atr28

Last night was hard, and because of that, I’m in no mood to sit here and dwell on the fact that it’s my birthday. Unfortunately for me, both my boyfriend and Trace have used today as an excuse to have a free for all. After shoving his Amex in my back pocket, Justin proceeded to kick me out of the house at ten to nine this morning, so Trace could drag me out to the mall. He was excited. Elisha had given him a few gift cards the night before as a birthday present, and as everybody knows…Trace is a shop-a-holic at heart. Naturally, his excitement confused me a bit, as our conversation the day before had uncovered the true drama that was once again unfolding in his relationship. I didn’t think he would have been so accepting of her gifts, or been as enthusiastic to go out and enjoy himself, since he’d been so miserable that day. But I couldn’t ask questions. I was too tired and miserable to care, as Justin had kept me awake the night before…groping me and confusing me more than I wanted to be. It strange that I considered it groping of course, since I’ve been so concerned about the recent lack of sex in our relationship. But I don’t know, I guess I felt he was forcing himself to touch and kiss me. He was really quiet when he came back from Madison’s, and while I wanted to ask him about it…I felt uncomfortable. I knew the conversation would lead into what Trace had told me about Cameron, and I was pretty sure I didn’t want to get into that subject. I didn’t know what to expect from him if he found out I knew…and I definitely didn’t want the situation to turn ugly.

So I went to bed around nine, barely saying goodnight to him as I retreated up the stairs.

He’d come up a few hours later, and while I was still wide awake, I pretended to be fast asleep…hoping that he wouldn’t want to wake me so we would both be able to sleep our anxieties away. Of course, since Justin knows me better than anybody else, it didn’t take him long to realize that I wasn’t asleep. He proceeded to roll on top of me then, and kiss my cheek before asking me if I was okay. I hadn’t wanted to answer him…but I figured it would have been stupid to play dead any longer. I’d opened my eyes and seen his worried expression, and while I hadn’t wanted to deal with my boyfriend at that particular moment, I figured I didn’t have much of a choice. “I’m all right, Justin,“ I’d muttered and shifted out from under him.

“Babe.” He hadn’t hesitated to shift back over and wrap his arms around me. “But it’s your birthday.”

I opened my mouth to give it to him straight, to tell him that I thought it was wrong he was keeping something so simple from me and acting like it was okay. I wanted to tell him I was fed up with secrets, that we’d been put through too much and we didn’t need to deal with anything like that anymore. But when he smiled at me, told me he loved me, and kissed my forehead, I couldn’t get the words out. I don’t know, I guess I could have been a lot stronger. I guess I shouldn’t have let him have his way with me. But after weeks of being sexually deprived of my boyfriend, it felt good to be the center of his attention again. We had sex for hours. That groaning, moaning kind of sex that tires you out and makes you want to lay in bed for days. Well…that’s what it did to Justin anyway. When we were through, he proceeded to turn over on his stomach and pass the hell out, probably assuming that I was going to do the same.

But I didn’t do the same.

As I lied there in the darkness, I began to wonder what had provoked Justin to have sex with me in the first place. He’d been quiet all afternoon, and well into the evening, not muttering so much as a thank you when I refilled his soda cup and plate of pizza. I didn’t want to believe that we’d had sex simply to rid him of his insecurities, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to be the truth. I’d wrapped my arms around my naked body, and curled myself up into a ball…not wanting any part of my boyfriend at that moment. I felt like I’d been used…like some kind of sex toy. I realized that Trace had been right about what he’d said to me on the beach. I was Justin’s sex aid…I was letting him have his way with me because I wanted to love the person I grew up with. But I wasn’t dating the Justin I grew up with. I was dating the Justin that I’d been separated from for three years. The Justin that had moved on with his life, and would have continued to do so…without me, if it hadn’t been for our unfortunate occurrence.

And I felt so dirty.

I found myself sitting inside the shower a few minutes later, not knowing how I’d managed to get there without waking Justin, and not really caring either. I’d let myself cry under the shower head; hoping that the warm, soothing water would help wash away the dirty mess that I’d become. Of course, after a half hour of this I realized it wasn’t getting me anywhere. My skin was wrinkled, the water had long since turned cold…and I was freezing. I’d turned the water off and sat there for awhile more, hoping …for whatever stupid reason, that Justin might have caught on to what I was doing. But I didn’t hear him stirring around in the bedroom, and I knew he was still asleep.

I eventually found the strength to slip into my pajamas and back into bed. Justin didn’t wake of course, but I was glad. I was in no mood to answer his questions as to why I was awake…and I definitely wasn’t in the mood for his intimacy. I drifted off after awhile, my mind filled with more insecurity and pain that I’d felt in a long time. And that was probably why, when my boyfriend jerked me awake at eight am, I was in such a foul mood. He didn’t seem to understand why I was staggering around, tired and grumpy…and no, I didn’t offer him an explanation. Maybe it’s why he kicked me out of the house…maybe I confused him…

Maybe when we get back to the house, Cameron will be there and Justin will tell me he doesn’t love me anymore.

“You know, most people are more enthusiastic on their birthdays Kerri.” Trace pulls the car into the driveway, and puts it in park before turning to face me. “Come on girl, I know all that sh'it from the other day is still running through your mind…but it’s your birthday.” He smiles and kisses my cheek. “Hell, it’s mine too. Let’s try and enjoy what’s left of the day, all right?”

I cross my arms and sink down into the leather seat. “I’m confused,” I mutter. “I don’t care whose birthday it is, Trace.”

“You’re only confused because you won’t confront him.” He unbuckles his seatbelt and lets it slide through his hand and back into place, before he opens his door. “So you can’t blame Justin. I know what he’s doing is fu'cked up. But Kerri I mean…you know he’s sort of a coward when it comes to admitting his faults right now, and he can’t just come out and tell you he’s been talking to his ex girlfriend. You have to be the one to do it, Ker. You have to be the one to bring it up.”

I let out a defeated sigh. Sure, I know everything he’s telling me is right and good and stuff…but I’m not in the mood to be told I’m not doing the right thing, that it’s all on me. Justin is my boyfriend, we’re not supposed to have secrets, but just because he was raped it seems that he’s allowed to do certain things…not tell me certain things, and be excused for it. “Whatever,” I whisper, as I get out of the car. “I can’t wait to just lay in bed and fall asleep.”

He opens the back door and pulls the majority of our shopping bags off of the seat, before looking at me again. “Well, I know it doesn’t constitute for much,” he mutters. “But happy birthday, Kerri.”

He looks sad, let down, and I know it’s because of me. Trace and I have always made it a point to enjoy ourselves on our special day…always spending it together, shopping and having a good time. I really would have liked today to go that way too. When we were at the mall, I wanted so badly to let loose, laugh, and try on a million different outfits…but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. For one, I had Justin’s credit card, and while I knew he couldn’t have cared less about how much I charged to his account…I still did. Yeah, I bought a couple of pairs of sneakers and a new pair of jeans; but that was only because Justin had called Trace halfway through our shopping day and asked him if I was having a good time. I knew that if I didn’t come home with something, it would have hurt Justin’s feelings. Really, this is the first birthday in three years that he’s gotten to spend with me and I know he’s wanted it to be really nice. Unfortunately, everything is so @#%$ confusing right now…it was really hard to have any kind of fun today.

“Happy birthday, Trace.” I force a smile and he pulls me into a hug. It’s a long hug, a meaningful one, and once I force myself to pull away from him, he looks deep into my eyes. He’s silent, he’s…staring at me, and it’s weird… “Trace,” I whisper.

“Yeah.”

“Are…“ He won’t stop staring at me. It’s like he’s just realized something about me that he never has before. It’s scaring me. I don’t know what it is…but it’s weird and confusing, and definitely something I have no time to deal with today…or any day. “Are you all right?”

He sucks in a breath and laughs lightly. “I’m good.” He continues to chuckle as he picks up our shopping bags, and he doesn’t say anything else to me as we make our way toward the house. Yeah, I guess it was just one of those random weird moments we have. I forgot about them. How I’ve sometimes caught him staring at me…smiling at me. Every few years I was convinced he had a crush on me, but then I told myself it was only because he was a guy and I was a girl. Besides, Trace could never view me that way…sexually. It would be too awkward. We’re best friends, and that’s how things need to stay.

“It’s quiet,” I say, as Trace sticks his key into Justin’s door. I feel the paranoia begin to build up inside of me. Usually when I arrive home from a trip to the store or something, I can always hear the TV blaring or music playing. Justin doesn’t like a quiet house when I’m not around. He’s told me that he can hear all the little creaks and squeaks that the house makes, and it makes him jumpy. But the house is silent right now, I can’t hear a damn thing, and I have no idea what that means. Is Justin okay? Did he get hurt? Did somebody break in and do something to him?

Oh god…

“Trace, open the door,” I say frantically, when he can’t seem to find the right key. “Come on!”

He looks at me and frowns. “Damn girl, hang on a second.” He shakes his head and reaches into his pocket, pulling a second set of keys out a moment later. “I had the wrong set of keys.”

“It’s too quiet,” I say, nervously. “Something’s wrong.”

But he just rolls his eyes at me. “You always think something’s wrong,” he informs me. “He’s probably out on the sun deck…you know how he likes to do that when you’re not here.”

After what seems like an eternity, he finally finds the right key and pushes the door open. I practically knock him down as I shove past him and into the house, and I can hear him mumble a few angry remarks at me as I do so…but I don’t care. I’m too scared. The house is dark, silent…and all I can think is that something terrible has happened. “Justin…where the hell are you!” I yell. I can hear Trace behind me, telling me to calm down, but of course I don’t listen. I frantically feel around for the light switch, never more thankful when I’m able to find it and flick it the lights on…

And what happens next nearly makes me pee myself.

“SURPRISE!”

I stand there, in complete and utter shock. More than fifty smiling faces stand before Trace and I, all people that I’ve come to know over the years as friends and close acquaintances. I’m pretty sure I can see JC in the crowd, as well as Nick from back home…then there’s Elisha, and wow…I think I see Siobhan and Scott. How the hell did they know about this?

“Sorry…” Justin emerges from the crowd a moment later, and shuffles over to me, planting a loving kiss on my lips. “I didn’t think you’d be comfortable with it, but Elisha thought it would be cool. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I just…didn’t know if you were or not.” I immediately wrap my arms around him, and lean my head on his chest. I want to look up at him right now, let him know that I love him, but I can’t seem to do it. I find that I’m trembling, my mind wants me to break down and start sobbing…but I wont do it in front of all these people. I bury my face deeper into his muscular chest, the only thought running through my mind is that he’s okay. He’s okay, he’s not going anywhere, and there is no question in my mind that he still loves me. I can’t look back at Trace right now, but if I could I would probably send him that ‘I told you so’ look. “You planned this?” I whisper.

He laughs lightly. “Yeah, pretty retarded right?”

I manage to pick my head up and look at him after a moment, flashing him a genuine smile for the first time in weeks. “No,” I say, caressing his cheek lightly with my hand. “I-I just wasn’t expecting it, that‘s all.”

He shrugs and bites his bottom lip. I can tell he’s insecure about this whole thing…the people, the loud noises and the music that’s now blasting through his home. Normally, he wants nothing to do with this sort of thing, but he’s doing it for me. He’s doing it for me, because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. And I feel horrible for letting myself think that our relationship was falling apart simply because he’s been dealing with some different things lately. Sure, he’s been keeping things to himself that he shouldn’t be, and while it hurt me to find out about it…I realize that I can’t be angry at him right now. I’ll let it blow over because I know how much he’s sacrificing for me tonight. Hell, after tonight, I might let the whole thing blow over for good.

“Come on,” he says, giving me a quick peck on the lips. He pulls away from me and laces his fingers through mine. “I got a bunch of people who want to see you.”

I hang onto his hand tightly as he leads me into the crowd, hoping that whoever we bump into first will be somebody I’m comfortable with…somebody I know pretty well. While I know that Justin wouldn’t let anybody he doesn’t know inside his house at this stage in his life, I know that people can bring ‘friends of friends’ to parties like this, and that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be introduced to a stranger, I don’t want them to realize I’m the girl that…got put through what Justin got put through. They’ll want to know too much, and it’s none of their damn business. A wave of relief washes over me when the first person that stops us is JC. Despite the fact that I haven’t seen the guy in almost four years, it’s still a familiar face…and I find myself melting into the conversation easily. He doesn’t ask either of us any confusing questions, or bring up anything ridiculous…but then again, I know JC and I know he wouldn’t do that. He’s a friend, a close one, and I’m never more thankful when he invites us to sit at a table with him a few of our other close friends.

We spend a good hour there, just talking…reminiscing about better days past. It’s been so long since Justin and I have been able to relax like this, it almost seems like a foreign concept to me. So foreign in fact, that when JC finally excuses himself to go dance with the beautiful brunette he brought with him, I quickly ask Justin if we can get some air and he happily agrees. I pull him away from the table, part of me wishing that I could get up the courage to convince my boyfriend to dance with me…but I wont. I know Justin isn’t up for it…he never is, and I don’t want to push him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Hell, he’s sacrificed enough as it is, allowing this many people into the house tonight, so I’ll be happy just sitting in a quiet corner and cuddling with him.

As we push our way through the mass of people partying in Justin‘s living room, I remember Trace…and that I haven‘t seen him since I snapped on the lights. I look back over my shoulder and scan the crowd for my best friend. After a moment or two, I spot him on the other side of the living room, Elisha in his arms. It looks like she’s crying and I don’t know why, all I know is that it worries me. I see him kiss her, and I silently hope that everything is okay. I’d hate for them to break up on his birthday…but I know Trace loves her, and I know he’s trying to hold sh'it together…

But then I see her kiss him one last time, long and hard…seemingly trying to make it last. And then she walks away from him. Trace looks lost, and when I see him miserably plop down into a chair and put his head in his hands, I feel like its my duty to go over and ask him what happened. But Justin is still holding my hand, and when I manage to look over at him again, he’s smiling at me. I know I can’t just leave him right now, and I know I can’t tell him about Trace; because as hard as it is for me to admit…he wont really give a damn.

“You okay baby?” Justin speaks up loudly over the music, and pulls me close to his side.

“Yeah.” I force a smile for him. “I’m okay.”

We finally manage to make our way out of the crowd and over to a quieter portion of the room. “Hey…,” he says, leading me over to the love seat in the corner. “I’m sorry about last night.”

I shoot him a confused look. “What about last night?”

He lets out a long breath and runs his fingers through my hair. “Things haven’t been going that way with us for awhile…and last night, I guess I sort of pushed you into it. I didn’t’ want to do that,” he says quietly, and looks down at his lap. “It confused me.”

It’s crazy that he has a lot of the same feelings about last night as I do. He knows we rushed into it…he knows it was weird, and now he feels bad about it. The notion that he doesn’t care and he never did is starting to seem ridiculous. I guess… Justin does care. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have gone to all this trouble to throw me a party. He wouldn’t be sitting here holding my hand and apologizing for confusing the hell out of me when we had sex, and he certainly wouldn’t be kissing me like he’s kissing me right now either. It’s just a confusing time in our relationship, I know that now. He may have his quirks, he may be talking to a woman that I feel extremely uncomfortable around…but he still loves me. I’m still his girlfriend. Trace can’t see it, he doesn’t trust Justin and I have to understand that and let him have his opinions. But I know how I feel…and I know how Justin feels…

And right now, I feel like we’re the luckiest people in the world.

“There are bedrooms here you know. At least I think there are.”

The voice is feminine, and I can’t deny that I know exactly who it is. It shocks me, and I quickly stop kissing Justin to look back at who I’m sure is Siobhan. When I find that I’m right, I force a smile for her, and Justin quickly grabs onto my hand again. He squeezes it tightly…he’s nervous. Part of me almost wishes she hadn‘t come, even though that’s horrible to think. Siobhan is one of my best friends, and she flew out from New York to be here for my birthday. But at the same time, I know her opinions of Justin, and I know that he isn’t comfortable around her. It’s only going to be a matter of time before this entire situation turns into a big mess. “Hi…” I give her a small hug, and quickly return to my seat so I can lean into Justin again. “I…wow, I can’t believe you’re here Siobhan.”

She smiles, but its not a genuine smile, it‘s a sarcastic one. She’s looking past me, right into Justin’s eyes. I can feel him squirm a little bit. She’s making him more nervous than he is already and I want to smack her. There’s no reason for her to act like this. In fact, I’m sure if it wasn’t for Justin she wouldn’t even be here. He probably found her number somehow and told her about this party. God, he did that and he knows that she can’t stand him. It amazes me that he would put himself in this type of a situation for my sake…and knowing that, I’m certainly not going to sit here and let her have her way with him right now.

“Yeah well, Justin called me and told me about it ,and I thought…why not? I never get to see you anymore as it is, Kerri.“ She snaps her bubble gum and fingers a long strand of brown hair around her manicured finger. “I left your present on that table by the door. It‘s the first season of Fraggle Rock,” she giggles. “I didn’t think you had it out here.”

Normally I’d giggle along with her, as Fraggle Rock has been one of the many things we’ve used to occupy ourselves when we’ve been hung over, or just plain old sick in bed. In a way, that show is almost like a symbol of our friendship. Well…the friendship we used to have anyway. I don’t know if Siobhan really understands how much I’ve separated myself from her and our other friends since the incident. I’m a different person now, Justin and Trace are my life. I’ve changed myself so the three of us can have an easier time getting through this. While it’s probably not the best thing I could have done when it comes to me and Siobhan, I really don’t know what other choice I had. My friends needed me and I wasn’t going to be selfish and stay in New York while they suffered together. I know Siobhan is still hurt by all of it, and it’s probably why she decided to come out to this party. She wanted to see Justin face to face so she could act like a little @#%$ and show him how much she dislikes him. It makes me want to tell her off…tell her to go back to New York; because she’s clearly not here to celebrate my birthday, she’s just here to make Justin feel like sh'it. “Thanks Siobhan,” I whisper.

“Hey babe.” Scott comes up behind her a moment later, and hands her a glass of punch, before kissing her cheek and smiling down at me. “Kerri, this is a great fu'ckin' party. Even better than the Hamptons on the weekends. You gotta do this again!”

I let out a nervous chuckle, and try my best not to roll my eyes at Siobhan’s annoying boyfriend. I almost look back to Justin, so I can tell him that I need to go outside for some fresh air…but something catches me off guard before I can look his way. There in the background, maybe three feet behind Scott, is somebody I’d nearly forgotten about. Somebody I hadn’t bothered to tell Justin about…somebody I never thought I’d see again.

“Hey Cooper!” Scott looks back over his shoulder and motions for him to come closer. “Come on man…nobody’s gonna bite you,” he laughs.

My mouth hangs open a little, and I stare at Siobhan in disbelief. She grins devilishly, and kisses her boyfriend due to the excitement of embarrassing the hell out of me.

“Who‘s he?” I hear Justin gasp in my ear. “I didn’t invite him.”

I would answer him, but as Cooper steps forward I find that I can’t find my voice. This is probably the worst thing Siobhan could have done to me tonight, and really…I don’t know how I’m going to be able to forgive her. Doesn’t she realize how hard it is for Justin to deal with complete strangers? Fu'ck, he was kidnapped. She can’t just waltz strangers up into his house like this. I swear to god…I never thought she would stoop so low. I mean, I know that she can be a snot sometimes, and she can be a conniving little bi'tch too. But to invite this guy out to Justin’s, simply because she doesn’t like the fact that he’s my boyfriend is ridiculous. I look at Justin, and I want to die. He looks terrified. His face is pale, he looks like he wants to vomit…and of course, I know why. “He’s just a friend,” I manage say after a moment.

“Hey.” Cooper doesn’t look me in the eye when he finally speaks up. It doesn’t even seem like he wants to be here, and the more I think about it…he probably wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for Siobhan’s conniving ways. I’m sure she spent hours convincing him why he should come out here. She probably said: ‘Oh she’ll be so happy to see you! You have to come! Who cares if she has an insecure boyfriend? I’m Siobhan and I don’t have to care about anybody else but myself!’ Well okay, the whole caring about herself thing is probably far fetched…but I’m pissed right now, and I have a fu'cking right to be.

“Hi, Cooper.” I mutter.

“Who the hell are you?” I hear Justin grunt out. He’s becoming angrier with each passing second, and he’s squeezing my hand so hard right now that it’s cutting off my circulation. I want to drag him away, upstairs where he can yell at me and nobody else. He’s not thinking straight right now. The fact that ton of our other close friends are within earshot of this conversation isn’t bothering him. Justin doesn‘t know Cooper, and I’m positive that this fact alone is enough to ruin his mood for the rest of the evening..

“God,” Siobhan laughs. “Possessive much, Justin? Afraid Kerri will realize how much better off she could be without you?”

My eyes widen. “Siobhan!”

Then Justin proceeds to blow a gasket. He quickly rises from the loveseat and steps up to Siobhan, pressing his face dangerously close to hers. “Listen you little bi'tch…”

He grabs her arm and yanks her closer to him. Siobhan gasps, and I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. He’s not thinking right now . There is a strange man in his house, and Siobhan is the cause of it…that’s the only thing he can focus his mind on right now. My god, he’s becoming enraged, and…and I know what he’s capable of when this happens…

“Justin!” I yell and jump up from the comforts of the love seat. “Justin don’t!”

But the fact that I’m telling him not to touch my friend isn’t what makes him stop. It’s because Scott’s decided to take matters into his own hands. He yells some kind of obscenity, before grabbing Justin by the scruff of his neck and slamming him up against the wall. I stand there, and take this all in with wide, frightened eyes. I want to cry out for Scott to stop…for somebody to help us , but I can’t do it. My throat is dry, hell…I think I might have stopped breathing. I’m frozen. And then…I hear the music stop. Everybody must be staring, and I know that later on I’m going to be even more embarrassed than I already am. But right now…I can’t dwell on all of that. Scott is ready to punch Justin…like Shane did. And Justin doesn’t look like he knows where he is, or who has him pinned against the wall. He’s in tears, begging Scott to stop touching him…

“Please don’t!” Justin pleads, like he’s back in that house and Shane is about to…about to…

“Let him go!” Trace comes bounding over out of nowhere, Tiny right behind him. I whimper and cover my face with my hands.

This is about to get really, really bad.

“That motherfu'cker was about to hit my girlfriend!” I hear Scott exclaim after a moment. It causes me to uncover my face, and I find that Tiny has one of Scott’s arms twisted behind his back, demanding an explanation for what he did to Justin.

“Justin,” Tiny says gently. “Go upstairs.”

Justin gasps a little bit. “But…”

“Sh'it, Justin,” Trace says through gritted teeth. “Get the hell out of here okay?”

My boyfriend looks over at me after that, and holds his hand out for me to take. He wants me to come upstairs with him, but…but I don’t want to. I know what he’s going to do once we’re alone. He’ll yell, he’ll scream…and god forbid I say the wrong thing. I don’t want to be hit again, as bad as it is to think that Justin would do it to me. “I’ll be up later,” I say softly. “Just go lie in bed and calm down a little.”

My comment only seems to make him angrier, but I guess I should expect that. “I can’t fu'cking believe you,” he mutters under his breath. “You’re supposed to understand.”

I know I can’t take anymore stress right now, so I walk away from him. I think I hear Siobhan call after me, but I completely ignore her. I pray that she doesn’t follow me out to the pool, and when she doesn’t…I figure that she’s either left or Trace has prevented her from bothering me right now. I sit down on the end of a lounge chair and bury my face in my hands. I’m alone, so I know its okay to cry…and I do. Nobody comes out to check on me. I guess they feel its better if I have my privacy or something, because the music has started blasting again and I know the party is carrying on without incident. I figure it must be Trace’s or Elisha’s doing…but that’s okay. If the party stopped because my stupid friends couldn’t control themselves, I would feel even more like a failure. I guess it’s why I allow myself to cry even harder, for what seems like hours. When I’m able to stop, I collapse onto the lounge chair I’ve been sitting on, hoping I can regain enough of my composure to go back in the house and ask Trace what the hell is going on.

The sound of the door sliding open causes me to jump a little bit, but I don’t look over at whoever it is that’s decided to disturb me. I figure it’s either Trace, Elisha…or a couple of people that have decided to come out here and make out or something. So I remain with my back to the door, hoping that whoever it is will decide to just leave me alone.

“I’m really sorry.”

The voice is masculine, but I know it’s not Trace’s. His voice is a lot deeper, a little bit gravely. This voice is smooth, calming, and kind. So kind in fact, that something inside of me is longing to find out who it is. But I’m afraid. I don’t think I’m in the mood to deal with anybody I don’t know right now; but then again…by the sound of remorse in his voice, I’m starting to think that whoever it is must know me a little bit. So I turn over, and when I find Cooper standing before me, his hands shoved in his pockets, I want to kick myself for being so curious. “Don’t be,” I mutter. “Just go back inside.”

“She shouldn’t have done that,” he continues, softly. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to you. I know I don’t really know you all that well, but…she told me who you are and what happened to you, Kerri. She had no place bringing me out here or…saying what she said to Justin tonight. She‘s wrong.”

I don’t know why he’s trying to make me feel better. Really, he doesn’t know me at all and he has no idea what kind of misery and destruction I can bring into his life if he tries to befriend me. He’s better off turning his back on me now…so I don’t have the chance to bring him down along with the rest of the people in my life. “You don’t have to stand here and explain Siobhan to me,” I mutter. “I already know how she is, and I know why she did what she did, Cooper.”

“Still, I feel like if I hadn‘t agreed to come along…none of this would of happened. I basically ruined your birthday, so just let me apologize all right?” I feel him sit down on the end of the chair I’m laying on and I pray that Justin is nowhere close by. I don’t want to think about what he would do if he saw what was going on right now. He’d try to kick Cooper’s ass…I know he would. It’s horrible to think that Justin is so messed up from all of this, he’s become violent. I never knew Justin as anything but gentle and caring. Sure, if you got him pissed off he could be cold and stubborn, but that was the extent of his anger. He never grabbed people, he never took a swing at anybody…not around me anyway. It pains me to think that he’s changed so much…that I have to watch myself around him. That I have to live in fear of him sometimes.

It’s funny. It’s only been a couple of days since Trace told me everything about ‘the real Justin’, and it‘s only now that I‘m starting to let myself believe that it‘s all true. I don’t want to. I want to believe it’s all a big lie, and go lay with Justin and tell him everything is okay. But everything isn’t okay. Despite the fact that Siobhan was an annoying little bi'tch tonight, it didn’t give Justin the right to practically resort to violence in order to solve the problem. It scares me that he would want to hurt somebody that’s so close to me…but of course I know he wasn’t thinking clearly. His mind was clouded and he probably didn’t even know what he was about to do. But…if that’s the case, then shouldn’t he be back in Orange Valley?

I can’t believe I’m thinking this way. Why in the world would I want him to go back to that hell?

“Fine,” I speak up. “Apology accepted. You can go now. I need to be alone.”

“Can I ask you something?”

I want to tell him no, and that I’m going to sick Tiny on him if he keeps bothering me. But when I look at him, and see him flash me that kind smile I fell in love with the night I was drunk, I find that I can barely frown at him. I don’t want to. He seems so…pure. So gentle and nice, and innocent. He never meant to make me upset, I realize. He never wanted to bring any trouble to this party. He came because he thought I’d want him here, as crazy as that is. So I guess I owe it to him to give in a little. “Okay,” I huff.

“Why would you want to be alone, after you’ve endured something so horrible?”

I sit up slowly, and stare him…amazed that he had the nerve to ask me something so personal. “You don’t know the first thing about what happened to me.”

He shrugs. “I can tell it’s made you withdraw from the rest of the human race.”

“No.” I shake my head roughly, trying to tell him that he’s wrong…even though he’s so right that it’s scaring the hell out of me. “I‘m not withdrawn,” I lie. “Siobhan may think so…because I left her to come out and be with Justin. And I guess she has the right to think that way. But I’m a lot better than I was in the beginning. I mean…Justin helps me, and we love each other so…” I trail off and run a nervous hand through my hair. I have no idea why I’m telling him any of this right now. It’s none of his business…he doesn’t know me that well and he certainly doesn’t know Justin. “Look,” I sigh. “Thanks for coming out. I’m not angry with you, and it--it was good to see you. I didn‘t forget how much you helped me that night when I was too drunk to know what I was doing.” I take a deep breath to keep myself from bursting into tears all over again. “But I think it’s better if you just go back inside and enjoy the rest of the party right now. It’s not the best night to for us to sit here and talk about all of this…everything‘s a mess.”

He nods slowly, seeming to understand why I feel we can‘t talk, and he rises to his feet. “I’m actually staying with my Dad…it’s part of the reason I came out here,” he informs me. “So I’m going to be here for a couple of more days if you want to, you know…do lunch or something. I can give you my number…”

“Kerri…I’ve been looking all over for you!”

My body tenses up when I hear Trace’s voice. Sh'it, I don’t want him to get angry that I’ve been talking to Cooper. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea and think that I’m trying to hurt Justin. “I’m okay,” I tell him. “I just needed some air and…” I bite my lip and glance up at Cooper quickly. He flashes me a little smirk, and while it confuses me, it puts me more at ease than anything.

“I needed some air too,” he tells Trace, while making his way over to the door. “I’m Cooper by the way.”

Trace doesn’t smile, doesn’t shake his hand…and actually, he looks like he wants to punch the guy. It causes me to groan inwardly, because Trace has no reason to be nasty to Cooper. Actually, nobody really has a reason to be nasty to him. Justin is so insecure about everyone and everything, of course I don’t blame him for freaking out tonight…but it doesn’t mean it was right, and it doesn’t mean Cooper is a bad person. In fact, part of me can see him becoming my friend. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy to judge people, and I know that’s one quality that I need in my friends right now.

“I know who you are,” Trace grunts, before shooting me a confused glance. “And really man, you shouldn’t be out here alone with Justin’s girlfriend. Things can happen to you.”

“Things,” Cooper laughs a little. “Are you threatening me?”

“Trace.” I get up from the lounge chair and put my hands on my hips, sending him an angry glare. “Stop it. Right now.”

Trace frowns a little, and I’m sure he knows his comment was way out of line. I guess the night has been so confusing though, that it’s put him more on edge than he’s been in awhile. I can’t blame him for acting like an a'ss, but I’m not going to stand here and let him get away with it either.

“It was good seeing you again, Kerri,” Cooper says, as he slides open the glass door. “Maybe I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Oh…yeah.” I flash him a small smile as he waves goodbye to me, and a moment later he’s disappeared into the house. I feel my heart sink a little…I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because he’s a really nice guy. Or maybe it’s because I felt so comfortable talking to him before. I wish I could get to know him a little better…become his friend. In fact, I probably would be friends with him if things were different. If my life hadn’t been turned upside down, and I was still able to go to school and live with Siobhan.

“Nice to see you again?” Trace speaks up, immediately. “What the hell did he mean by that?”

I shake my head and turn away from him. “I can’t have friends now either, Trace?”

“Please,” he mutters. A moment later he’s beside me, lighting up a cigarette. “I know who you’re friends with Ker, remember?” He pauses and inhales slowly, before blowing the smoke out through his nose. “I’ve been to your little dorm parties and met all your preppie little NYU friends. You never introduced me to any Cooper…and…you certainly haven’t smiled like you’re smiling right now, in a hell of a long time. Call me crazy but…I don’t get it.”

I didn’t even realize that I’ve been standing here, smiling like an idiot. I don’t really know why I am. I guess it just feels good to know that somebody else in the world cares about my well being, even if he’s practically a stranger to me. “Well now you met him,” I say after a moment, not meeting his gaze. “And he probably thinks you’re a psycho.”

“Hey, I’m trying to protect you,“ he defends. “I didn’t know who that guy was. I thought he was some punk Siobhan was trying to hook you up with.”

“She is trying to hook me up with him,” I scoff. “She hates Justin, so she figured if I saw Cooper again I’d forget all about him…”

“Wait a second,” Trace cuts me off, the annoyance in his voice not going unnoticed by me. “You dated this guy?”

“God, no!” I exclaim. I proceed to tell him the details of my drunken stupor in New York, conveniently skipping over the part about how I found Cooper to be attractive the first time I saw him. I tell him about the phone call Justin made to me, how Cooper helped me up from the floor and back to my table, and how he offered to drive me back to the hotel…no questions asked.

“It’s no wonder you can’t confront Justin about this Cameron bullsh'it,” he mutters, once I finish my story. “You did the same thing.”

“It’s not the same thing,” I snap. “He drove me back to the hotel, so I could be with my boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him since, Trace. Justin and Cameron are entirely different.”

“If he knew about Cooper, he’d be hurt,” Trace nods.

“Right.” I shake my head. “So I’m a horrible person, that‘s a given. But you know, Trace…he fu'cked up royally tonight. He practically threw one of the best friends I have into a wall, so maybe you should be criticizing him…and not me, okay?”

“You think he doesn’t feel like a complete loser, Ker?,” he says, flicking some ash from the end of his cigarette before taking another drag. “You know damn well how embarrassed he is right now. It’s not like he wanted to go that far…he didn’t want to hurt anybody. Siobhan pushed him, and she meant to push him, Kerri. Honestly, I never thought the girl was like that. Whenever we’ve hung out with her, she’s always seemed like a down ass girl. But…tonight…,“ he trails off and shakes his head angrily. “That bi'tch was way out of line tonight, Kerrigan.”

I kick my shoes off and sit at the edge of the pool, so I can dip my feet in the water. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Trace. She’s my friend…and this whole thing has overwhelmed her okay? I know you don’t get it…but it doesn’t matter. She’s not your best friend, she’s mine. You don’t need to worry about it.”

He plops himself down beside me a moment later, and looks into my eyes. He’s serious, maybe a little angry at me for sticking up for Siobhan like I am. But then again, what else is new? Despite the fact that Justin and Trace have been having a lot of problems lately, that’s still his best friend. In Trace’s mind, the incident that took place before wasn’t Justin’s fault. He thinks he blacked out or something…but I know better. Justin was in a rage, and sure that probably blinded him…took him back to that dark place. But if he simply could have controlled his temper everything would have been fine.

“He was defending his relationship the best way he knew how,” Trace tells me, putting his cigarette out on the cement. “Siobhan was acting like it was a joke, and that really pissed him off.”

I look away from him. “Maybe it is a joke.”

He’s quiet for awhile after that, like…he knows what he needs to say but he’s not sure if it’s the right answer. Then he takes a long breath, and finally gets it out. “Maybe you’re right.”

I bury my face in my hands. “What do I do?”

I feel his hand rubbing my back, trying to soothe me out of my misery the best way he knows how. “I know you don’t want to, I know it‘s hard…but you and I both know it can‘t go on like this any more. It‘s driving you nuts, Ker. You gotta…you gotta tell him it‘s over.”

And this time, I don’t think I have a choice.
***********************
I’ve gotta give myself some fu'cking credit I guess. Before I got into a nasty confrontation with that bi'tch’s boyfriend, I’d done a pretty awesome job throwing Kerri a birthday party. Everything went as planned. The caterers were on time, the food was awesome, and none of the help bothered me or my girlfriend unless I called on them for something. The DJ that Elisha hired wasn’t a freak, he didn’t ask me any retarded questions about my personal life, and his play lists seemed designed to fit the mood of the party. In all, it was laid back. Kerri and I kicked back at a table that had been set up in the back of my living room, with a group of friends we hadn’t seen in way too long. For the first time in three years, I saw Kerri for who she truly is. I was able to see that girl I used to know so well come out of her shell. She laughed, she joked around…she wasn’t afraid or insecure. And in turn, that made me mellow out a lot too. Although we were surrounded by people we’ve both known for years, I knew there was a chance they could get weird and start asking questions. I’d stressed about it the entire day, while the party was being set up. But I guess our friends knew better. They knew what happened was horrible, and that it was something neither of us would have wanted to be reminded of tonight. They knew it was a party for my girlfriend…for their friend that they hadn’t seen in years. So they went with it, they made our time relaxing and fun. I guess…I guess that’s why I can call them my friends.

Sadly, our little party in the back of the room proved to be the only carefree part of the evening. The second I decided to get some private time in with Kerri, the chaos had to set in. I really wanted to talk to her too…about what I told Madison, about…our relationship. I wanted to ask her if she really thought it was worth being with me, and …I guess I wanted to open up to her about Cameron and stuff. I know I have to, because she’s coming to the next show, and I have to make Kerri aware of that. Just because I have no respect for our relationship anymore, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost my respect for Kerri. The truth is, I still have a ton of respect for her. For…going through what she did, for…taking me by the hand and forcing me not to give up when we were lost in those @#%$ woods. Hell, I know I wouldn’t have made it out of there without her. I would have been too scared…too weak, and…I doubt I’d even be here right now. My Kerri is strong, and I guess at times I fail to realize just how strong she is. She puts up with so much crap…just like tonight.

I didn’t mean it. I thought I was done being violent and sh'it, especially since I crossed the line and hit Kerri awhile back. After that happened, I made myself promise that I would calm down…that I would start to wisen up and stop hurting the people around me. I guess I’ve been better…but tonight, I couldn’t handle Siobhan and her fu'cking attitude. She acted like I was some kind of a disgrace to Kerri and I hated that. The party had taken enough out of me as it was. I’d had to keep my fears and anxieties bottled up inside of me once all of the guests arrived. I wasn’t used to a crowd like that, as I hadn’t been around one since the VMA’s. I know there are crowds of people at my little shows, but its different then. I’m on stage, there is a wall of bouncers at the foot of the stage…I’m protected…

But I wasn’t protected tonight.

Yes, Tiny was there…but I chose to keep him at a distance from me, for fear of one of my friends thinking I’d gone psycho because of the kidnapping. It was all about my fu'cking image again, and looking back on it now, I feel like sh'it for acting that way. It wasn’t my night…it was Kerri’s, it was Trace’s…and I made it all about myself. But hey, what else is new?

Kerri looked so beautiful tonight, and all I wanted to do was be alone with her for a little while and try to talk to her. But once Siobhan came along I knew that it wasn’t going to be possible. I tried to be nice…I stayed quiet while Kerri gave her a hug and asked her how she was. But Siobhan had to start in…demaning me, right to my face. And then her boyfriend came up with that guy. That guy I didn’t know, and it really freaked me out. He was a strange man in my house, and hell…I didn’t know what his intentions were. For all I knew he could have been a sicko like Shane. He could have drugged me and taken me into a room and raped me. I couldn’t have that. I asked him who the hell he was, and I still feel like I had a good reason to. Siobhan had no right butting in…and it’s her own fault that I flipped out on her…

I just didn’t count on Scott reacting like he did.

I won’t lie. He scared the crap out of me when he slammed me into that wall, and when I was forced to go upstairs after all was said and done…I had the urine in my underwear to prove it. I felt like such a little pus'sy…peeing my pants, and I was thankful that I hadn’t allowed Trace to come into the bathroom with me. Of course, he was outside the door, asking me if I was going to be okay. I told him to leave me alone. It felt weird. I’d never told him to just…leave me alone before, and I guess I shouldn’t have been so shocked when he started screaming at me through the door.

First he told me I was ungrateful, then that I was a ba'stard. Then he started in on Kerri, telling me that I had no business dating her and fu'cking her like I was. He told me he was done with me, tired of my dramatic bullsh'it and that he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. Of course I was silent, I didn’t know what the hell to say to that. Hell, I was upset enough as it was…so I just let him shout at me until he got fed up with it and stormed back downstairs. I felt like complete and total sh'it after that. Like a failure. Like I felt before I told Trace about the rape and the cutting. I threw up…I threw up a lot, and I was alone. I was scared too. I thought Shane was going to emerge from the depths of the toilet water and vomit to tell me how gay I was…but he didn’t. I think it might have been the only thing that allowed me to stop getting sick, and for an other hour or so…I simply remained on the cold bathroom floor and let my body adjust.

Eventually, I’d calmed down enough to get up and go into my room, but it was stuffy…I needed to clear my head. So I went out onto my sundeck and looked up at the stars, hoping that somehow…they would be able to solve my problems for me. It’s been hours since then, and I’m still here, still wondering what the hell my life is turning into. I don’t know what happened to my party. I don’t know who went home, who stayed, and who is going to stop calling me after what happened tonight, and I don’t really care either. I just want to relax, and try to figure out how I’m going to explain my behavior to Kerri. I know I was an as'shole. I snapped at her and I shouldn’t have. I know that hurts her really bad…but I was so mad, and then I felt like she didn’t want to be there for me when Tiny and Trace sent me upstairs. Looking back on it now, of course I can’t blame her. She must have thought I’d gone psychotic again, and hell…I know I did.

“There’s a lot of stars out tonight.”

I know it’s Kerri, but I don’t have the strength to look at her right now. I know I’ll probably start crying again, and I’m done with that…for now at least. “Yeah,” I say, without much enthusiasm. “I know.”

“Justin,“ she sighs and a moment later, she’s standing before me. She looks disheveled, her face is tearstained…her hair is a mess. I know I’m responsible, but I wont admit it to her right now. Instead, I cross my arms, and look up at the sky.

“You could look at me at least,” she grumbles.

And I do, just so she wont turn into a hysterical mess of tears and ramblings of anger that I wont be able to understand. “Everything is fine,” I tell her. God, why am I doing this? I know what’s right. Madison even said it. I need to just…tell her what’s going on and end this, before I screw her up beyond repair. “Jesus,” I sigh. “Okay so…maybe it’s not but…”

“Just tell me!” she yells at me, throwing her hands up in the air, defeated. “You’re keeping everything from me, Justin…and I don’t get it! You‘re supposed to love me!” She sobs the words and points an accusing finger at me. “And lately it’s like…you don’t care about our relationship anymore. You hardly touch me…you barely look at me! And when you do it’s only because you’re depressed and you need me to make you feel like a better person. And I …I let you do what you want…” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffles loudly. “Because I love you.”

I sit up a little, and I don’t want to look her in the eyes…but my conscience forces me to. For the first time, I see what I’ve really done to her. I’ve worried her sick, pushed her to the brink, probably made part of her believe that I don’t really love her. And…I know I don’t completely love her. I love her because she’s Kerri…because she’s gotten me though a lot of horrible sh'it. But I don’t love her, like I’m supposed to love my girlfriend. Hell, right now, I can’t even consider her to be my girlfriend anymore. As far as I’m concerned, I ended this whole thing I had going with her weeks ago…I’ve just been too much of a weak idiot to let her know that. “Kerri, I…”

“All I ever wanted to do, since I was old enough to understand it…was love you,” she tells me through her tears. “And I let you take advantage of me that night in New York, because I thought things would work themselves out. I gambled…I figured you couldn’t turn your back on me after…something so deep.” She shakes her head roughly, and backs into the railing before sliding down to the ground. “But you did.”

Despite the fact that I‘m weak as hell right now, I manage to get up and stagger over to where she’s sitting. “You know that’s in the past,” I tell her, as I plop down beside her. “This isn’t about that at all Kerri. You’re bringing up sh'it that doesn’t have any place in our lives anymore.”

“Oh that’s right.” She let’s out a sarcastic laugh. “I forgot that you pushed that out of your head…and that I was supposed to do the same. Sorry that I let it effect me Justin…sorry that…”

I grab her hand and yank her upright. She lets out a loud whimper, and tells me to let her go, but I don’t. I’m not going to hit her, I make myself promise. I have to control myself right now…I have to. “Listen to me!” I yell at her. “You never listen to me!”

She stares at me, her eyes wide…full of realization and shock. It’s true. She doesn’t listen to me. She just worries, tells me how things should be, and expects me to follow through with it all. I’m not about to tell her I was put through more than she was, that it’s easier for her to adjust to sh'it. That, like what happened between us three years ago has no place in this conversation. This conversation needs to be about what happened tonight, what’s been happening recently…and the fact that…

The fact that we can’t be together anymore.

“I try to listen to you,” she sobs. “Justin, I’m sorry.”

“You’re fu'cked up.” I let go of her and lean my head back against the wall. “So am I.”

“But we’ve been trying,” she whines. “We’ve been happy. Just lately…lately things have been awkward. Trace…Trace told me about Cameron. I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t have told me, Justin. I thought I did something wrong.”

I sigh and rub my face with my hands. “He shouldn’t have told you about that.”

She wont look at me. “He didn’t think you would tell me. Don’t get mad at him, Justin. He was just trying to do the right thing.”

Trace is an entirely different subject, one that I don’t feel like getting into with her right now. There’s so much sh'it going on between me and him…if I started to talk about it with her, it would take all night to make her fully understand what’s going on. And I need to keep this conversation on point. This is about us, about me and her not being miserable anymore. This is about being able to move on with our lives, and that…that we can’t if we continue on this way. I know it’s her birthday, and it’s fu'cking ridiculous that we have to have this conversation tonight. Originally, I’d planned to show her a good time, and then romance her afterwards. But fu'ck that. I can’t handle sex…I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle it after this. I feel so guilty about it now, like I can’t have it ever again…because it’s just a cover up for who I am.

And I feel like I’ve been using Kerri since the day we kissed in my house.

“Justin, why aren’t you saying anything?,” she moans.

I look at her. She really is beautiful, and I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be that guy she remembers…the guy she wants to love. But I can’t be. That guy is long gone, he has been for years…since I stopped speaking to her. My life changed, and her life was supposed to change too. She was supposed to just…forget me, become her own person. But she never did. She’s still as infatuated with me as she‘s always been. It makes me want to run far far away from her so I don’t have to deal with it. That’s what I did before…but now, things are different. She was put through a nightmare, I’m the only one that knows how fu'cking scary it was, and I could never completely turn my back on her. After a moment, I kiss her lightly on the forehead, and run a finger down her cheek. “You know I’ll always care about you, Kerrigan,” I whisper.

“Justin…” Her bottom lip trembles. “Justin I’ve tried to be…”

“Shh.” I hold her hand, and look directly into her eyes. “None of this is your fault, okay?”

“We can’t be together,” she whispers.

I’m almost glad I didn’t have to be the one to say it, but then again…I know how much it killed her to admit it to me. I can’t help but pull her into a hug, and we cry together for a long, long time. She tells me she loves me, and I don’t tell her I love her. I don’t know what else to do. It’s over, it’s done. Starting tomorrow my life will change again, and so will hers. I just hope she’s going to be able to handle it. I hope when it really hits her, when she fully grasps the fact that she can’t just…lay in bed with me and hold me anymore, that she wont lose it. “I’m sorry,” I cry into her. “I should have told you about…everything. But I’m a coward.”

“No you’re not.”

Still, despite everything I’ve put her through tonight…everything I’ve put her through ever, she still defends me. She still thinks I’m this wonderful guy who can’t do anything wrong. I just don’t get it. Doesn’t she realize what an @#%$ I’ve been to her? Doesn’t she realize that I’ve brushed her well being to the side, simply so I could feel a little better about myself? I’m sure she’s realized all of that at one point or another…but she’s never allowed herself to dwell on it for long. I guess I can understand. Her family has withdrawn from her, her friends back in New York can’t understand her. That leaves Trace and me. And sure, Trace is a great friend to her and all…but I know she doesn’t look up to him the way she looks up to me. I know I have a responsibility when it comes to her, like she’s an impressionable child who I need to look after. That’s what those ba'stards turned her into, and it’s my responsibility to make sure she gets through it. And I’ll do it…of course I‘ll do anything for her when it comes to her comfort and safety. She’s free to stay here, keep helping me with work and @#%$, for as long as she feels she needs to. “Things are going to be weird for awhile,” I say after a while. “But I don’t want it to discourage you, Ker. I want to be your friend…I want to keep helping you.”

She nods quickly. “I know…”

“Look,” I sigh, and take her hands in mine. “Cameron is coming. I should have prepared you…but what’s done is done. Maybe you know, when she gets here we can all talk. I…”

“I don’t have any reason to talk to her,” she states, bluntly. “Cameron is your thing, and if you want to see her that’s fine. But please, Justin--leave me out of it.”

I don’t understand what the big deal is. I know that Cameron used to be my girlfriend and everything, but me and her…we’re way beyond any kind of relationship now. I can’t think of her that way anymore…I just want to be friends with her. After all, she is a part of this whole thing…she was there when I was messed up and she put up with me. Hell, Kerri has more in common with Cameron than she realizes. “You’re my best friend,” I say quietly. “And whether or not you think so, Kerri…Cam is a part of this. She went through it just like our families did…just like Trace did. I don’t understand why you can’t just say hello. I know she wants to meet you.”

“Fu'ck, Justin,” she whimpers. “We’re breaking up right now and all you can think of is Cameron, and the fact that I want nothing to do with her. Why don‘t you just say it? Why don’t you just tell me that you‘d rather be with her…”

I shake my head. “You’re twisting everything around, Kerri!”

She rises to her feet a moment later, and I stare up at her…angry, but at the same time I understand why she’s being so stubborn. She’s upset…she’s confused, and I know…I know she’s trying as hard as she can not to let her feelings shine through. But deep down, inside of her where she buries all of her fears and anxieties…I know she still loves me. She’ll probably never stop loving me, and I hate that…but there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I’m not twisting anything around!” She yells. “God…just forget it Justin. You’re free.”

“Kerri…” I push myself up from the ground and clench my fists at my sides. “Don’t walk away from me.”

“Justin!” She stops halfway through the doorframe and turns back to face me. “You can’t control me anymore.”

I glare at her. That comment was way out of line, and I know that deep down…she knows she’s acting ridiculous right now. “I never controlled you, Kerri.”

She doesn’t answer. A moment later she storms through the doorway and disappears into the house. I’m alone again. Something inside of me is screaming at me, telling me to go catch up with her…that she might do something regrettable if I don’t. But…I just don’t care. She twisted everything around, she thinks I don’t care about anybody but myself. It’s not true, and until she gets that through her head, there’s no sense chasing after her. So I’ll wait it out…I’ll move on, and get better. I just hope Kerri wizens up and decides to do the same.

Moments later I hear tires squealing across my driveway, and I lean over the railing to see who’s driving through my property. At first I think it’s Trace, but when I see my Escalade pulling out of my gate at a terrifying speed…I know it’s Kerri. That’s the only car of mine she feels comfortable driving, and usually she’s pretty conscientious. Right now though, I don’t know where her mind is at…and I’d really prefer it if she came back. I try her cell phone. It rings once and goes to voicemail. It’s off…she’s ignoring me. She’s ignoring me, she’s upset, and she’s driving.

My god…

What the hell have I done?
*********************
When my senior year of high school started, I remember Trace coming home in the middle of the enormous tour that NSYNC had been doing across North America. He was sick as a dog. I think it was because he wasn’t used to being in Europe for so many months, getting used to the water and the atmosphere there…and then having to come back home and adjust to everything again. I remember I skipped a couple of days of school just so I could be with him. Of course, my parents weren’t too thrilled about that, but they didn’t tear into me about it. I was a good student, I got good grades, and I stayed out of trouble, so they really couldn’t say anything. Besides, I barely heard from him as it was, as NSYNC had blown out of proportion that year and their schedule had turned into a round the clock chaotic frenzy. Justin had convinced the management to give Trace the title of his personal assistant, so he’d have a reason to hang around the tour instead of letting everybody deem him as a lackey. When I’d first heard the news I’d been happy for him, but a little sad for myself. It meant even less interaction with my two beloved friends. I was still leading a normal life while they were off gallivanting the world. But I tried not to be jealous or upset. In my heart, I was sure the time would come when I would be able to forget about school, forget about everything and just spend all my time with them…with Justin.

Unfortunately, that time is now. And unfortunately, I don’t want to be within twenty feet of Justin Timberlake.

It’s been a week since I walked away from him. Since that time I’ve missed two of his shows and I have no idea who took my place and got sh'it together for him. I’m sure it was probably Lynn, and I’m sure the woman hates my guts now…but I can’t worry about that. Like Trace has been telling me, I need to worry about myself, and I know if I’d succumbed to my emotions and showed up at the venue, I wouldn’t’ have been any help to Justin. First off, I’m sure we would have fought, and that would have made us both upset. Second of all, I would have been nervous from the start, and I’m sure I would have messed up something important. I’ve convinced myself I’ve done the right thing by staying away…and Trace agrees. But then again, Trace doesn’t really care what happens to Justin at the moment, so I shouldn’t be counting him.

I feel bad. I know I scared Justin the other night when I sped away from the house. But I was so angry…I just needed to get away, and taking his car and leaving was the fastest way to do that. I drove for miles, half crying, half in a panic. I wasn’t sure how badly my decision was going to effect him. Despite the fact that we broke up, I knew he still needed me to stick around. Like it or not, I’m still one of the only people he feels comfortable talking talk to…and I guess that means I have an obligation to be strong and stick it out with him during hard times like this. But I couldn’t help it…I needed a break, or I probably would have gone out of my skull. He made me so mad, disregarding the main focus of our conversation and switching off to Cameron. It was like I was simply supposed to forget that we broke up and welcome his ex girlfriend into my life with open arms. It just didn’t make sense…I didn’t know what his intentions with Cameron were. That scared me and so, I just walked away. Three hours later I’d found myself parked at the side of the highway, bawling my eyes out like a psycho. I thought about calling Siobhan, knowing that she would say ‘I told you so’, but also knowing she would be willing to listen to me.

When I turned on my cell phone, it immediately beeped at me, signifying that I had forty unheard messages. I listened to the first few, and naturally they were all from Justin. I could hear the pain and fear in his voice…he’d been begging me to come back, to be careful, to please call him. I didn’t listen. A few minutes later, as I’d been staring at my phone, debating whether or not to call Siobhan for advice, it started to ring. I groaned, thinking it was Justin…but when I saw Trace’s number flashing across the screen I hadn’t hesitated to answer.

“Where are you?,” he’d said, before I could manage a hello for him. “Justin called me frantic. He said you took the car.”

“I’m okay,” I’d whispered. “I just needed to…get away from him.”

He’d drawn in a long breath before responding with: “Kerri, please don’t do anything stupid.”

“God,” I’d laughed a little and wiped a few stray tears from my eyes “I’m not going to do anything, Trace. I’m just sitting here.”

“Meet me at the gas station on Longview,” he’d ordered. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“I’m not going back to the house Trace,” I’d told him stubbornly. “You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.”

“I’m not taking you back to the house, Kerri. Come on…just trust me okay?”

He’d hung up, and I’d remained parked at the side of the road for a good fifteen minutes after that…trying to decide if meeting up with Trace was the right thing to do. I was afraid Justin would be with him…that Trace would make me talk to him, and I didn’t want to talk to him. But knowing Trace inside out, the better part of me said that he wasn’t lying…that he was looking out for me like he told me he would. So I gave in. Fifteen minutes later I found myself on Longview Boulevard, just south of the Sunset Strip. Trace was already there, waiting in his car…with Elisha in the passenger seat. Granted, it wasn’t Justin…but the fact that she was there made me nervous. From what I saw at the party, it was my understanding that they‘d had a serious disagreement, and I didn’t understand why she would have wanted to come along to greet me.

I’d gotten out of the car, and Trace had practically burst out of his and rushed over to me. He’d hugged me…for so long. He was rambling about how worried I’d made him, he’d thought something happened to me. I figured his paranoia was caused by Justin…that he’d blown the situation entirely out of proportion when he’d spoken to Trace about what happened. So, I did the best I could to reassure him that I hadn’t had any bad intentions by running off. Again, I emphasized that I simply needed to get away from Justin, that he was confusing the hell out of me and making me upset. After several minutes of this, Trace seemed to understand. But he made me promise to call him the next time I felt I needed to ‘run off’.

I realized that Elisha had come along so she would be able to bring Justin’s car back to him, as Trace’s plan was to bring me back to the condominium he’d been sharing with her. I was a little nervous. By that time I’d calmed down a lot, and I thought I might have been able to bring the car back to Justin on my own. But Trace wouldn’t hear of it. He didn’t want me to have anything to do with Justin for at least a day or two, and insisted that I get into his car so he could take me back to his place. I’d given Elisha pleading look, asking for a little bit of help. But she’d only sighed, and told us that she would see us later on. I got the feeling that she was annoyed about a lot of things…and I couldn’t blame her. So I let Trace have his way. I came back here with him that night…and I haven’t seen or heard from Justin since then.

The condo isn’t as cozy as I was thought it was going to be. The truth is, Trace has been packing up his stuff for the last couple of weeks. He told me he bought a hi rise on the outskirts of Beverly Hills, and he’s in the process of moving out of the condo. I sheepishly asked him if he and Elisha were getting some space from each other…but he only laughed, and told me that it was over…and that he knew I knew that. I felt bad, and I wanted to ask him why he wasn’t trying harder to preserve his relationship. I knew she loved him…and I knew she wanted to work things out with him. But I didn’t press the issue. It was apparent to me, that Trace was the one who wasn’t trying. Trace was the one that didn’t care…Trace was the one that wanted out. So if he was going to be happier on his own, it was good enough for me. After all, it is his life.

“So this is it.” Trace places his hands on my shoulders and guides me inside the empty apartment. “I know it’s pretty dull right now, and this hard wood floor has to go but…once I’m all settled in I think it’s gonna be pretty neat.”

I know he’s right. Trace is a whiz when it comes to fixing stuff up, making things work…making things look great. The place has the potential to become the ultimate bachelor’s bad, and while that’s great and I know it’s going to make him really happy, I can’t shake the feeling that Trace seems to be running away from all of his problems. This place is at least a hour from Justin’s…he wont just be a few minutes away anymore. Justin cant’ just…call him every time he needs something. Although, I know that’s Trace’s point. It’s weird. I never imagined that the friendship they shared could fall apart so easily. They’ve always been inseparable, more so than Justin and I have ever been. Brothers from the start…a part of me always felt I could never quite fit into their lifestyle because I hadn’t been there since birth. But now none of that seems to matter anymore. Trace is making it pretty apparent that he doesn’t care what happens to his friendship with Justin. It’s like…shutting Justin out is the only way he feels he can move past everything.

Well, as long as I’m still around for him anyway.

“It’s nice.” I turn to face him and force a smile. He frowns though, and I’m sure he can tell that I have more important things to worry about besides how nice his new place is.

“Ker.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and walks towards me. “I know you’re still worried about Justin, but please believe me when I tell you…it’s better this way. He needs to realize that you need to find yourself again…be on your own. He needs to do the same thing”

He reaches out to touch my face, but I quickly pull away from him. I don’t know what’s gotten into his head, but lately…all he ever wants to do is touch me. That’s just weird. I’ve never had a relationship with Trace like that. We’ve always been friends. Sure, he’s had a little crush on me from time to time…but neither of us ever gave it the chance to escalate into something more. It scares me that he’s trying to get me to…like him. I’d almost call him selfish, but I know that’s not really the case. Trace doesn’t like to admit it, but I know he’s just as scared of being on his own as I am…as Justin is. He likes to play the tough guy though, the one who’s got his life together, so I’ll trust him more or something. It’s all psychological, and really…I hope he’s discussing all of his feelings with Madison. But something inside of me is telling me that he’s been keeping all of this to himself for a very long time. “Trace.” I stare into his deep brown eyes, and sigh a little bit. “I think we need to get something straight.”

He bites his bottom lip and crosses his arms, a guilty look immediately spreading itself across his face. “Kerri I…”

“I know you’re scared,” I whisper.

He stares at me.

“Trace, please don’t hide from me. I can see right through this…whole act, okay? I know…I know that you think you like me…like, more than a friend ”

“Well fu'ck,” he grunts. “It’s taken you this long to realize that?”

I don’t really know what to say. I know he just broke up with Elisha, and he’s just…on the rebound. I know he cares about me very much, but just…not that way. He can’t care about me that way. I wont let him. Not right now. Not when I’m so confused that I could probably throw myself off the Golden Gate Bridge without a second thought. I open my mouth to give it to him straight…to tell him he’s being ridiculous right now, that he’s not thinking. But then his phone starts to ring, and I can’t say anything.

He rolls his eyes, and continues to stare at me for a few moments, debating whether or not to answer. Then he gives in, yanks it out of his pocket and mumbles a ‘hello’. I watch his eyes as they widen. He’s tense now, flinching slightly, and staring at me like he doesn’t know what to do. “Yeah…I mean, she’s been with me. Okay Johnny…yes, I know that but…”

I sigh. I guess I should have known this was going to happen. Justin’s tour and schedule have probably been nothing but a jumbled mess of chaos for the past week, and I know I’m the one to blame. Now Johnny’s fed up, and he wants answers. He wants me to come forward and take responsibility like I’m supposed to. I would too…if I knew Justin wasn’t going spazz out. If I knew everybody wasn’t going to hate me the moment they set their eyes on me. But I know that will happen, and so…the only thing I want to do right now is run and hide like a scared little child.

And I hate myself for that.

Trace groans ‘Yes, sir,’ into the phone and pulls it away from his ear, carefully snapping it closed. He’s lets out a defeated sigh after a moment, and I know his conversation with Johnny went anything but well.

“He’s pissed.”

I don’t meet his gaze. “I figured.”

“The past few days have been hectic, and he wants answers…he wants somebody to get the situation under control, Ker. And well…he’s telling me that you’re the one that needs to go down to the venue and give them all an explanation.” He shakes his head roughly. “But I know you’re in no position to do that. You need space from all of that. So you know, I can go down…”

I hold up my hand to stop his rambling. I know he means well. I know he’s looking out for me and everything…but I also know how it will look if I make Trace take the heat instead of me. They’ll all think I’m a coward, and that I’m selfish. It will stress Justin out more too, because he and Trace are going through something and I’m sure Justin doesn’t want to argue with him at this stage. It will stress him out…stress Trace out too, and I know I can save them both one hell of a headache if take this on myself. So I do it…I make the decision. “I can handle it, Trace. I’m going.“

He bites his lip and looks away from me. Part of me thinks he might cry, but I force the thought out of my head. “I don’t want you going down there and listening to their sh'it,” he mumbles. “They don’t know what you’ve been through. Nobody does…except for Justin and he’s not right in the head. Just let me go down there okay?” He forces himself to look me in the eye, and quickly walks over to me, hugging me around the waist before I can protest. “I don’t want to see you turn into a wreck again,” he whispers. “You’ve been doing better since you got out of his house.”

I tug away from him. “I ran away, Trace. I ran away when I should have stuck around and explained things to Johnny and Lynn. Now everything is a mess, and it’s my own fault. I have to go down there, and I can’t let you protect me this time.” I turn on my heel quickly, and march over to the door, hoping that he’ll get the point and butt out of my problems for once.

“Kerri, just wait! You don’t know how Johnny is…he’s way too hard on people when he’s pissed off.”

I turn the knob and swing the door open, taking a breath before turning my head to glance back at him. “I’ve been through hell this year Trace. You know…held hostage, being shot at and all that. I think I can handle a Johnny Wright temper tantrum.”

His brow furrows and I know he’s pissed; but I walk out the door and slam it behind me before I allow him to talk me out of facing this myself. The sound echoes loudly down the empty hallway, and a moment later I can hear him on the other side of the door, calling my name. I almost turn back too. A huge part of me feels horrible for leaving him hanging right now when he’s been sacrificing so much of his time and energy for me lately. But I force myself not to. Right now, of course, it’s all about Justin and handling things on his behalf. Even now, even though everything is a mess and I want absolutely nothing to do with him…I’m still driving myself crazy trying to make things right between us.

And I just don’t get it at all.