scars7

Four hours later I find myself nowhere closer to the comfort and safety of my house than I did when I was first welcomed into the store. Everything is so big and high tech, and I have no patience to sit here and compare the benefits of plasma over LCD. Just give me a fucking TV, that would be great. But I can’t have an attitude like that of course. It seems that the store manager of Best Buy decided to invite all the suits from corporate here today for my visit. I was kind of pissed but I didn’t let it show. I mean, he doesn’t know how fucking unbalanced I am. And I’m sure me being here makes his store look really good. He’s probably got kids to feed and shit, so who am I to deny him that bonus I know he’ll be receiving in his check?

The best part of this whole day was probably the ride down here. It was good to talk to Eric for a little while. I hadn’t realized that I missed him, even though he’d been with me at my dad’s for those few months. I guess I grew more attached to him than I thought…but that’s not a surprise. He’s like the only friend I have, and the sad thing about that is, I pay him to stick around. I know he respects me and my family, but I’m positive he wouldn’t stay around for half of this shit if he wasn’t getting generously compensated. The same thing goes for Melanie. I still have yet to find out how much my mom is paying her, but it’s gotta be a shit load. Otherwise, she’d be long gone by now.

Speaking of Melanie, she’s been acting a little weird today. Not that she’s ever normal…not that we ever get along all that well. But…it’s just this feeling I have. Ever since we got here, she hasn’t looked me in the eye once. Every time I looked over at her, she’d turn around or look up at the ceiling or something. Hell, maybe she’s just nervous about all of this. Yeah, that might be it. But on the other hand, I know how she is, and I guess a good part of me had been expecting her to be by my side today…helping me pick my shit out…

But damn it, she’s not Kerri.

I hate to admit that too, but ever since that night…that I broke that shit, that’s who I’ve been comparing her to. In a way, she’s kind of like Kerri. Well, the Kerri I knew before everything got all fucked up. She’s there when I need her and she gives me advice. But it’s only because she’s obligated to. Kerri wasn’t obligated…she just cared. She cared, and I stopped caring…but she never did. I just…the more I think I about it the more I wish I’d just pushed her away from the beginning. When she came to see me in the clinic I could have just as easily told her to fly back to New York. I could have told her I didn’t need her. Sure, I would have come off like a bastard…but she’d be okay. The accident…me beating the shit out of her…none of that would have happened. Sometimes I think I view Mel as sort of a second chance. Like, if I behave and treat her with some kind of respect I’ll be forgiven for what I did. But I don’t even talk to Kerri so I don’t see how that idea is valid. Fuck, I don’t know. I think having a woman around is turning me into more of a weirdo. But its not like I can talk to anybody about that…because nobody really knows the truth about what happened to Kerri.

And they won’t, unless she decides to say something.

Although, I did promise to explain a few things about myself to Mel later on. Of course I’m kicking myself for it now, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to say. She…I dunno…she seemed to really care about what’s been going on. So I just let it slip, so she’d drop the subject. Of course now, I’m trapped. I’m going to have to tell her something later on or she’ll spring that ‘I’m calling your mother’ routine on me. That’s getting old and lame too. One of these days I’m going to tell her I don’t care what she tells my mother. But that will be a mistake too…because…because if my mother even had an inkling of what’s been happening she’d freak out, pay Madison to come live with us in Tennessee, and lock me in a rubber room until I was ready to rejoin society.

“So what do you think?” The manager guy, Jim, smiles and points to the entertainment center he just pulled together for me on his special computer.

I glance at the screen. I’m sorry to say I haven’t been paying attention to a damn thing for the last twenty minutes or so. There are people milling around this private room now. It’s a mixture of staff and suits who want a photo op with me. Eric warned me about an hour into this that they’d pulled him aside and discussed getting a meeting with me later on. I didn’t want a problem, so I just said I’d do it. Of course I don’t really want to. They’re probably going to want to shake my hand and pat me on the back or something. I’ll cringe. I’ll probably go back home and puke my brains out. But I can’t go back on my word. Fuck…how do I always get roped into this shit?

It must be because I’m such a “nice” guy.

“Yeah, that’s perfect.” I flash him a fake smile and hand him my credit card, just so he’ll get out of my face. I really have no idea what I’m about to purchase, but it’s not like it matters. Nothing really matters anymore. It’s not like I can’t afford it, so whatever.

“Great,” Jim smiles. “I’ll be right back with your bill and stuff. Do you need a drink?”

I’d love a beer. “No I’m good.” I nod. “Thanks.”

Jim smiles again and excitedly hurries off. I take another quick glance at the screen and I finally realize just why it is that he’s so excited. There’s a lot of zeros after that number two. I shake my head. Yeah, I probably should have been paying more attention. I don’t even know what a thermal signal conductor is.

“It’s a good thing you’ve got money.” Melanie, who up until now had disappeared into the store somewhere, sits down beside me with a Soap Opera Digest in hand. She gives me a pathetic look and shakes her head. “Do you even know what you bought?”

I look at the floor. “Of course I do.”

“Hmmph.”

“Well if you’re so damn smart, you tell me what it is then,” I snap, a little regretfully. I don’t look at her after, and I bite down on my bottom lip.

“You can’t let everybody in the world take advantage of you,” she responds as she flips open her magazine. “You’ll be broke in a year.”

I hate that she’s sitting here treating me like I’m some kind of airhead. I mean, I’ve been to this store before, and the people that work here are reliable. Sure, the guy probably stuck a few things on there that I wouldn’t even need in a nuclear holocaust but whatever…if I really had a problem with that I could tell him to start over again. “Nobody took advantage of me,” I grunt. “I wanted a new system, and I got one.”

“Oh yeah?” She drops the magazine on the floor and peers at the computer screen. “You realize you spent six thousand dollars on speakers right?”

I don’t look at her. “So?”

“What do you need six thousand dollar speakers for?”

I feel the rage start to build up inside of me. If it wasn’t for the fact that Eric is standing in earshot of our conversation I probably would have been screaming at her by this point. “I’m entitled,” I reply, smugly. “I know you little people are satisfied with your crappy old hundred dollar speakers, but I can afford the best. So I’ll have the best.”

“What?” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Little people? You’ve lost it.”

“Well stop being a bitch then.”

Now she’s pissed. She’s got that look on her face that she only gets when I say something really fucking stupid. And yes, I admit…now is one of those times. “You’re lucky we’re in public, or I’d totally rip you a new one.”

Before I can think of a snappy comeback, Jim returns with the paperwork. Then Melanie tells me to call her when I‘m really ready to leave, and walks off in a huff. What the hell? I don’t understand that girl. One minute she‘s telling me that I have to try to be better…and the next minute she‘s arguing with me over stupid shit. It‘s like we‘re in high school and she has a crush on me. Of course, I know she doesn’t have a crush on me but still…that’s what all this is reminding me of right now. I sigh and try to focus on the paperwork in front of me. I don’t really read it though, I just sign it in the right places as Jim rambles on about when the delivery guys will come and how long it will take them to set everything up. I barely hear him. All I can think about is how angry Melanie has just made me, and the bullshit I’m going to have to deal with when we get back to my house. Suddenly, I feel like taking my time here. Maybe…I should buy some more shit, just to prolong the fight I know is coming once I get home. I tell Jim I’d like to look at some DVD’s, but Eric overhears me and shakes his head no. I know why. There’s a lot of people in the store, more than my brain has the capacity to take on right now. The last thing Eric needs is for me to have a meltdown in front of them all.

But Jim, ever the salesman, offers an alternative. “I can pull up an inventory list and you can pick from that.”

I shrug. I don’t really feel like look at another list today, or another computer screen. I just wanted to shop, to leisurely walk around. For the first time in a long time, I realize why I’ve never really enjoyed going shopping. “No, I can just set up something another time,” I sigh. “I’m pretty tired anyway.”

He reassures me it’s not a problem, and we continue with the paperwork. Ten minutes later, I find myself being ushered over to the group of execs and staff that were promised a small meeting with me. I smile and shake everybody’s hands, fucking terrified of what might happen the entire time. From time to time I can spot Melanie out of the corner of my eye. She’s standing against the wall, pretending to read her magazine, but I can tell she’s peering over the top of it at me. She wants to see if I’m okay, even though she’d never admit that to me. It makes me feel a little better about the situation, and it also makes me wish I hadn’t been such an asshole to her a few minutes ago.

“Hi.”

I finally look over at her. She’s young, maybe twenty, and she’s staring up at me like she never thought this would ever happen in a million years. I keep my wits about me. I glance over my shoulder to reassure myself that Eric is standing close by, in case I need him. “Hey,” I say, a little relief in my voice. I shake her hand quickly. “How are you?”

She blushes. “I’m okay.”

In that instant I’m once again reminded of Kerri, and I have to close my eyes quickly so the feeling will pass. I somehow manage to smile once I open them again. “Well it’s nice to meet you.” We take the quickest photo I’ve ever taken, and Eric promptly escorts me to the door afterward. I wave a quick good bye to the group and Jim, and he promises me he’ll be in touch about the equipment I purchased. We somehow manage to make it to the car unnoticed. Apparently the Best Buy people were reliable, and didn’t spread the word I was coming. That’s a good thing. I don’t think I could have handled paparazzi today.

I sink back into the leather interior and Melanie slides in next to me. I don’t speak to her. I think I’m too emotionally drained to say anything right now. I just close my eyes and breathe out a side of relief when the car starts up again and we start to move. I can’t wait to get home and hide in my room for the rest of the day. I…I need to dot hat. I need to just be away from everything for awhile. I didn’t realize it up until now, but today…it’s taken a hell of a lot of energy out of me.

“Eric I want to go to an antique store.”

My eyes slowly open. What? I look over at Melanie. She’s still reading that damn magazine, not seeming to care that I might be tired…that I might want to go home. An antique store? What the hell?

“Justin,” Eric speaks up. “You cool with that?”

I open my mouth to blurt out an annoyed ‘no’, but one glance at Melanie tells me I’ll be sorry if I do. She smirks a little as she points to her cell phone. She silently mouths the words ‘hi Lynn’, and I want to smack her across the face. I glare, but it doesn’t seem to phase her. “Whatever,” I mutter to Eric a moment later. “Nothing too far.”

She smiles, delighted that she‘s won this time. With a sigh, I sink back in my seat and try to forget how annoyed I am. Eric drives us to a fancy little strip mall in Bel Air. I recognize the place because my mother always manages to drag me here around Christmas time to buy something for Nana. This past Christmas I was at my fathers, and brooding…so I have no idea what my mom even got for her. Whatever it was, I’m sure she was told it was from the both of us. It’s a really shitty thing, because I’ve always taken extra time to find a nice present for both my grandparents. I guess I just didn’t have the time this year. Actually, the only person I really seemed to have time for…was myself.

“Where to first?” Eric pulls into a parking space and shuts off the engine, before looking back at us.

I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. I‘m not going in, you‘re waiting in the car with me while she goes in.”

I‘m not looking at her, but can feel her eyes making their mark in the side of my face. Yeah I‘m probably pissing her off right now, but I think one store was all my emotions could handle for the day.

“Oh come on, Justin,” Melanie finally says. “You can‘t just sit here. I‘ll probably be a little while.”

It takes everything I have in me to keep my tone in check. “What do you even need?”

“A desk.”

“A desk?” I say, bewildered. “But you have a desk in the guest house.”

She shrugs and shoots me a mischievous smile. “I don’t like that one.”

Eric laughs a little, and I know I should fake it and do the same…but I just can’t. She’s doing this to spite me. It’s because she’s angry about my attitude in the store…because we’re in high school and we play games like this… “Well I don’t need to go in to…”

“We’re all going in,” Eric interrupts me, annoyed. “Damn it Justin, don’t start pulling this shit right now. Her name isn’t Trace.”

That one hurt, and I cringe in response to his comment. I’m sure Melanie noticed, but she’s not saying anything. I don’t think she wants to make this discussion worse, as I’m sure she can tell Eric isn‘t buying the story that our relationship is picture perfect. “I’m sor--”

“Let’s just go.” Eric shoots me a final warning glance before shoving his way out of the car and opening the door for Melanie and I.

For a moment I think that I’ve blown the whole day. Now, Eric is going to step to the side while Mel and I shop…call my mother and tell her that something is going on with me that he doesn’t like. I take a deep breath as we enter the store, its all I can do to hold my emotions and fears inside of me. Having a meltdown right now…I know…would mean total and utter disaster for everyone involved. Once we get inside the store, the sales clerk greets us pleasantly, probably thinking I’ve come to spend a fortune. I smile at her meekly and tell her we just came to look around. She nods and tells me that’s fine, but immediately rushes to the door and locks it so I can ‘shop in privacy for a while’. It makes me want to roll my eyes, but I don’t. I don’t know who she might know around town and I don’t need stories being spread about me, especially now that I don’t get out all that much.

Melanie makes an annoying squealing sound a few moments after the door has been locked for me. I watch her race over to a shelf full of table lamps and roll my eyes. I can tell already that it’s probably a good thing we’re locked away from the public right now, because this is going to take awhile. Just watching Melanie tinker around with the lamps lets me know that this girl is a shopper, and I’m sure before she got landed babysitting my ass she probably used to do a lot more of it. I feel pretty shitty now. I mean, I got my stuff and she should be allowed to look in a store for awhile without getting an attitude from me. Hell…I don’t know. She annoys me and then it’s like I feel bad for letting my aggravation show. I don’t want to be a bastard to her. I guess…I mean, I know…I’m starting to really value her presence. If I keep doing the things I do, I’m bound to lose her. Just like everybody else.

I don’t think I could handle that kind of pain again.

I figure I‘ll be better off if I leave Mel alone fore awhile, so I venture into the back of the store and get lost in a crate of old records. Even though the door is locked, I still make Eric stand behind me…just in case. It’s only because of this that I feel secure of enough to kind of let go of my paranoia for the moment. I clear my head, and I don’t think about anything but the records…the dust, the smell. I remember my grandfathers study back home…the collection of old records and the phonograph in the corner. I think about all the times I would sit in there when I was a kid, listening to some Louis Armstrong with him while he smoked his pipe. It finally hits me. I wish I could go back there for a day or two…just to remember. Just to feel the warm touch of my Nana’s hand on my cheek. Just to smell my grandfathers tobacco and hear him vent about what this country is turning into. So far I haven’t allowed myself to think this way, and now I guess I know why. The smallest sliver of a tear has escaped from my eye and is gliding down my face. I wipe it away, disgusted, and try to concentrate some more on the records. I should…I really should call them, just to let them know I care. But I don’t know what they’ll say. My grandfather is kind of stern when it comes to family obligations. I know he’s probably upset with me, as I didn’t speak to him or Nana on Christmas. But I didn’t talk to anybody on Christmas. I remember laying in my room at my fathers, the door cracked just slightly…I could hear the excited squeals of my brothers as they opened their gifts. I wanted to physically be there with them to see their faces…but the dreams that had kept me up the night before hadn’t allowed me too. I felt like shit…and I deserved to feel that way. Later on, my father had also told me that he was disappointed. I pretty much tuned him out…said I was sorry without much enthusiasm. He just couldn’t understand.

Nobody has ever really understood.

I tremble a little and take a breath, forcing myself to push that all out of my mind. I step back from the records, hoping it was just the smell that was making it all come back to me, but it doesn’t help. I feel the same, so I just go back to the records and pick a few that caught my eye even though I don’t think I have a record player. It doesn’t matter. Maybe I can just sit with them later on in the dark comforts of my room and try to forgive myself for being an asshole. I won’t though…I’ll just cry.

I’m tired.

“Well?”

I look up from the bin to find Melanie standing there, lamp in hand. It’s one of those old fashioned desk lamps, with the golden base and green glass shade. She seems excited about it, so I try to smile a little, even though I couldn’t care less. “It’s fine.”

“Fine?” she looks at me like I’m an idiot. “It’s your house. Didn’t we just have a discussion about not letting people take advantage of you?”

Eric is standing right beside me, and I feel like cracking her across the face for speaking up like this in front of him. I can’t though, so I take a deep breath and flash her a fake smile. “I’m not living in there.” I brush past her and make my way over to a rack full of odd little trinkets that I don’t think anybody would ever want. I pick up a small gold clown statue and try to be interested in it. It doesn’t help things though.

“I’m just saying…I know if it was my house I wouldn’t’ want something I didn’t like in it.”

She’s standing next to me again, and she hasn’t put the lamp down. I groan, letting my real mood out for the first time today. “I’m tired,” I whisper, glancing up at Eric who’s busy speaking to the cashier now. “And it’s not just because I got up early either, Melanie.”

“You acted like a real jerk before,” she tells me softly. “You cant just do that Justin. I know Best Buy was hard but there was no reason to take it out on me.”

I don’t look at her. “I know. But you‘ve had a problem with me since we left this morning. I…it‘s hard for me to be calm when you get sarcastic and moody.” I’m surprised I was able to say all of that so rationally. Actually, I think it’s the most intelligent I’ve sounded when venting my feelings in a really long time. I don’t know how I managed that, but I think…I think its because of her, that she’s so calm. It’s allowing me to mellow out, something I haven’t been able to do since I was in that clinic behind the comforts of Madison’s closed office door. Being with Kerri fucked me up for a long time. I think…I think I was so busy trying to figure her out and figure myself out at the same time that it turned me psycho. The sad thing about that is…all of my aggressions backfired on Kerri. Kerri…the one person I was trying to keep away from harm. Ironic.

It’s silent for awhile. She’s staring at me and I’m staring at the clown, wondering what she’s going to say next.

“I know about the pills,” she whispers, so Eric can’t possibly hear.

I force myself to look at her, at first trying to kid myself into believing I don’t know what she’s talking about. But…but I know what she’s talking about. Yeah, I’ve been dumping my medication, and yeah I fell really shitty about it. I don’t know what would have made me think she wouldn’t have noticed, deep down I knew it would only be a matter of time. But I guess maybe…I wanted her to find out, as crazy as that seems. Maybe I wanted her to find out so I’d have an easier time explaining myself when the truth finally reared its ugly head. I mean, I know I need to take my pills to keep calm and shit. But I can’t take being sick from them all the time…sleeping all the time, not being able to function on my own. I hate taking them. I guess I thought that if I stopped for awhile, I could just force myself to survive…to learn to be myself again without any help. It’s not working. I feel more insecure and terrified every day that passes without taking my medication. It could lead to cutting. It could lead right back to the clinic, I know. I’m just so tired of being controlled. It’s not fucking fair after everything else.

“Justin.” Melanie narrows her eyes at me. “I’m really upset with you.”

I shrug my shoulders, and try to keep the emotion from appearing on my face. “And you should be.”

“I…I don’t know if can keep this from your mom.”

I look at her, the pain apparent on my face now. She looks like she hates herself, and god…its not her fault that I constantly fuck things up for myself. “I understand if you can’t,” I whisper. “I mean hell…” I chuckle a little. “You’ve kept too much from her as it is.” I start past her, that stupid clown statue still in my hand, but then…she tugs at my arm, and I can’t help but turn around to face her again. “Let’s just get this stuff and get out of here,” I mutter. “Did you pick a desk?”

She looks at the floor. “You deserve a chance,” she tells me.

I feel like crying, and I almost start to. “I’ve had too many chances, Mel. It’s getting to the point where I don’t think there’s anything left for me to do, okay?”

“No.” She shakes her head gently and looks up, into my eyes, like she can see right through me. Like she can sense my pain. “You can’t just give up.”

Her eyes are glazed over, she’s practically in tears. It scares me. She’s crying over me. I treat her like complete shit half the time and here she is crying over me because she’s concerned about what I do to myself. There’s something that’s just so fucked up about that, so…crazy. It almost makes me want to crack up, but I can’t because it will lead to a melt down. Melanie barely knows me. She doesn’t know about the shit that happened between me and Kerri or me and Trace….me and Shane. But damn it…right now I think I could sit down right here and tell her it all without any regrets. Of course I know she’d hate me after but fuck, it would feel so damn good to just get it out. “Mel, why…why do you care? I just don’t get it.”

She sucks in her lower lip and takes a breath. “Come on, let me show you the desk and then we’ll get out of here.”

She tugs on my hand, and its weird…but I let her lead me away. It feels good…letting her sort of step in, instead of being so damn defensive. I realize I can let her, that she’ll be here and for whatever reason, she understands why I do what I do. None of it makes sense. Up until now I thought Kerri was the only one who could look at me like that and understand my pain. It’s scaring the shit out of me and I want to run away…but fuck I want to hug her and tell her all of my deepest secrets at the same time. She gives my hand a light squeeze and points to the different desks she saw. I just stand there, silent but attentive. I let her know what I would pick if I was living there. We order the desk, I buy the lamp and the gold clown statue and we go back to the car with Eric. The ride back is mostly silent. Eric doesn’t seem phased much by this afternoon, all he really says is that Melanie should be calling him more often because I need to get out more than twice a month. It gets a light laugh out of me and her, and I feel pretty confident that he wont be calling my mother.

After we get back to the house, Melanie disappears into her house and I go into my living room and sit down. I stare into space for a while wondering what the hell just happened at the store, and what Melanie is going to expect from me now. I’m not so scared as I am anxious. If she’s going to call my mother I wish she would do it as soon as possible, so I can prepare myself. For over an hour I sit, wondering, before I hear the screen door sliding open. She calls my name softly, but I don’t get up to greet her. “In here.”

She’s standing in the doorway now, she has the gold clown statue for me and sits down next to me. I take it from her. “Why’d I buy this?” I toy with it in my hands for a moment, hoping she’ll forget what’s been going on for a little while.

“It’s a lot easier to hide than it is to admit your problems,” she says after awhile. “I don’t want to see you destroy yourself. I know you’re not as bad as you try to make people think you are. I know you’re…you’re just hiding. I don’t want to call up your mom and force you to do things you really don’t want to do. I know I‘m wrong for lying to my boss or whatever, but I think you should have a say in all of this. It‘s not like you‘re a child.”

I look at her, and I have to smile a little bit. She’s so innocent. She doesn’t know how much of a monster I can be…what I’ve done. She thinks ’sure he was kidnapped, he’s just in pain.’ I wish like hell that was all it was. I really do. “There’s no reason to stick your neck out for me. You could lose your job, and it’ll be my fault. The best thing you can do right now is just call her and tell her. If you don’t do it now, I know I’ll just do something next week that’s worse. I just…,” I pause and sigh, knowing it’s too much to tell her but not really caring enough to stop myself either. “I can’t hurt somebody else. I already hurt everybody that’s tried to help me. You’re…you know, you’re a nice girl. You don’t deserve that shit.” I feel the tears now, and I can’t hold them in anymore. I put a hand over my eyes, trying to shield them from her, not that it’s going to help much. “I’m sorry you’ve even had to deal with me this long.”

“You act like you can’t get passed what happened. You give up too easily, Justin. That’s your issue.”

I feel her hand on my shoulder, and I quickly shrug it off. “You don’t know anything about what happened to me, so don’t act like you do.” There I go again, snapping at her when she’s trying to help me. I shouldn’t do that. She doesn’t know about my issues because I haven’t told her anything about what happened. She wouldn’t know how hard it is for me to talk about it. How could she?

“Then maybe you should start talking!,” she yells.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” she tells me, firmly. “Just talk to me, Justin. That’s why I’m here…so you can have somebody to talk to.”

“I’ll try Melanie,” I reassure her with a light smile, and try my best to stay positive. I can’t be turning into a sobbing baby today. It’s bad enough that I treated her like shit all day, and lord knows…being in public together has taken its toll on the both of us.

She gets up from the couch and looks down on me pitifully as if to say ‘man, you really need help.’ I sink lower into the couch and try to focus my mind on something else…like my little golden clown. But then her voice comes into play again, forcing me to pay attention.

“Why are you afraid of going home?” She places her hands on her hips and gives me an impatient look. “It might do you some good, you know. Maybe you need your family more than you realize.”

Hearing her say that really hits home, and I can’t help but let a small sob out. “I want to go see them,” I whisper. “But…I-I just can’t go back there.” I shake my head roughly. “I’d be a wreck the whole time. Nobody understands that. My mother can’t understand even though she should, you know? It’s just because Kerri went back there…” I stop when I realize I’ve let her name slip. I want to crawl into a hole and die. “Just forget it.”

“Oh no.” She shakes her head and shoves me back down onto the couch when I try to get up run away. “You’re not locking yourself upstairs tonight. I’m not having that. Not after this pill thing.”

I stare up at her, a little angry that she’s being so pushy right now. Doesn’t she get it? Doesn’t she understand? “He fucking took us from a shopping center that was five minutes away from my house.” I snap, loudly. That was unintentional but I can’t do anything about it now. “I can’t go back there. I can’t…I can’t let that happen to me again.” I shake my head roughly. “I wont.”

I’m sobbing into my hands now, and I wish I wasn’t, but I can’t help it. I feel her hand on my back, rubbing it in a circular motion. Kerri used to be able to calm me down this way, and strangely enough, I’m calming down with Melanie doing it too.

“I’d be scared to go back too.” She tells me after a minute or so. “They…they shouldn’t hold that against you.”

For the first time, I look up at her and see her as a person who truly understands. She’s not just Melanie the girl who baby-sits me anymore. She’s…a friend. My friend. “Mel.”

“Hey.”

“Mel.” And I grip her hand gently. “If I asked you to promise me something would you?”

She smiles a little bit. “I don’t know, Justin. I’m not really good at making promises.”

“Oh.” I look down at the carpet for a minute. “What if I just asked you then?”

“I can live with that.”

“Please don’t leave me,” I whisper, not caring how psycho it makes me sound.

“Put some effort into this,” she tells me softly. “And I wont have a reason to leave.”

I don’t realize I’m hugging her until I feel her arms around me. I hold her like I used to hold Kerri when I was afraid. And she strokes the back of my neck, reassuring me that I don’t have to be so afraid…that she’ll help me…that she needs me to want to help myself too. And I tell her I’ll do it. That I’ll do anything if she stays, if she doesn’t leave me behind like everybody else. We go into the kitchen after, and she fixes a quick sandwich dinner for the two of us. It’s mostly silent, but after the meal is over I tell her that she’s my friend, and I’m glad that she is.

“I’m not a great friend,” she says once she’s walked me upstairs to my room. “I just know what it’s like to be in pain. And…nobody should have to live that way. I want to help you Justin, but…please don’t think I’m some kind of god send. I have my own issues.”

I’m confused. “What do you mean?”

But she just laughs a little. “Nothing. Just go to bed okay? We have to go to the store tomorrow and refill your prescriptions.”

My eyes widen. “We?”

“Yes, we.” She starts to walk away. “Tomorrow we’re starting all over. It’s a second chance, Justin. A last chance. Don’t fuck it up for yourself.”

She leaves, and I wait until I hear the door open and shut again before shutting myself in for the night. I change into an old tee shirt and sweats, and sit in bed with my journal. I figure writing might do me some good…so when I need to, I can look back on this day. I flip to the back, where the last few blank pages remain. I need to change to a new notebook soon, and I’m not so sure about what I’m going to do with this one. I know Madison would want me to give it to her for safekeeping, but I’m not so sure I want to. I’ve been through a lot with this book. There was a time, when it was the only thing I had to turn to. It’s like a best friend that can’t talk, but knows everything. I smooth my hand over the new page, smile a little bit, and start to write… knowing that this time my entry won’t be so dark like the others.

I don’t really know what to make of anything that’s happened today. All I really know is, I have to put effort in if I want to get my life back, and that there’s a lot more to Melanie than I ever thought. Some of that mystery surrounding her personal life is starting to crumble, just slightly. Although I know she’d never willingly discuss her personal life with me. Aside from that, I do feel relieved, like she’s just taken a huge part of my burden onto her own shoulders. I didn’t think anybody would care after all that’s happened. But she does. And for the first time, I know its not just about her paycheck anymore. She cares. She really does. It’s scary too, part of me wants to hide from her still. But I can’t. Too much has happened…she’s kept too much from the people that are supposed to know. So I owe it to Melanie to try and make things better. It couldn’t’ be that bad, after all. I’m actually kind of looking forward to seeing the fun side of her, and…well, getting to find that part of myself again. Maybe I can even forget about certain people in the process.

People like Kerri.

I pray that I won’t dream tonight. But if I do, I hope Mel is there, holding my hand….

Telling me it’s okay to be afraid.
******************
The first day of work consisted of me sitting next to Tarin for eight hours, lingering on her every word, because as she so bluntly put it ‘I’d be lost unless I listened’. I guess she really must hate the fact that I know Trace so well or something, because I already knew how to do half the shit she described to me. Being an intern involves just a few basic things: answering phones, setting up appointments, making coffee, and standing underneath tents at concerts and charity events…screaming the name of your radio station as loud as you can. While I really wished I could have told her to shut up because I knew what I was doing , I kept my thoughts to myself. I didn’t want Tarin to call Trace up and tell her how much of a bitch I was to her. Because I know I’m not a bitch. High strung maybe. Mistrusting…definently. But not a bitch.

If anybody is a bitch, it’s gotta be Tarin.

I tried asking Trace what his deal with Tarin was at dinner that night. He seemed pretty shocked that I’d bothered to ask him, but he smiled like he was amused by my question. “A friend,” he’d shrugged, shoving a forkful of mac and cheese into his mouth. “Somebody I met awhile ago.”

I’d sat back in my seat. Surprisingly enough, Trace hadn’t taken me anywhere fancy for dinner, as I’d requested. We went to this cute little pizza place out on Sunset. While the area had made me a little uncomfortable, I tried to make the best of it and not let it get to me. After all, the whole point of going out to dinner that night was to relax and celebrate the fact that I’d finally managed to land a job somewhere. “Oh okay.” I’d looked down at my plate of food and started to pick at it with my fork.

“Kerri.”

I’d looked up to see Trace smiling at me from across the table.

“What’s the matter? Was Tarin being a bitch to you today?” He laughed a little as he spoke.

“No,” I’d defended coolly. “I was just asking.”

“You’re sure?”

I’d rolled my eyes. “I’m sure,” I’d snapped.

The topic became nonexistent after that.

Okay…the Tarin thing shouldn’t have gotten to me so much. I don’t even know why it did…or why it still does. She’s just a friend of Trace‘s…she’s not even that intimidating, even though she likes to think she is. I don’t know, its stupid for me to even think like this but…I guess I’ve had Trace to myself for so long that it worries me somebody else is kind of stepping in and making Trace sort of…happy. I mean, just the way his eyes lit up when he told me to ask for Tarin Sommerville was something to see. It’s been forever since I’ve seen that look in Trace’s eyes. And I mean forever. Like when Trace first met Elisha type of forever. Ever since they split up its been all about me, and well…I’ve failed to give Trace the time of day when it comes to his feelings for me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t feel bad now that somebody else has sort of taken an interest in him. Hell, I don’t even know if she has. They’re just old friends. It’s not like they’ve even hung out yet or anything.

But my gut tells me that it’s going to happen soon enough.

I’ve been working at the radio station for two days now, and I can feel the pressure digging into me already. Tarin doesn’t give me a moments peace, and neither does anybody else that works there. I’m bombarded with call lists, breakfast and lunch orders, and other miscellaneous tasks from the moment I walk through the door. It also doesn’t help that David tends to walk by my desk a few times a day, stealing casual glances at my chest area as he says hello. It’s disgusting, and normally I’d say something but at this point I’m just not ready to make a true enemy with the president of the radio station. I’d like to keep my job for a few months, if at all possible, and I also don’t need bad shit getting back to Trace about me.

My leg slows me down too. Of course I’d never tell Trace that, and I’d never admit it to Tarin when she asks what took me so long to go to Starbucks and back. I just tell her there was a line. She seems to buy it, but I don’t know how long it will be before she realizes what the real problem is. It pisses me off, because I really didn’t think my leg was going to slow me down this much. It’s not like I don’t try. I do. I move as fast as I can, but its just not fast enough I guess. I havent been out on an event call yet though. That’ll be the real test. After I do one of those, I’ll be thankful if I even have a job.

All in all though, I do like working there. It fills me with a sense of excitiment I havent felt in a really long time. I feel like I sort of have a purpose now, even though I know most of the other interns there hate my guts. Like the brunette that snapped at me in the hallway that first day. Her name is Amanda and from what I’ve heard, she’s supposed to get Tarins job once she gets promoted to the morning show in the fall. That’s fine and well, but I don’t see what Amanda has against me. I mean, I’m not after Tarins job, or anybody elses. My true goal, is to work there long enough to make a name for myself and then transfer somewhere else…like New York. I know that’s kind of far fetched thinking, considering my anxiety issues and shit…but I think I can do it if I try really hard. I know its what I want to do, and I really need to stop letting things hold me back. Trace was right when he told me they were dead and I needed to move on…

It’s the truth.

But I think I’ve kind of moved past that part of it a little. Sure I still have bad dreams. The visions of what happened in that place will always stay with me I think. But the part about Justin…what happened between us…what he did to me. I think that’s what hurts me more than anything lately. It’s like I’m lost without him but I’m terrified of ever seeing him again. I’ve considered breaking down and telling Trace what really happened that day a million times, but I havent been able to. I guess I just…god, part of me still wants to protect Justin from things. Nobody knows about that night, at least I don’t think, and that’s a little comforting to me. It’s comforting to know that I can still help Justin out a little bit…that he doesn’t have to be reminded about what he did to me so much..

Fuck. It’s no wonder I’m going to see a shrink.

Doctor Thomas Landers was recommended by none other than Madison. Initially, Trace wanted me to go to Madisons for therapy sessions, but I told him there was no way I was going there. I’ve never been comfortable around her, and after everything that had happened with Justin I didn’t want to be focusing on him during times when I would need to be focusing on myself. Thankfully Trace didn’t ask a lot of questions, he just took it upon himself to find somebody else. So here I am. My appointment is at six o’clock and it’s just about that time now. Trace dropped me off here after work, told me he was going to go look at cars down the street. He said he wants to buy a new one. Why? I have no idea. I mean, he just got his car not too long ago. It doesn’t matter I guess. It’s his money and if he wants to squander it that’s his business.

I can’t lie to myself anymore. I’m shaking…I’m nauseated, and I really, really wish I didn’t have to be here right now. The thought of sitting in a room, talking to a stranger about my issues literally scares the hell out of me. I know it’s pretty silly to be afraid of something so mediocre. It’s not like I havent been to a shrink before. When I was a little kid I used to go all the time. But of course when I was a little kid I hadn’t been put through a nightmarish weekend. Talking about it reminds me of it…the sights, the sounds, even the smells. Tonight I’ll dream. Tonight I won’t sleep. And next week I’ll come back here and the same shit will happen again. I don’t know how I’ll be able to function at work. Trace will know I’m a mess. Maybe I can just tell him I’m not ready. Yeah. Trace will understand. He’ll have to…

“Ms. Donovan?”

I look up into the kind face of a middle aged woman with a clip board. I smile back at her meekly and nod. She seems to sense how nervous I am, and flashes me a warm smile as I get out of my seat. “Don’t worry, everybody is nervous their first time. But the doctor is great. I’m sure you’ll feel right at home.”

She opens the office door for me and I quickly slide past her, nodding at her a little bit. Yeah right lady. You don’t know a thing about me. I hate that. I hate when people try to read me and guess how I’m feeling. The only person that was ever allowed to do that with me was Justin. But Justin never guessed…he just knew. Trace tries. I don’t get mad at him for trying either. But anybody else just annoys the shit out of me when they do it. This morning I’d been bent over my desk, trying to decipher Amanda’s shitty handwriting when Tarin had stood over me and placed some more paperwork on my desk. I’d looked up at her, and she’d slurped her coffee and mumbled that she needed the pages typed up in an hour. I barely acknowledged her. As it was, all I could think about was the fact that I had to be at the shrink after work, and it was severly affecting my concentration.

“Try smiling,” she’d said annoyingly. “It’s not so stressful here.”

I really wanted to punch her in the face for trying to guess what was wrong with me, but instead of putting my job in jeopardy I looked up and flashed her the most sarcastic smile I could manage. “Good morning Tarin.”

Then she’d leaned down, and cautiously looked over her shoulder before continuing. “Do you know what Trace is up to tonight?”

I’d given her a cold look. I didn’t know what she was getting at or what she was trying to pull over on me, but I wasn’t having it. “He’s taking me somewhere, and then we’re going to go home and have dinner.”

The smallest smile of inquistion made its way onto her face then, and she said, ever so softly to me. “What’s the deal with you guys anyway?”

I knew I had options here. I hated myself for being so conniving, but I didn’t want Tarin within three feet of Trace if it meant she was going to take his attention away from me. I knew it was fucked up for me to be thinking that way…but I was terrified that he’d suddenly realize that I wasn’t worth all the trouble he goes to, so that I’ll be happy. He’d be with Tarin, he’d be happy…and I’d just be an afterthought. Eventually he’d want me to get out on my own, telling me that it was for my own good. But I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I don’t know what would happen to me. “We’re kind of off and on again,“ I’d blurted out suddenly, not thinking. My face soured slightly as I’d realized what I’d said. I knew if it got back to Trace, he’d be furious. But what else could I do? I was really starting to dislike Tarin, and her obvious advances towards Trace. It was selfish, but in that moment I didn’t really give a shit.

“Oh.”

The look of dissapointment on her face literally made my entire day. I had to bite my lip really hard to prevent the gleeful smile from spreading across my face.

“Well are you ‘off’ now?”

It was really sad that I was getting that much joy out of somebody else’s misery. I knew then, exactly how Nathan had felt when he held that gun to my head that day. It made me shudder. It made the joy inside of me quickly retreat to the place it had come from. Even so, I didn’t want to admit what I knew was the truth. That really, I loved Trace, but I just couldn’t’ bring myself to be with him that way. Could I? Absolutely. But I was terrified of even trying. “Not really,” I’d lied quickly. “We’re just trying to figure ourselves out.”

“Oh. So…you‘re dating him?”

Then I did something really stupid. “I guess you could say that.”

After that, she didn’t talk to me much for the rest of the day, except to reiterate some sort of work task that she’d given me. The tiniest part of me was worried that everything I’d told her was going to come right back and slap me in the face, but I tried to drive the feeling away. Yea, I knew what would happen if what I’d said got back to Trace. He’d be angry. He’d want to know why I’d want to stand in the way of a girl that obviously liked him more than a friend, because it was apparent that I didn’t as far as he knew. But the other part of me, the part that usually disregarded all sense of logic, was telling me not to worry. That Tarin didn’t care enough to bring up what I’d said to Trace. I went about my work for the rest of the day as if nothing phased me, and when I met Trace out front I tried to pretend that I was ready to face my new shrink with an open mind. Tarin had exited the building shortly there after, while we were still sitting there. Trace had beeped and waved at her, but she’d barely acknowledged us. My heart literally jumped in my throat. I thought Trace was going to start asking questions. I was silently wishing I could go back to the morning and take back everything I’d said.

But Trace had just shrugged, sighed, and looked at me. “Ready?”

“Oh, yeah.” I was shocked that I’d gotten out of that so easily, although something told me that the worst was yet to come. Especially when we’d pulled up here, and Trace asked me if everything seemed okay with Tarin today. I gave him a half assed answer. Like, that I hadn’t really talked to her that much. I figured denial was the best road to take, even though secretly…I knew I’d dug myself into a nice deep hole that I wasn’t going to be able to get out of easily.

I guess waiting this out is my best option. Either that or seducing Trace so my lies can be real. But yea, I don’t see how I could do that. No way.

“How are you Kerri?”

I didn’t realize I was sitting here, or for how long. This whole thing has been plaguing my thoughts more than I thought, for a good part of the day. Now that I’ve snapped out of it, I realize that my new brain doctor is sitting before me, leg casually resting on top of his other thigh, clipboard in hand. Now, more than ever, I realize how entirely uninterested I am in this whole process. I’m not in the mood to talk about anything right now. And I know that if he tries to push me, I’m going to turn into a person rarely seen unless pushed to the limit. “Fine, I guess.” I don’t look him directly in the eye when I say the words. I focus my attention on the blandly colored wall paper, trying as hard as I can to make it seem more interesting than it is.

“Since this is our first session, I’ll leave the topic of discussion up to you. Whatever you feel like talking about today, just go ahead and start talking. It doesn’t matter what the subject it, or how relivant it is to your case. I want you to know that you can talk about anything you feel the need to while youre here. Is that okay with you?”

I finally look at the guy. He’s typical. Middle aged, graying hair and glasses. He looks like somebody’s father, and by glancing at the ring on his finger I’m sure he is. Or maybe the ring is just a ploy to get me to trust him. It’s possible. I know these people do shit like that sometimes, because they can’t make us trust them on their own. It’s pathetic. This is so damn pathetic, and I want to leave.

“Kerri.”

I’m shaking, and I know he can tell how nervous I am. “Yeah.”

“Maybe I’m overstepping my bounds, and you can tell me if I am. I spoke with Madison Powers before I took your case. She seems to know quite a lot about you, and she said you have issues talking to people outside of your tight knit group of friends….”

As I’ve said before, I can’t stand that woman. “Do you really need to bring her into this? That’s not why I’m here.”

He sits back a little bit, a small smile making itself apparent on his lips. “Tell me why you’re here today, Kerri.”

I roll my eyes. “Because I have to be.”

“Nobody is forcing you to be here,” he tells me gently. “You’re obviously here because you need help dealing with your problems, and you’ve accepted that. If you’ll let me, I’d like to be the one to help you deal with them.”

I don’t even realize how mad I’ve become until I hear myself yell at this man like he were Trace or…Justin. God…Justin. I wish I could yell at him. Tell him how fucked up he’s made me. “You can’t help me,” I snap. “You don’t even know what it’s like, being me.”

He’s silent. He scribbles something on his notepad quickly, and then meets my gaze again. “What is it that you’ve gone through Kerri?”

I laugh at him. “I’m not a stupid child. I was kidnapped. I’m tired of being treated like I’m some sort of moron because of that.”

He nods. “I understand the intial part of it. The thing that provoked how you act right now isn’t what I’m getting at though. I need to know about you. I need you to open up and describe how you feel, what kind of pain lurks inside of you. It’s the only way that you’ll be able to move on and handle your problems the proper way.”

If I hadn’t promised Trace I’d try this shrink thing out, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’m tempted to leave. I don’t need this guy to sit here and tell me how I feel and why I feel that way. I don’t need him telling me to ‘find my inner child’ and all that other bullshit. Justin needed a shrink. I understand that perfectly well. He needed one, he got one…and fuck look what happened. He just got worse in the end. Maybe it was because of all this shit. Maybe it was because he had to constantly be reminded of it all. I need to get out, I realize. This isn’t the place for me, and it never will be. Hey, I tried right? Trace can’t get mad at me for that. “I…this isn’t right,” I tell him softly. “I can’t do this. I can’t be here.”

He sits up slightly. “But you can, Kerri. You have to. It‘s the only way…”

I shake my head and hold up a hand to silence him. “Sorry to waste your time today. It’s just not the right time for me, not now. Thanks anyway.”

He doesn’t try to stop me when I walk out the door. I close it behind me and lean against the wall for a moment, feeling like a complete and total failure. I realize that I’ve stopped shaking though, so I guess that’s a positive thing. But the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is worse than ever. I know how disappointed Trace is going to be when I tell him that I can’t go through with this right now. And fuck, when he finds out what I told Tarin, which I’m sure he will…I don’t know what he’ll do. Freak out? Probably. But hopefully I can survive it all and still be able to live under his roof for a little longer.

I take the elevator down to the lobby, and when the doors open I just stand there and stare out into the bustling hallway. It’s a large office building, so there are all kinds of people running here and there, rushing to get home for the day. I finally get the common sense to get out of the elevator before the doors close again, and step out. I continue to stand and stare, not really knowing what my next move should be. Trace doesn’t think I’m going to be out of here for another forty minutes, and I’m too scared to walk the five or so blocks to the car dealership, for fear I might meet a stranger who will try to hurt me. I look out the glass doorway, and I see a Borders across the street. I smile a little. That’s pretty safe. Just across the street. If I run, I can probably avoid any kind of danger coming from the streets of Los Angeles. I make a run for it, probably getting a few weird stares as I do so…but I don’t care. Once I’m safely inside the comforts of the bookstore I breathe out a long sigh of relief. Then I find a self help book and sit down on one of the plush chairs in the corner. I try to concentrate, but I find that it’s hard. I really think that if I hadn’t been so stupid at work today, I would have been just fine in that shrinks office. I realize now that I’ve been a lot more stressed about it than I cared to admit. I mean, how stupid was that? I’ve never dated Trace, but I was just fine about lying to Tarin about it so I can continue to keep him to myself.

Shit, what the hell is wrong with me?

“Easy Recovery, huh? I read that book back in my sophomore year, when I failed a really big final exam. It sort of helped I guess.”

I slowly lower the book away from my face, annoyed that I’ve been interrupted. “What…” I stop before I can say anything else. The fact that Cooper is standing there, smiling at me, makes me want to vomit all over this carpet. I have to blink once or twice, just to make sure I’m not imagining him standing there, and I find that I‘m not hallucinating.

“Hey Kerri. I saw you running across the street like some kind of crazy person.” He flashes me that charming smile that I’ve always liked. “We have plenty of copies of that book, if…if that’s what you were worried about,” he chuckles nervously.

“What…what are you doing here?” I’m literally in shock right now. Of all the days…of all the bookstores, and of all the people I could run into, it has to be Cooper. Cooper, the guy who drove me back to my hotel in New York when I was entirely too intoxicated. Cooper, who flew all the way from New York to Los Angeles for my birthday, just to bear witness to one of Justin’s pathetic meltdowns. Cooper…who I told to go home, hoping he’d forget all about me, so he wouldn’t’ have to put up with the bullshit in my life.

He laughs a little bit. “I work here part time.” He points to the tiny name badge on his plaid button down shirt. “You know, helps with the bills and stuff.”

“But…” I shake my head, as if what he’s saying couldn’t possibly be true. “But you live in New York. It’s the middle of the semester Cooper.”

He shrugs. “Some stuff came up and I had to transfer back to UCLA. It sucks. I really liked living out there so close to Scott. But hey, you know, I’ll manage.” He smiles at me warmly, and shoves his hands in his pockets. “But how have you been? It’s…you know, it’s good to see you.”

He’s always been a nice guy, even though I’ve only met him a couple of times. I know if things had been much, much different…if I’d stayed in New York and told Justin he could handle his issues by himself, we probably would have started dating. Siobhan would have made sure of that. Looking at him now, I feel really bad that I was so indisposed the few times that we did get to hang out a little bit. I wish I could have gotten to know him a little more. It would have been a nice change of pace. “Well I…” I have to pause for a moment to figure out how I should answer his question. I’ve been fucking horrible, and that’s the truth. But I feel really bad admitting that to him.

“Sio said you were in a car accident,” he says quickly. “I’m glad to see that you’re okay though.”

I’m kind of surprised Siobhan would have even told him. I haven’t spoken to her in months, and actually, I don’t’ blame her for it. Hearing that she actually thought enough to inform Cooper of my misfortune though, kind of makes me happy. It means that she hasn’t truly forgotten me, and that she doesn’t’ hate me…completely anyway. “Yeah it was really random,” I lie. “I have a little bit of a limp, but you know…nothing that can’t be fixed in time.” I find myself flashing him a fake, cheesey smile that I’m sure he can see right through, but I don’t care. It’s better than the truth. If he knew the truth I think he’d run away screaming.

Cooper to your register please.

We both laugh nervously. His face is a little red, and I know he’s blushing. It’s really cute, and yeah if I wasn’t so fucked up I’d probably be blushing right back. “Your cue I guess,” I say.

“Yeah.” He rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh. “Well, let me just give you my number before I go back to the field.” He chuckles a little bit and hastily scribbles his number down on a notepad he’d been keeping in his back pocket. “Just call me…you know, whenever your free. We could get lunch or something.”

I take the paper from him, and fold it in half. “Yeah,” I smile. “I’d like that.”

“Bye.” He flashes me a pleased little smile before rushing off to his register.

I sit for awhile, pretending to read the book, but really wondering what the hell Cooper would want to do with somebody like me. I wonder why he had to transfer back here. I guess if I hadn’t been a dumbass and gotten to know him, I’d know the reason why. I should be nice and give him a call so we can talk a little more, but I know I won’t. For one, I’m entirely too nervous to be out in public by myself. In fact, I don’t know how I’m even pulling off this Boders visit without having a breakdown. Another thing is…I know Trace has something against the guy. I don’t know why really, probably because he’s an outsider that was trying to ‘butt in’. But I mean, its really none of Trace’s business anyway. He has Tarin now. Oh god…here I go. I need to leave. It’s almost time anyway. Trace will worry if I’m late.

I quickly leave the bookstore and a few minutes later I find Trace parked exactly where he said he’d be. He doesn’t seem to notice that I’ve come in a different direction than the psychiatrist’s office, and for a moment I think I‘ve outsmarted him. But when I get in the car and smile at him, he barely looks at me, and I know something is up. My first thought is Tarin…she must have gotten to him and told him what I said. I frantically scan my mind for an excuse, but I realize I’m not going to come up with a good one. I’m a fucking idiot, and I’ll have to live with the consequences of my actions. The whole thing is my fault…I can’t be selfish about it.

“If you weren’t fucking ready to go you should have just told me.” He shakes his head in disgust and starts up the car.

I sit in silence. Well, I never thought of that. I guess the doctor must have called him or something. What a fucking snitch. I mean, I was going to tell Trace about this. It would be stupid to keep it from him. “Trace, I…”

“I’m sick and tired of this, Ker.” He drums his fingers on the top of the dash and shakes his head in anger. “You say you want to help yourself, then you do the opposite. I feel like this whole self help thing is a fucking joke to you.”

We stop at a red light, and I don’t say anything. I don’t really know what I can say. Nothing I could come up with right now would make this situation okay…and I know that. So I just stare ahead, praying that the light will change soon…praying that we’ll get home fast so I can shut myself away and think of a solution to this mess.

He pounds his fist on the steering wheel. “Is it? Is it a fucking joke!”

He screams at me and I cringe. Never…never in my life has he ever yelled at me like that. I look over at him, my eyes wide. I can feel the color leave my face. “I…”

“Just forget it.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of hearing you bitch and moan about your problems and how you want to be happy, and then not doing anything to help yourself. It’s a waste of my time Kerri. I’ve done a lot and I can’t hold your fucking hand anymore.”

“I never said you had to bend over backwards for me,” I say, through clenched teeth. I’m not crying, and I refuse to start. I’m not going to let him scream at me…make me feel like shit, and cry. Trace has never been the type to make me feel this way, and right now he’s acting like Justin used to. It’s not really scaring me as much as it’s infuriating me. “You did that on your own, Trace!”

“Yeah, and where the fuck has it gotten me?,” he mutters. “Stressed out and alone, that’s about it.”

I look out the window. “Sorry I ruined your life.” I mutter.

“Don’t start with that shit now.”

I don’t know where this is all coming from. Sure, I understand he’s upset that I ditched the shrink today, but something like that normally wouldn’t put Trace in this foul of a mood. Something is on his mind and he’s taking it out on me. Maybe it’s because Tarin ignored him after work? In that case, yeah it’s my fault too but…but I’m not admitting to anything unless he points out that the Tarin thing is what’s bothering him “What the hell do you want me to say then?,” I grunt. “I didn’t like the guy, he brought up Madison and started to analyze me so I got pissed and left. He…he wasn’t the right person, Trace. You don’t have to scream at me like I’m some kind of an idiot. I know what I‘m doing.”

“Oh you do? Right… that’s why you’re living here with me.”

I open my mouth to respond, but I don’t feel like yelling again. So I sit back. I wait for him to continue on with his put downs, but all he does is sigh. He doesn’t say anything else the rest of the car ride back home. When we pull into the driveway I’m ready to collapse in a fit of angry tears, but I don’t. I’m not about to do it front of him. I’m going to let him think what he wants about me, not let his mood change because I’ve started crying. I get out of the car once he shuts the engine off, slamming the door behind me. I storm angrily up the stairs to the condo door, and groan when I realize I don’t have my keys on me. It means I have to wait for him to get up here, and I really don’t want to. I just want to hide.

Hide like I hide from everything.

He finally gets up the stairs, still looking as pissed off as he did when I first got into the car, and he opens the door for me. I go in, grab a soda from the fridge and make a bee line for my bedroom. But he’s too quick. He blocks my path to the door way and stares at me. “Just get out of my way, Trace.”

He crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at me. “No.”

I moan pathetically. “Do you want me to have a breakdown in front of you? Will that make you feel good? Tough? What? Because I don’t know Trace. You wanted me to go to the shrink, I didn’t want to go but I fucking tried. At least I tried.” I have to pause so I can wipe the now-forming tears out of my eyes. “So stop treating me like I’m a horrible person. You were on cloud nine this morning so just…just go back to being that way. Don’t worry about me.”

“I worry about you…every day,” he says, his tone much more rational now. Like the one I’m used to. “I know we talked about this, I know we agreed that I was going to do for myself. And I…I’ve been trying to. You know, I’ve been talking to other people…friends I cut off, and doing things while you’ve been at work. I’m doing my part Kerri. It pisses me off that you’re not doing yours…after everything.” He looks up at the ceiling, probably tring to keep his emotions in check. “I just don’t know Ker. Maybe I should just let you…just be.”

“Maybe you should,”I whisper. I know this is what he wants. He wants an escape. He wants to be with his friends, start new relationships. He wants to talk to Tarin…be with her, he wants her to help him forget all about me. And that’s fine. I want him to be happy. “I want you to be--happy.” I nod. “You need to be happy.”

“I’d be happy if you’d try a little harder.”

“It’s only been a few days. I’m doing the best I can,” I tell him softly. “But screaming at me like you did before isn’t going to make me do it any faster. I…I can’t believe you did that.” I shake my head and try to get past him to the door, but he pushes me back a little bit. “Trace, stop it.”

“You’re not running away from me. And when you do something this moronic I think I have every right to get angry. I’m not Justin. I’m not going to slap you across the face when I get frustrated,” he grunts.

I can tell he used that to get a rise out of me because he’s angry. He’s probably expecting me to snap. To ask him how the hell he could bring Justins’ name up. But I don’t care. The one thing I’ve been promising myself lately, is that I’m not going to let the mention of Justin Timberlake send me to the brink of my sanity anymore. He’s just a guy. He hurt me but…it’s over. I’m moving on. No, not the way Trace wants me to, but I’m moving on. “What? Was that supposed to be the big drop, Trace? Oh, you brought up Justin so now I’m supposed to get upset and cower? It doesn’t work that way anymore.”

“Then you wont care when I go to lunch with Lynn next week.”

He says it so fast that I barely have time to catch my breath. I stare at him for a minute, knowing…just knowing that this is part of the reason he’s so on edge. Sure, the shrink thing really set him off, I know that. But this Lynn thing I think has come as a shock to him. His ‘friends that he cut off’ as he put it, must have something to do with Lynn. I wonder how long he’s had this lunch date set…how long he’s been going over how he was going to tell me about it. “That’s what this is all about then,” I nod.

He shrugs. “It’s not the whole reason.”

I suck in a deep breath. “But it’s a big part of it.”

“There’s stuff going on and I need to find out about it,” he tells me. “I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Well you went psycho.” I glare at him. “Good job.”

“It pisses me off that I still give a crap about him,” he tells me after a while. “I don’t want to.”

I nod. “But you do.”

He wont look at me now. “Yeah.”

“Well if it constitutes,” I say, shoving him aside so I can finally open the door to my bedroom. “I couldn’t’ care less if you guys became friends again.” I don’t mean it. It fucking bugs the shit out of me that he would bring this up now. I could almost make this into an entirely new argument, but I wont. I don’t want him to know how I feel about Justin. I don’t want to give him any kind of hint as to what happened the last time Justin and I spoke. That’s private. And I know Trace needs Justin and Lynn and all of those people in his life. He just…does. No matter what Justin does or says to him, Trace will always have a bond with him. Always. “It’s your life.”

“I promise I won’t let him near you. I know he hurt you,” he says softly. “He hurt you worse than he hurt me.”

You have no idea. “I’m over it. I don’t have to see him, Trace, and I know you wont just casually bring him by here.. You need him. I can respect that.”

He scoffs. “I don’t need him. I’m just concerned.”

“Okay.” I’m really done with this conversation, and I let him know that by walking into the bedroom and trying to close the door. He blocks it with his foot though. I groan. “I need to change.”

“I don’t need him, Kerri.” He tells me, with more force. “It’s just Lynn I’m going to see, anyway.”

“And I said okay!,” I exclaim. “Drop it Trace. It’s not a big deal.”

“Fine, then.”

He lets me close the door this time, and at first I sit on my bed for awhile. I put my head in my hands, my head is pounding…but after awhile it stops. I can sit up now. I was crying too, but I quickly wipe my face off and get up from the bed. I change, brush my hair out a little bit. I make sure to retrieve the number Cooper gave me from my purse and tack it to my bulletin board. I know I probably wont call him, but its still nice to know that he’s around if I really need somebody. Why would I need somebody? Well…for whatever reason I don’t think Trace is going to be as dependable as he has been in the past. It’s more than obvious now that he’s itching to move on…settle old ties. And I’m not buying this shit that his vist with Lynn is strictly about seeing her, or because he‘s ‘concerned‘. It’s going to lead to a visit with Justin. And it will be a cold day in hell before I allow him to set a foot near me with Justin in tow. I feel like I should get out while I still can. But..I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back to my parents, they drive me fucking crazy. I could try to call Sio but I think she’d laugh in my face before she’d ever let me come back and live with her in New York. I’m basically out of options…except to go and live on my own. I can’t do it. I’m too scared.

So I’ll put up with this, until Trace decides to throw me out.

About an hour later a knock comes to the door. I listen for a moment, waiting for Trace to speak the first words. I half expect him to say he’s sorry or something, and when he doesn’t, I’m a little bit surprised.

“Dinner?”

“Yeah,” I say, slowly. “Be right out.”

We eat in silence, in the kitchen tonight rather than our usual spot in front of the tv. He didn’t cook, just made some Ellio’s pizzas. I don’t really care. I can barely stomach them as it is, I’m so uncomfortable around him at the moment. I’d take my dinner in my room but I don’t want to make him more angry or more upset than he already is. I just…try not to look at him , and eat as quickly and efficiently as I can.

“I’m sorry that I yelled at you,” he says, as he clears the table for us.

I shrug. “I’m not worried about it. You shouldn’t be either.”

He nods a little. “C’mere.”

Reluctantly, I get up from the table and shuffle over to where he’s standing. He hugs me, and I force myself to return the embrace. I don’t want to, I want to go to bed and forget about all of this. But I would feel horrible not letting Trace have his few moments of comfort. “It’s okay,” I reassure him, when he lets me lean back a little bit so he can look at me. “Everything is okay.”

He touches my face, and I think…I think about how much he cares about me. How good he’d be to me if I’d just let him have his way. I think about Tarin, how much I know she likes him, and how hurt she looked today when I told her that Trace and I were dating. The whole thing is fucked up, and if she knew how wrapped up Trace was in me, I’m sure she wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I look at him…wonder how such an awesome guy got mixed up in my crazy fucking life. I think back to when we were kids, how I’d always come to him with my concerns when Justin was too busy or too caught up with Britney to care. He was always there….always. It didn’t matter what he had going on…who he was dating. He dropped everything for me. And I stand here half the time and act like he just started acting this way when the accident happened.

I’m just too selfish to realize he’s always cared this much. And he always will.

“You know I love you,” he whispers. “I couldn’t take it if something happened and we didn’t talk anymore.”

I shake my head. “That wouldn’t happen,” I whisper.

“No?”

He’s leaning in closer to me now, looking deep into my eyes like he’s done so many times since we’ve been living here together. I never allowed it to affect me before, but it is now. I know its because of Tarin…because I don’t want her to take him away from me. I know its because of today, because I fucked up with the shrink and I hurt Trace. I never mean to hurt him. “Never.”

We stand there for a while longer, just staring at each other. And then…I kiss him. I don’t know why, all I know is that he doesn’t stop me. He kisses me back, deep…slow. He’s been waiting for the moment, for the right opportunity. I need to stop, I know I do. I don’t even know why I allowed myself to slip this far, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop because it actually feels right to kiss him.

“Ker.” He finally pulls back, out of breath. His eyes are wide and full of confusion. “What…what happened?”

I step back. “I dunno.”

We stare at each other for what seems like years, neither one moving, neither one knowing what to do…think, or say.

“C’mere.”

“Trace…”

He sweeps me up in another kiss. The sensation I feel is the same one I felt when Justin first kissed me that night the power went out. I’m hungrier this time though. I really, truly want it this time. Or maybe…maybe I just want to want it this bad, because I need him to be here for me. I don’t know.

But I can’t stop kissing him.

We end up in his bedroom. How we got here, I don’t know. I’m blind and numb to my surrounding. It’s so dangerous, but it’s too late to stop now. I feel him pulling my clothes off and kissing me in places I swore he’d never see. Places only Justin has ever been allowed to see. Soon he’s naked too, and I don’t think about the fact that I’ve never imagined Trace and I would be in this situation. I only think about how all of our fighting has literally been a bunch of built up sexual tension that’s finally being released. I kiss him hard, and let him push me down onto the bed. He laughs a little and crawls on top of me, before catching my lips in another long kiss. The room is deadly silent, the sound of a barking dog a few apartments over being the only exception. He’s so warm, and I wrap my legs around him, ready for what I know is coming. I look him in the eyes, but he’s not looking at me anymore. He’s sort of staring right past me. “Trace,” I whisper.

After a minute or two, he finally looks at me again. This time his eyes are sad, like he knows what we‘re doing is wrong…that it‘s a mistake. “Kerri we can‘t.”

“What?”

He backs off and shifts himself onto the empty space beside me on the bed. He looks upset with himself. Even…angry. I of course, am absolutely mortified, and quickly yank the blanket over myself. I’m so confused. Isn’t this what he wanted? Wasn’t he the one who wanted me? The one who loved me?

“Why?,” I croak.

“It wont work,” he says, grabbing the flat sheet to throw around himself. He gets up and stumbles around, searching for some of his clothes. He grabs his boxers, that had somehow landed on top of the lampshade, and yanks them on. He lets the sheet drop then, and runs his hands through his hair. “It can’t.”

It’s unbelievable that he would be the one to stop all of this. I must digust him…or maybe he likes somebody else. “You were the one…”

“I know.” He climbs back onto the bed and touches my face gently. “But this isn’t right.”

I turn my face away. “There’s somebody else,” I say. “Just tell me.”

“Kerri you never wanted me before,” he says seriously. “Now all of a sudden we’re gonna fuck? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe…I was just scared before,” I lie.

“No,” he says, the regret in his voice apparent now. “You know that’s not true.”

I cry. I’m just so confused, and I don’t know what else to do. I feel like a complete asshole. I was just about to have sex with Trace. Trace, my best friend. He could have finally gotten his way after months of perusing me…telling me how much he loves me. He could have had his way tonight, tomorrow, or whenever else he wanted. I think he knows that too. But he stopped me…he stopped himself.

Justin could never seem to do either.

“Come on.” He says gently, pulling me to him. “You know you’re not ready. And I’m not the guy.”

“I’m sorry.” I cry into his chest. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything,” he says, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “I’m the idiot that didn’t stop you.”

Then I look up at him, and I say something I never thought I would. “I’m so scared I’m going to lose you.”

He stares at me, dumbfounded. I don’t think he thought I was concerned about that, or that I’d bring it up if I was. He opens his mouth to say something, but then he shuts it again. I don’t think he knows how to respond. Of course he wants to tell me that I’m not going to lose him, but at the same time I think he knows that I can’t stay here with him for the rest of my life.

“I’d never leave you. Why would you ever think that?” He shakes his head and strokes my hair. “What’s the matter, Ker? What aren’t you telling me?”

I want to tell him so bad, but I just can’t do it. I don’t know what the consequences would be, and I know…I know that if I did tell him I’d want Justin to be here. It would probably be hard having him here too…but at the same time I know it would only be fair. “Tarin likes you,” I finally say, deeming it the only worthy subject to bring up. “She really does.”

He stares at me for awhile, the smallest fragment of a smile appearing on his face. “That’s what’s got you scared?”

I shrug.

“Ker, just because I start talking to a girl doesn’t mean I’m going to start ignoring you. Come on huh…how well do you know me?” He laughs a little bit. “I mean, it’s like you said right? I need to start doing for myself, and…I took that step you know? I‘m trying. You‘re the one who‘s going in reverse.” He frowns. “You need to look in the mirror when you say some of this shit to me.”

I’m an idiot. “I did say that.” So he is talking to her. He basically just admitted that to me. Fuck. I should be happy for him, but I can’t be. I just did things with him…I could deal with us being together, I know I could. Now he’s the one that doesn’t want me. I’m so tired of this. I’m better off just going in my room and never coming out again. “I’m proud of you, Trace.”

“You’re lying.”

I pull away from him completely, and turn my back towards him. “What do you want me to say? Look at what happened. This isn’t exactly the ideal situation to have this kind of conversation.”

“Do you see me laying here?,” he snaps. “Do you not think I’m fucking confused, girl? Fuck… you’re so beautiful, Ker. A month ago I would have just gone ahead and had sex with you. But now I can’t. I just can’t. I know…I know what Justin put you through with the sex and shit. You’re not really into me, Ker. I think you just needed this. I think we both did. But that doesn’t mean its right.”

“Sexual tension,” I mutter.

And he laughs. “Right.”

I finally force myself to look at him. He’s still staring at me, amazed. I know he thinks I’m beautiful. It gives me that little boost of confidence I haven’t had in a really long time. “Trace?” I say, when his gaze falls distant.

“We can’t do this again,” he warns me after a moment. “I don’t think I could stop myself next time.”

“What if I want to be with you,” I persist. “Doesn’t that count…”

“You don’t wanna be with me,” he interrupts. “I’m not a fucking idiot, Kerrigan. You’re not ready to be with anybody, and we’d ruin our friendship besides. I don’t want us to end up like you and…well, Justin.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah.” I give up. It doesn’t even matter now. This whole situation is fucked up and what I really need to do is get my damn clothes on and forget this even happened. I’ll go to bed and wake up tomorrow and let life go on as normal. Nobody has to know about this, and nobody will. Trace can talk to who he wants to, I’ll work…I’ll do the best I can, and hopefully I’ll be able to reestablish a life for myself. As for Trace and I…we’ll always be friends, but from this moment on things are going to be very, very different. For the better? I don’t know. But I sure as hell hope so. “I’m going to get dressed.”

He throws me the flat sheet. “You’re okay?”

I wrap the sheet around myself and get out of the bed. “I’ll be okay.” I leave the room, and when he doesn’t follow me like I thought he would, I start to get angry inside. Was that it? Did he just want a taste, like Justin did a few years ago? Now that he got it, is he going to be a little less caring when it comes to me? No…he wouldn’t. But I don’t know what else to think. I just feel like crying, and that’s exactly what I do when I go into my room. I don’t let him hear me. I cry into a pillow until I’m too drained to do it anymore. Then I just fall asleep, hoping…praying, that tomorrow will be a fresh start. Maybe even an escape to a better life.

But just like everything else, I know it’s not going to be that easy.

I was just naked in a bed with my best friend. What the hell is going on? Am I that lonely? That desperate for attention?

Apparently.