on. “I don’t hate you. It’s just…this kind of thing has gone on for too long, all right? I love you, you know that. But we can’t do this anymore.” I dial and raise the phone to my ear, keeping my gaze locked on her in case she decides to say anything else. She doesn’t though. She just sits there, staring out into space…almost like she’s in a trance. It gives me chills and I nearly hang up and go over to see if she’s going to be okay. But then I hear Elisha’s voice, and I can’t focus on Kerri anymore.

“Ker!,” she says happily, obviously thinking it’s her that’s called and not me. “Are you finally going to come out with us?”

“Hey,” I say softly, like I’ve said to her so many times before.

“Trace?”

A silence comes over the line, and I throw another look back at Kerri before going into the next room to talk to my ex girlfriend. She’s still sitting there, same dazed look on her face. Fuck…what did I do? “Yeah, it’s me.” I close myself in my bedroom and sit down on the bed. “I just need to talk to you for a minute.”

“Sure,” she says, uneasily. “What…whats wrong? Are you okay?”

It almost makes me smile to think that she still cares a little bit, but I quickly shrug the thought away. This isn’t about me right now, as much as I wish it were. “I’m fine. I just need to ask you a favor. It’s…it’s about Kerri so I figured you’d understand.”

“What’s going on?,” she asks, the worry in her voice growing with each word. “Did something happen? She’s okay isn’t she?”

“Yeah she’s okay, it’s nothing that bad,” I tell her. “I was just wondering if she could stay at your place for the weekend. We’ve been getting too much of each other, you know? And I know she can trust you…” I pause and sigh. “I know I can trust you too.”

She tells me that she just got out of the shower but she’ll be over as soon as she can throw some clothes on. I hang up after that, feeling a large part of the stress I had built up inside leave me. That’s the good thing about Elisha. She’s really dependable, and if she cares about you, she’ll drop everything for you in a second if she means she can help. Yeah, I know our relationship pretty much fell apart. Actually, this is the first time I’ve talked to her in a long time. The first time…I’ve felt comfortable doing it. I’ve been treating her communication with Kerri as a bad thing up until now. I don’t know why. I was being selfish then I guess. I kept thinking about how my relationship with Elisha was over and I couldn’t get it back. It upset me. But now I’m over it. Maybe Elisha and I could even be friends again one day. Yeah…that would be nice.

I go back out there, not because I want to but because I know I have to. But she’s not sitting on the couch anymore. “Kerri.” I listen for her to respond but she never does. I sigh and search the six rooms of my condo, calling out to her. She’s nowhere to be found though. I almost start to panic, but then I realize she might have gone outside, and I need to keep myself calm if I’m going to go out and look for her. I go out to the driveway, and she’s not hanging around by the cars or by the neighbors cars. I call her name again, trying not to be too loud, and of course she doesn’t answer me. I walk down to the pool…no luck. Then I walk down to the tennis courts, and that’s where I find her. She’s just sitting there, next to the net, head in her hands. For the first time I look at her and I realize I don’t completely understand her anymore. I used to…I really used to. There was a time when I thought I was more in sync with her than Justin was, but then all this shit happened…and it’s not that way anymore. She loves me, but I think it’s more of a needful kind of love than anything else. When she first came here, I didn’t care. I was still so fucked up from being alone and cut off from Justin and shit that I didn’t know how else to react to her being here. I just needed her then, I figured I was in love with her and I didn’t care what I had to do. But now…now I realize I’m more separated from her private drama than I cared to realize in the past. I stare at her, and I realize I have no clue what runs through her mind at any given moment.

I don’t think there’s a person in the world that does. And that includes Justin.

I open the gate, and walk over to her. She doesn’t look up at me though, she just continues to sit there. I sit down in front of her, but I don’t say anything. For once I’ll wait for her. I realize I never give her that opportunity. I don’t give her the opportunity to do a lot of things on her own. I just do it all for her. Yeah, it’s what she wants, but its not what she needs.

“I can’t say anything,” she croaks out. “There’s nothing to say.”

“That’s fine.” It’s deadly quiet then. She looks like she’s struggling with herself, but I’m not going to sit here and try to pry her feelings out of her like always. I wont touch her either. No…no something is telling me that right now isn’t the time for that.

“You know, when you told me…about Lynn, I…I was so jealous.” She laughs loudly and that scares me, but I don’t interrupt her. “Because I know that you’ll go back to him, and he won’t hold anything against you, Trace.”

She‘s talking about Justin, and that‘s definitely not a subject I‘m willing to get into right now. “Kerri, we shouldn’t be talking about this right now,” I say quickly. “Let’s just go inside, okay. Come…”

“No!”

I freeze. She has a wild look in her eyes, like she’s finally been pushed to her limit, and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

“You don’t understand.” She sobs for awhile, before she can gain enough control to continue. “I want to hate him…I want to hate him but I can’t fucking hate him! I should…,” she shakes her head and pushes the hair out of her face. “But I can’t. I can’t hate him.”

Something about this is so weird. She hasn’t willingly brought Justin up in months, and it’s freaking me out that she would mention all of this so randomly. It could be because of me…because I told her I was going to see Lynn, but at the same time I know that anytime the subject of Justin is brought up, Kerri tends to pretend it doesn’t bother her. Hell maybe it’s me, maybe I’ve pushed her to the edge tonight. But I know she’s tired of me, and I’m fucking tired of her. It’s for the best that she‘s going to Elisha‘s, and I’m sure she’ll wake up tomorrow and realize that. “Ker, you’re not making sense…” I trail off and even though I don’t want to, I shift a little closer to her. “Why Justin? Why now?”

“I dunno,” she mutters, and rubs her face with her hands. “I’m just tired of it, Trace.”

“Tired of what?”

Then she looks at me. I can barely recognize her in this moment, because she’s let it all out. All the drama and fatigue and sickness that’s been plaguing her. She looks exhausted, sick, and ready to collapse, like she’s been holding so much in for so long that she’s not capable of doing it anymore. “Everything.”

“Then get help,” I say seriously. “Like I always tell you to.”

Suddenly the pain in her face seems to retreat back to the place it came from. “Yeah,” she nods. “I know.” She pushes herself to her feet then, and starts to walk away.

I know now that she was probably about to tell me something, and me being an asshole acted like I didn’t care. Fuck. “Ker just wait a second.” I catch up to her before she can get out of the gate. “Is there something else?”

She turns to me, her eyes flooded with tears. This isn’t Kerri…this is somebody else. She’s never been this bad around me before. I think what happened between us sort of set her off, but I’m not going to blame myself or feel guilty. It happened, and I know that we can still be mature about it. “I can’t tell you,” she whispers.

“You can tell me anything. Come on Kerri..I…things are fucked up right now but I’m still here,” I reassure her. “We’ve always told each other everything.”

“Do you know how bad I wish I could say something?,” she says, her voice trembling. “It will make things worse if I do.”

I shake my head. “How much worse can things get?” My cell phone starts to ring, and I know it’s probably Elisha wondering where the hell we are, but I don’t want to answer. Something is telling me that whatever Kerri’s hiding is really really important, and it’s killing her inside. I just want to grab her, shake her, and force her to tell me what’s going on. But I know that won’t solve anything.

“You should answer that,” she whispers.

“I want you to tell me,” I tell her sternly. “It’s important.”

She shakes her head. “I can’t.”

I sigh harshly. “Well what the fuck Kerri?”

She stares at me.

“Fine.” I pull the cell phone out of my pocket, which is on it’s third call back, and I flip it open. “Sorry, Elisha…we went for a walk.” She tells me that we nearly scared the shit out of her, and I reassure her that we’ll be right up, before flipping the phone closed. “Kerri I…” I pause. I make a decision right then and there. She’s turning into a mental case, and she’s not going to be able to keep a job or move on with her life unless she makes a complete turn over. “I can’t have you living here with me…unless you’re going to try and get help.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Think about that over the weekend.” I hate being a bastard, but I guess she really angered me when she pulled that shit about Justin and what she couldn’t’ tell me right now. It leaves me with too many questions that I don’t have answers to, and I really hate that. We walk back to the condo in silence. I even walk ahead of her a little bit so I don’t have to listen to her whimpering. I hate myself for doing it too…but I know this is the only way I’m going to get through to her.

“You guys scared the crap out of me!” Elisha says, once we reach my condo again. It’s apparent she’s been waiting by my door for awhile now, very impatiently. “What the hell?”

“Sorry.” I kiss her on the cheek quickly. “Kerri’s just gotta get clothes and then you’ll be all set.”

“Hun what’s wrong?” Elisha rushes to Kerri’s side, when she notices what kind of shape she’s in. She pulls her closer and rubs her back a little. Kerri finally gives in, and starts sobbing into her. “Trace, what’s wrong with her?”

Usually I’d say she wasn’t feeling well or she’d had a hard day at work…anything to cover up for the real truth. But I’m tired of lying. The whole Kerri/Tarin thing has made me see how bad it really is and I don’t want that kind of shit happening in my life anymore. “She needs help and she wont get it. There’s nothing I can do if she’s going to cry and not tell me what her problem is.”

“What the hell is your problem?” Elisha snaps at me as I open the door.

I walk inside, and don’t answer, hoping she’ll just drop it. But of course, being the persistant person she is, she won’t.

“Trace this girl is a mess! Tell me what’s going on or I’m not taking her anywhere!”

I turn to her, and feel my composure slip away. I‘m angry now, and I don’t care who knows it. “You want to know what’s wrong with her, Elisha? Then you fucking talk to her! Because she’s not talking to me anymore, she’s just turning crazier every damn day. I can’t take it!”

Kerri runs into her room after that, and slams the door behind her. That leaves me with a less than friendly looking Elisha standing in front of me, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

“Ya know Trace, I really thought that you were a mess before she came back,” she says softly, taking a seat at my bar. “It’s one of the biggest reasons I pushed so hard for her to come back here and stay with you. I knew she didn’t want to be with her parents, anymore than you wanted to be here alone.” She shakes her head, and lets out a sad laugh. “Now you can see how bad she is, and you want nothing to do with her anymore. You just want to shove her off on somebody else, because you’ve found something better to do with your time.”

I ball my fists at my sides and clench my teeth because I don’t want to have a full out tantrum in front of Elisha right now. It’s bad enough that we don’t speak, and I don’t want to give her the impression that I’ve turned into a bastard. “We messed around. We shouldn’t have. It’s probably part of the problem.” I’m shocked I told her, but then again this is the woman I used to tell all of my secrets to.

“Wait…” she gets up off the bar stool and places her hands on her hips. “You had sex?,” she whispers, probably so Kerri won’t hear.

“No, not exactly.” I shake my head rapidly. “I mean…we could have but…”

“Trace!”

“I know!”

“Oh my god.” She slaps a hand to her forehead. “I can’t believe this.”

“Elisha.” I shuffle over to her, and grab her hand, pleadingly. “Please…you gotta help me.”

She sighs, and stares at me, sternly at first, but then it changes to a look of sympathy. “You know better. You know what happened with her and Justin.”

“I know,” I say. “It just…it just happened, okay? I never said I was proud of it. But she’s been a mess besides all of that. She’s seriously fucked up, and she won’t get herself help. I’ve tried. I got her a shrink…I did everything I could. But she’s just, I dunno…terrified of talking to anybody.” I shake my head. I feel horrible, like I’m throwing Kerri under the bus when I shouldn’t be. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping that maybe Elisha will have some good advice, because I’m pretty much out of ideas. “Just tonight she was about to tell me something, and then she just …decided not to. I can’t deal with that. She needs help.” I feel the tears now, and damn it…I didn’t want to be doing this tonight. “She needs help, Elisha.”

Elisha nods, very slowly. And then out of nowhere, she pulls me into a hug. It feels good, and I realize that I’ve missed her friendship, even though I was angry at her for a long time. “I’m sorry,” I sob into her as she holds me. “I’ve tried everything I know with Kerri. I love her, but I can’t do this anymore.”

After a little while she pulls back and looks at me again, seriously this time. “I know a place,” she whispers. “But she’s going to have to want to go. Nobody can force her.”

“What do you mean a place?,” I question her, suspiciously. “Kerri can’t be put into some sort of mental hospital. She wouldn’t make it in there.”

“It’s not like that,” she reassures me. “It’s just a place she can go where she’ll be with people that have been through…the kind of thing she has. I think…I think she needs that. I think she needs to be separated from all of this and put into a place where people aren’t going to analyze her. I think that’s why going to a shrink freaks her out so much Trace. She doesn’t want to be judged or told ‘this is what’s wrong’. Justin got lucky…his shrink clicked with him. It’s a lot harder for Kerri, Trace. She’s never been that personable, from what she’s told me. I think…I think for years you and Justin were the only two people that could even relate to her”

It amazes me that Elisha can analyze Kerri like that. She hasn’t known her all that long, but she’s basically just hit the marker. But of course, I always told the girl that she could have been a psycho therapist. “That’s great and all,” I say lightly. “But if I couldn’t get her to go to a shirnk, I really don’t think I can get her to check out this place.”

“You won’t have to. My friend is up there right now, I was actually planning on going to visit her this weekend. I’ll take Kerri along.”

It sounds great, but I know it’s not going to work. Kerri’s so stubborn, and messed up, I just can’t see her willingly going to a place like that. “Nah, don’t worry about it. It’ll be okay…”

“Stop it.” Elisha says angrily. “Don’t try to make an excuse because you’re scared of what might happen, Trace. You said you’re out of options, and I’m giving you an option.”

“What about her job?” I say, panicked. “She can’t lose her job now.”

“She won’t. The whole purpose of this place is to live your life normally on outside, and when you come home…you’re just going to a place where you feel safe, and comfortable. You can come and go when you want to. And when you’re ready to leave you just…leave.” She smiles at me a little. “I know it will work. I’ve actually been meaning to bring it up to her, I just…I didn’t know when the right time would be.” She pats my shoulder and walks past me. “I’m going to help her pack.”

For a minute I think, yeah…shes’ right. It’s going to be good for Kerri. She’ll get better. But then I remember how scared she is of strangers and being alone. I just…I don’t know what I’d do if she had some kind of mental breakdown because I wasn’t’ around for her. I couldn’t live with that. I frantically dig up an excuse..anything I can think of that will nix this little plan. “But she wont be able to get to work,” I call after her.

“Yes she will.” She smiles, as she reaches Kerri’s door. “She’ll drive. It‘s only a half hour away.”

It’s not something I like to bring up but, Kerri is absolutely terrified of driving now that she had her accident, although nothing else is stopping her from doing it. Her leg with the limp isn’t the leg she’d need to drive with. She still feels really badly that she totaled my SUV too, even though I keep telling her I was about to trade that car in anyway. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little bit afraid of her getting behind the wheel again too. “She’s afraid,” I say, pathetically.

“She’s afraid of everything at the moment,” she scoffs. “If it’s that big of a deal, just bring to her to work and back yourself. Unless,” she pauses and glares at me. “That’s too much trouble for you.”

I roll my eyes. “You know its not.”

“Good, then it’s settled,” she nods. “If Kerri decides she wants to do this, you’ll drive her to work and back everyday, and if you decide you want her to stay here one night…that’s totally up to you.” She sighs. “I’m going in there now, so just…I don’t know, go relax. Take a shower or something. I’ll let you know when we’re leaving.”

She goes into Kerri’s room and closes the door before I can say anything else. I can hear them begin to converse quietly. Quietly enough where I can’t quite make out what they’re saying. It’s wrong of me to pry of course. Elisha told me the plan and I guess I should follow it. Getting Kerri into this place would probably be good for her. Of course I don’t know all the details about it, but that shouldn’t really matter. The person who’s opinion about that place matters is Kerri’s because she’s the person that has to live there. I sit down on the couch, and feel myself begin to tremble. Kerri won’t be living here if she decides to do this. It’s what I implied that I wanted, and deep down…I know I need that space. But I’m so scared for her. Those people don’t know her like I do. They don’t know how to handle here if she goes out of her skull, if she wakes up crying in the middle of the night. They can’t hold her and stroke her hair like I can…they don’t know what to say to make it all go away for just a little while….

But the whole point of Kerri going is so she doesn’t need to depend on me anymore right?

Shit.

I get into the shower and sob my way through it, hoping the sound of the water will drown out any sounds of my crying. It does me some good. When I get out I feel a lot more refreshed, and a little less tense. “Elisha.” I call out, and wipe some of the condensation off of the mirror with a towel.

“We’re waiting on you, Trace.” She calls back.

I wait to hear a response from Kerri too, telling me to hurry up in that non chalant tone of hers. But when she doesn’t answer, I know that she’s still upset. The fact that there’s something seriously wrong with her has taken its toll, and after tonight I know nothing is going to be the same. Yeah, if all goes well she’ll let Elisha talk her into getting this help for herself, and we’ll both be able to live our lives a little bit better. But I can’t lie and say I wont miss having her around. Sure I’ll get to see her, but I doubt our trips to work and back will be very pleasant. She’s going to be pissed at me for sending her away like this…like I gave up. But I’m not giving up…

She just needs help.

I get dressed and finally rejoin my friends in my living room. Kerri is in her pajamas, backpack slung on one shoulder, suitcase in hand. She’s pale, and when I look into her eyes, she doesn’t react. She just looks right through me, and I think she hates me. “Kerri I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t know what else to do.”

She looks at the floor. “It’s fine,” she cracks. “It’s better this way.”

I look at Elisha. “You told her about the place?”

Elisha sighs. “We talked about it,” and she nudges Kerri gently. “Tell him what you told me.”

Kerri looks up at me, this time a little more held together. “It’s a good idea.”

She’s lying. “Don’t go if you don’t want to go,” I say. “I just thought it would be good for you to check it out. You don’t have to make a decision tonight.”

“And if I don’t decide tonight, what then?,” Kerri mutters. “I’m just going to come back here and things are going to stay the same. I can’t get worse, Trace. I need to get my life back and I guess I’ve been too stubborn to do anything about it, even when you went out of your way to make everything okay. I need to do this. I can‘t saddle you with all of this stuff anymore. You know what happened with Tarin…that’s not me, Trace. I hate the person I’m becoming. I--I don’t want to be like him.” She physically shudders.

Elisha shoots me a confused glance, but I don’t feel like getting into what I said to Kerri earlier. Instead, I walk over to Kerri and put my hands on her shoulders. “I didn’t mean to say that,” I whisper and kiss her forehead.

She nods, but quickly backs away from me. “Bye, Trace.”

Without looking back, she takes the car keys from Elisha and walks out the door. Elisha calls out that she’ll be down in a minute, and when Kerri doesn’t respond, I know that she’s really gone. It’s a weird feeling. I keep telling myself that it’s just for the weekend, but then I remember that it’s probably not. In all likelyhood she’s going to move into this ‘place’ and stay there for awhile. It’s for the best. But I feel like I’m letting her down. I was supposed to be the one that made everything better for her, and now she has to go somewhere else for it to be done. I shouldn’t be thinking so negative, I know. I know she needs to distance herself from everything if she wants to get better. But hell, I tried to distance myself from Justin and Kerri and all I could do was come crawling back.

Maybe I’m just not as strong as Kerri is.

But then again, I wasn’t held at gunpoint. That can change a person.

“Are you going to be okay?,” Elisha speaks up.

I look over at her after a moment or two of staring out into space. “I wanted this for her. So I better be.”

“I’ll bring her home Sunday night,” she says. “I’m sure she’ll have already made her decision by then, and if she wants to go to the place we’ll drive her up there together…okay?”

“Yeah.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Trace.”

And I look up at her.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty. You brought her this far. Far enough to consider getting some real help away from you. Nobody could put you down for that.” She smiles a little, and grabs her purse. “I’ll make sure we call you tomorrow. Just try and get some sleep tonight, all right?”

“Okay.” I force a small smile and wave as she closes the door behind her. I don’t really understand what I just did, or how it’s going to effect Kerri’s life. I know I can’t say anything to anybody about this. As far as the radio station is concerned, Kerri is still living with me. And Lynn…I certaintly can’t fill her in. But what about Kerri’s parents? Are they supposed to know? I guess I’ll leave that up to Kerri. It’s not like her life is in danger or anything. She just needs help. And hopefully she’ll get it in that place.

I feel like another beer so I go to the fridge. I end up just taking the whole six pack out, and I sit on the couch with it. I pop open the first one, and sort of melt away. By the end of the sixth I’m just starting to feel out of it, and so I sit there and let my mind wander…hoping that it will take me far, far away from here.

“So it’s Shane, right?”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t look me directly in the eye. “S-H-A-N-E.”

“Cool.” I glance over the application. He’s worked odd jobs here and there, mostly construction work on big buildings in inner cities. My roster is nearly full but Ben told me I need to find ten more guys. This guy seems pretty qualified. “How do you feel about working ten or more hours a day, Shane?”

His eyes seem to light up at the thought of it. “That would be great.”

I smile. He’s the first one that hasn’t really groaned at the aspect of that kind of schedule. “It’s a lot of climbing rigging and shit, are you good at that?”

“I’m good at a lot of things,” he smiles.

He seems genuine enough, and hell I don’t have enough time to run a background check on all of these guys. I smile at him, and stick out my hand. “Well, welcome,” I smile and he shakes my hand. “When can you start?”

“Whenever boss.” He sits back and crosses his arms. “Just tell me when and where. I‘m pretty dedicated.”

“Shit.” My eyes fly open. I’m sweating, and unable to catch my breath. I look all around me. It was a dream, just a dream. “Shit.” I rub my face with my hands.

Yeah, it still plagues me. And I’ve never told anybody how vividly I’ve come to remember that interview, and all the times I saw that bastard backstage…just staring, with that little smile on his face. I still ask myself why I didn’t push to get him investigated. If I’d just said something to Johnny…I’m sure they would have at least questioned the guy. I was just too afraid that somebody would deem me ‘crazy’, and I knew Justin would have wantd to know why I felt that way about one of ‘his’ employees. I know I was irresponsible, but to this day I’m still battling with the question of whether or not Shane was my fault.

And I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer.
********************************
“Can we just take a break today?”

“Nope.” She pulls up on her right leg and stretches out her muscle. “Don’t get like that on me now, Justin. We’ve been doing good this week. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, and you don’t look like the waking dead.” She flashes me a playful smile and starts to jog in place. “If we keep at this who knows? You might end up having a real personality or something.”

“Cute, Mel.”

When Melanie mentioned that she and I would be getting off to a ‘fresh start’, I had no idea that it would entail a five am wake up call everyday, or a two mile run around my neighborhood. I was reluctant at first of course. The first day when she shook me awake and threw my curtains open, I had no problem barking at her to get the hell out of my room. Then she got pissed, asked me if I remembered what we had talked about the night before, and I sort of mellowed. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and ran over in my head what we’d gone over the previous night. I wasn’t’ supposed to be giving her an attitude anymore, because she wasn’t going to tell my mom that I’d been a bad boy and flushed most of my depression medication down the toilet. It made sense to me then. I knew I should have been thankful she was standing there at all, regardless of what time it was. I remember forcing a smile for her, until she told me to cut the crap and put on some jogging clothes.

“Jogging clothes?,” I’d muttered.

But she’d just gone downstairs.

Every morning since then, its been the same routine. She wakes me up, I get dressed, shove some cereal into my mouth, and then we go outside. For the first week Melanie was thoughtful. She kept the whole exercise routine limited to my yard, which isn’t exactly the smallest place in the world. But last week things changed. She said it was time that I started getting out a little bit everyday. Of course, her idea scared the living shit out of me. But for the first time I found myself keeping my feelings hidden from her. It wasn’t because I didn’t want her to rat me out to my mom, surprisingly. No, it was more because I guess…I just didn’t want to disappoint her. I was tired of making her think I was this weak little piece of shit. I wanted to start feeling more like the strong willed, powerful guy that I used to be, and I figured the first step to doing that was to stop being afraid of stupid shit. Yeah the world is fucking scary, but I knew I didn’t want to be a hermit for the rest of my life. And I guess…I really wanted Mel to stick around too.

I didn’t realize how hard it would be to start running again. It slipped my mind I guess, because up until now I’ve been sort of preoccupied with other thoughts. That first morning was terrible. I got a pain in my side within the first hour and I had to stop and rest. Melanie didn’t get mad though…if anything she seemed to understand why I was so out of synch, and I was grateful for that. She made it a point to make sure we stretched afterwards, and she told me that it was going to take some time to start feeling like I used to about running again and shit. I asked her if she doubled as a personal trainer, then she laughed and said no…but that she knew what it was like to let yourself go like I had. I didn’t really get it. But, I didn’t push the subject with her either. Sometimes I think I should have but…I’m kind of afraid. While I want to get to know Melanie really well, there’s this part of me that’s begging me not to. A part of me that’s telling me it’ll be safer if we just keep our relationship professional. Like, she’s here to do her job, and I’m here to get back to my life. I’d listen…I would…

But she’s the only friend I have right now.

Mel sat down with me yesterday afternoon and asked me about Madison. At first I was kind of clueless as to how she knew about her, but then I thought about it, and figured my mom probably filled her in. I told her that I hadn’t been by her office in awhile, but that it was okay. Then she told me my mom had been bringing up the subject of me getting back into going. I didn’t like that, and I made it clear to Melanie that I didn’t. She seemed to get it, not without getting a little pissy with me for giving her an attitude of course.

“It’s good to go to your therapist though,” she’d rolled her eyes a little bit. “She knows more about you than I do anyway.”

I’d rubbed a hand across the back of my neck. “I’m just not comfortable talking to her right now,” I’d said quickly.

“Why?”

It was the million dollar question. One that I certainly wasn’t going to answer for her, because it would have freaked her the hell out. The truth is, I’m afraid of what will happen once I go to see Madison again. I’m afraid of what I might tell her…what she might do, and I can’t deal with that. Yeah, I know what I did to Kerri. It’s a horrible fucking thing but…what’s done is done. She obviously hasn’t said anything about it to anybody, so why should I have to confess all of that to Madison? Of course, I’m not supposed to hold anything back. It’s been a rule since I started going to therapy. But things are different now. A lot different. I just want to move past all of this. But it’s just…so damn hard.

“I’m just trying to move on with my life, Melanie,” I’d told her, pathetically. “I think going to see Madison is almost like taking a step backward.”

Strangely enough, the expression on her face was telling me she kind of agreed, but her response proved me wrong. “Well your mom keeps asking me when you’re going to make an appointment. And you know she’s coming here next week Justin. Why don’t you save yourself a headache and get it out of the way before she gets here?”

I forced myself not to get mad at her. For all I knew, she was under a lot of pressure from my mom. No, Mel never really got into it with me, but I could tell that every time my mom called for her it was all about business. They weren’t buddies like Mel tried to make me think they were. My mom was her boss, and that was it. “I’ll do it for you,” I’d told her, reluctantly reaching into my pocket for my cell phone. “I know how my mom can get.”

“You’re supposed to be doing it for yourself, Justin,” she’d sighed and turned her back to me. “Don’t make your problems about me, okay?”

For a minute I thought I was dealing with Kerri, but then I wizened up. Melanie was just doing her job…just trying to help me. And there I was making up every excuse in the world to make her life harder. I just dialed then…figuring it was better for everybody if I just made nice and did what I was told. I left a message with Madison’s secretary, telling her I’d be in Monday morning for a session. Melanie didn’t seem phased when I got off the phone though. She just told me to hurry up so we could start to fix dinner.

I’m terrified, and it’s hard for me to admit that to myself. Madison used to be my guide, the one person I could trust and confide in without feeling any kind of guilt about it. But now…now I guess I feel like Kerri does about going to see a therapist. It’s like I’m going to talk to a stranger about things I just don’t want to deal with. I guess now I know why Kerri never wanted to go. But I don’t have a choice. It’s either go see Madison or be prepared to be badgered by my mother and disappoint Melanie. Once again I’m doing things to please other people. But the more I think about it, that’s really what I’ve done my whole life anyway. Things didn’t change because of what happened, I guess I’m just more aware of the things I used to let roll off my shoulders in the past.

“You better stop spacing out, or it’s going to be noon by the time we’re done running.” She laughs a little bit and stops jogging in place to sip some water from her bottle. “I’d like to stop sweating some time today.”

“Sorry.” I manage a half smile for her and jog forward to catch up with her. She hands me the water and I take a sip, hoping that it will ease my anxiety for a moment or two. “Thanks.” I hand it back to her and stretch my arms up above my head.

“You’re okay, right?”

The worried expression on her face makes me want to smile, but I hold back. I don’t know, something about her being genuinely worried about me makes me feel all warm inside, as sick as that is. “Yeah, I’m good,” I say quietly. “Just thinking about some things.”

She nods, but doesn’t question me about it. I know she understands I have a million things running through my mind at any given moment. A few more minutes pass, and we start running again. Neither of us says anything, I think its more relaxing this way. I can just let my mind empty…just focus on the trees and the sky…the morning mist falling on my face. It’s nice. I don’t think I’ve realized just how much I’d missed doing this up until now. Its uncanny that Mel seemed to know this was what I needed to start doing. I mean, how could she? She doesn’t know that side of me…the normal side. It makes me wonder what she’s really all about…how she knows exactly what to do…what to say. But I wont ask questions. I can’t.

It terrifies me.

We run around for about an hour more, before heading back into the house. I flop down onto the sofa, exhausted, while Melanie goes into the kitchen, returning to me a little while later with some freshly made lemonade. I swear to god I have no idea where this woman learned her homemaking abilities, but she’s incredible. With the way she prepares our meals and surprises me with the little things she whips up, half the time I swear I’m back home with my family. Maybe it’s her intention. She’s seemed to be doing it a lot more since I explained to her how I was afraid to go home. It’s almost sweet…but I wont really let the feeling sink in all that much. I just go with it, and I’m really beginning to enjoy it. It’s probably the first time I’ve let myself enjoy something in forever. It’s good for me I guess. Takes me away from the bulk of my anxiety.

“One Life to Live is coming on soon!,” she positions herself next to me and grabs the remote before I can stop her.

“Do we really have to watch this crap?,” I complain, as I always do. The one thing I can’t stand about Mel, is her fetish for soap operas. She has an ongoing schedule of all the different ones she watches. I don’t see what the big deal is. The story lines are so fake and unbelievable, I can’t imagine why a smart girl like Melanie would be drawn to them. I thought old ladies and my mom were the only people that chose to indulge themselves in that crap. But Melanie really seems to enjoy herself while she watches them, Soap Opera Digest in hand, zombie-like expression on her face. It’s something I’ve been growing accustomed to, ever since I opened up and started allowing her to hang out with me in the house. I could be a real jerk and tell her I refuse to sit through that pointless bullshit with her, but I just…can’t. I feel like she deserves to do what she wants to. If I really didn’t want to watch this stuff, I could just go upstairs…

But I like being with her.

“We do,” she tells me sternly. “Because according to this magazine, today is the day we find out who really killed Jackie.”

From what I can tell, Jackie had a lover and a husband, and one of them killed her last season. This season has obviously been based on finding out who the real killer is…one drawn out story line to the next. Still, I choose not to complain anymore. I just snicker and sink back into the comforts of my leather sofa with my lemonade, while the familiar theme song of One Life To Live blares through the TV set. We talk a little bit during commercials. Melanie tells me she wants to go site seeing one of these days, that she hasn’t been in this area all that much and doesn’t really know what it offers. I tell her good luck, because there’s no way I’m going to go walking around downtown Los Angeles with a paparazzi photographer watching every street corner. She kind of rolls her eyes and nudges me a little bit, but it makes me smile because I know she gets it. She doesn’t bug me, she expects that kind of an attitude from me. And I’ll admit it now. It’s great to have her here.

It’s great but I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Halfway into Melanie’s next soap, I find myself dozing off. I don’t know why, I’m not really that tired. I guess I’m just so relaxed that my brain is giving me the green light to let loose for awhile. Really, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve felt so content, so…safe, here in my house. Sure, my alarm system kind of calms me down, but its nowhere near as comforting than having somebody else here beside me…who I know can calm me down with the simple touch of her hand on my shoulder. My eyes start to get heavy, and finally…I allow myself to slip into total snooze mode. The sound of the television eventually becomes non existent, and I don’t even realize how long I’ve been out before I feel something nudging me, and a soft voice pleading with me to wake up. Reluctantly, my mind forces me to slowly open my eyes. I’m confused when I find Mel hovering over me, a concerned expression in eyes. “Huh?” I reach up to wipe the sliver of drool that’s escaped from my mouth.

“Justin, your mom is here.”

Now I’m wide awake. I jerk myself upright. How is this possible? She said she was coming in a week. I just spoke with her the other night. Why the hell would she be here now? “What do you mean, she’s here?”

Melanie shrugs, and straightens herself. She starts to pace back and forth in front of me and I realize that I’m not the only one who’s been surprised here. “I don’t know! She’s just…she’s just here. She’s getting her stuff out of the taxi. She said…she decided to come a little bit early.”

“A little bit early?” I take a long breath inward. “Try a week.”

She just shrugs. I can tell now, this is really bothering her, and as I glance around my house I can sort of see why. It’s pretty much a mess. Mel and I have been spending so much time going for runs and walks, watching movies and just getting to know each other that we’ve both pretty much neglected cleaning up after ourselves. Or..at least I have. I can’t really speak for the guest house Mel is staying in, because I don’t even go in there. The one thing I do know is, this isn’t going to look good to my mom. Me getting better means taking care of my house and shit like that. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say. But hey, maybe she wont care that much. Maybe if I just put on my best of happy faces and pretend that everything is going fantastic she’ll just leave well enough alone.

“You’re a sweaty mess,” Melanie snaps at me. “Just…go upstairs and change or something.” She rubs a hand over her face.

Somehow, I manage to keep my cool. I rise off the sofa and stand before her. She stares up at me then, looking into my eyes for an answer. Tell me what to do, Justin. And for the first time, I feel like I’m the one who needs to make things right, I’m the one who’s responsible for how things pan out. It’s necessary that I’m strong right now…for both of us. Otherwise Melanie will be sent packing, and I’ll end up exactly where I don’t want to be. “Look, it’ll be okay,” I tell her softly, gently placing a hand on one of her shoulders. “I’ll handle this.”

She seems shocked, and opens her mouth to say something else…probably about how I can’t even take care of myself so how can I play Prince Charming to my mother about what’s been going on. But she doesn’t get the chance. I hear the chimes on my door go off, signifying somebody has entered the house. The sound of my mother’s voice follows almost immediately. I take a breath then, and give Mel’s shoulder another reassuring rub, trying to promise her that I wont give anything away. Then I turn around, and I see her. My mom doesn’t really look different from any other time I’ve seen her. Her hair is the same, clothes are the same. Her face has a lot more color though. She looks rested…like she just woke up from a really long nap and she’s ready to conquer the world. She looks a lot like I used to after sleeping for a couple of days after the end of a long tour. I almost envy her, and it makes me upset to know that she looks so rested because she’s had a break from my issues. But I know she deserves this. She put up with so much for so long…longer than anybody should have to.

It’s should make me feel good to know that she’s going to be just fine.

“Hey mommy.” I take the initiative, and decide to break the ice first. There’s nothing worse than standing in a room with your mother, who is staring awkwardly back at you. I walk right up to her and pull her into a long hug. After a moment I feel her arms wrap around me in return, and I know any discomfort she might have been feeling has passed. I pull back from her, and make sure to give her a kiss on the cheek before flashing her a charming smile. “I thought you were coming next week.” I hear Mel clear her throat at that comment, but I had to sneak it in. I just need to know that my mom came out here for the right reasons, and if she didn’t I want to know why that is.

“Well I got back from Orlando, and I didn’t have much to do at home,” she smiles a little nervously and pulls away from me. “I was driving Paul up a wall, so he told me I should just come out here and spend some time with you. That’s okay, I hope.”

I wish I could tell her that it’s not okay. That…I’m sort of bonding with Melanie and we’ve been doing our own thing. That…her being here is going to make Mel act all weird and we wont be able to talk and run and shit for awhile. But I can’t say that stuff to my mom. She’s still concerned. She still cares. And most importantly, she’s Melanie’s boss too and I’m sure she wants to talk her just as much as she wants to spend some time with me. Is my mom prying though? Is she here to talk me into things I don’t want to do again? Does she suspect something? Is she going to take Melanie aside and try to pry things out of her? Will Mel give in? God, I’m starting to worry too much. But…I just can’t help it. It’s hard to trust my mom after all the threats she’s made about me going back to Tennessee, or me readmitting myself. Of course she means well, but sometimes her plans of action just aren’t the best thing for me.

“Yeah, of course,” I bullshit instead of telling her how I really feel, as always.

She glances around a little bit, and I’m sure she’s not appreciating the mess that is my living room, with the pizza boxes and dirty clothes thrown around. I watch her gaze land on Melanie for the shortest of seconds, before she finally smiles at me again. “Have you showered? I thought we might be able to go to lunch or something. If you’re not up to it though, I can understand. I didn’t exactly announce myself.”

“No it’s okay. I’m…the living room’s a mess and it’s my fault,” I chuckle nervously and glance over at Melanie. She’s sort of looking at her fingernails, picking at them and not looking at either of us. I know she’s uncomfortable. But I’m trying the best I can. “I’ve been going for runs with Melanie, and making her run errands for me a lot so we haven’t really gotten to clean up or anything.”

“Don’t be silly. I know you’ll get it cleaned up eventually, honey.”

She smiles at me, but it’s the fakest thing I’ve ever seen. I know my mother, inside and out, and when she’s aggravated or annoyed I can sense it from a mile away. I have the sickest feeling that Melanie is going to be getting a lecture later on, and I wish I could do something to prevent it. But I know my mom would never hint that she was going to do it, and she certainly wouldn’t do it in a place I could hear it, or see it. I guess I just have to hope that Melanie is strong enough to take it. But I don’t see why she wouldn’t be. That girl is as tough as they come. Tougher than I’ve ever been. And its why I constantly find myself stuck with questions about her…why I constantly find myself thinking about her.

“Was your flight okay?”

My attention is immediately reverted to Melanie, who has just decided to speak up. It kind of surprises me, but I also know this is an attempt for her to get on my moms good side fast. She’s smiling that pleasant smile of hers. The one she used to use on me when she first came here.

“It was fine,” my mother responds a little too quickly to her, and I notice that it makes Melanie draw any further emotion about my mothers well being back inside of her. “Justin why don’t you get ready, and I’ll let you know when I’m settled so we can have a nice lunch.”

“Uh, okay…” I look at Melanie, who once again has resorted back to picking at her nails. “Melanie, do you want to…”

“Oh, I thought the two of us could just go,” my mom intervenes before I can finish. “I have a few things I need to talk to you about, just between us.”

Awkward.

“It’s okay, Justin.” Melanie says immediately, that bright smile of hers quickly replacing her lost expression. “I have a few things I need to do around here anyway.”

“Yes,” My mom says, the disapproval in her voice really showing this time. “That’s a good idea.”

I have a headache. “But mom…”

“Give me an hour.” She gives me another quick kiss and picks her suitcase up from the floor. “I’ll get settled and then I’ll come find you. Melanie…” she pauses again and turns to my friend. “Be a dear and give Eric a call. Tell him Justin and I will be going out and we’ll need him to drive us.”

“Sure.” She nods a little and hurries away before I can try and persuade her to wait.

My eyes follow her as she wanders into the kitchen, and I’m sure my mom notices, but I don’t care. “Look, don’t be mad at her about the mess. I told you…”

“Justin.” She strokes my cheek gently. “Nobody is mad at anybody. I don’t want you to worry about anything right now. Melanie has a job to do, and she knows what it is.”

“But…”

“Shh. Now I’m going to go get ready, and we can talk about whatever you want to when we get to the restaurant okay?”

I sigh in frustration. She’s talking to me like I’m five years old right now, and she knows how much I hate that. But I don’t feel like flying into a rage right now, or showing her how upset she’s making me. So I just nod, and barely hear her as she rambles off something about ‘an hour’ and ‘a shower’. I just sit back down on the couch and take in everything that’s happened for a few moments. Mom is here. She obviously doesn’t think Melanie is doing a good job, and now I’m going to have to sit through lunch with her, lying about what’s been going on…about my feelings. Hell, at least I can tell her I’m going to Madison’s on Monday. Then again, who knows if that will even help? She’ll probably get into the subject about coming home again. A subject that I’m just so tired of talking about, that I’m afraid I might just give in if I get frustrated enough. Just as I start to lose all hope, put my head in my hands and tell myself that I’m doomed to have my life run for me, I feel a burst of air blow by me and look up in time to see Melanie rushing by me. “Hey.” She doesn’t answer so I get up and follow her. “Melanie.”

She walks outside.

I don’t relent. Normally I would. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve learned that when she needs alone time, its exactly that…alone time. But right now I’m so confused, and I’m sure she’s upset. I feel like it’s my fault. Partially because it’s my mother that’s making her feel bad right now, but mostly because I’m the one who threw a fit…broke stuff, and made her feel the need to put everything else off to the side so I could get better. The condition of the house suffered, but only because my mom said she was coming next week. I’m sure Mel had plans to do a heavy duty cleaning, but my mom showed up totally unexpected. “Melanie.” I grasp her by the wrist as she opens the door to the guest house. “Come on, just stop it.”

She whirls around, immediately pushing me away from her. “Don’t grab me,” she says harshly.

I bite my bottom lip. “Sorry.”

“Look, your mom is here,” she says, a few awkward moments later. “Just go get ready. You don’t want her to catch us out here like this. She’ll ask too many questions.”

“Like what?” I scoff. “It’s not a bad thing that we’re becoming friends, Mel. I think she‘d be sort of happy.”

She puts a foot inside her doorway. “Maybe it is a bad thing. I mean, your mom hired me to help out around the house and make sure you take your medication, not to be your shrink or your mentor. Right now she probably thinks all I‘ve been doing is sitting around the house, not to mention the fact that she doesn’t know about your medication. I‘ve been doing everything wrong, Justin. I just…this is wrong. I‘m going to have to tell her…”

“Hey.” I step up to her, the fear apparent on my face. “You…you can’t. We agreed…you promised. I‘ve been doing my part, Mel.”

“She’s upset, Justin. How is lying going to make things better?” She shakes her head, and rubs a stray tear off of her cheek. “I’m not cut out for this. It’s getting too personal. I wasn’t hired to be your friend.”

“Too personal?,” I let out an annoyed laugh and back away from her a little. “Getting personal is a two way road Mel. That means you’d have to share some aspects of your life with me, which you haven’t done. I think…you’re just scared.”

“Scared?,” she snaps. “What the hell do I have to be scared of, Justin?”

“I can see right through you,” I say, despite the fact that I know I shouldn’t be crossing this kind of a line with her. “You don’t have a lot of friends, if any. You don’t let people in. And you certainly don’t try to help them with their problems like you’ve been helping me with mine. I know you’re a nurses aid and everything, but as far as I’m concerned, you’ve been playing a hell of a lot more than your part lately. Now you’re scared that…that you might want to confide in me or something.”

“You’re wrong.” She grits her teeth, and I can tell she’s trying as hard as she can to hold her tears back. “I’m not hiding anything from you, and I don’t know why you’d even think that I am. We have some things in common, and we get along for the most part, that’s all it is. I’m not who you think I am, Justin. I’m not one of your close friends. I’m just here, and you have nobody else so I can understand why you think I’m so great. But just…it needs to stop. I’m not going to tell your mom anything, all right? I just think we need to keep what we have professional and stop getting so personal, that’s all.”

“After what’s gone on I can’t understand why you’re acting like we shouldn’t’ have bonded,” I say sadly. I’m hurt. I really thought we had a connection going on. That I could trust her, and that she could trust me. That she was becoming a friend. A close one. I was starting to forget about Trace a little, and I was really starting to forget about Kerri. I didn’t feel I needed to think about them as long as I was having fun with Melanie, but she’s just acting so weird right now. Like she doesn’t care. Like she never has. Like she wouldn’t be upset if I left tomorrow with my mom and she never saw me again. I look at her again. Right in her eyes. There’s no emotion there now. She’s buried it all inside, like I’m so good at doing from time to time. She doesn’t want me to know how she really feels. And for the first time something is pulling at me, nagging me…

Telling me that she’s been through something horrible too.

“Mel…come on…”

“I’m not doing this right now. Just go get ready,” she says, using that stone cold tone she always does when she needs me to act my age and do what I’m told. I thought that version of her was gone, but I guess I was horribly mistaken. “You need to focus on what’s important right now.”

I open my mouth to tell her that her friendship is important to me, but she walks inside and closes the door before I can get a word out. Normally I’d get pissed and bang on the door, but right now…I’m just too confused to bother. I need to think about everything she just said…and try to figure it out, figure her out. I just don’t get it. She seemed happy, we were having fun, and then when my mom showed up it was like this big reality check. It’s like she can’t be my friend because she’s afraid of what my mom would think. But I know my mom wouldn’t’ disapprove or anything. She’d be happy that I’m trying to form new relationships and move on. I just don’t get it. I don’t get her.

I guess there’s a lot more to Melanie than I originally thought. Maybe too much more.

I figure giving her the space she needs for a few hours will probably do her some good. Although I haven’t experienced this kind of a mood from Mel all that often, I know she’s the type that cools off best when she’s left alone for awhile, like me. Besides, I am a ‘sweaty mess’, as she so lovingly put it, and as annoying as it is, a part of me sort of wants to go to lunch with my mom. It will be nice to catch up, find out how the other members of my family have been doing and stuff like that. I’d also like to be filled in about what my label and my management thinks of my extended hiatus. They know better than to call me of course, so they’ve just been using my mother as a communication gopher up until this point. In all likelihood they’ll probably drop me. But I just don’t care. I’m not ready to work again, and I have no idea when I’ll be ready to. All I know is, when I am, it wont be very hard for me to get started again. I’m not even worried about it. All I’m really worried about at the moment is what’s happening to my family, and…what’s happening between me and Melanie.

I shower quickly and throw on some jeans and a polo shirt, not really caring how I look. I glance in the mirror, knowing I could use a shave but not really caring either. For the first time, it doesn’t matter to me that I don’t look clean cut for my mom. I even look a little tired, but I don’t know…I’ve just decided its time to be myself. Despite the fact I’ve done a lot of things that she can’t know about, I know the more fake I act the more suspicious she’s going to get. So I just go downstairs and wait for her. Thirty minutes later she comes down to the living room herself, and about ten minutes later Eric knocks on the door. I’m grateful. From the expression on her face I know she was about to start having some kind of heart to heart with me, and I kind of want to avoid that…at least until we’re at the restaurant and I have no choice.
I joke around with Eric as he walks my mother and I out to the car, and as she gets in, I steal a glance at the guest house quickly, hoping that just maybe…I’ll get a glimpse of Mel before I’m forced to get in the car. I don’t see her of course, so I just sigh and get in.

“You okay?” My mom looks at me with concern, and rubs my knee a little bit.

“Yeah,” I force a small smile, and fasten my seat belt. “I’m okay, mom.”
*********************************
I called Susan yesterday, like a desperate fucking idiot. I didn’t really know why I was calling her, but at the same time I knew I needed to talk to somebody. I hate calling my mom. All she ever does is tell me I need to hold my head high, and be the strong willed, independent woman she knows I’ve always been. It doesn’t help hearing that from her. All it really says to me is that she’s busy, like always, and she doesn’t have time to listen to me gripe and bitch about how insecure I am. Of course Susan doesn’t mind me calling her. When I left the home she told me she wanted me to call her anytime I wanted to talk. I don’t know, I guess when I call her I feel like I’m taking a step back. That I can’t handle shit. That I’m not past things. When I feel like I’m still not past things it makes me angry…it makes me remember too. And I hate remembering.

I hate remembering the smells, the sounds, what he looked like, what he sounded like. How he felt. How it felt. For months at a time I’ll be okay too. I’ll basically forget, because I’ll be busy taking care of things, or working. I guess I force myself to forget. It’s just sometimes…when things like…like Justin confuse me, I get depressed. And that leads to the memories. It makes me mad because Susan taught me how to fight all of that, how to be strong. But I don’t know. It was so hard to push the memories back the other day. I was so down. I felt like such an idiot. I felt like…I’d let my guard down. That I let Justin take advantage…get too close, after I promised myself that I wouldn’t let anybody do that to me ever again. Why him? He’s just another guy. Another guy that gets on my nerves most of the time. Why am I starting to let him crack me open, let him see the real me?

Why do I want to fall into his arms and hug him half the time?

I didn’t tell Susan who I was working for. One of the things I promised Lynn was, with the exception of my mom, I wouldn’t tell anybody else that I was working for her and helping Justin out. I understood why. If that information got to the wrong person, it could cause all kinds of problems. So I just told her my latest patient was some young guy, who I was helping to get himself together again. She asked me if I was comfortable working with another male, and I was truthful. I told her that I was scared to death half the time that he would turn into a horrible, violent person just like the man who raped me. But she didn’t say I was crazy…she said it was natural. I knew she was right. I mean, Justin is the first guy I’ve been around in five years. Weird, I know, but I’ve been too terrified to be around any guys up until now. And even now, I’m still scared, I’m just forcing myself to be here for Lynn’s sake…and for my mothers reputation. I can’t even begin to imagine what my mom would say to me if I got fired or I quit this job. Probably something along the lines of ‘you’re a failure, Melanie,’ and ‘when are you going to learn to grow up and put things behind you? I did it.’.

I try to love my mother. I really do. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the rape…and a few other things, I’d doubt we’d even have the relationship that we do right now, and that isn’t saying much. The only thing I can really thank my mother for, as far as my recovery goes, is bringing Susan into my life. Because without her, I wouldn’t even be here right now. I’d be in a mental ward someplace. Or…

I’d just be dead.

After my mother had reamed me out about failing my finals at college, and taking time away from her precious schedule, she didn’t seem to have a choice but to bring me back to her home, which at the time was in New York City. She had a really nice apartment there. She lived alone, but she was also never home most of the time to care about the emptiness. She brought me there so I could ‘get my head together’, so to speak. At first I was okay with it. I knew college wasn’t going to work out for that moment, and hell, I hadn’t even told anybody that I was raped then. I figured living at her place would allow me time to think things over, and decide what I really needed. My mom didn’t stick around long. She had shoot after shoot in New York, and a month later she left for Europe for a three week shoot in Spain. She called me every week, something that I was pretty surprised about. She tried to make an effort with those calls too. She’d always ask me what really happened…why I’d flunked out of college. I just couldn’t tell her though. I didn’t feel right telling her how nasty I thought I was over the phone, so I figured when she came home I’d have plenty of time to break down and tell her everything.

Unfortunately, that time didn’t come soon enough.

As I would sit in her silent apartment, day after day, night after night, I couldn’t help but let myself dwell on the horrible things that had happened to me. I’d blame myself, I kept asking myself how I could have let something like that happen. How could I have let somebody like that ruin my entire life? Why couldn’t I have simply gotten over it and gotten my degree? I came to the conclusion that I was stupid. I made myself believe that. I was stupid and I would never amount to anything. What was I worth? Why was I making life harder for my mother, who had never wanted anything to do with me in the first place? I figured if I was dead, nobody would miss me. If I was dead, nobody would have to worry about me anymore. There would be an empty spot on the roster for my university, and my mom could live her life the way she’d always wanted to.

There was a magnificent medicine cabinet in my mother’s bathroom. When I first moved into the apartment I’d loved to go in there and shower, because the bathroom was so much bigger than mine. One night I decided to go exploring. In tears, bottle of vodka in my hand, I’d moved about the house. The walls had been waving, in and out, like some weird concrete jungle. When I touched them, I would fall to the ground and spill my vodka so I tried my best to make my way into the big bathroom without touching them so much. When I got there, I opened the medicine cabinet. I wanted some candy, I remember that. I have no idea why I thought there would be candy in there. But I was so out of it, I don’t know why I was thinking half the things that I was. I just know I felt really bad. I needed something to cheer me up, and I remembered that when I was a little girl and I was sad, my grandmother, who was always so strict, would try to cheer me up with some mints. I wanted to feel that way then. I wanted to feel loved a little bit. So I took some container out of the medicine cabinet and poured a handful of what I thought was candies into my hand. The better part of me had been warning me not to take it. I didn’t care though. I figured if it wasn’t candy at least I’d get to sleep…something I hadn’t really done since I’d been raped. I took the handful of whatever it was, along with a mouthful of liquor.

I slept for a long time.

When my mom had really bad jet lag after a week working in god knows where, she had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. So much trouble, that her doctor prescribed her some strong sleeping medication, only to be taken in those instances when she really couldn’t get to sleep of course. The drunken slob that I was, had managed to swallow about nine of those pills. I don’t know why I lived. I really should have died. My mom had called shortly after I passed out, and I guess when I didn’t answer she got worried. Yeah worried, for the first time in my life. She called the lady next door, who had a spare key. She found me passed out on the floor. When I woke up the nurse told me she was surprised I didn’t have brain damage. She told me what happened. I wasn’t really shocked. I think deep inside, I knew exactly what I wanted to do that night.

I just didn’t count on my mom taking the kind of action she did.

My mom pretty much panicked. She didn’t know what was wrong with me. As far as she was concerned I’d gone fucking crazy. So, on advice from the people at the hospital, she decided to admit me to a state funded mental hospital. It was pretty bad. I was doped up on medication and strapped to the bed for the first couple of nights. I didn’t like it. It reminded me of being held down, knife to my throat, and I really couldn’t take it. I would cry all day and all night. It was the most communication I allowed myself to make at first. Then my doctor told me if I just told him what was wrong, he’d be able to help me, but until I did he wouldn’t know why I’d tried to hurt myself. It took me awhile…a couple of more days, but I finally reasoned with myself. I wanted out of that place and so, I figured if I just told the guy what was on my mind I’d be able to go someplace else.

So I did.

I think the best feeling I’ve ever felt, even now, years later, was telling somebody about what happened. I’d just closed my eyes and recounted the horrible memories of that night, to a doctor I can’t even remember the name of now that I think about it. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could breathe again. I could walk around, and it didn’t feel like gravity was drilling me into the ground anymore. Finally, I’d rested my problems on somebody else, and I didn’t feel badly about doing it. After I told the doctor, I slept some more. But it was natural this time, and I wasn’t strapped to a bed or locked in the severe threat ward of that horrible hospital. I was placed in sort of a holding area until my mother could return to the hospital for a consultation, with my promise that I would take care of myself until then.

A week later my mom came back, and the doctor went through a list of options that he’d conjured up for me. A lot of the places he wanted to send me were like retreats up in the mountains, where you rode horses and learned how to care for other things. I didn’t really want to do that, and I think for the first time ever my mother took my interests to heart. She asked if there was something more mellow, more mainstream. A place I could grow but have a life too. That’s when he told us about the group home, and Susan. He said it wasn’t a place designed specifically for victims of rape, which concerned him because it had effected me so dramatically. But he said that it sounded like a place that would eventually suit my lifestyle. I didn’t care. I just wanted out of that hospital, so I agreed that I’d go there.

It had been hard adjusting. The group home had been filled with all kinds of women. Most of them I couldn’t even relate to. Some were drug addicts, most were women who had escaped abusive relationships. I only met one or two that had been actual rape victims. Susan turned out to be one of them. I guess that’s why I was able to talk to her so easily. After the first week, she’d pulled me aside, concerned that I hadn’t been talking in group at all. So I decided to tell her my story…how scared I was, how much I felt like I’d failed myself. And she showed me how to live through my fears. She taught me how to fight off the dreams, how to stop thinking about what happened. How to turn the all the bad things into one big positive thing. It worked. I guess you could say Susan was my miracle. It was a sad day when we both realized I was ready to move on, but it was for the best.

Well up until now anyway.

“Maybe you need a visit,” she’d told me over the phone. “You sound tired.”

“I can’t really get a break,” I’d groaned. “My client needs me, Susan.”

“Being needed is fine and well,” she’d said, a little annoyed. “But you know your mental health comes first. I don’t need to hear some report that you’ve dug yourself into a hole again.”

I gave in. I do miss her a lot, and I’m sorry to say I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like to. She told me to tell ‘whoever my boss is’ that I have to go see family next week and I can’t change the times around. It made me laugh. She’s always been so to-the-point. I think it’s why I love her so much. But I mean, even though the date is set I have no idea how I’m supposed to go. Justin isn’t exactly stable, and Lynn isn’t too happy with me at this point. Asking for time off now would seriously jeopardize my career, I’m sure. But on the other hand, do I really want to stay here? Do I really want to keep feeling this way about Justin? Do I really want to confuse him anymore? It’s selfish. I know it’s selfish.

But damn it. I think a part of me has come to depend on him. I don’t know why or for what. All I know is…if I left tomorrow I’d probably be lost for weeks.

And that’s very, very bad.

“I’m sorry if I came off as irrational yesterday.”

I slowly revert my gaze from the window, over to Lynn. Eric ended up staying at the house with Justin so Lynn and I could go out for lunch together today. Before we left the house I was extremely nervous about the whole thing. When Lynn and Justin came back from lunch yesterday, I didn’t go to greet them. I’d made sure to clean up the downstairs of Justin’s house while they were out, and then I proceeded into my little hut across the way, barricading myself inside. I’d cried for awhile, before I could conjure up the strength to call Susan. Needless to say, I was not in the mood for Lynn’s heated glares, or Justin’s demands as to why I was being the way I was when we’d talked. I just needed some time alone to think. I didn’t want to be mad at Justin, but I couldn’t help but think it was his fault that my boss was mad at me in the first place. I had plenty of information to cover my ass, but at the same time I’d promised Justin that I’d help him out. I didn’t want to betray him so I basically let myself take the heat for his mistakes. The more I thought about it, the more I knew it wasn’t the first time he’d pulled this kind of thing on somebody. I guessed that was the reason why his friends had deserted him like they had. They hadn’t been able to handle it. That was the big difference between me and them. I knew I could handle it.

Because I had been there.

“Oh it’s fine,” I finally manage. “I mean, you had every right to be upset. The house was a mess and…”

But she interrupts me. “I know it couldn’t have been your fault, Melanie.”

I hold my breath. She’s right. She knows me too well. She hired me because she knows I’m not a total screw up like Justin is…at least not anymore. And now she probably expects me to tell her exactly what’s been going on. But what am I supposed to do? I made a promise to Justin. And I don’t break promises. I know what will happen if the truth comes out. She’ll freak out, drag Justin back home with her, and I’ll be out of a job anyway. It won’t solve anything. It will just drive Justin and myself into even further depression. “It was just me being lazy, that’s all.”

But she gives me a look like she knows something has been going on. I have no idea what she and Justin discussed yesterday at lunch either, I haven’t seen him yet today. I know he wouldn’t tell her the truth though. He’s too scared.

“Eric told me he seemed off the day he took you guys out shopping.”

Eric. Right. I should have guessed. I’m still kicking myself for acting so hastily and calling him like I did. But I was just so mad that day. Mad at myself. Mad at Justin. And I wanted things to change. drastically. What I didn’t count on was Justin acting so fake like he did. I’m sure it put all kinds of ideas into Eric’s head. I’d tried to make myself believe he wouldn’t mention anything to Lynn, but I was stupid to think that he wouldn’t. Lynn trusts him, and he’s worked for Justin and his family for awhile. Of course he’d mention something. But still, I try to play dumb. “What do you mean?”

She lets out a short sigh and shakes her head a little bit. “Melanie, one of the reasons I hired you is because I knew you were a smart girl.”

I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but I nod and smile anyway. “Okay.”

“And I know that you, just like everybody else, can see right through Justin’s fake act,” she continues. “Eric told me that, on that day, Justin was right in character, if you know what I mean.”

I shake my head. “He was just nervous about being in public, that’s all. I know you understand that Lynn. Who was I to tell him to calm down?”

“I’m just confused as to why he so suddenly wanted to go out in public.”

We stop at a red light and she looks at me, half desperate, half hopeless. It makes me wonder how many of Justin’s friends she ran to for answers before they all decided to throw in the rag. Hell, maybe its part of what drove them all away. I don’t know. But I do know I can’t give her the answer she’s looking for. “Nothing happened, if that’s what your worried about, “ I say brightly. “Yeah it was my idea to get him out of the house, so maybe it was my fault that he chose to act that way. But I was just looking out for him, Lynn. He seemed to be in the house so much, and it just…it wasn’t good for him.”

I’m a really good liar.

She smiles as the light changes green. “So that’s all it was?”

“Honest. He was just a little shaky,” I reassure her. “But once he got used to being out and about he was really okay. We had an okay night back at the house. And actually since then…he’s been a lot better about things. He’s not so bitter anymore.”

“I did notice a big change in his attitude yesterday,” she nods. “I just wasn’t sure if it was an act or not.”

“Some of it may have been.” Justin would kill me if he knew I said that, but right now I think I owe it to Lynn to be a little bit honest here. I feel bad enough that I’ve kept what I’ve kept from her. I wouldn’t’ be doing my job if I didn’t say that. “But I think most of it was genuine.”

She squeezes my hand then, gently. “I knew bringing you here would help,” she says, her voice a little shaky. “I just…I don’t know how to thank you.”

I can’t believe we got away with everything. I really can’t. if she even knew…half of what happened…

No.

Don’t think about lies. Think about the positive, Mel.

“I’m glad I could help.”

She pulls into the restaurant. The sign out front reads ‘Nook’. I haven’t been out to eat in Los Angeles enough to know the ins and outs of the eateries around here. But I’m sure Lynn comes here enough to know what’s good, and what’s just overpriced. Hopefully it’s not a lot of fish, but from the looks of the place it doesn’t seem that way.

“Justin loves this place. Remind me to order him some mac and cheese before we leave okay?”

Whew, no fish. I smile. “Sure.”

I get out of the car and follow Lynn up to entrance as she rambles on and on about what a cute place it is, and how “When the boys moved here it’s all they could talk about.” Boys meaning plural. I don’t get it. But I don’t ask either. We walk in, and the waitress seems to know Lynn right away. They do the normal kissing cheek ritual that I’ve seen done so many times on TV and stuff. It’s weird. Los Angles is like another world compared to everywhere else. It makes me want to go exploring one day with Justin. I mentioned it yesterday too, but he quickly shot me down. “Too many photographers,” he’d muttered. “I can’t deal with that right now.” I understood of course. I’d hate to see the disaster that Justin would turn into if he was surrounded by paparazzi. I suppose I could go off on my own. But…I know I wouldn’t feel safe. I never feel safe. So I guess it’s going to be awhile before I’ll ever get to see the delights of Los Angeles, California. It’s not that big of a deal though. I’d rather him be content, than alone in the house and scared.

“Trace is in the back.” The waitress smiles and points somewhere towards the back of the restaurant. “He said to tell you he’d wait to order.”

I tense up. I wasn’t aware that we’d be having a guest at our luncheon. I mean, I wont say anything of course, but it does scare me that I’ll have to deal with another member of Justin and Lynn’s camp. With the exception of Lynn, the only other people I’ve met that have seemed to know Justin was that Marty guy and that other guy Alex who screamed at me. While I wasn’t’ intimidated, I wasn’t thrilled to deal with anybody else Justin was affiliated with either. I mean, what the hell kind of name is Trace anyway? I’m sure he’s a bastard, unless he’s just a friend of Lynn’s. If he’s some old guy I can deal. I mean, a friend of Lynn’s has got to be mature and respectable…

“Trace!”

I’m afraid to look, but I force myself to. Lynn is embracing some young guy, probably around Justin’s age. I contemplate hiding in the bathroom while they’re hugging so the guy won’t notice me, but my feet seem to be nailed to the hardwood floor. After an eternity they finally let go of each other, and that’s when I get my first glimpse at the guy.

And I can’t fucking believe it.

“Melanie come here!,” Lynn says, excitedly yanking me closer to her so I can greet Trace properly. “Trace, this is Melanie. You remember don’t you? The one I told you about on the phone?”

I stare at him. I have to literally hold my breath to keep from saying something stupid. “Hello,” I force a pleasant tone.

He looks just as shocked as I feel, as he sticks out a hand for me to shake. “Hi.”

It’s that guy that was sitting outside the house that day I came back from the grocery store. I was unloading the car, and I saw him just sitting in his car outside the gate. Needless to say, it freaked me the hell out and I went up to the gate to find out exactly what he was doing there. “Wrong house,” he’d said. Yeah. What a crock of shit. Still, I don’t let my emotions show, but he still looks nervous as we sit down to order our food. It’s obvious he recollects our confrontation, and he doesn’t know how to react. I wish I knew more about this guy. It’s obvious that he’s one of Justin’s friends, but just how close are they?

I guess I’ll find out.

Lynn starts to make small talk, and I try to play along, but I can’t seem to keep my eyes off of our guest. I guess the curiosity is getting the best of me or something, but I can’t say he’s having an easy time keeping his gazed fixated elsewhere either.

Trace chews like horse, and drinks like a fucking camel. Good thing there are free refills here. I think the guy might just finish off their supply of sweet tea. He has a cocky little laugh and a cocky little smirk, that nearly remind me of Justin when he’s not being miserable. It’s the strangest thing. If he wasn’t so short, he could probably pass for Justin’s brother or something. I don’t dare ask how close he is to Justin. I’m just too afraid. Although it doesn’t take a genius to tell that he’s possibly the best friend. I doubt he’d be here having lunch with us if he wasn’t that close to him. I eye him every few seconds, and he eyes me right back, with same smug look on his face. Really, I’d reach across the table and strangle him if I knew Lynn wouldn’t notice. I’m just so pissed that he lied to me. If he had simply told me that he was a friend of Justin’s I could have explained myself to him and told him what was going on. It scares me. It’s like he didn’t want Justin to know he’d been there or something.

And it’s scary, because it’s making me wonder what‘s so terrible about Justin that Trace has felt the need to hide from him.

Crossing Paths