atr27

November- Los Angeles

A month has passed since I had my last drink. It’s not so hard to control my urges anymore. Actually, work has kept me so busy these last couple of weeks, I’ve barely had the chance to sit down for more than five minutes, let alone consume an alcoholic beverage. The tour has been crazy, the backstage work has been grueling, and Justin’s schedule can’t be described as anything other than a round the clock chaotic mess. All of that combined together hasn’t allowed me time to dwell on things, remember a lot of the horrible things that happened to me. There’s no time to party either, but I’m sure it’s better this way. Justin still won’t, and while he’s told me time and time again that I should go out with his dancers and crew to have some fun, I just don’t see the reason. I’ve found that any kind of downtime is precious downtime, and I’d much rather spend it with Justin, even if our evenings aren’t all that exciting. It’s for the best that I’m cooped up as much as I am, I keep telling myself that. I have to. Especially when everybody working on this tour goes out to party after a show, and Justin and I stay behind in the dullness of our hotel room. We’re different…I know that. It’s not just because he’s Justin Timberlake either. It’s a matter of trust…and neither of us are ready to trust the rest of the world yet. We tried awhile back, and found that we couldn’t even make it through a quiet dinner without looking over our shoulders and freaking out over every little thing. But, I think it makes Justin happy to know that I don’t really mind being cooped up with him all the time, so I guess in a way we both win.

Things have been a little off with Justin these past couple of weeks. While I know he’s still happy to be around me all the time, there’s something about him that’s changed. We still talk of course…it seems like it’s all we do. The thing is…he’s not so hands on with me lately, he doesn’t want to have sex. Of course sex isn’t the most important thing, and I guess I should know better than anybody how hard it was for Justin to start being physical with a woman again. It’s just strange is all. Until recently, he was really into it…the sex, and into me. He couldn’t’ keep his hands off of me, and well…of course I enjoyed that. But now, getting him into bed is like pulling teeth. I mean, he’ll lay with me and everything…and he’ll kiss me and hold me. But the very mention of taking the next step seems to turn him off to the entire situation. He’ll yawn, tell me that he’s tired, and then he’ll turn over and go to sleep. It’s been going on this way for a good three weeks now, and even though I shouldn’t be taking it personally…while I know that Justin is still battling with a lot more than he lets on, I can’ t help but be a little hurt. I love him, and he’s supposed to love me.

I can’t help but think that I don’t rank as high with him as I did in the beginning of our relationship.

I want to confront him. I want to ask him what it is that I’m doing wrong, or…if there’s something on his mind that he’s not telling me about. But I’m afraid to do it. Other than our lack of sexual activity, Justin and I have been getting along better than we have in a long time. We laugh, we talk. We confide in one another for everything. I don’t even care if we have to stay cooped up in the hotel room to do all that, as long as we’re having fun together. And I love to have fun with him. I love to laugh with him. It takes me back to a time when I was okay…when I wasn’t all fu'cked up in the head. I loved that version of myself, even though at the time I didn’t think I was anything special. I constantly find myself trying to find her again…trying to bring her back from the depths of my soul. But I can’t do it. This is how I am now. I hardly smile, I hardly laugh…I just can’t seem to lighten up. Maybe Trace is right. Maybe I do need to get out more, but I can’t do that to Justin. Granted, I am a little more independent than him when it comes to going out and facing the world. But I can’t remember the last time I took a day to go out and have some fun. Fun…it’s not on my agenda anymore really. I’m either working, or spending time with Justin…so he’ll be okay, and so I can have somebody to confide in. He’s the only one…the only one who understands. And if I start to go out and do things without him, I’m afraid he’ll withdraw from me even more than he already has.

Once we get through this week’s stretch of shows, we get a few days to ourselves before we have to start up again. I’m hoping that the extra time off will give Justin and I the chance to reconnect…to talk things out a little bit. I’ve been trying to make myself believe it’s the reason why he’s been so off…because of the tour. I know he’s been tired…some nights so tired that he’s passed right out upon our return to the hotel room. He doesn’t know I do it of course, and I wont tell him; but sometimes I find that I can’t sleep and I end up watching him. He’s not at peace when he sleeps. He tosses and turns, mumbles incomprehensible things…sometimes loudly. I always know he’s dreaming, but I never have the heart to wake him. I know where his mind is at when he’s tossing and turning like that. He sees…them. I mean, I know the right thing to do would be to wake him up…but I can’t do it. I guess I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid of the stories Justin will tell me about Shane and Nathan and what they were doing to him. It’s hard for me to think about all of that right now, while I’m trying to get over my drinking problem. I know that’s selfish…I know it is. But I’m just…I’m too weak to deal with both problems at once.

After our mini break, we’re heading down to Tennessee to conclude the club tour. Justin is taping a Thanksgiving special for ABC, and I know it’s the one show that’s really going to mean something to him. From what he’s been telling me, his entire family is coming down to see it. Most importantly, his grandparents are going to be there and that‘s something that‘s going to mean a lot to him. When his grandfather had that heart attack a few years back, his grandparents had to stop coming to the shows, and I know that really did a number on Justin. Needless to say, I’m sure he’s going to be more nervous about this show than any other show he’s done this tour. It worries me. I know how he gets when he over exerts himself for a performance. The littlest flaw discovered during rehearsals sets him back for hours and hours until he’s satisfied that he’s gotten it perfect. I don’t know if Justin has the mental stability to deal with that…but then again, he did do the whole VMA thing, so maybe I’m underestimating him. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.

Once the tour is concluded, we get a nice month off before Justin has to start rehearsing for the European leg of his tour, slated to start in January. Justin says he wants to spend part of the time in Shelby Forest with his mom and the rest of the family. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. I used to love going home, way back when my life was normal, when Justin was still my best friend…when our lives were carefree and fun. But things are different now, at least for me. While Justin still has the love and support of his mother and the rest of his family, I’ve sort of been left to fend for myself. My parents are an issue that I’ve tried many times to push to the back of my mind. It’s hard though, knowing that I haven’t spoken to them or heard from them in a good two months. It’s my fault I guess. I’ve been impossible to deal with on their part, but what was I supposed to do? Justin was suffering, he needed me, and I don’t know why my parents couldn‘t, understand that. I think maybe, they still can’t accept the fact that I was kidnapped. Or maybe they just don’t want to because it scares them. If that’s the case I guess I can’t really blame them. It was all so sudden…how it happened. One minute I was there, playing with Mary in front of the television, and the next minute Lynn was telling them that Justin and I had been kidnapped. Shocking? Of course, but I never dreamed that it would affect them to the point where they would practically disown me.

Even though I’m too stubborn to call and try to reason with them, I can’t deny the fact that I miss them like crazy. I miss my mothers home cooking, and my father’s corny jokes. I miss Mary, how she can brighten my day with her beautiful little smile. I want things to get better, I want to be accepted and loved by the three of them again. But I think I’ve made things so bad…so hard, that they probably don’t want anything to do with me. And if it weren’t for the support I receive from my boyfriend and from Trace, I think the whole thing might have pushed me over the edge by now.

We’ve been back in Los Angeles for a couple of days, and hell…even though Justin‘s house isn’t my true home, it still feels good to be back in a familiar place. I know it’s safe here, I know nothing bad can happen to me…and I know Justin is a million times more relaxed now that he’s home. After we’d arrived back here and gotten settled in, Justin had crawled into his bed and proceeded to pass out, not reemerging until late the next morning. I’d accidentally fallen asleep on the couch the night before, leaving my side of Justin’s king size bed vacant. Naturally, he was upset about that. We’d had a lengthy conversation about it of course, and he hadn’t hesitated to tell me how nervous he became when he’d awoken and hadn’t found me sleeping next to him. I of course, apologized. I’d been on the phone with Siobhan and Casey from school, and hadn’t had the energy to relocate myself from couch to upstairs bedroom afterwards. He’d pretended to understand of course, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. I understand…I do. He’s still scared, so am I, and I’m sure if the situation had been reversed I would have reacted the same way.

At least I think I would have.

Today is one of the few I’ve had completely to myself since the tour started. I was planning on using part of the day to catch up on some paperwork I’d been neglecting, and the rest of it to simply be lazy. By ten o’clock this morning I’d been ready to get down to business. Clad in a pair of Justin’s jogging pants and an old tee shirt, I’d spread my paperwork across the coffee table and popped Sixteen Candles into the DVD player. For fifteen minutes I was at peace, I’d been getting somewhere…work was being accomplished. But then I felt his hand fall gently onto my shoulder, and when I looked up he had the queerest smile on his face. “Baby?” I’d laughed a little bit, and he’d kissed me softly on the lips

“I’m sending you on a mission,” Justin told me playfully, before walking around the sofa to plop down beside me.

“I think I have enough to deal with at the moment,” I’d laughed, and tried to look back to the itinerary I’d been reviewing, but of course he hadn’t allowed me to. His hands started to wander underneath my shirt…underneath my bra, and I’d sighed. “Justin…”

“Give me a few hours,” he’d chuckled, removing his hands from underneath my shirt and snatching the paper I’d been holding out of my hand. “I have some stuff I need to do, and you can’t be here.”

Being the paranoid idiot that I am, it was only natural that I became nervous. I didn’t know why Justin would want me to leave him alone in the house, on a day that we had completely to ourselves. Despite the fact that he’d been slightly withdrawn, he didn’t seem to want to be without me for an extended period of time. I just didn’t get it, and I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from blurting out a million ridiculous questions I was sure I had no place asking. “You want me to leave?” I’d finally managed to say, not being able to hide the urgency in my voice. “But…I can’t just leave you alone…”

“Babe,” he’d laughed and flashed me a reassuring smile before giving me another light kiss. “It’s nothing bad, and I won’t be alone, okay? Elisha is coming by to go over some stuff with me…business stuff. I figured you and Trace could go to the beach. You like the beach right?”

I was still confused. I didn’t understand what Elisha had to do with Justin’s career. I’d been the one playing his assistant since the tour started, and neither Trace or Elisha had been around to help. My mind had been screaming at me, telling me that he was a liar and to get out while I still could. But I couldn’t just point my finger and accuse him like that. Justin loved me, and the better part of me knew he had no reason to lie to me anymore. We’d been through too much, and if there really was something wrong…I was sure he wouldn’t be able to just hold it in. Or if he were able to, he certainly wouldn’t have been able to do it with a smile and a laugh.

“I like the beach,” I’d said stupidly.

“Good.” Another kiss and he was off to the kitchen to fix himself a bowl of cereal, leaving me to wonder what the hell was going on. I almost confronted him about it when he sat back down too. I almost confronted him about a lot of things. Like…his attitude lately, and the fact that our sex life was practically non existent. But by the time I mustered up the courage to say something, the doorbell rang, and Justin had eagerly jumped up to answer the door.

“I don’t get what the fu'ck is going on.” Trace stormed through the door the moment Justin opened it , and my eyes widened when I saw the infuriated expression on his face. “Why do you need to talk to Justin? Why the hell do I have to leave?”

“God, Trace…would you relax? I told you, Justin and I have some business we need to take care of.” Elisha had strutted past her boyfriend and into the house, her expression a mixture of frustration and fatigue. Needless to say, their fight confused me more than I already was. At that moment I didn’t want anything to do with them. I just wanted to run upstairs and hide in my bed until all the madness was over with. I’d even stood up and tried to sneak past them, but Justin had snaked an arm around my waist and pulled me close to him before I could escape.

“Come on, man,” Justin had chided, trying to lighten the mood. “I thought you and Ker could maybe go to the beach. Y’all haven’t spent any time together since we’ve been back…and Elisha and I just need to talk.”

“I can stay here and spend time with Kerri,” Trace had grunted, before miserably plopping down onto the sofa. “There’s no reason you and Elisha need to be alone in the house together.”

The thought that Trace had become slightly possessive of his girlfriend since he’d started his little hiatus, didn’t fail to cross my mind . I figured it was only natural, as he’d nearly lost everything and was just now starting to get back on track. Though I’ve never really known Trace to be the possessive as'shole type…I knew this thing had changed him as much as it changed Justin and I. I knew he was only trying to protect his relationship, and his sanity. But explaining that to Justin would have been pointless…because Justin has always gotten his way, and Trace’s attitude wasn’t going to change that.

“You’re being ridiculous!” Elisha had broken the awkward silence that had followed Trace’s angry outburst. “You’re acting like I’m going to cheat on you or something! I just need to talk to him. He‘s my friend too, Trace! Fu'ck…just…you know, sometimes I wonder why I even decided to…” But she stopped herself before she could finish her sentence.

He’d started at her, wide eyed…mouth agape. He knew he’d messed up then, and I felt really bad. Even though she knows what happened…what he did; I still don’t think Elisha realizes how messed up Trace is because of it. Little things like this morning can set him off now, and while he’s not violent or anything, he can get really moody and hurt somebody’s feelings. I hadn’t wanted anybody else’s temper to elevate. I didn’t want Trace to scream at Elisha, or Elisha to scream at Trace…and most of all, I didn’t want Justin to get agitated.

“Trace it’s fine, really.” I’d pulled away from Justin and made my way over to him. “Justin found out about a movie that Elisha would be perfect for, that’s all. He figured all that business talk would bore us. I mean, we get enough of that already. He thought we could just enjoy the day.” I was lying and I hated myself for it, but I figured it would help things along. And as I looked back at Justin, and saw the small smile on his face, I knew I’d done something right for once.

“That’s retarded.” Trace folded his arms across his chest and continued to look straight ahead. “I’m not leaving her alone with him. Who knows what could happen if he gets pissed off.”

I sighed. I guess I’d been denying the fact that Justin and Trace hadn’t been getting along all that great. I mean, I know they’ve talked things over. They’ve started to move past all that Shane stuff. But still, I know that their friendship was dealt a huge blow, and it’s hardly back at the level it should be. I don’t think Trace trusts Justin as much as he used to…and maybe it’s another reason why Justin has been a little withdrawn. Trace is his best friend, and was basically the only one there when he first started coming out about what happened to him. While I feel out of place confronting either of them about their friendship, I feel like I need to…or else things are going to get really bad for them. It kills me to see them so distant from each other. I mean, Christ, it’s like they don’t even know each other anymore.

“I can’t believe you would say that,” Elisha had snapped. “He’s your best friend, Trace. Have a little respect at least.”

Trace had stood up then, and glared at the both of them. Justin had looked upset, remorseful. But Elisha…she’d just seemed so angry. It made me wonder how things had really been going with them. I’d tried to talk to Trace as often as I could from the road, and each time I did he seemed to be content with the way things were going. He didn’t mention Elisha all that much, but then again, he never does when we talk. When we talk, it’s about us…about what’s going on in our heads and stuff. I’ve just assumed that Trace prefers to keep his relationship with Elisha out of our conversations. I figured it was just a matter of privacy. But in that moment, I realized that things couldn’t have been going as well as I thought they were. Granted, they’d gotten back together…Elisha had taken him back. But, maybe it was only because she was afraid of what he’d do to himself if she didn’t. That scared me...it still does. I hate to think that Trace is in a relationship that’s based on sympathy alone. Now isn’t the time for that sh'it, with everything else going on in his life. But I don’t feel like I can say anything, because really…it’s none of my business.

“Fine,” Trace laughed sarcastically. “Do whatever the fu'ck you want.”

“Trace, look…I’m sorry…” Justin had mumbled the words, keeping his gaze locked on the hardwood floor of his living room. “I--”

“You’re always sorry,” Trace had sneered, conveniently cutting Justin short. “And I don’t have the @#%$ time or patience to deal with it right now.”

I’d seen my boyfriend practically near tears then, and while all I wanted to do was go to him and tell him everything was going to be okay, the better part of me knew that Trace was the one I needed to talk to if I wanted to help the situation at all. So, after giving Justin a quick kiss and grabbing my purse, I’d taken a pouting Trace by the arm and forced him into the passenger side of his BMW. I think he might have protested, but I was in no mood to give in. Really, I’d been fuming. In my mind, Justin hadn’t done anything that bad. Granted, he’d said a lot of fu'cked up things when the Shane Crisis unfolded, but he’d made up for it. He didn’t deserve to be put down by Trace anymore, and I was going to make that clear to him once we reached our destination.

I was…but, as I’ve been sitting here in the sand, watching the waves lap up on the shore…I’ve found myself more at peace than I’ve been in a long, long time, and I haven’t wanted to break that peace for anything in the world. Selfish again, I know…but I think I owe it to myself to have a few hours of peace today. As it is, my birthday is in a couple of days. I know that Justin doesn’t have much time, so I haven’t brought up the subject to him at all. Maybe he’ll remember and get me a nice card and flowers. Yeah. That’s really all I want anyway. Even though the smallest part of me is longing to celebrate with a party attended by my closest friends…I know that the idea isn’t logical right now. Justin wouldn’t feel safe, and neither would I. I can picture it now…us huddled in a corner of the room while the rest of our guests would be dancing and having a kick ass time. It would be a waste, I know that. I can only hope that by this time next year, we’ll both have recovered enough where we feel comfortable enough to throw parties again.

I guess the only thing that really bothers me about the whole ‘no party’ thing, is that Trace’s birthday and my birthday fall on the same day. It was cool when we were kids, when we were teenagers. We’d just throw a huge party for the both of us, get crazy drunk, and pass out on the floor of whatever nightclub it was at five in the morning. It was great, and remembering all of that makes me long for a shot of whiskey and a hot, confident, Justin to dance with. But it’s impossible right now, and I can only hope that Trace can find it in himself to have a great time on his birthday without Justin and I experiencing it along side of him.

“Hey.”

It’s the first thing he’s said to me in the three hours we’ve been sitting here, and I’m not all that surprised. Trace is as stubborn as they come, and it takes him about this long to come around after he knows he’s been acting like an idiot. But, I don’t answer him right away. I don’t care right now. All I care about, are the waves…and that cute little girl building a sandcastle a little ways down the beach. She looks a little bit like Mary, and I smile. I’d like to build a sandcastle with her right now. I hope she’s okay…I hope she’s having a good time with mom and dad…

“Kerri, it’s not you that I’m mad at.”

I don’t bother to look his way. “It doesn’t matter.” I find a small stick lying a few feet away, and start to make little designs in the patch of sand in front of my feet. “That was before, and I’m over it. I’m relaxed now.” It’s not a total lie, but…I am still angry with him.

“Ker…”

“What’s going on with you,” I find myself blurting out, before he can start to make another excuse for himself. “Because I know there’s something going on…again. Why do you always do this? Why do you keep your problems locked away, Trace? I thought you came back here so you could get yourself some help. You were supposed to be getting better, and really, the only thing I see is a moodier version of the guy that left for LA a few weeks ago.”

He sighs. “It’s not a problem…like the last time,” he whimpers. “I just, you know…me and Elisha just aren’t seeing eye to eye right now.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Again?”

He frowns and leans back on his elbows. “We’ve been trying. But I think the relationship… it’s just run it’s course. Things aren’t going to get better…there’s nothing we can do, you know? I mean, I still love her and all. I think I’ll always love her, Ker. But we’re just not…passionate about each other anymore. We spend more time fighting about how things aren’t working, than actually trying to make them work. It’s a waste of time,“ he sighs. “I’m just sorry that you had to be there before…to see it live.“

I shake my head and concentrate on my sand art again. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you two fighting before,“ I mutter. “That’s not what pissed me off Trace.“

“Then what was it?”

I look up at him. He’s staring at me intently, and really, I’m sure he knows exactly why I was pissed off. I know how smart he is, and how manipulative he can be. God, I hate it when he plays dumb. I know how smart he is…and right now he’s being a manipulative little ba'stard. “You treated Justin like sh'it back there,” I say, shooting him an angry glare.

He shrugs. “Just trying to let him know how it feels.”

“What?” I sit up on my knees and place my hands on my hips. “Trace…what the hell? Have you stopped going to your therapist or something? Because that’s really fu'cked up.”

“I’ve been going,” he informs me. “But I can still feel whatever I want to feel, Kerri. Me and Justin…we’re complete opposites now. I can’t…look at him the same way. I don’t feel like he’s the guy I grew up with anymore. He’s just…this weirdo that…”

“Oh, screw you.” I stand up and angrily storm away from where he’s sprawled out. I can’t believe him. I can’t believe that he would stoop so low to refer to Justin as ‘some weirdo’. That’s his best friend…I mean, what the hell is going on? Has everybody lost their damn minds? Am I the only one that can see Justin for who he truly is?

“Kerri! Come on! Wait up!”

I don’t slow down, but I can sense him behind me. A few minutes later he’s caught up to me. He’s out of breath, gasping, pleading for me to ‘wait a damn second’. I don’t want to, but I guess I can’t completely ignore him. He’s the best friend I have right now, and one of the only people who truly understands what I’ve been through. I realize if I lose him, I’ll lose a very precious relationship for the second time in my life. And I don’t want that. I need him to be my friend…and I’m sure he needs me to be his. I stop in my tracks, and kick up some sand in frustration. “You’re pissing me off, Ayala.”

He smiles pathetically. “Don’t I always?”

I find myself walking down the beach with him for awhile. Somehow, the subject veers away from Justin and what happened, although I don’t know why. I guess it’s just easier for us to ignore it for now, make the memory fade into the depths of our minds until later on, even though we wont want to deal with it then either. We talk about him, what exactly he’s been doing to better himself. He says he was going to one shrink for the first couple of weeks, but found that he couldn’t talk to him openly…so he went back to Madison. Christ, I don’t know what it is with that woman. The way the boys flock to her, she either has beer flavored nipples or her own private peep show going on in the office.

“She’s giving you blow jobs on the side isn‘t she?” I say, as seriously as I can.

He nudges me a little and loops his arm through mind. “Nah. She’s just jerking my chain a little…you know how it works.”

I find myself laughing, and then he starts to laugh along with me. It’s weird. I know I’m still mad at him, but at the same time I don’t feel like showing that aggression towards him right now. In all honesty, I’ve missed him. It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to hang out with him, and it feels good to be doing it again. It’s different with us I guess. We’re friends, we’ve always been…our relationship didn’t cease to exist when Justin and I stopped talking. He’s always been able to calm me down, and right now is no different, despite the fact that he’s the reason I was upset in the first place.

“I really did miss you a lot,” he tells me, once we get back to our original spot on the beach. “It wasn’t the same without you.”

I smile a little and sit down beside him. “Trace…”

“No Kerri, really. I feel like sh'it about today, and I really don’t want you to be mad at me. I know I acted like a complete as's with Justin and all. But I know you understand why. I mean, Elisha and I are hanging by a thread and today she wanted to hang around with Justin all day. I know I shouldn’t have been pissed off about that, I know they’re friends. I guess…I just don’t trust him.” He looks at me seriously, and I know what he’s hinting at. The fact that Justin hit me hasn’t escaped Trace’s mind, or my own…and I know it never will. I hate to think that its one of the main reasons why Trace has been so cold towards Justin, but I know it is. And I have to admit…it’s a good reason. He’s watching out for me, for any girl that comes around Justin, because he knows what Justin is capable of…

God wait, capable of? What am I thinking? I love Justin…I love him and hitting me was an accident, that’s all.

That’s all.

“Justin is better,” I defend. “You haven’t’ been around to see it, but he’s gotten a lot better, Trace.”

He laughs a little. “Come on Kerri. We both know that’s a bunch of bullsh'it.” He rolls his eyes and starts to claw at the sand with his fingers. “I’m not saying that he’s a horrible person. I know he cares about you…I’m not denying that at all. It’s just, when Justin loses it…he loses it. And right now I think he’s really insecure about sh'it.”

I scoff. “Such as?”

He sighs, but he won’t look at me. I know he’s hiding something, but I’m almost too scared to ask him about it. I don’t want to be confused like I was when he told me about Shane. Things have calmed down a lot since all that happened . I’ve been calmer, Justin has been calmer…still insecure and stuff, but still calmer than he’s been.

“Trace, please don’t do this again,” I beg. “The whole…Shane thing was bad enough, okay? If you have something you’re keeping from me, I need you to tell me now.”

Then he looks at me. “Things are going to change,” he informs me. “And I’m really worried about that…about what it’s going to do to you.” He reaches out and pushes a few strands of hair back behind my ear. “I know you love Justin, but I don’t think you get it. Like, his life changed a lot when you guys stopped talking. He had a new girlfriend, a brand new album that led into a brand new career. He changed, Kerri. And even though all that sh'it went down, and y’all got together…he’s not the same Justin that you want to remember. He‘s not the same Justin you wanted to fall in love with.”

I guess I should understand why Trace is acting this way. He was the first one to dish out his insecurities about Justin and I getting together. There are obvious reasons why he doesn’t think we can make a relationship work between us; what happened three years ago being the most significant thing. He doesn’t think Justin has changed since then. He thinks he’ll still fu'ck me over, and break my heart all over again. Still, I don’t understand why he can’t give Justin the benefit of the doubt. I mean, we were fu'cking kidnapped. He and I endured something that nobody should have to, and yeah, it changed Justin a lot. But, I figured it had changed him for the better. He’s rediscovered his feelings for me, just like I’ve rediscovered my feelings for him. He’s not so egotistical now…not so full of himself. He loves me. His feelings are real. So what if our sex life isn’t the best? So what if we’ve become a couple of shut ins? It’s better than not having him at all.

“I like him the way he is,” I sigh. “And if you can’t understand that, so what, Trace? It’s not your place to understand…he’s my boyfriend, it’s my life…”

“Look,” he cuts me off. “I shouldn’t be telling you this. Justin’s gonna be pissed at me for it, but I just…don’t give a damn if he is or he’s not. I’m sick of covering up for his ass. It’s ridiculous, Kerri.” He shakes his head roughly. “He can’t be a fu'cking man and tell you this sh'it himself.”

“Trace…”

“I ran into Cameron awhile back,” he mutters, and digs his pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his shorts. “She was asking me all this crap about Justin. She wanted to know if he was okay.”

I look away from him and tell myself that it was a casual encounter and it didn’t go beyond Trace. I tell myself that Justin wouldn’t have started talking to Cameron again and kept it a secret from me. Really, he has no reason to do that. I mean…he doesn’t. Although it would explain a lot. Like our lack of sexual activity and the weird mood he’s been in lately. No…no I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. “So you talked to her. There’s no harm in that,” I say and try to laugh off the paranoid feelings inside of me. “She was dating him…”

“You’re not that fu'cking naïve I hope.” He shoots me an annoyed glare as he lights up his cigarette. “She’s been calling him you know. They‘ve been talking. He told me that.”

“So what if they’ve been talking,” I say, like its no big deal. Like the fact that my boyfriend has been talking to the woman that walked out on him doesn’t matter, that the fact he’s been keeping it from me…doesn’t’ matter.

“He didn’t tell you,” he points out. “That’s the point of this conversation.”

I wrap my arms around my knees and pull them up to my chin before I start to rock myself back and forth. “Works kept me busy. He just…I know he didn’t want to worry me.”

“Kerrigan.”

He calls me by my full name, something he rarely does. It forces me to look at him, even though I have tears in my eyes right now.

“Why should you worry?,” he asks, seriously. “I mean, he’s supposed to love you right?”

I don’t answer him. I don’t tell him all the garbage that’s been going on…how I’m not as confident in Justin as I should be right now. I can’t. I can’t do it because I don’t want Trace to know that I’m a failure. I mean, I know he already thinks I’m weak, and I’ve been trying too hard to prove to him that I’m not, that I can handle things…that I can handle everything and I don’t need help. That I don’t need to sit in a room with somebody like Madison and talk. I can’t break, I can’t. Because if I do, I know he’ll drag me off to the loony bin.

He sighs when I still don’t answer, and takes a few drags of his cigarette. “Like I said, he’s not the same guy you were in love with before. He wasn’t before the kidnapping, and he’s not now.”

Deny, deny, deny, my inner voice chants. Don’t let him assume, make him believe what you want him to. “So what’ if he’s changed,” I blurt out angrily. “Love…love doesn’t change, Trace. It can’t, and Justin has always loved me…”

“He never fu'cking loved you!” He becomes enraged and points his finger at me accusingly…like I’m a horrible person for thinking that Justin could ever love me, somebody as horrible as me. It scares me and I want to run away from him, but I find that I’m frozen. I’m afraid of him, despite the fact that I probably trust him more than most of the people I know, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. Do I fight back, do I run away…or do I just sit here like an idiot?

I sit here like an idiot.

“He never loved you when we were kids, or when he fu'cked you in New York!” His voice starts to quiver and his bottom lip trembles for a few moments before he lets out a small sob. He rises to his feet and starts to pace back and forth, not speaking again until the last drag of his cigarette has been smoked. “He didn’t love you when he ignored you for all those years, or when you were kidnapped. And he certainly doesn’t love you now, okay! He doesn’t. He’s a selfish ba'stard, and he‘s going to use you to his advantage!”

I don’t remember standing up, but I am now. I’m standing a few feet away from him, but my stare is like a dagger…boring into Trace’s eyes. It’s a look of hatred, and I feel horrible about it, but I can’t help myself. Does Trace realize what he’s saying right now? He sounds like a mad man. Who the hell is he to say that? That Justin doesn’t love me? “How could you say that? You don’t know…you don’t know anything, Trace! You‘re never around…you left! It‘s your own fault that your losing Justin as a friend…so you can stop trying to bring me down with you, okay?”

He steps closer to me after a moment. He seems a little calmer, but I still don’t trust it and I try to back away from him…but he won’t let me. He grabs my arm, and despite the frightened whimper I let out, he still won’t let go. “I love Justin like he’s my brother, Ker. You know that I do, and you know that we’ve been trying to work through all this sh'it. I don’t consider our friendship to be over, okay? But that’s not what we’re talking about right now. We’re talking about you and Justin, and Justin is one of the most selfish people that I know. Don’t think he’s with you, for you. He’s doing this for himself. He’s doing this to make himself feel better about fu'cking you over, getting you kidnapped…getting you mixed up in it.”

“No!” I push him back roughly, but he doesn’t falter. I’m sobbing now, I’m breaking down, and I hate myself for it. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to believe anything Trace has to say, but I know he’s not a liar. He’s one of the most brutally honest people I know, and I think that’s what’s making me so angry. I love Justin, and to know that…to know that his feelings for me might be fake, that our relationship might be one big act to prove something to himself…it’s tearing me apart.

“Come on.” I let him pull me into a hug. “Kerri, I’m not trying to be a prick. I--I care about you, you know that. I don’t want to see you get any worse off than you already are.” He pulls away after a moment and runs his hands up and down my bare arms. “Look at you. Look at what an awesome person you are Kerri. You deserve the best…you deserve to get over all of this and be happy, okay? What you don’t deserve, is to be Justin’s little sex aid for the rest of your life.”

I try to be angry at him. “You’re a bast--”

But he cuts me off. “You know I’m right, Ker.”

And then I start to cry

I lean into Trace’s chest and sob into his white tank top, knowing that I don’t want to be doing this…but not being able to control my emotions any longer. I feel him wrap his arms around me, and it feels nice for a moment, but I can’t dwell on it long. The dark horrible thoughts about myself are taking over now. I didn’t try hard enough. I wasn’t a good girlfriend. I couldn’t make Justin happy. Try harder. But I think I’ve done as much as I can do. So what now? What do I do now? Break up with him? No, because the thing about that is…I don’t want to, because I’m terrified of being without him. And Justin, I know he still needs me to stick around, even if Trace is right about everything he’s told me today. So I’ll just stick it out…right. Stick it out and hope Justin snaps out of whatever it is. I mean, I’ve done it before. I’ve waited around for him…and waited, and waited…

For three fu'cking years I waited.

And…for three years, Justin didn’t even care that I was still waiting.

Maybe I’m still waiting, hoping, praying for him to truly love me. Maybe Justin knows that too. Maybe he knows that I’ll never leave. Maybe it makes him feel good to know he has control over me…over something in his life. As for me, I don’t feel good about anything. I don’t have control over anything. I’m just the one who waits, gets pushed around, and hopes that everything will work out for the best.

“You gotta tell him, Kerri,” he whispers in my ear as he strokes my hair. “You gotta tell him that you’re not going to let him…”

“Let’s just go home,” I say softly, tugging away from him after a moment. “Okay?”

He sighs, and wipes a few stray tears from my face. “Let’s talk.”

“No.”

He stares at me for a long time after that, not saying anything, but giving me that look that tells me he’s disappointed in my decision. “So you’re just going to go back there and act like everything is cool?”

I bite my bottom lip. “He’s all I have.”

He laughs sadly. “Thanks a lot.”

“Oh come on, Trace. You know what I mean.”

“No I don’t,” he mutters. “You’ll always have me Kerri. I mean, I don’t have to sleep with you to make you understand that do I?”

I stare at him. I don’t really know what to say to that. He’s acting like sex is the most important thing to me right now, and it’s not at all. It’s just…my feelings for Justin run deep. A lot deeper than his feelings run for me I’m sure. I need him. To make it through all of this, I need him. I can’t be without him. I’m afraid that if I try to make it on my own, something horrible will happen to me. And I don’t want that. I want to be better…I want to be like I was before everything happened. “I need Justin,” I state. “I never said you had to understand, Trace. We have a complicated relationship…but whatever. We’ll talk, and everything will be fine.”

He sighs, and shrugs his shoulders in defeat. “You keep believing that, Ker. And you know…when you finally realize that the only person you need to rely on is yourself, let me know. I’ll help you get back on your feet.”

“Because you have all the fu'cking answers, Trace.” I roll my eyes.

He walks away, and I try not to care…but I do. He’s made his points and I haven’t cared all that much. I’m a horrible person…but, what else is new?

At least Justin doesn’t hate me.

…not yet anyway.
****************************
Throwing Trace a birthday party has never been an easy task for me, but when you’ve known somebody as long as I’ve known Trace…it’s always hard to make something like a birthday more exciting with each passing year. The funny thing is, Trace and Kerri have the same birthday, so throwing a party for Trace has always coincided with a celebration for Kerri as well. When we were little kids, of course it was easier. Our parents planned it all out. We’d go to the Batting Cages in Memphis, and have that cool ice cream cake shaped like a big baseball. As we got older though, it was usually left up to me to plan the event. So, I’d book the closest nightclub in proximity to where I was at the time, and fly Kerri out for the week. We’d have fun, I’d take her shopping…and we’d get stoned with Trace up in the hotel room. Now that it’s been three years, I’m not so sure what she’d like to do; and really, I know throwing any kind of wild party at a nightclub is out of the question.

When Elisha and I were reviewing our options, she’d suggested the idea…and I’d quickly shot her down. She didn’t seem to understand why, but of course I can’t blame her for that . I told her if she wanted to do the club thing, she could do Trace’s party separate from Kerri’s, but she was quick to tell me no. She said that she considered Kerri to be a close friend now, and she wanted to help plan her party too. It made me smile a little, as Elisha has never been the type to accept people into her life so quickly. It made me want to agree with her…buy out a nightclub and throw a huge bash for our significant others. But at the same time, I knew the truth. I couldn’t handle that, and with all the alcohol around, I knew Kerri wouldn’t be able to control herself either. And I can’t have Kerri going back to being a drunk mess all the time. She needs to be focused right now…because if she’s not focused, I’m terrified of what could happen to her, that she might hurt herself or something.

After many hours of debating, we finally decided to have the party here at my house tomorrow night. We’re hiring caterers to do the cooking, and Elisha knows an awesome DJ who says he’ll play the party for free, as long as I‘ll sign an autograph or two for his kid sister. There will be no alcohol of course, for Kerri’s sake. While it breaks about a million traditions that Trace and I have held since we were old enough to sneak bottles of Jack Daniels into our hotel room, I know it’s for the best. I hope it doesn’t piss people off, but I guess they’ll have to understand. We’ve only invited about three dozen people anyway…mostly close friends and family, and they all know what happened to Kerri and me. Of course they’ll probably all act a little weird, watch what they say around me and my girlfriend, but I expect that. The fact that they’re even bothering to come means so much to me, I don’t care about anything else. I haven’t seen some of these people since the Justified tour ended at the end of august, and so…I’m a little excited. I know that JC is going to come, maybe Chris too. Our friend Nick is flying out from Memphis, and I even got Siobhan to come, despite how hard it was for me to convince the girl I was only doing it for Kerri’s sake.

The girl really is a bi'tch, and when I called her she made sure to list every reason in the world why Kerri should have been back in New York with her instead of in Los Angeles with me. I wanted to say a bunch of sh'it to her out of anger, but I held my tongue. I knew that if I pissed her off enough she wouldn’t come out for the party, and I really didn’t want that to happen. I know that Siobhan means a lot to Kerri as far as friends go, and I wasn’t’ about to let the fact that I hate the girl prevent them from seeing each other.

“Kerri would love it if you came,” I mumbled once she finished her hate speech. “I just want you to know that. So if you can make it, great. If not…I won’t even tell her that I called you. Sorry I bothered you.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to come,” she’d snapped before I could hang up on her. “You think I don’t want to see my best friend on her birthday, Justin? I’m not you okay? I don’t ditch my friends.”

I’d sighed. She was getting into things she had no business talking about. I already knew I’d fu'cked up with Kerri when I’d taken her virginity. Surely she knew that I never meant to hurt Kerri like that. But I guess she was simply being the overprotective girlfriend that hated to see her friend in pain. I tried to understand, but at the same time…I had enough problems keeping what little confidence I had afloat, without somebody else bringing me down. “I care about Kerri. I-I always have, and if you knew anything about us…how close we were, you would understand that I never meant to hurt her like that, Siobhan. I was scared…”

She laughed at me. “You were a wimp you mean.”

“Maybe I was.”

“Do you know how hard all this has been on her, Justin?”

I wanted to smack her. Didn’t she realize I’d been kidnapped too? That I’d endured as much as Kerri had? No, she didn’t know about the rape or anything…but that shouldn’t have mattered. Surely being kidnapped should have been scary enough in her eyes. “Of course I do. I was right there with her,” I’d grunted. “That’s why she’s here, Siobhan…so we can get through this together.”

“She’s still terrified,” she’d pointed out. “Maybe she tries to act like she’s getting better when she’s around you, and I guess that probably makes your ego bigger because you think you’re the one and only solution to her problems. But your head is in the fu'cking clouds, Justin. She’s just as terrified about things now, as she was in the beginning. Like, she thinks everybody is out to get her or something. I mean damn, she calls me sometimes at three in the morning, crying because she’s so scared. And I can’t do anything because you have her held hostage on your little tour or whatever the hell it is.”

I was silent. As far as I knew, Kerri had been doing a lot better since our discussion on the tour bus. She’d been looking a little better, smiling a lot more than she had been, and I was pretty sure she hadn‘t been having trouble sleeping. I just didn’t get it, and part of me wanted to believe that Siobhan was making all of that up so I would feel like a failure. But then again, I knew Siobhan cared about Kerri and she wouldn’t just make sh'it up to make me feel bad. She definitely wasn’t the type to waste her time doing that. “I’m not holding her hostage,” I whispered. “She wants to be here. I’ve told her that she can go back…”

“Oh yeah right,” she laughed. “Like she’d ever leave now, Justin. Can’t you see? She’s completely dependant on you. She doesn’t know how to make her own decisions or live her own life, because you’ve been doing all of that for her. She needs to learn to do for herself, Justin. And until she gets away from you, she never will.”

I’d gritted my teeth in frustration. Part of me understood what she was saying . She was right in a way. Kerri wasn’t all that independent…but neither was I. I certainly didn’t think I was holding her back from anything she wanted to do. I mean, I used to think that way. But after telling Kerri time and time again that she was free to go back to New York, and getting no results…I just stopped. I figured she was happy with the way things were going…happy with me, even if I confused her more than I should have at times. “I’m gonna go now,” I’d stated, trying to hide the emotion in my voice. Even though I’ve always hated the girl, I couldn’t deny the fact that she’d upset me. She made me feel unworthy of Kerri’s presence. Christ, she made me want to cry…and I felt like such a ‘wimp’, as she would have put it. “Maybe you’ll show up.”

“Oh I’ll be there,” she said quickly. “I wouldn’t miss the chance to talk Kerri into dumping your sorry ass.”

Then she’d hung up, I’d dropped the phone, and buried my face in my hands. Immediately, I’d regretted even calling her, and if I was stronger I would have called the bi'tch right back and told her to forget about coming…that she wasn’t welcome in my house. But I knew what the results of that conversation would have been. Siobhan would call Kerri, twist my words around to make it sound like I was the bad person…and then Kerri would have been upset with me. So I just let it go, hoping that when Siobhan did in fact arrive, she wouldn’t be so cold towards me. I figured if Kerri was by my side, she’d probably cool it, and I’d made a vow to keep her close to me the entire evening. Even though…I knew it wouldn’t be hard. Kerri has been so clingy lately, its been extremely hard getting her out of the house to plan the party, let alone getting a few moments to myself to veg out.

I need that sometimes…I need my space. The sad thing is, Kerri knows that. She’s always known that…from the time we were small children. She’d be over my house, we’d play for awhile, and then I would tell her it was time for her to go home. She was always confused by this of course, but she never asked questions. Then she would leave and I would go into my room for hours and play with my toys or just sit on my bed and think. I was different from most children. I liked to think, dream…create. I could never be bored, even when I was alone, because I would always have some melody or thought running through my mind. It’s not that I don’t want Kerri around…I do. I just need some time to myself to think about things every now and then. Especially now, with all this stuff going on with Cameron…

Cameron.

We’ve been talking a lot since that first night she called me. So much that I’m starting to feel guilty about it. I haven’t told Kerri…I’ve been too afraid of what she’ll think. I don’t know, I should probably tell Cam we need to cool it; as it is, I’ve talked to her on the phone every night this week. But I just don’t want to. It feels good to hear her voice and hear her laugh. It feels good to know that she gets me, that she understands me. Not that Kerri doesn’t…I guess it’s just different with Cameron. She’s older, more experienced and mature. She doesn’t take any crap…she gets to the point, no matter what the cost. I can talk to her…I think…I think I might even be ready to tell her what he did to me…

But I don’t know yet.

“You look tired.”

I stretch my legs out across the window seat, and I know it’s really stupid, but it feels so damn good to be doing this. The sun is shining brightly on the garden this afternoon, and it’s so peaceful…a world of away from the hysteria of my tour, flashes in my face, and strange girls calling my name. So peaceful in fact, that I’d put a stop to everything I have going on right now if I meant that I could sit here for the rest of the week, and rid myself of all the stress and anxiety that’s been building up inside of me. Madison’s right. I do look tired. It’s because I am. Thankfully, Kerri’s been sleeping so well lately, that she hasn’t been able to catch on yet. I’m not sleeping well…not at all. I don’t know what it is. The dreams…they’re so horrible lately. It’s not like I’ve done anything to provoke them. I mean, I’ve been taking my medication regularly, like I’m supposed to. But they come anyway, they keep me awake…and really, I don’t know how the hell I’ve been able to be so tired and still put on a decent show for my fans. I guess it’s just my way. I’m used to being tired and performing…not this tired of course, but I guess I’ve been put through so much sh'it these past few months, I’ve learned to put up with just about anything.

“I am tired,” I confess quietly, and I wrap my arms around my knees, hugging them closely to my chest. It takes me another moment to meet her gaze, and when I finally manage to do so, I can tell she’s concerned. “The tours been exhausting me.”

She sighs and leans back in her leather chair, beginning to swivel it from side to side. “The tour or the dreams, Justin?”

I suck in my bottom lip, and look down at my Nike’s. I wish I didn’t have to tell her, but I know I do. From the beginning, I’ve promised to be honest with her. To stop now, would defeat the purpose of coming to Madison for therapy. It’s not like I want to lie or anything, it’s just the fact that I’ve been kicking my ass trying to make myself better…and the truth is, I don’t think I’ve made much progress. Yeah, I know I’m not cutting myself…and I don’t get those horrible Shane hallucinations anymore. But I mean, it’s been months and I still can’t go out in public without freaking out, even if Eric and Tiny are both with me. I was having sex…but now, I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m scared of it again, and I just…I don’t know why that is. All I know, is that the dreams have been really bad ever since I cut myself off from having sex, and it’s confusing the hell out of me. “The dreams,” I whisper.

“What happens in your dreams, Justin?”

I haven’t told anybody….not even Trace, although, I don’t tell Trace much of anything anymore. I guess that could be a big part of my problem; the fact that I don’t really talk to Trace or confide in him like I used to. The Shane thing has caused our friendship to drift apart. He’s not he same guy, and neither am I. And I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about all of this if he’s not the same person. Kerri should be the one I feel safe confiding in, but when it comes to her…I’d rather just shut my mouth and let her have her peace. Despite everything, the guilt plaguing me about dragging her into the kidnapping hasn’t left me, and all I want is for her to be happy. I guess it’s a major part of the reason why I’ve been pushing myself to make our relationship work. I may not…want it to work out, as bad as that is. But I know Kerri wants it to. I know she loves me, more than anything, and so…I guess staying with her is the only thing I can do to make up for what happened to her. It’s unhealthy and I know that, but I just don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. Maybe it’s why I’m dwindling down, losing my strength. Maybe it’s why the dreams are back full force, and maybe…maybe it’s why I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my girlfriend.

“I’m tied to a chair,” I confess weakly, barely looking over at her. I wait for Madison to question me more, but when she doesn’t, I know that she’s waiting for me to continue. The soft sound of pen scribbling on paper tells me she’s taking notes, she’s letting me have my space…and I know there’s nothing else I can do except get into all the gory details. “And it’s dark for awhile, there’s no noise. I‘m sweating…” I trail off and take a breath before shaking my head roughly. “Madison I can’t do this today.”

“Justin.”

I look at her, realizing it’s the first time I’ve ever told her that I’m not up to talking. I’m slipping. I’ve been neglecting calling her as much as I should. The tour, and Kerri, have kept my mind so preoccupied that I’ve started to get out of the whole ‘express myself’ routine. It’s not good. Madison is the only person in my life that can’t judge me when I tell her what’s going on with me. She’s the only one that’s obligated to keep what I tell her secret from the world. What the hell am I doing? “I’m sorry,“ I whimper. “I hate to be wasting your time like this. It’s just…it’s been awhile for me, you know?“

She sits up and folds her hands in front of her on the desk. “Justin, you’ve been my client long enough to know that you never waste my time when you’re here. You come here to talk to me, to tell me things that you have trouble telling other people. Frankly, I’ve been a little worried since the last time we spoke on the phone. You didn’t sound like yourself. You sounded withdrawn and tired. I wanted to blame the touring, but I knew it was something else.” She stares at me for several moments, seemingly debating something in her mind, before she speaks up again. “Justin.“

I’m silent.

“Can I ask you about Kerri?”

I look at her again. I don’t want to bring Kerri into this conversation right now. I guess I’m afraid what I’ll say, what I’ll admit not only to Madison… but to myself as well. “We’re okay,” I say quickly. “This isn’t about Kerri.”

She narrows her eyes at me. “We‘ve discussed what can happen if you lie to me.”

I rub my face with my hands. This isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m supposed to be talking to my shrink. I’m supposed to be letting out my aggressions, anxieties, and fears. Why am I hiding? Why can’t I just fu'cking admit it? Why can’t I just tell Madison that the dreams keep coming because of Kerri and the fact that I can’t handle this relationship anymore? “I can’t have sex with her anymore,” I say lightly, feeling ashamed of myself. I tremble a little. I feel sick to my stomach. “And that’s killing me because…if I can’t sex with her, doesn’t that mean that I’m gay Madison? Isn’t it just like before, when I was cutting and I couldn’t talk to Cameron or touch her?”

She shakes her head and scribbles something else down on her pad of paper. “Not being able to have intercourse doesn’t make you gay, Justin. You’ve been dealing with so much at once, that you have no time to stimulate yourself or…prepare yourself, to do that. The truth is Justin, you’re not ready for that. You haven’t been ready for it since you were raped, and honestly…I don’t know what in the world possessed you to think you had recovered enough to start sleeping with anybody.”

I lick my lips and tug at the bottom of my tee shirt for a few moments, before sighing heavily. “I thought I loved her. I mean, I do love her…” I pause and collect my thoughts for a moment, before admitting the inevitable. “Or maybe it‘s just that she loves me and I want to love her…but I can‘t love her as much, or something.”

“You can love somebody without having sex,” she informs me. “You’re so confused right now, that you think sex constitutes for love. That…having sex can convince Kerri that you love her. And I’m sure she’s so confused that she buys into that. It‘s unhealthy Justin. It‘s unhealthy for the both of you, and the best advice I can give you right now…is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. You need to be on your own for awhile, sort things out in your life, and maybe in a year or two you can try things again. But, if you continue on the path you’re going, the consequences are going to be horrible. You wont only damage yourself more, but you’ll hurt Kerri as well…and I know that’s not your intention.”

It’s not my intention to hurt Kerri. It never has been…but somehow, I’ve always managed to do it. I guess it’s because she’s always put up with me, even when I deserved to be shut out of her life forever. I guess I think I can get away with anything…having sex with her and not calling, getting her kidnapped, hitting her. Right. No other woman would deal with that sh'it. Is Kerri really that infatuated with me though? Am I it for her? Does she honestly see herself spending the rest of her life with me? Damn, I haven’t thought this through well enough. She’s…she’s so in love with me, that its turned into a sad obsession. And it’s horrible…but I know I don’t have those same feelings for her. Sure, I love her like any best friend should, and I love kissing her and helping her to feel safe. But I think…I think that’s as far as it goes, really. I mean, I guess I’ve stayed with her because it’s helped me to feel more secure about my sexuality. But that’s so selfish. I really should have given this a lot of thought before I decided to be with her again…sleep with her again. But then again, I am a little bit of a psycho. I mean hell, I’m sitting in a psychiatrists office. Why Kerri can’t see past my fake charm is beyond me…why she’s been putting up with me doesn’t make any sense. Hell, I’ve been acting like an idiot when it comes to us lately. She’s not a stupid girl either…

So what then? Does it mean she’s just waiting around for me to change back into the loveable Justin she thinks she used to love? The only answer I can provide for myself is yes, and that scares me. She’s become obsessed with making this work out between us, and I guess I know Madison is right. I need to end this…I need to end it before something horrible happens. Something I can’t go back and fix. Yeah, I need to do a lot of things…but that doesn’t mean I’ll actually go through with them. I shrug a little, and look at Madison again. “I know I need to do something. I know…I know I shouldn’t be in a relationship with Kerri right now, Madison. But I’m afraid to be alone. As it is, Trace is so distant now and if I didn’t have Kerri I don’t know where I would be mentally. What am I supposed to do if I break up with her and she leaves me? That’s…that’s why I wound up in here the last time…I couldn’t handle being alone.”

“The point of your therapy, Justin, is learning how to rely on yourself again,” she nods. “Now, I know you’re scared. I know you’re still insecure about going outside and facing the world. But…how will you ever overcome your fear if you don’t put that first foot forward and try to do it on your own? Justin, you need to realize…the longer you put this off, the harder its going to be to do it.”

“I know that,” I tell her. “But it’s not that easy okay?” I’m feel my face start to burn and my bottom lip starts to tremble. I’m losing it…I’m losing it but I guess it’s okay, because I’m in Madison’s office and nobody else is around to see how pathetic I am. “Every sound, every person that passes by me or brushes against me scares the hell out of me,” I whimper. “I keep thinking I can do it, that I can face the world again. But then I try, and I get so scared that somebody is going to try and hurt me again. I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I can’t be strong like I should be.” I hug my knees closer to my chest and lean my head against the window. A moment later I’m sobbing hard, the tears travel down my face in thick streams…and I realize I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to cry this much. It’s sort of a release…I even start to feel better, but I know this isn’t what I wanted to do in front of Madison today. I wanted to show her how much I’ve improved since our last visit, but all I’ve done is shown her that I’m even weaker than I was before this tour began.

“Take a breath.”

I feel her hand fall lightly on my shoulder, and I do as she’s told me. “Why is this happening,” I ask her, my voice quivering with every word. “I just want to be happy.”

“You will be,” she reassures me, rubbing her hand across my back in a soothing, circular motion. “But you need to give yourself a chance Justin. You’ve been through something that nobody should ever have to go through, and it’s going to take a lot more than a few months to feel normal again. You know that, and I wish you would stop trying to force yourself to do things your clearly not ready to do.”

I cry some more, and Madison sits back down and lets me. There’s nothing else she can do, really. These are my emotions and this is how I’m handling them for now. Another twenty minutes pass, and I’m able to calm down a little bit. I realize I need to tell her something else…something that maybe she’ll be able to help me with, tell me what to do. “Madison,” I croak.

“Yes, Justin.”

“I…I’ve been talking to Cameron,” I get out, praying that she won’t give me the third degree about it…tell me that I’m a horrible person.

Her eyes widen a little, and a small smile forms on her lips. “Have you?”

I’m confused. “You’re not angry?”

“Angry?,” she chuckles. “Why on earth would I be angry? I know it’s been awhile since you’ve spoken to her, and I figured that eventually…she would try to contact you again . I think it’s a good thing that you speak with her, Justin. She was a big part of your life, and even though you two broke up under stressful circumstances…she still understands part of what you were going through. I think it’s a positive step.”

She’s probably the one person that won’t give me grief about the decision I’ve made to see Cameron again. And so with this in mind, I take a deep breath and decide to tell her about my plans. “So then, it doesn’t make me a bad person for inviting her out here?”

Madison raises an eyebrow. “She’s a friend, correct?”

I chew on my bottom lip for a moment. “I think she might be a little more than just a friend, Mad.”

She nods and shoots me a knowing look. “You haven’t discussed this with Kerri.”

I shake my head. I’ve wanted to tell her, really, I have. But I’ve been so caught up with these party plans, and Kerri has seemed so happy lately that I haven’t wanted to spoil her mood. I know that makes me a horrible boyfriend, a horrible person…but I’m terrified of what her reaction to the news will be. I’m afraid she’ll leave me. I’m a fu'cking wimp. “No,” I say. “I haven’t.”

“You know it’s very important that you do, right Justin?”

“Yes,” I whisper. “But I don’t know if she’ll understand why I need to see Cameron again.”

She puts her index finger to her lips, and seems to consider what I’ve said for several moments. Then she sits up a little straighter, and lets out a long breath. “She may not understand, Justin. But, it’s not really her place to. Cameron is part of your life, and only your life. I know you wish she wasn’t, I know deep inside you wish Kerri and Cameron could have met and became friends…but the truth is, that’s not how things are. Now, you have every right to see Cameron again, and I think it’s a good idea that you do it. I’m sure there is a lot that you’ve been meaning to tell her, and explain to her. If you don’t do it now, I don’t know when you will.”

She’s absolutely right, but I still feel horrible. Cameron and I have been speaking for a couple of weeks now, and I haven’t even attempted to tell Kerri about it. Sure, I told Trace…just because I knew she bumped into him and I couldn’t keep it from him. I’m not sure if he’s going to tell Kerri, but he was pretty pissed off at me for not telling her about it, so I wouldn’t be shocked if he went ahead and did. It doesn’t really matter. I wont be mad at Trace, because I know Kerri deserves to know the truth. I guess I’m more afraid of how it’s going to effect our relationship. Like it or not, Cam is my ex girlfriend. Somebody I loved. Somebody I had sex with and laughed with and cried with. I cared about her…probably as much as I care about Kerri, and it scares me…but I’m deathly afraid that when I see Cam again, all of those feelings I had for her are going to come rushing back full force. “What can I do?” I sigh, and slap my hands on my thighs. “I can’t tell Cam not to come…I already said I want to have lunch with her a couple of days from now. I guess, I’ll just have to sit down and talk to Kerri about all of this.” I shake my head and rub my face with my hands. “Hopefully she wont walk out on me.”

Madison smiles a little. “Kerri loves you, Justin. I don’t think she could walk away from you right now, even if she wanted to. Maybe this will give her some time to think about what she needs to make her life better …”

She trails off and I know what she’s hinting at. She wants me to talk Kerri into coming down here, so they can talk. I’m a little surprised at Madison, just because she knows Kerri has no desire to come to therapy and discuss her feelings with a shrink. Maybe Madison just sees this as an opportunity. She knows my having Cameron come around will confuse Kerri, and she probably thinks all of that confusion will provoke her to seek professional help. But really, she doesn’t know how stubborn Kerri can be. The girl would lock herself in her bedroom for days before going to see a shrink. While that still confuses me, I don’t ask her too many questions about it. I know Kerri has her reasons for not wanting to talk to anybody but me. She’s very insecure about what happened to her, she blames herself for things that she had no control over…like the rape, and the fact that Shane held her over my head the whole time. It wasn’t her fault, and I’ve tried to convince her of this time and time again…but she doesn’t seem to believe it. “I’ll go home and talk to her,” I promise. “I guess…I’ve been holding out way too long.”

“You have,” Madison agrees. “But I think things are going to start to change for you, Justin. You’re going to start getting a lot better…I can see it, I know it.”

And I don’t know why, but somehow, I know she’s right. She’s right about me, that my life is going to turn around. And maybe I’ve just been so caught up in my own hectic schedule that I haven’t really noticed how much stronger I’ve become since the rape. Sitting here now in the tranquility of Madison’s office is allowing my mind to settle…I can sort of focus. And I think if I really tried, I could go outside for a walk around the block, without a blockade surrounding me, and be somewhat okay. Right. I’m going to be okay, eventually. I just need to focus on what’s important…and stop trying to fix everything.

But what’s going to happen to Kerri?