It’s been weird this weekend, not having Kerri in the house. Naturally I’ve been thinking about her. I’ve even been tempted to give Elisha a call and find out how they’ve been doing. But when Elisha called me Saturday to let me know they’d gotten to their destination safely, she didn’t hesitate to tell me not to call her or Kerri for the rest of the weekend. I get it. I mean, we need our space…badly, and I know that eventually we’ll both realize that separation is the best thing for the both of us. Of course it doesn’t mean that I’m not worried sick about her, that I don’t miss her. And it certainly doesn’t mean that I’m not blaming myself for this entire thing either. If I hadn’t been a dick at the tennis court she probably would have told me what’s really been bothering her for all this time. Yeah, and if I hadn’t practically had sex with her she’d probably still be at the condo too.

I’m a fucking idiot.

Melanie chews like a cow, and when she gets to last sip of her soda she slurps it up annoyingly. I hate that. I used to have a girlfriend that did that, and I think it’s the main reason why I dumped her. Oh well that, and she snorted when she laughed. Anyway, I’ve been watching Melanie for a good half hour now, out of the corner of my eye, while Lynn has been rambling on about shit I couldn’t care less about. Like, why the hell would I care about some new artist that Johnny signed? Yeah, its small talk but its not why I agreed to meet her here for lunch today. I came for answers. I came to make sure Justin wasn’t being taken advantage of. But I wish she would have told me she was bringing a guest with her. I would have been a lot more prepared, and I wouldn’t have been so damn embarrassed either.

Although, the look of pure shock on that bitches face when she realized who I was, kind of made this whole thing worth it.

I shouldn’t be making assumptions. That’s what Kerri would tell me if she knew what was going on right now. But this girl Melanie, I just don’t know about her. I don’t trust her. And I don’t like the way she keeps looking at me either, like I’m some sort of a lesser being. I wish I could have a few minutes alone with her…just so I could put her in her place. Let her know that despite the fact that I haven’t been around lately, I’m not going let her jump in and take advantage of Justin either. Fuck, I shouldn’t even be putting my feelings out there like that though. I was done with Justin, right? Hell, who am I kidding? It’s just like Kerri said, I do need his stupid ass. In fact, I was half hoping that Lynn would have brought Justin to lunch with her today. But I know why she didn’t. He’d never go for it. And hell, he probably doesn’t even know that she’s having lunch with me right now.

But it’s probably better that he doesn’t.

Tarin and I went on our date last night. To be honest, I was nervous as hell. I don’t know why. I’m usually pretty mellow when I take a girl out. I buy a rose, put on a nice pair of jeans and a polo and pick her up. I think it was because I wanted to make a good impression on Tarin, since things had kind of been shitty for awhile, especially because of Kerri’s lies. I was ten minutes early, and by the smirk on her face I could tell she was impressed. We went to this cool sushi bar out on Sunset. Don’t ask me why, I just distinctly remembered that she had a thing for sushi. Again, it was more points for Trace. I didn’t do anything cheesy. like order for her, though. One, that’s not the type of guy I am, and two, I knew Tarin would call me a dumb ass. We just ordered, she taught me how to use my chopsticks because I can never remember how to use them no matter how many times I go to places like that, and we both laughed when I spilled the soy sauce all over my white shirt.

After dinner we went to some movie that she pointed out to me when we walked into the theater. I cant even remember what it was about, but that’s probably because I was too busy making out with the girl to notice what was going on. I know, I’m a dirty dirty boy. Yeah, we made out like two stupid high school kids in the last row of the movie theater, but I didn’t care. She didn’t care either. It was fun. More fun than I can say I’ve had in a hell of a long time. I love the spontaneity of that girl. She really could have told me to stop, and that we could go back to my place. But she just went with it.

I love a girl that can just go with the flow of things.

It was nice to have an entire evening without Kerri on the brain too. I was really proud. I figured Kerri was off doing her own thing…getting her head together, and so that meant it was time for Trace to focus on Trace. I was smiling all the way back to Tarin’s apartment, and I didn’t stop when I walked her to the door either.

“I had fun,” she’d smiled. “I was impressed. You didn’t stand me up.”

I’d leaned her up against the door frame and leaned myself into her. “Any guy that would stand you up, has to be smoking something,” I’d laughed.

“Is that your way of saying you had fun too?”

I’d grinned stupidly. “Yeah. I guess it is.”

She’d given me a long kiss goodnight, promising to call me the next day so we could make plans for the following week. It felt good…holding her and touching her.

I really think we might have something. Yeah it’s kind of early to make those kind of assumptions, but I really can’t help it. I can just feel it…inside. She just might be special.

But I swear, there’s no way I’m dragging her into the other side of my life. I mean, the Justin and Kerri side. I refuse to let that stuff ruin the chance of me and Tarin starting something. I’ll just have to live a double life…or something…

Maybe Justin will just turn sane again, and maybe Kerri will just figure out what she needs on her own.

In a perfect world, maybe. In this world, never.

“Well, I’m going to run to the bathroom and order Justin some dinner,” Lynn says, catching my attention as the word ‘bathroom’ hits my ears. “I’ll be right back.”

She leaves. I realize this is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for, but I don’t really know what to say. The most I know about Melanie is what her first name is, and that she’s been ‘helping Justin’. Helping Justin with what? He doesn’t need help, he just needs someone to give him a good kick in the ass. This is why I think Lynn can be so lame sometimes. She just hires people to do stupid shit for Justin, like clean his house and run his errands. That’s not what he needs at all. When I was there I put him in his damn place. But…I just couldn’t do that after the whole Shane thing came out. He said too many shitty things to me. And he treated Kerri like his personal sex toy.

Nobody has the right to treat people that way.

“Wrong street huh?”

I lean forward and study her for a moment. She’s nice, quaint looking. I wonder how long it took for her to get Justin eating out of the palm of her hand. “I was going to give him a call until I saw a weird girl unloading groceries in the driveway.”

“Weird girl?” She rolls her eyes. “So you just decided to play stalker instead, right?”

“Look, you don’t know me.” I glare at her. “I’m here for Justin. I need to find out what’s going on.”

“What gives you the right to butt in?,” she says, pointing a accusing finger at me.

“I’m his best friend.” I figure that response is my meal ticket. Now she’ll understand everything and apologize for being such a bitch. She’ll tell me she was sorry she made assumptions. I’ll tell her to get a life. And that will be that.

But she doesn’t seem to give a shit who I am, and I‘m quickly brought back to reality. “Really?” She sits back in her chair and presses a finger to her lips. “Where the hell have you been then? The last I heard, his friends ditched him because they decided he was too much to handle.”

I grit my teeth. Yeah, that’s a great story. Too bad it’s bullshit. “Nobody ditched Justin. He pushed us away. Don’t believe everything he tells you, Melanie. He loves to get people to feel sorry for him. It’s like a hobby of his. We call it the ‘poor Justin game’,” I say brightly. “And it looks like you’re getting your getting your ass kicked, little girl.”

She leans forward, and gives me the most intimidating look I think I’ve ever seen on any woman. I swallow hard, and sit back in my seat quickly.

“Don’t you dare sit here, and try to pretend like you know what’s been going on or how he’s been acting,” she says, harshly. “You’re an asshole. And I’m glad that Justin has been able to separate himself from you.”

I contemplate for a moment about how much she knows. I really wonder if Justin broke down and told her all about me, all about Kerri. I just…I don’t think he’d do that. Justin’s so private. I just can’t see him talking to some stranger about his personal drama. Especially something as horrific as a kidnapping and…the other stuff. “So what do you know then?”

She gives me a stupid look. “Excuse me?”

“You said I’m an asshole, so that to me means that Justin told you a lot of things about me,” I nod. “Half of which, I’m sure, is a bunch of whiney exaggerated bullshit.”

“Why are you so angry at him?”

That wasn’t the response I was looking for. She was just supposed to tell me what she knows, not question me about my feelings. “I didn’t ask you to interrogate me,” I grunt. “I asked you what you know.”

“What does it matter?,” she whispers. “You know everything about your situation, so it doesn’t really matter what I know.”

“Well he lies a lot.” I sit back in the chair and fold my arms over my chest. “That’s why I’m asking you.”

“Justin has never lied to me,” she says, blankly. “He doesn’t have a reason to.”

It’s funny. She sounds just like Kerri used to before she realized how shitty Justin was treating her. It makes me want to laugh in her face, but of course I don’t do it. “Shows how much you know about him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I smile a little. She’s real defensive. The only time a girl gets that defensive about a guy is when she has feelings for him. I’d be angry, and tell her that Justin doesn’t have time for any of that right now, but it’s kind of funny to see her wallow in confusion because…well, she’s a bitch. “You like him.” My smile grows wider. “Don’t you?”

Her mouth hangs open for a split second, before she seems to catch herself. She immediately sits up taller in the chair, like she‘s more mature than me or something. “You’re fucking ridiculous.”

“Well you must,” I persist with a smile. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be getting so riled up about me calling him a liar.”

“He’s not a liar,” she says, sending me the dirtiest of looks. “I know he’s not.”

I lean forward then, conjuring up the most intimidating look that I possibly can. I’m going to get my point across, come hell or high water. “Justin is dangerous,” I look her right in the eye as I say the words to her. “You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

She rolls her eyes. “Please, spare me.”

“So he told you all about Kerri right?” I immediately want to kick myself. I shouldn’t be bringing Kerri into this. I don’t have a right to, because she’s not here, and she’s really fucked up in the head right now. I’m also doing myself a disservice. If this gets back to Justin, Lynn is going to find out I’m sure. And if Lynn finds out I’m going to be getting a phone call from my mom. I groan inwardly. I wish I could change the subject, but I know that’s impossible now. Damn it, sometimes I just let things get to me and I stay the stupidest shit. Why should I care if Justin hurts this girl? I mean, I don’t care about her. And she’s obviously an arrogant little bitch. I don’t know…I guess I just saw what happened to Kerri and I don’t want Justin to treat anybody else like that.

Even if it is this girl.

“Who‘s Kerri?”

She doesn’t know. It shouldn’t shock me, because she didn’t even know who I was. But I shouldn’t jump the gun. I really should be saying that she doesn’t know about Kerri yet. I don’t know how close Justin is getting to this girl, or what he‘s planning to talk to her about. But she‘s not a shrink, and hopefully Justin will be able to understand that and not talk about Kerri‘s personal problems with a stranger. “Don’t worry about it,“ I shrug. “I get it now.”

She throws her hands up in defeat. “You make no sense!”

“Just forget it,” I mutter, glancing over my shoulder to make sure Lynn isn’t’ within earshot. “Like I said, I’m here because I’m concerned. I don’t know you, and Justin doesn’t really trust people that easily these days. I don’t know what your intentions are. I haven’t been around but…that’s irrelevant. I know him, you don’t. So why were you nominated to fill the position?”

“Oh I dunno, Trace,” she says, flashing me a sarcastic smile. “Maybe because all of his friends decided to be assholes, and I was Lynn’s last, gleaming hope?”

“Oh so you’re the fuckin messiah now?” I chuckle. “Give me a break, girl. You don’t know the first thing about Justin, about us…or about what he needs. Don’t sit here and tell me I’m an asshole when you don’t know the circumstances behind my decisions, all right?”

“When you stop judging me, I’ll stop judging you,” she states simply. “That would be the intellectual thing to do anyway.”

I want to fire back another snide remark about how she has the intellect of a fruit fly, but I can’t say anything else. Lynn is back now, big old smile on her face like everything is just fucking perfect. That’s one thing that bothers me about her, but I wont let it get to me. I just sit back in my chair again, and force a content smile so Lynn won’t get any ideas. I glance at Melanie, who’s decided to turn back into the sweet little princess Lynn knows and loves. She’s smiling pleasantly, giving no leeway to the bitch that she really is.

I want to strangle her.

“So Trace, isn’t our Melanie a sweetheart?”

Lynn takes a seat and throws an arm around Melanie, who flashes me a fake cuddly wuddly smile. I want to spit in her fucking face, but I have to keep my cool. Lynn can’t know about this, that we’ve actually met before, or that we basically can’t stand each other. It would just make this situation even weirder than it already is. And I for one, don’t need anymore weirdness in my life right now. “Yeah. She’s definitely… unique.”

Melanie shoots me a glare.

We order some coffee, and Lynn proceeds to fill Melanie’s head with stories about Justin and me growing up. It’s something I’m really uncomfortable with, because Melanie doesn’t know me, and I don’t want her to get to know me. I don’t want her to think about how ‘cute Justin and I must have been’. I don’t want it. I nearly get up to leave too, before Lynn says. “Why don’t you go stay at the house for a few days, Trace? I’m sure Justin and Melanie would love some company.”

I feel sick, and let out a soft burst of nervous laughter. How the hell can she ask me that? In front of a fuckin’ stranger? She did it on purpose, I know she did. She thinks I wont be rude because we have company. She probably plotted this whole thing for weeks, just so Justin won’t have to worry about whether or not I hate him anymore. Well I’m not going to just cave in. This is fucking ridiculous.

“Oh yeah!,” Melanie chimes in, with fake enthusiasm. “What a good idea,” she smiles.

Fucking whore. She knows damn well I don’t want to be within ten feet of either of them.

“I’m pretty busy for the next few weeks,” I blurt out. Shit, my mom is going to hear all about this. But, I don’t care. I’m not going over there. I’m not going to be forced to hang around that bitch, and fight with her when no one is looking. And I’m definitely not going to be forced to be around Justin, who’s so fuckin insecure he’ll probably latch onto me like some faithful dog. I’m just not doing it. Not to mention the fact that Kerri is going to be staying in some crazy house, and I know I have to be the strong one when I go to pick her up for work and shit.

“Oh come on,” Lynn nudges me and sends me a playful smile. “You’re as stubborn as Justin is.”

I stand up. I can’t…I can’t do this anymore. I only came out here to find out if Justin was doing okay, not to be pressured into taking a vacation to his house. What is Lynn thinking? Did she smoke up before she came? Fuck, all she thinks about is herself. She’s not considering how I feel…or how Justin might feel about me being there. She just wants everything to be sweet and pretty like perfect little Melanie over there. I want to tell her that’s not how life works. But instead I shove my hands in my pockets and say, “I should probably get going.”

The look on Lynn’s face is telling me she’s upset with me. Not angry…upset. Back home, having a mother figure be ‘upset’ with you is worse than having her angry with you. My heart starts to ache as I slowly retreat from the table, and my conscience begins to pull at me. I know I still…I owe it to Lynn. But I can’t do it. Justin hurt me…so bad, and I can’t get over the fact that he didn’t care when Kerri had that accident, that he didn’t come to the hospital. That the best he could do was run away. After everything, I never thought he would have stooped that low. I mean fuck what happened to him, Kerri was a part of that. And he hurt her. He should have fucking been there. She would have been there if it had been the other way around.

“Trace.”

I’m at the door now. I could easily just walk away, but…that’s not how I was raised. With a sigh, I turn around. Of course Lynn is standing there. Her eyes are a little glossy, and I know I’m being really stupid for upsetting her. “Lynn, I’m sorry.”

She nods slowly. “I shouldn’t have expected you to act any different, Trace. It’s just been a long time, and I guess a part of me thought you’d be okay with the idea.”

I shrug. “There’s a lot I have to consider.”

“I know.” She rubs my arm gently, like a mother would. “But he needs you,” she whispers.

I feel myself becoming choked up. I can’t cry right now. I don’t want Lynn to see it, and I don’t want to admit to myself how much I really need Justin too. “He needs a lot of things,” I whisper. “And I was there for him, Lynn. He didn’t appreciate it.”

“He knows that the kidnapper working on his tour wasn’t your fault,” she whispers. “He never meant to blame you.”

I tug away from her. That’s the last thing I wanted to be reminded of right now. “Well he did blame me. And he rubbed it in my face whenever he was angry enough. I wont even get into what he did to Kerri…”

“Let’s not get into her,” Lynn says quickly. “I really don’t care.”

I stare at her. In a million years, I never thought I would have heard those words come out of Lynn’s mouth, regarding Kerri. They used to be so close, almost like mother and daughter. It occurs to me that Justin has probably put the blame on Kerri for a lot of things. He hasn’t’ confessed to his mother that he used Kerri just as much as she used him. So in turn, Lynn doesn’t care what happens to her. It really disgusts me that Justin would turn his own mother against the girl. Now I remember exactly why I stopped talking to him. “Lynn, just listen…”

“If you’re not going to visit for Justin‘s sake,” she says, cutting me off. “Visit for mine.”

I shake my head. “It’s not right for you to ask me that.” My voice cracks a little as I speak, and I hate myself. I hate that I’m going to start crying in a minute. “Things are stressful enough right now.”

She kisses my cheek. “This is family, Trace. Not just another one of your friends. Please, just think about it.”

My mouth hangs open., but I can’t speak. I just stare at her, and a moment later she simply waves goodbye and retreats back to the table we were sitting at. I nearly follow her, before remembering that Melanie is sitting there. My eyes are watery now and there’s no way I’m going to let that bitch see me cry, so I just walk out to my car. I get in, slam the door, and bury my face in my hands. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. That woman just made me feel horrible about myself. I know she’s just trying to get me and Justin to talk again, but fuck…she was acting like I deserted him for no reason. There’s another side to this story that she wont’ allow herself to see and I can’t fucking stand that. Once again, I feel like this all my fault…that I’m obligated to go make things right between Justin and I. I feel weak and stupid, just like before.

It’s not fucking fair.

Tap tap

Lynn’s gotta be back and I don’t want to deal with her anymore. Without looking up, I turn the key in the ignition and press the button so my window will roll down. “Look,” I half sob, finally looking up to greet her with red eyes. “I..”

Melanie.

What. The. Fuck.

“It’s obvious this isn’t the last time we’re going to see each other, Trace.”

I don’t answer. I hide my face in the steering wheel, and pretend she’s not there.

“So I’m sorry.”

I nearly give myself whiplash. “You’re what?”

She rolls her eyes. “You heard me.”

She’s sorry. Now she’s fucking sorry. After sitting there with her holier-than-thou attitude, she’s apologizing. Well, it’s a little too late for that. “Great, you’re sorry. I can take a breath now.” I start to put my car in gear, but stop when she gives me another intimidating look. “What do you want?,” I grunt. “I’m leaving, you don’t have to deal with me anymore. That’s what you wanted isn’t it?”

She places her hands on her hips, and lets out a long sigh. “Trace, you need to realize that I’m in charge of Justin now. I know that for awhile you were probably dealing with a lot of things that were hard. But you let it go, so you don’t need to be concerned right now.”

“But…”

“And I don’t care who you are, or who Kerri is,” she rambles on. “I don’t even care about the person that Justin used to be, or whatever happened to him. I just know that I have to take care of the person he is now, and force him to not dwell on the past so much. That’s my job. It’s not really outlined, but Lynn didn’t have to tell me what to do when she hired me. I just knew, and what I didn’t know, I learned.”

“You know you’re….”

“I never had a childhood best friend, so I can’t begin to imagine what you must have gone through with him, or what you’re going through right now. But you can‘t just expect to walk away from Justin like you did, and step right back in when you feel like it. It‘s not good for him, or for anybody.”

I guess I’m not going to get a word in here, so I lean back in my seat, and pull my hat down over my eyes. I’m not ignoring her. Unfortunately, most of what she’s saying is making sense to me. She’s not stupid. She’s actually a lot more together, and a lot more intellectual than I thought. It doesn’t mean I like her. But it doesn’t mean I should be a fuck head to her either. She’s right. In all likelihood I’ll be seeing her again. I can’t say when, because I can’t even say when I’ll be able to pay Justin a visit. All I know is, it won’t be so great if I’m a dick to her while Justin is around. But I’m good at faking it, so it probably wont’ be so hard. It’s when we’re alone…that’s when dick Trace will take over. But I’m hoping to avoid those moments, somehow.

“I should go,” she says, and it causes me to look at her again.

“Uh, okay.”

She barely waves, and start to walk away. Again, I start to put the car in gear but I’m once again defeated when she stops and turns back to me. I groan. “What now?”

“We go running, every morning…early.”

I stare at her.

“He’s getting better,” she nods. “Not a lot but…a little bit. You should sleep nights. It’s good for you.”

“He goes running with you?,” I blurt out stupidly. I just don’t believe that. He’s such a shut in. He’d never get up at the crack to go running with anybody when I was still hanging around. He was too depressed. He slept too much. This is fucking weird.

What is she doing that I couldn’t do? That Kerri couldn’t do?

She just shrugs. “I don’t give him the option to say no.”

She doesn’t give me a chance to ask more questions. She just goes back inside the restaurant, probably concerned that Lynn will be wondering what happened to her. I stare dumbly after her, my mouth hanging open, eyes still watery, not knowing what the hell to do. I’m a little numb. I just…I wasn’t expecting her to be so…pro Justin. His mother isn’t even that enthusiastic about making him come out of his stupid funk. She just babies him. This girl…I just don’t know. It’s like she’s on a mission. Is that a good thing? Maybe. But I can’t tell. Maybe I should go to the house, just to see what’s going on. It would be good to see if Justin has some color in his face, and if he’s acting sane.

Maybe I’m just hoping she’s somehow turned him back into my best friend. Maybe I just need to see him. Maybe I just miss him like hell.

I don’t fuckin know.

I do know Kerri would be a lot better off if I stayed away from him.

But I don’t think that I can.

The same three or four thoughts roll over in my mind the entire way back to my place. I can’t get the lunch, Melanie, and the possibility of seeing Justin again out of my head. I wish I could call Kerri for advice, but I know she’s not in the right frame of mind to help. She’d either snap at me to go there, or just cry, and I’m not dealing with that mess. It’s bad enough I have to see her tonight. I don’t know if I can even tell her about today. I probably wont because it’s just not a good time. But if I don’t tell her, she’ll get mad at me for keeping shit from her. Fuck, this is such a mess. I really should have called in sick from life today. If I had, I’d be a little saner, and a lot more calm right now. But I cant’ change shit. What’s done is done and now it’s time to make some decisions. Decisions that are going to effect a lot of people. But I tend to forget that Justin has always been my best friend, and I have to wonder…if I’d been the one kidnapped with Kerri, if that sick shit had happened to me, what would I be like right now? I can’t say I wouldn’t be the same way…and I can’t say I’d be worse. The truth is, I have no idea how I’d handle something like that.

So maybe I should try seeing things from Justin’s perspective for a day or two.

Maybe Lynn has a point. This is family. And family is too important to just give up on, no matter how hard things seem.

I don’t go straight home. Instead, I decide to go to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for the house, and get Kerri a few things to make her feel more comfortable at the group home. Really, it still makes me shudder to think she’s going to have to stay in a place like that. If it had been my decision alone, I know I wouldn’t have even brought the idea up. But Elisha seemed to think it would be such a good idea to show her the place, and Kerri was such a mess that night that I didn’t know what else to do. It was more than obvious that Kerri’s situation was more than I could handle. She needed real help, and I figured…if this place would allow her to lead a normal life and help her at the same time, then it must have been good.

At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself over…and over….and over again.

I’m having a serious battle with myself trying to decide if I want Fritos or Pringles when my cell phone starts to ring. At first I think ‘I won’t answer, it’s just going to be Lynn or my mom and I don’t want to talk to them‘. But then I figure I should at least look at the caller ID, in case it’s somebody important like Tarin. So I pull my phone out of my pocket, and I’m glad I did when I realize that it’s Elisha calling me. “Hey,” I answer, brightly. “How’s everything going?”

“Okay,” she yawns. “We went up to the home yesterday to look around. I think Kerri likes it, she seemed to anyway.”

That’s a good thing. I was really worried that she’d decide that she was terrified about staying there, and we’d have to start all over again. Not that I’d hold that against her or anything, but let’s just say it wouldn’t help her situation or mine if she decided not to go through with this whole thing. “Well…that’s good, right?”

“Yeah. I just…I don’t know. She seems so off, Trace. I mean, she’s talking to me and everything. But I can tell she’s holding something back. I’d push her but…you know how Kerri is,” she says softly.

“She’s probably just overwhelmed,” I say, more for my sake than Elisha’s. Over the weekend, I’ve been trying to convince myself that Kerri really isn’t holding anything back from me. That she’s just stressed out about everything that’s happened, and she needs to get help. I’ve been trying to block out the conversation we had on the tennis court too. The fact that she said if she told me why she was upset, she’d make things worse, still haunts me. I don’t know what the hell she was talking about. It could be nothing. It could just be that she didn’t want to talk about the same shit anymore. But I don’t know…

Kerri had never been that bad before.

It was like she completely lost it. All the confidence, all the stamina she’d built up over the past few months…it was just gone, like something had suddenly sucked all the life out of her. Maybe it was because I semi gave up on her. Maybe it was because we fooled around and it confused her. Fuck, maybe she was reminded of Justin. How they used to have sex, and how he used to treat her afterward. How she had to find out what his real intentions were the hard way. And I couldn’t’ help her because I didn’t know how.

I still don’t.

“I don’t know, Trace,” she sighs. “I think there’s a lot more to Kerri than anybody thinks. She keeps a lot inside. She spent most of this weekend crying and stuff. I’ve never seen her like this, and I didn’t really try to pry information out of her. I mean she told me some stuff, like how she’s been confused and tired. Did you know she still has nightmares every night? She said she doesn’t like to tell people…it’s really bad, Trace. I can’t believe she’s been holding out this long. There was really no reason for her to.”

For the second time today, I find my eyes welling up with tears. I don’t want to burst into tears in the middle of Whole Foods though, so I just push my cart forward and continue with my shopping. I feel so fucking guilty right now, like I have no right butting into Kerri’s life anymore because it’s obvious I’m not helping and it’s obvious she keeps a lot of shit from me. Now more than ever, I realize what happened between her and Justin effected her more than anybody thought. I know now…she still loves him, and that’s killing her.

But I can’t do anything about it.

“Is she around,” I whisper, trying to hide the depression in my voice.

“She’s in the bathroom,” Elisha tells me quickly. “I didn’t want to call you while she was around. I knew she wouldn’t’ want me to. We’re at lunch, but we’re going to head back your way afterwards. You still want to take the trip up to the home right?”

I do, but for some reason I feel like I need to be alone with Kerri while we drive up there. I mean, Elisha is a big part of this but…I dunno. I feel like she’ll break down and tell me a lot more if we’re alone. And I need to find out what the major issue is. “I do but…I think I’d like to take her up there myself, Elisha.”

“Trace, I don’t know…”

“Listen, I’m the one that’s been looking out for her,” I interrupt, a little harshly. “If she’s going to crack, she’s going to crack to me, all right?”

“You can’t just pressure her!,” she exclaims. “You don’t know how she’ll react.”

Elisha means well, and I’m really grateful that she’s taken time out of her life to help me out with Kerri and stuff. But I have a few things I need to talk to Kerri about, that I don’t think Elisha should be around for. “Look, I know what I’m doing,” I say, as I toss a bottle of ketchup into my shopping cart. “I’m not going to yell at her or anything. I promise.”

“Okay, so if you do I have the right to kick your ass then?”

I have to laugh. “Sure.”

“Fine. I’ll tell her I have an emergency dinner meeting or something, even though it’s really shitty to lie to her,” she groans. “You just better not be an asshole.”

“Elisha,” I say with a burst of laughter. “When have you known me to be an asshole?”

“I’m hanging up on you now.”

She really does it too, and I can’t help but chuckle to myself again. I’m glad we’re sort of becoming friends again, and that we can trust each other. No, I’d never try to get her back. I’m over her, and Tarin has taken up most of my intimate thoughts for the moment. I know it’s better this way though. I don’t blame anybody for the fact that my relationship with Elisha fell apart anymore. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that, it simply wasn’t meant to be, and if the break up didn’t happen when it did…it was bound to happen soon enough. It shocks me that I’m thinking this way. It means I’m changing, finally. I’m taking a step forward, trying to move on. My only fear is what’s going to happen tonight…

And what’s going to happen when I finally cave and decide to talk to Justin again.
*****************
Elisha was supposed to take the drive with Trace and I so she could see me off as I settled into my nut house, but for some reason, at the last possible second, she had to attend a business dinner that she couldn’t get out of. I understood I guess. I mean, I know how this business works. Everything is last minute, and some opportunities can’t be missed regardless of what else is going on in life. She did promise that she’d come visit me during the week…that we would have dinner or something. I shrugged it off and told her that was fine…that I’d call her.

I wont call.

This weekend was okay. Originally, I was supposed to be working at the radio station all day Saturday but I guess Trace talked to Tarin and had her pull some strings, or some bullshit, and got me out of it. I didn’t dwell on it. I figured it was better that I had the time off to collect my thoughts and get myself together before going back to work on Monday. I knew the work week coming up was going to be even more strenuous and crazy than it had ever been before, because there was an event coming up, so I was glad I was getting the chance to prepare myself. Saturday morning Elisha and I took a drive up to the group home to visit her friend and to see what I thought about staying there. It’s really serene, despite the fact that it’s only about forty minutes from Trace’s condo. Just pulling up the driveway, I could already point out three places I’d like to sit and think about things. It seemed promising, for a moment I forgot why I was really there. But then I remembered it wasn’t a vacation. Even though Elisha reassured me that the place was nothing like a psychiatric hospital, I was still going to be staying there because I had issues, there was no getting around that. I sucked it up though. Instead of telling her I didn’t want to go inside, I took a breath, got out of the car, and followed her inside the building deemed “The Foster Center”.

We found Elisha’s friend Cassidy after awhile. She was there because she’d gotten into some trouble with drugs, and was trying to overcome addiction. She seemed happy that Elisha had recommended the place to me, but didn’t ask me why I needed to stay there. It was better that way. I’m sure she probably figured out who I was after awhile anyway, since I knew Elisha and she’d been engaged to Justin’s best friend once upon a time. I was just happy not to be judged, so I tried not to think about her opinions of me as she gave us the grand tour. In all, I was satisfied. It wasn’t a scary place, like Orange Valley, and Madison wasn’t there. Those were two great reasons to forget about my anxieties all together, but I knew I couldn’t. There were still strangers I hadn’t met, like Susan, the director of the program. I was nervous about that encounter. I was afraid she’d be like Madison…ask me about Justin, or just pressure me about things in general. Cassidy seemed to like her a lot, and told me a few stories about how Susan had helped her overcome addiction. Of course I smiled and nodded. I wasn’t going to be a bitch…but I wasn’t ready to settle on somebody else’s opinions either.

The house is really homey. The furniture is really cozy, and there’s a fireplace in almost every room. I like that. It makes me feel a little more secure, which I’m sure was the purpose of putting them in. There’s a kitchen, Cassidy told me that they were free to bring their own food in and make whatever they wanted to. Then there’s a computer room, a living room which doubles as a meeting place, and two full bathrooms. The upper level of the house is where all the bedrooms are, and another partial bathroom. In all, it’s really nice. There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with the place, and the best part is…I won’t have to share a room with anybody, and that was something I’d been really worried about.

About an hour before we left the home, Susan showed up. Apparently she’d been out visiting with family for most of the afternoon, and had just returned. Cassidy was quick to introduce me, and I shook her hand and smiled pleasantly. I’d looked over my shoulder for a split second, and Elisha seemed to have disappeared. I was kind of pissed. She knew I was uncomfortable around strangers, but I guess it was just her way of allowing me to acquaint myself with my new surroundings. Whatever, I know she always means well but…I wasn‘t ready to be left alone. After our quick greeting, Susan invited me to come to her office for a few minutes so she could get settled and ‘get to know me a little bit’. I had to hold my groan back, but I agreed because I knew I didn’t really have a choice.

Susan’s office, like the rest of the house, was cozy and laid back. The couch was old and broken in, perfect for laying on and falling asleep. I had thought to myself how much Justin would have liked it, and I wanted to vomit at the thought. The last person I’d wanted to think about on that particular day was Justin, but for whatever reason…I couldn’t help myself. I think Susan had sensed my mood then, because she started to ramble on about the home, the people there, and that she wanted me to consider if it was the right place for me. I listened intently for the most part. She seemed nice, not so fake…not so pushy. I mean, of course I knew I had to stay. Trace had basically told me he couldn’t handle my issues anymore and I certainly wasn’t going to go back and live with him if that was the case.

“So,” she’d sighed, once she’d finished filling me in. “Why are you here?”

I’d kind of stared at her stupidly for a few minutes. I mean, I had thought she’d been filled in beforehand, but I guess that I was wrong. “Well, some things happened to me…” I’d trailed off and looked at the ground. I was embarrassed. I suddenly remembered how hard it was for me to talk about everything, and just why it was that I hadn’t been able to communicate with a shrink. I felt myself retreat, ball up. My mind wouldn’t allow myself to confess anything. It convinced me that it was better to hide. “I just need to get out on my own,” I’d blurted out.

“You and I know that’s not true,” Susan had said, the amount of impatience in her voice growing. “If you’re going to do this, if you’re going to be here, you have to want to change. You can’t just be doing this because your friends think it’s a great idea.”

I’d shrugged. “I cause trouble wherever I go.”

“Your issues allow you to cause trouble, Kerri,” she’d informed me. “You have to learn how to move on from them. Right now they are controlling your life, and you need to be stronger than that.”

The tears started then. I hated it. I wasn’t ready to cry in front of her. I’d done it enough, in front of too many people. “Maybe I should go,” I’d sniffled, rising up from the sofa.

“How many shrinks and self help groups have you walked away from before me?,” she’d asked, sternly.

“I…” I’d licked my lips. “Two.”

“Why?”

“I can’t just tell you.” I’d said, looking at her like she was nuts. “People don’t understand. They look at me and find out who I am…what I’ve been through, who I know, and they just assume things about me. I can’t…deal with that anymore.”

“Then don’t.” She’d sat up straighter in her desk chair. “Don’t let me assume who you are, Kerri. You have to let me know who you are, because you‘re the only one who really knows.”

I’d sat down, the shock of her attitude hitting me hard. Nobody I’d ever talked to had been so pushy with me before. She wasn’t motherly, and she wasn’t a know it all. She was telling me like it was. This was life. And I wanted to beat something. I realized then that the only way I could even start to become…better, was to give in and spill everything to her. It was strange because she was as much of a stranger to me as a person standing on the street corner…but for some reason, none of that mattered. I just…I knew I could tell her things and she’d be okay with it. She wouldn’t tell me what to do to help Justin, she’d tell me what I needed to do to help me. “I came home for a family reunion a few months ago,” I’d started off. “And I ended up with a gun to my head for three days. It’s hard for me to…to get into it…” I’d had to stop then, my emotions getting too much to handle. “Just, my friend…things happened to him and I know that they wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been there.”

“Kerri.”

I’d somehow managed to look at her.

“You can’t blame yourself for things that were out of your control. And if you’ll let me, let us…I think you can beat this thing. But you‘re going to have to work hard. Nobody is going to be able to change things for you, except yourself. Do you think you‘re ready to handle that?”

“I think so…”

“That’s not good enough,” she’d snapped. “You have to want it.”

“I do want it!” I’d yelled. “God, I’m tired of this. I’m tired of not sleeping and I‘m tired of crying all the time! I’ve lost friends, I barely talk to my family…”

“Then prove to yourself that you want to change,” she’d demanded. “Get yourself moved in, and when you get back from work on Monday night, I want to see you in group…8pm sharp.”

“What if I can’t change,” I’d murmured. “What if this is just how I’m supposed to be now.”

“Kerri.”

I looked up at her. For the first time, the stern gaze in her eyes had softed, and she looked like she wanted nothing more than to help me.

“If I knew you couldn’t change, I would have sent you on your way instead of telling you to come to group,” she said softly, stepping around her desk to sit next to me on the couch. “I can tell you’re stronger than you think. But I think that you’ve let things get to you , and that you’ve lost touch with who you are. Am I touching base a little bit?”

“Yes,” I’d nodded, the disbelief in my voice more than noticeable. “But how can you just…know?”

She smiled then, and helped me to my feet. “You remind me of someone I used to know. Now go, I know you probably have more things to take care of before we see each other again, right?”

It was only then that I was able to remember that Elisha was somewhere in the house waiting for me. It was weird. I could have just stayed there then, and not worried about my possessions that were back at Trace’s place. None of it seemed to matter. I knew that I could have sat in that room with Susan for hours, and told her all of my problems until I was blue in the face. Something inside of me changed. I felt myself let go of my Trace and Justin anxiety for that breif few minutes. I saw the future. I saw myself getting ahead, bettering myself, being acknowledged at work, and starting my life again. The fact that Justin was probably wallowing in his own misery didn’t seem to matter. The fact that I’d hurt Trace…didn’t seem to matter. “I’ll be back,” I reassured Susan as I walked toward the doorway.

She’d nodded. “I know.”

I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out at Elisha’s house. Surprisingly I’d allowed her to take me out with her and some of her friends to a new restaurant in town. It was nice. I’d never really hung around Elisha enough to get to know her friends, but they seemed like a nice group of girls. The didn’t devle into my personal life, which I was thankful for, but I’m sure that Elisha had warned them not to beforehand. I felt so comfortable that night. Normal. Actually, I think Trace could have even been there and I would have been fine with it. I laughed a lot, over stupid jokes that didn’t make sense. I ate way too much, and I even went out to the dance floor and danced with Elisha and her friends for a little while. For a moment I felt like…a normal human being again. I felt like Kerri Donnovan. Not Kerri, Justin’s friend. Not Kerri, Trace’s friend. Not Kerri…that girl who got kidnapped. I felt like myself, for the first time in fucking forever. Elisha even pointed out how well I’d handled the outing on the way back to her place that night.

I didn’t think I’d have an issue getting to bed.

I woke up screaming at around three o’clock., drenched in sweat. It had been another nightmare, about…things. I’d been so angry for allowing myself to think that I could have just gone to bed without an issue. And I was even angrier when Elisha came bursting into the room, a look of pure terror on her face.

“Ker! What’s the matter?” She’d immediately sat down on the bed, as I’d obviously had become hysterical at this point. “It’s okay,” she’d told me, wrapping her arms around me and rocking me a little bit in her arms. “You’re okay.”

When I finally managed to get a hold of myself, I told her I’d just had a nightmare and she could go back to bed. Naturally she didn’t want to leave me by myself, so I confessed to her that it happened to me all the time and she shouldn’t lose sleep over it.

“What do you mean, it happens all the time?,” she’d said, running a hand through her hair. “I mean, Trace said you were having problems but I thought you were past not sleeping and stuff like that?”

Most nights I woke up crying from a nightmare, Trace wouldn’t hear me, and I’d been thankful. It was only in those few instances, when I was literally screaming, that he would rush into my room. Most of the time he was so exhausted, he just stumbled over to my bed and slept there the rest of the night. I felt bad for doing that to him, so lately I’ve only been sleeping for two or three hours at a time, hoping that the nightmares won’t be given the chance to form that way. They still do though. So now I’m an exhausted, moody mess, instead of just a moody mess. I think it has a lot do with why I lost it on Trace the other night, and big part of the reason I agreed to live elsewhere

“I don’t know,” I’d continued, still breathing heavily. “I try not to dream but I mean…how can I prevent it? I usually don’t sleep like this, because when I do…this is what happens, Elisha.” I’d allowed myself to lean against her shoulder then, and wrap my arms around her. “I’m so scared sometimes. It just seems like…I keep reliving everything that happened. I don’t want to think about it when I’m awake so I guess…I guess that’s why it comes to me in dreams.”

“Listen to me,” she’d said, pulling away from me so she could look me in the eye. “You need to get some kind of medication, Kerri. Something that’s going to help you sleep. You can’t keep going on like this, okay? It’s a big part of the reason why you’re such a mess right now.”

I wanted to tell her that the reason I’d woken up screaming wasn’t because I was reliving the kidnapping like so many times before. No…this time it had been about Justin, but there was no way I could have told Elisha that. It doesn’t happen all that often. I think that might have been the fourth or fifth nightmare I’d had about him. He’d been beating the daylights out of me in the dream, and I hadn’t been able to stop him. He screamed at me. He told me he never loved me, and that nobody in their right mind ever would…because I was such a manipulative little bitch. That’s when he pulled out the gun.

And it went off.

I hadn’t said much in response to Elisha’s advice. I have no desire to take pills, because I know I have a good chance of becoming addicted to something like that, and the last thing I need is to have some kind of pill popping issue. I just told her that I’d like some water, and when she came back with it, I felt strong enough to tell her I’d be fine to go back to bed. Of course she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t protest against my wishes either. She just told me she’d be across the hall if I needed anything, and left me to my thoughts. I didn’t end up going back to sleep, but really, I wasn’t expecting to anyway.

We’re at Denny’s of all places. I already ate, but Trace told me he was starving and didn’t want to go home and eat alone, he said it was too depressing. So I agreed, begrudgingly, that I’d stop here with him so he could eat without being depressed. I was a little pissed off. I just wanted to get in the car and get back to Susan’s at a decent time so I could get settled. It’s weird enough that I’m going to be sleeping in a strange place for the first time tonight. I don’t know though. I think while Trace knows this is the best thing for me, he’s really going to miss having me around, and he’s trying to prolong our separation for as long as he can. I don’t blame him.

This whole thing is my fault anyway.

I wasn’t as shocked as I was angry at myself, when Trace told me he knew what I’d done to Tarin. I couldn’t believe that I’d sat back and figured I’d gotten away with something like that. And when Trace told me I was turning into Justin, I knew he was right. I was hurting him and he cared about me. All he was doing was trying to move on with his life, and I’d had more than my chance to start dating him. I know why I’d been so hell bent on keeping him to myself. Trace has been the only one that’s supported me through everything I’ve been through, and I didn’t want his attention taken away from me. But that wasn’t right. Because while I did want his attention, it annoyed the hell out of me that he wasn’t being his own person...that he was just catering to me. I was contradicting myself, and it was childish. Trace had every right to simply throw me out of the house…send me back to Tennessee to live with my parents. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to do that to me. He knows how hard it is for me to put up with my parents, having to act like I’m more stable than I really am. So he did the next best thing. He reached out to a friend, who in turn, helped him to find a better solution.

And I love him for that. So much.

“You know,” Trace says, with pancake stuffed in his mouth. “People underestimate Denny’s.”

I take a sip from my milkshake. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I mean, for 5.99 you can get three pancakes, two eggs, and hash browns…and they’re hot too,” he grins at me stupidly and guzzles some of his milk. “Everywhere else around here charges you ten bucks for just an egg. People don’t know what they‘re missing.”

It always baffles me. Despite the fact that Trace has made millions of dollars working for Justin, he still looks for a bargain. He’s not really one to spend money on expensive clothes, but I think that’s because he’d rather design his own. He’s also not one to go out to a really expensive dinner, or buy expensive food at the grocery store unless there’s a good reason for him to. I think it’s because of how he was raised. Trace’s mom always had to pinch pennies when we were young. His father was always out of a job, and she didn’t make much money working as a secretary. While Justin’s family and my family always had money to spare, I often found myself walking to the bus stop with Trace and Justin on the first day of school, with Trace wearing the same clothes he’d had the previous year. I’d feel bad for him, and I know Justin felt terrible. I’d see Trace in a lot of Justin’s old clothes some of the time, knowing that Lynn had taken it upon herself to be charitable as Trace’s mom was Lynn’s best friend.

Things are different now of course. When Trace made his first big earnings, he sent all the money to his mom, who in turn…knocked down their shanty of a house and built a big new one. I thought it was sweet of him. I know he was happy to do it, because his father had never been able to provide anything nice for the family. I try not to talk about a lot of that with Trace though. I don’t know why. Maybe I should have. I guess I figured he had Justin to talk about that kind of crap with, and he didn’t need me. Besides, he was traveling around with Justin so much, I doubt he had time to think about the bad parts of his childhood.



Trace looks really good. He’s clean, he looks like he’s slept, and he also looks like he’s been having some fun. I haven’t asked about what he’s been doing or who he’s been doing it with, but I don’t think I have to. The name Tarin comes to mind and that’s the only answer I need. But it’s good. He’s better off hanging out with her and moving on with his life. I’m too much of a mess to handle. He’s made that crystal clear to me. I looked in the mirror before I left the house tonight. I hated the person that I saw. Really, I could have passed for a druggie. My hairs a mess, my face is pale, my eyes are sunken in and bloodshot. It’s no wonder people run for the hills when I come around. Nobody needs a pile of shit dumped in their lap. I know I wouldn’t.

“Kerri.”

I glance at him. He seems concerned, probably because I haven’t been saying much since we got in the car, and even less since we’ve sat down. “I’m all right,” I say, hoping that I’ll be able to reassure him.

He sighs. “I’m worried about….what this is going to do to you.”

“What’s it going to do to me?,” I laugh lightly. “I took a tour, Trace. I met the director. I feel like it’s where I belong. You don’t have to feel like…you’re blowing me off or something.”

“What happens if you wake up in the middle of the night?” He says softly, his eyes darting around us like somebody might hear him. “Those people…they don’t know what to do.”

I lean my elbows on the table, and prop my head up with my hands, squeezing my eyes shut for a few moments so I can prolong the headache I feel coming on. “I need to learn how to handle things on my own,” I tell him, once I’m able to look at him again. “That’s a big reason why I’m going to be living there.”

“Elisha said you’ve been having nightmares.”

I groan. Damn her. I mean, I figured she might have said something, but I guess I was hoping she would wait until I’d gotten settled away from Trace and everything. “You know I have nightmares. That‘s nothing new.”

“Kerri,“ he sighs. “It’s just that…I mean, are you sure you don’t want to tell me anything?”

This leads back to the meltdown I had on Friday night. I didn’t care then, but now I could kick myself for allowing myself to slip up like I had. I gave so much away, basically told Trace there was a lot more to my story than what he knew. Why’d I do it? I guess when Trace told me he was going to see Lynn it got to me. I was afraid she’d fill his mind with a lot of things, tell him Justin wasn’t wrong…that I was wrong. And then I’d be forced to see him again. I couldn’t handle that….even now, if Justin came around, I know I’d have a meltdown all over again. And I wanted to tell him, I wish like hell that I could have. But I know what the consequences would have been. Trace has his own private reasons for not talking to Justin at the moment, and I for one…wasn’t going to give him another devastating blow. “There’s nothing to say,” I whisper, looking down into my milkshake again.

“Kerri, if there’s an issue, or something you’re holding back, I’d rather you just tell me. Why keep it from me? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Damn it, Trace,” I snap. “Maybe I don’t want to fucking tell you.”

“Oh.”

He seems to retreat very quickly, and I feel my heart sink. Great Kerri, way to make the kid feel like an even bigger asshole. “Trace, look I…”

“Forget it.”

He says it almost too quietly, and when he slides himself out of the booth and starts to put on his jacket, I know that he’s officially given up. A part of me is wild about that, but mostly…I feel like a stupid, worthless, idiot. “I…”

He throws a few bills down on the table. “Let’s go.”

He walks away, and I’m left staring after him. He barely ate half of his meal, and I know that he’s just disgusted with me right now. After everything that he chose to confess to me, and after how he put his own life second, simply so that I‘d have a shot of making it with my own, I still choose to make him a third wheel. God fucking forbid somebody else has a vendetta against Justin. God forbid somebody know how violent he’s become…how dangerous he can be. He proved it to me, and I still choose to protect him. I still hold him to a higher regard. Why? Fucking why?

I look at the floor and my vision is immediately flooded with tears.

Because I know I still love him, despite the fact that I say I hate him. And despite the fact that I’ve said I never want to see him again, I know that if he walked through that door right now, I’d probably fall to my knees and cry to him about how much I really do need him, and that I forgive him for what he did. It’s pathetic, but I know it’s true. Maybe I’d be scared at first, but it wouldn’t last. And if Trace knew about what happened, I know he wouldn’t’ let me within ten feet of Justin. I guess I don’t want that. I want to be able to make my own choices. So yeah, I guess I don’t hate Justin as much as I thought. Strongly dislike? At the moment yes. Does what he did terrify me? Of course.

But then I think back to that basement, his strong arms, and his hopeful eyes, and I forget about that monster. I can only focus on the Justin I thought I knew, and what he sacrificed for my safety.

And I just want him back.

The realization makes me want to vomit, but I hold it all in as I head back to the car and get in. Trace is fumbling with the radio, and barely takes notice of me as we pull out of the parking lot. I can’t say anything. Partially because I don’t really know what to say, and also because I don’t want to vomit all over the leather interior.

“I had lunch with Lynn,” he says after awhile.

I knew that was coming, so I don’t act surprised. I’m in too much of a daze to show any kind of expression really, so I simply focus my gaze out the window and get out a “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

It’s silent for about another twenty minutes. I guess he’s waiting for me to ask him about it, but the thing about that is, I don’t want to know.

“I might go visit Justin.”

It’s the next thing he says to me, and this time, I feel myself go numb. I can’t look at him, because I know I’ll start crying, so I just remain focused on the scenery outside. “Okay.”

“I just feel like it’s something I need to do,” he explains. “And I…I wasn’t going to tell you but I felt like if I didn’t it wouldn’t be right.”

“I told you before,” I speak up. “You should talk to him again. You need to. He’s your friend.”

“He used to be yours too, Ker,” he sighs.

“So?”

“I just…I get the feeling that whatever it is that’s making you upset has a lot to do with Justin,” he admits. “Maybe that’s stupid. Maybe you’re just upset because he didn’t come to the hospital, and that‘s why you don‘t like to talk about him. It just makes me so mad that I can’t figure it out, Ker. I’ve told you everything. I figured you’d be able to do the same with me. Justin is a part of both of our lives, like it or not. I hate to put it that way, but you have to face facts sometime, and I think I‘ve avoided the subject for your sake long enough.”

He’s just not going to stop, and in turn, I’m going to end up puking all over the place. I start to feel light headed, and squeeze my eyes shut for a few moments, hoping that the feeling will pass.

You want to be with me,” I repeat, this time sobbing out the words. I’m shocked that it’s coming together. Shocked that after all of these years, after all of the heartache and pain and separation and tragedy…we’re finally getting our chance. It’s so unbelievable to me in fact, that I can’t help but be a little weary. “Justin, I can’t…”

He laughs lightly, lovingly, and wraps me up in his strong arms. “Kerri, it’s okay.”

“But what if…”

But his lips on mine silence my discouraging speech. We kiss wildly, furiously, our tongues dueling senselessly. Our breathing heavy, rapid. I hear myself say his name, over and over…and then he says mine. And it’s so fucking beautiful that I start to cry all over again. But it doesn’t seem to make him nervous, and it doesn’t’ make him stop kissing me. If anything, it makes our passion that much more intense. He cradles me in his arms as I cry, taking care to kiss the tears off of my cheeks, all the while whispering my name in my ear.

“Shit.” My eyes snap open. I can’t do this. I need to get away from Trace, and I need to stop thinking about Justin before it drives me crazy. “Just stop it,” I snap at him. “Why are you pressuring me about Justin all of a sudden? You used to be so cautious before.”

“I never thought Justin was a big part of your emotional issue,” he tells me. “I thought that when you split up and separated yourself from him, that was that. I’m not saying you should see him again if you don’t want to. I just…think…maybe you can start talking about it.”

“You want me to talk about it,” I let out a bitter laugh. “You know why? Because it will make you feel less guilty about going to see him. I told you before, Trace. I don’t fucking care if you two become friends again.”

“But you do Kerri. Otherwise you wouldn’t turn into such a wreck when his name comes up.”

“Then don’t bring his name up.”

He groans. “Justin is family, Kerri. At least he is to me, and when I saw Lynn she kind of made me realize some things. I think…maybe I’m being kind of pig headed just turning my back on him like this. You have more than enough reasons to avoid him for however long you need to. I just can’t do it though. Maybe I’m weak or something but…that’s just how it is.”

I won’t ask about Lynn, how she looked, how she seemed, or what she told him. As far as that woman is concerned, I’m a stupid idiot. The bond we shared once upon a time is long gone, and I know I’ll never get it back. While it hurts, it’s not the most important thing I need to be thinking about. It’s just another thing that resides in the pile of ‘mistakes’ in the back of my mind. “Trace if you want to get back on track with Lynn and Justin just fucking do it!,” I say, my patience wearing thin. “What is it? Are you looking for my blessing or something?”

“Maybe…I don’t know. I just…”

“It’s. Fucking. Fine.” I cross my arms stubbornly. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

And he doesn’t say anything else about it. Actually, he’s silent for the rest of our trip. I start to feel a little guilty for snapping at him, but at the same time he should have known better than to bring stuff like that up on a day like today. Couldn’t he have just held out until later in the week, or hell at least until tomorrow afternoon when he picks me up from work? I’d be stupid to think he would though. He’s so nervous about Justin…anything to do with him, that he really needed to hear me yell at him to go and do what he has to do. Even though I was kind of a bitch, in a small way, I know I reassured him a little bit. And I’m happy for him. I know it’s going to be better for him if he resolves his issues with Justin and Lynn. They really are like family. They always have been.

And despite their welcome, I know I was always an outside party.

It’s nearly nine when we pull up the familiar driveway. Trace shuts off the engine and just sits there for a few minutes, silent…deep in thought. I don’t move. I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I’d like to just get my shit and go inside but I know I can’t do that. I’m concerned for Trace. I don’t want him to walk away from this thinking I hate him. I don’t. It’s just when it comes to Justin, there’s so much to consider, and so much he can’t know about. “You’re my best friend,” I whisper after awhile. “Nothing is ever going to change that Trace, you know?”

He looks over at me. The tired expression on his face is more than obvious, but he smiles for me anyway. “Yeah, I know,” he nods. “I know that Ker.”

More silence continues as we get out of the car and grab my luggage out of the trunk. He won’t allow me to carry anything heavier than my overnight bag and backpack, and I’m immediately reminded of that guy I’ve always known. Trace, ever the gentleman. Trace, the one who always had it together. Trace, the one who was always there, no matter what.

“This is pretty nice,” he says, once we get up on the porch. “Looks like home.”

I have to agree. The porch and the porch swing, along with the stained glass door remind me a lot of the houses back in Shelby Forest. I feel my heart twinge a little bit with emotion. I almost miss it there, but I don’t dwell on it for long. “Yeah,” I say quietly. “I think I’ll be comfortable here.”

“I’m sorry about all the stuff that’s happened over the past couple of weeks. I know a lot of it was my fault, and it confused you. I let myself slip up, you know? I always seem to do that.”

He’s talking about the messing around part of our friendship, that lasted all of an hour. While it did confuse me, the more I think about it, the more I don’t regret it. I think it almost needed to happen, just to get some aggression out of our systems. While I’d never kiss Trace again, or touch him like that again, I don’t regret that it happened anymore either. “I don’t regret what happened,” I tell him. “You shouldn’t either.”

He nods, and shoves his hands in his pockets. “Well I guess…I’ll see you in the morning.” He rocks back on his heels, and I know how insecure he must feel right now. “Right?”

“Yeah.” I can’t say it too loudly, because I feel the ball in my throat growing larger, telling me I’m about to crack. “I’ll be out front at seven thirty or so.”

He pulls me to him then, and hugs me for a long time after that. I return the embrace whole heartedly. It’s times like this that I see that Trace that I’ve always known, and I’m reminded of how much he means to me. “Thank you,” I whisper. “And I’m sorry.”

“Bye.” He kisses my cheek quickly and runs down to his car. He wont let me see his face, and I know that he’s crying pretty hard. I watch as he starts up the car and backs out of the driveway. One honk later he’s vanished from site, and I’m standing alone on the porch. It’s a quiet evening, warm, and so I don’t go inside right away. I sit down on the steps and listen to the crickets chirping. Then I look up at the sky…and I see the stars…

“You’re going to be in so much trouble when they find out you snuck out.”

“Come on,” he laughs heartily as he helps me up the steep incline leading to the top of the hill. “You gotta start living a little Ker. You can’t be a small town girl when you’re on a nation wide tour. People will think you’re too humble. Taking risks is a part of life.”

We sit down side by side on the hill, and for a moment, I can’t reply to his comment because I’m too busy looking out over downtown Los Angeles. I don’t know how he even knew about this place, but I’ll hand it to Justin…

He’s good.

“It’s amazing up here,” I say, like a stupid dork. But he doesn’t make fun of me. He pulls me close to him after a moment, and drapes an arm around my shoulder.

“I hate being apart,” he sighs. “We’re leaving for Germany in four weeks, and I want you there.”

“You know I can’t,” I groan, and look up at him. “Schools starting, and you know my parents didn’t even want me coming out here this summer with you.”

“Yeah but I miss you,” he chides and nudges me a little bit. “I swear to god they’ll never now you’re gone. We’ll put a blow up doll in your bed and say you have malaria.”

“A blow up doll?”

“Yeah, Trace must have one lying around somewhere. It might be midget sized though.”

“That’s mean.” But I can’t help but crack up along with him.

“Look.”

He points up to the sky then, and I stare up along with him. The stars are beautiful tonight, and as I peer at the spot he’s pointing out, I see that comet he was so intent on seeing, floating by. “That’s so cool,” I tell him.

“I wasn’t going to miss it for anything,” he says, triumphantly. “I always miss them…,” He pauses and looks down upon me. “Like I always miss you.”

Then we kissed.

I have to wipe my eyes pretty hard, to make the tears stop. It’s terrible that I’m sitting out here, dwelling on past memories that don’t even matter anymore. Fuck, I was seventeen. Seventeen years old. It’s amazing how I could think I had it all figured out at seventeen. How I knew I was going to be with Justin forever, and that he was always going to love me. Seventeen.

I wish I could be seventeen and naïve again. And I look up at the stars as I think this.

But I know that it’s not going to work. Because wishing on a star is as uncertain as telling somebody you can’t live without them.

You never really know what you mean.

Pouring In From All Sides