I wake up on the floor, wrapped in Justin’s arms.  The first thing that enters my mind, is that I’ve slept through the night.  I’m amazed.  For the first time in months, Shane and Nathan kept their distance.  I didn’t wake up screaming from some horrible nightmare, and I wonder how the hell I managed to do it.  I shift a little, and try to sit up; but he won’t let go of me.  I hear him groan tiredly, before he tightens his embrace around me.  I sigh a little, but then I think…how the hell did I wind up on the floor with Justin anyway?

I remember the storm, the loud thunder, and how the power went out.  He was there for me.  He didn’t leave, and I was okay.  Then one thing led to another.  Justin became distraught, he told me he was sorry for never loving me as much as I loved him and the next thing I knew he was calling himself gay again.  I couldn’t take it anymore I guess.  I hate to hear him say that about himself, because I know it’s not true.  So I went there.  I kissed him without a second thought, trying to convince him what I‘ve been telling him all along is true...he’s not gay.  I figured if he kissed me once, and he felt something; like that it felt right…that everything would be okay.  But when our lips parted, he only seemed more confused, and for a moment I thought I’d wrecked everything.  But then…

He kissed me again, slow and deep.  The kind of kiss I used to long to receive from him those summer nights on the tour bus.  The one that used to make me fall in love with him over and over again.  I realized how much I’d missed being close to him…feeling him next to me.  Feeling his skin on my skin.  I know this is all very sudden, and I know that Justin is still very confused about who he is and what‘s going on with his sexuality, but still…I’m so happy that I have part of him back.  The part of him I can trust.  I feel all lit up and warm inside.  That kind of warmness somebody can only feel when they’re complete, and content.  I turn my head, and stare at him.  He’s sleeping…snuggled so close to me, that he might as well be an extended part of me. 

But that’s a good thing. 

I feel so safe right now. So…loved?  God, no.  Am I slipping already?  Am I letting our three year separation, and the common pain we share get to me?  Like, am I going to just fall for him all over again in the matter of a day?  Damn, I know I’m capable.  I’m so weak and vulnerable I’d probably be able to fall for just about anybody if they made me feel this good inside.  But no…I can’t allow it.  I can’t do this to myself, and I certainly can’t do it to Justin.  He’s going to be more confused about this than I am when he wakes up, and if I start acting like a love struck teenager, it’s not going to be good for either of us.  We had a good day yesterday, aside from the storm…and I want our relationship to stay at the steady pace we’ve managed to bring it to.

“Hey.”  His eyes drift open slowly, and he flashes me a sleepy smile.  He immediately presses his lips to my forehead, and yawns a little.  “Mornin’,” he rasps. 

“M-morning,” I stutter a little, and tear my eyes from his.  I don’t want to keep gazing into them, because if I do, I’m just going to get lost…and then I know he’ll be able to take over me all over again just like he did last night.

“You slept all night,” he smiles.  “We should do this more often.”

I pull away from him, and lean against the bottom of the sofa.  “No…we shouldn’t.”  I shake my head.  “Justin…”

But he stops me before I can protest anymore.  He sits up, and pulls me close to him.  “I’m not going to make this into a bad, confusing thing.  So you shouldn’t either Ker.”

I look at him.  He seems so…happy, and I just don’t get it.  Shouldn’t he be more of a confused mess about all of this than I am? After Shane and everything, it’s the only way I expect him to react.  But he’s not reacting  that way.  He’s smiling, he might…care about me that way.  I’m scared.  I can’t just…be okay with this.  Because if I do something else and screw up and freak him out all over again, I’ll have wrecked the bond we‘ve worked so hard to gain back.  And I can’t sacrifice all of that for a few random make out sessions with him.  Even though it feels wonderful.  Even though deep inside, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I could love him with my whole heart if I had the chance to…I know it’s not how things can be with us right now…or ever again  “So kissing me wasn’t weird?” I shrug.  “Like…you’re so confident in who you are now and there‘s nothing wrong…”

“You’re scared,” he interrupts.   “So automatically, it’s all about me and my feelings right?  There’s two of us Kerri.  You and me.  And last night wasn’t just some random kiss okay? It was different.  If I…If I’d really been that uncomfortable I would have made you stop.”

“I pushed you,” I counter.  “I forced you into it.”  My eyes widen.  Oh my god…I did force him.  Just like Shane forced him.  I hug my knees to my chest and bite my lip.  “Oh god…” I whimper. 

“You didn’t force me,” Justin says sternly.  “Kerri…I kissed you back, remember?”

But I don’t say anything.  He’s just in denial.  Sooner or later it will hit him…he’ll realize what I did, and then he’ll hate me.  Just like everybody else.  I can’t take it…so I’m just going to sit here and wait.

“Look at me!” he whimpers.  “You’re making me feel like…like kissing you back was wrong.  Jesus Christ, what do I have to do to get you to have some faith in me Kerri?”

I finally look over at him.  There are tears in his eyes now, and I feel my heart sink.  “I’m confused,” I whisper.

“I’m confused too,” he grunts, and crosses his arms over his chest.  “But you don’t see me sitting here, trying to think up every excuse in the world as to why kissing you was wrong.  And I’m not going to.  We’re in too deep now.”  He shifts himself in front of me, and yanks my arms from around my knees, taking my hands in his.  “We can‘t forget about what happened last night.  We just have to go with it…and try to make something positive come out of it.” 

I force a small smile for him.  “But what if I mess up?” I whisper.  “What happens then? What happens if you get hurt again…”

“Kerri.”  He looks me deep in the eyes.  “You could never hurt me,” he smiles and draws in a breath.  “You care so much…you’ve always cared.  It was me who was stupid and selfish before.  Come on,” he smiles.  “I know you don’t regret what happened.” 

I stare at him.  I need to tell him that he’s wrong.  That I do regret it, and that I can’t be this close to him anymore.  I’ll tell him that it’s a good idea if I just go back to Tennessee.  Right.  I open my mouth to speak, but my conscience won’t allow me to lie to myself…or to Justin.  “I don’t regret it,” I finally whisper.  Damn it.  I didn’t want to say that.   Why did I say that?

I need a drink.

He cups my cheek in his palm, and caresses it gently.  “I know you don’t,” he nods.  Then he presses his lips to mine.  It’s a simple, soft kiss…but really, it’s so much more than that.  It’s telling me everything I’ve been waiting for him to tell me for three years.  I could love him.  You do love him, the little voice of reason in the back of my mind reminds me.  But I shake my head.  “No,” I whimper aloud. 

Justin draws away quickly.  “You okay? God…I’m…I’m sorry.”

My eyes widen, as I realize that I’ve probably just scared him.  “No…Justin, it’s not you.  I’m just…I don’t really know what to make of all this.”

“I’m making  you uncomfortable,” he whispers.  “I…I’m sorry Ker.  I don’t know where my head is right now.”  He leans back against the sofa, and lets out a groan.  “I mean, this whole thing could be some weird phase I’m going through.  Some kind of breaking barriers thing.  Madison probably has some weird name for it…I’ll have to ask her.”

I gasp.  Madison…he can’t tell Madison about this.  Then she’ll really hate me, and she’ll probably convince Justin that I’m confusing him more than I’m helping him  I know I’m not supposed to tell him to keep secrets from her or Trace but this is different.  This is our personal private business, and I don’t feel that Madison has a right to know about it.  “Can we please…just keep this between us.”

After a moment, he looks over at me again.  “I’m not supposed to keep secrets from Madison.”

I shrug.  “I know.  I just…I don’t think she’ll understand.”

He rolls his eyes.  “Like you’re not going to run and tell Trace the first chance you get.”

“What?”

“Well that’s what you do Kerri.  That’s how it’s always been.  You used to go and tell him about what we did on the bus together, and yeah…I didn’t say anything to you about it then, but it really pissed me off.  That was you know…private.  And now, you’re telling me not to tell my shrink about it, even though I‘m confused as hell.  What is it Kerri? Are you embarrassed of me…is that it?  You think I’m a big fag and so you don’t want anybody to---”

“Damn it Justin!”  I get up from the floor, and stand over him.  “What I’ve told Trace in the past is in the past! We were different then okay?  We hadn’t been…tortured.  Our lives hadn’t been turned upside down.  Don’t act like you didn’t go and tell Trace about us either…because I know you did.”  I turn away from him and rub my face with my hands.  “Kissing you last night was a mistake,” I finally tell him.  “I just wanted to break through to you, and obviously it didn’t work because you’re still talking yourself down.  I’m sorry…I’m sorry if I messed things up even more.”

I feel him behind me a moment later.  If I turn around, I know I’m going to lose my strength, fall into his arms, and start sobbing like a baby.  So I don’t.  I just stare around Justin’s gigantic living room, and pray that he gives up.  But then…I feel his hands on my shoulders, and I sigh.  “Justin…”

“Shh.”

I feel his lips on my neck, and it sends a million sensations rushing through my body, and a million thoughts running through my mind.  A few tears make their way down my face, and I don’t bother to wipe them away.  “Justin, don’t,” I whisper.

“I can’t help it,” I hear him say a moment later.  “It just feels right.”

I let him turn me back around, and I stare into his bright blue eyes.  He runs his hands through my hair, and smiles a little.  “I can’t help that you’re beautiful and you make me feel good about myself.  Kissing you…feels right Kerri.  You know, you’re the first girl I’ve kissed since Cam and I split up.  You’re…the only one that’s been able to break through my barriers.  Until last night,” he says sternly.  “I didn’t’ think I would be able to touch another woman again.”

It’s only now that I realize what I’ve done.  I’ve showed Justin that he can go on living…that he can be himself again.  That he doesn’t have to live in fear of being gay or anything like that.  Deep down, he knows he’s as straight edge as he’s always been.  And it’s because of me…because I went there and proved it to him.  But what am I doing right now?  I’m bringing him down again…I can’t bring him down again.  I take his hands in mine and smile.  “But you touched me,” I whisper.  “And it scared me…and I’m still scared.  But, if it helped you…if it’s helping you, then I guess we should just go with it.”

He doesn’t say anything to me.  We just hug, for what seems like hours.  It feels good.  I feel like I’ve made a huge connection with him, and that’s a good thing.  He’ll start to feel less and less insecure, and soon…he’ll basically be normal again.  As for me? I’ll be okay.  Yeah, I’ll struggle…but I’ll handle it like I’ve been handling it.  Just as long as Justin is okay, and Trace is okay…then I’ll be okay.

At least that’s what I’m hoping for.
******************
Sunday

Tiny stayed with Justin so I could pick up Trace from the airport.  Of course, Justin protested.  He wanted to come along for the ride so he could greet Trace at the gate.  I wouldn’t have objected, except for the fear of photographers and fans mobbing him in the middle of LAX.  I know it’s hard enough for him to go to an airport under normal circumstances…always being stopped for an autograph or a picture with a fan.  Always having paparazzi flashes going off in his face.  I know he’s still entirely too vulnerable and weak right now, despite the fact that he’s been acting like he’s made a full recovery over the past few days.  It’s an act, and Justin is a great actor.  But I know the moment he gets cornered and a million flashes start going off in his face, he’ll crumble as fast as he did the day we came out of Iceberg.  Besides…I think Trace needs to get his head together before he faces Justin again.  I know there are some things he’s going to want to get off his chest right from the start.  Like, the truth behind his breakup with Elisha.  And I know it’s something that Justin can’t know about right now.  That scares me…Trace isn’t one to keep secrets from Justin.  But I don’t know what else to think.  But, I figure I’ll have a better chance to find out what’s going on with him, without Justin here to bombard him with a thousand different things at once.

The door to the gate finally opens, and a flurry of people rush out.  I stand up, and wait for Trace to walk through the door.  I smile when I finally see him, but it quickly fades.  He’s an absolute mess, and seems to be practically dragging himself through the door.  His hair is messy and unkempt, and his face is so scruffy it’s obvious that he hasn’t shaved in about a week.  His eyes are tired, and his expression is withdrawn.  It’s making me reluctant to even approach him, but I’m being ridiculous.  This is Trace.  My best friend, Trace and I don’t have the right to avoid him.  He’s never avoided me in the past…when I needed him. With a long sigh, I force myself to make my way over to him, a fake smile plastered on my face.  “Hey!” I exclaim.

He looks up at me, and drops his carry on  bag to the floor.  “Kerri,” he smiles, and pulls me into a hug.  “Hey girl.”

The first thing I notice is his stench.  He smells like he took a bath in a bottle of whiskey, and it starts to worry me.  Trace never lets himself get this bad.  Sure, he‘s an avid drinker and he‘s had his share of wild drunken nights…but he‘s always kept himself in check.  He hates to smell bad, or look bad.  No, he’s not as obsessive about his looks as Justin is.  But he still cares.  “How are you?” I ask, as I pull away from him.

He shoves his hands into his jean pockets, and shrugs a little.  “All right.”

I sigh.  “Trace…”

“Look,” he interrupts me, before I can start asking questions.  “I really need to talk to you about some stuff.  But I really need to clear my head too.  I promise, I‘ll talk to you.  But I have to…I have to clear my head for Justin.  Just let me do that first…okay?”

Every good thought running through my mind has been drowned out by Trace.  Elisha was right.  Something is wrong with him…really wrong.  I don’t know if it’s simply the fact that his relationship fell apart, or if it’s something else.  But after years of knowing the guy, I can usually tell what his problem is.  And it scares me, but I’m positive that this runs a lot deeper than him losing his girlfriend.  I know he’ll talk to me later, and while I wish he would sit down with me right now and tell me what’s going on, I know he’s not about to.  He’s trying to focus on Justin, as always.  It’s very commendable, anybody would say that.  But Trace has been putting his life on hold for too long, entirely too long, for us.  It’s like he owes us something, which again…I don’t understand.  There’s too many questions.  One’s I know I can’t answer, and I know I’ll drive myself insane all over again if I start wondering…so I’ll go with this. I’ll wait for him, like he’s waited for me so many times before.  “Okay, Trace.” I whisper, but don’t quite meet his gaze.

“Where’s Justin?”  Trace looks around quickly, and frowns when he doesn’t spot him.  “Shit, you didn’t leave him alone did you?”

I frown.  “Yeah, Trace.  Because I’m really that stupid.”

“Sorry,” he sighs.  “I know you wouldn’t.  It’s just been a long flight and stuff.  Who’s staying with him?”

“Tiny offered to stay at the house while I drove up here.”  I pick up his carry on bag, and sling it over my shoulder.  “I figured it would give you a chance to talk to me.  But I guess that idea is shot to hell now.”  I’m not angry, well…maybe a little, even though I shouldn’t be.  I guess I just hate it when he’s so closed off.  He’s supposed to be the sane one right?  I guess now I know how he feels when I try to keep my feelings from him.  Still, I walk ahead of him, just so he’ll know that I’m not happy with his attitude.

“Come on Kerri,” he says, as he catches up to me.  “I’m sorry all right? You know it’s been a tough week for me.”

“I know,” I mutter as we step onto the escalator that leads down to baggage claim.  “But we’ve been through a hell of a lot Trace…the three of us.  And you’ve always told me that it’s not okay to hide my feelings from everybody.  So if that’s the case, why is it okay for you to do it?”

He doesn’t answer and I know that I’ve struck a cord with him.  I’m right, and the expression on his face is telling me he’s annoyed that I’m not as naïve as he thought.  But it’s only when we stop at his baggage carousel that he starts to crack.  “I don’t want to do this here,” he whimpers.  “Okay?”

His face starts to turn red, and his bottom lip is quivering, despite his efforts to hold his feelings in.  He rubs his face with his hand a couple of times, and sighs heavily.  I want to say something else to him…just to let him know that I’m not really angry with him, just hurt that he won’t talk to me.  But I’m afraid if I do, he’ll start freaking out, and that’s the last thing we need right now.   “I’m worried about you.”  It’s the only thing I can say that won’t make his emotions flare up any more than they have. 

The baggage carousel starts to rotate, and a moment later the first bags pass through the little doorway.  None of them are Trace’s, and we both sigh while the people beside us push and shove while trying to find their own bags.  I wait for Trace to tell me that I shouldn’t be worried.  That he’s just been tired, and stressed over Elisha and that’s all.  But he doesn’t say anything like that.  He doesn’t say anything at all.  He just stares at the platform, and waits for his baggage to come around. 

Fifteen minutes later, we finally get all of Trace’s baggage off the conveyor and make our way out to the car.  He starts to ramble about little things…stupid things.  The movie on the plane, the weather in Barbados.  This neat little bar near the resort he stayed in.  He’s avoiding the real issue, and while I should point this out…I don’t.  I mean, at least he’s talking about something.  It’s better than walking in silence…that’s for sure.

“Did Elisha come by the house?,” he asks, once we‘ve settled into the car.  “She called me a couple of days ago and said she got her stuff already, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it,” he sighs, but then laughs a few moments later.  “I didn’t think she would want to…get out of my life so quickly I guess.”

I’m reluctant to tell him, because I know the truth will hurt him even more.  But I can’t lie to Trace.  First of all, I’m a horrible liar.  Second of all, I can tell he already knows the truth…he’s just trying to find a way to deny it a little while longer.  “She came by,” I whisper.  I put the car into drive, and quickly pull out of the parking lot. 

“She take her stuff?,” he grunts. 

I bite the corner of my lip.  “She was packing…”

“Good.”  He crosses his arms across his chest, and holds his head high.  “Less shit I have to worry about.”

I grip the steering wheel tighter, as I turn out of LAX and onto the main drag.  “I don’t think she wanted to leave you, Trace.  I just…I don’t think she had a choice.”  I glance at him quickly, and flinch a little when I see him staring at me. 

“What the hell did she tell you?” he says darkly.  “Because whatever she told you…it’s all a bunch of exaggerated bullshit, Kerri.”

Trace is angry…furious with the situation, and by the looks of it; with himself too.  “She seemed sincere enough, Trace.”  I force a reassuring tone.  “She said you’ve been having a lot of emotional problems. I guess…you’ve been worrying yourself sick over something.”  I stop at a red light, and look directly into his eyes.  Now, I can see it.  He’s battling with himself…holding some sort of horrible secret inside of him, and it’s taking every ounce of strength inside of him to do it.  “She said you won’t tell her what’s wrong…that she can’t even talk to you anymore because you push her away when she tries to.  I guess she just couldn’t take it anymore.  That’s why she left.”  The light changes again, and I accelerate forward.

“She just…doesn’t understand,” he supplies, with a reassuring tone.  “You know, she hasn’t known Justin as long as we have.  And she doesn’t know you at all.  So really, she’s not a part of this whole thing, and I think that’s what pissed her off so much from the start.  She can’t help out like you can, you know?”

One thing about Trace…he’s a really persuasive talker.  He can sit down with somebody he’s never met before, and have them eating out of the palm of his hand in five or ten minutes.  It’s one of the main reasons that Justin made him his business partner.  But I know all of his little tricks, and I’m wise to him.  He’s lying through his teeth right now.  “Elisha isn’t a jealous person,” I tell him.  “I could see that just by talking to her for twenty minutes.  If anything, she left you because she knew it would be the best thing for you.  She still…she still loves you.  And once you start thinking straight again, I’m sure…”

“I am thinking straight,” he interrupts.  “Jesus Kerri, what’s the matter with you? You’re acting like I’m not the same person I was before I left or something.  I’m still me…I haven’t changed.  She’s the one that’s twisted everything around.  She‘s trying to make it look like I‘m the bad person.”

In the past, I would have believed that.  But not right now.  When Elisha and I talked, I could tell that everything she was saying was the absolute truth…and that she wasn’t the type of person that lied to get revenge.  “Fine.  So if she’s exaggerating, and everything is okay…then why can’t you tell me what’s on your mind?  Why do you have to wait…and make me wonder?  It‘s stupid, Trace.  You‘ve always been able to talk to me.”

He doesn’t seem to have an answer for that one.

“Trace…”

He shakes his head.  “Nothing.  Nothing’s on my mind.  I just wanted to talk about Elisha, but we’re doing that now, so don’t worry about it anymore okay?  Tell me about the week.  How’s Justin? How was…”

“Stop avoiding me Trace!,” I yell.  “I’m not…I swear to God I’m not going to speak to you until you tell me what’s going on!”  I’m so angry, that I pull the car over to the side of the road.  I know I shouldn’t.  I know that I need to get us back to the house before Justin starts to worry, and starts bugging the crap out of Tiny.  But…I can’t take Trace back home like he is.  He’ll make Justin upset.  And Justin…Justin has come entirely too far this week to be brought back down again.  I want to tell Trace all about that part of things too.  I want to be able to tell him about how we went shopping, and how we bonded and how…how we kissed.  But right now Trace’s mind isn’t right, and he needs to talk to me about what’s going on with him.  I turn off the engine and sit back in my seat, folding my arms across my chest stubbornly for added measure.

“We can’t just sit here,” he finally says.  “You know how Justin worries.”

“This isn’t about Justin,” I mutter.  “For once, it’s about you.”

He stares at me, his eyes wide, jaw clenched in frustration.  I know what I’ve just said has knocked some sense into him.  It’s never about Trace…it’s either about Justin or me…or the both of us.  For once, he has the opportunity to talk about everything on his mind.  But he doesn’t want to.  He doesn’t want to take away from us.  He never does, and it’s not right.  He’s human.  He has feelings, and they shouldn’t have to go unnoticed all the time. 

“Kerri I…I don’t know.”  His voice quivers, and he looks down at his lap.  “This…this isn’t the kind of thing you go around telling people.”

I grab onto his hand.  “Trace.”

And he looks at me.

“You can tell me,” I tell him, making sure to look him directly in the eye. 

He tries, but he can’t seem to help but let a sob escape him.  He covers his eyes with his free hand.  “I can’t do this,” he whimpers, and shakes his head roughly.  “You…you won’t understand.  And Justin, Jesus…he’ll never speak to me again.”

I’m scared.  I don’t know what he could have possibly done, that’s causing him to worry so much.  “What’s this about,” I hear myself ask.  “Trace…at least tell me that.”

I feel his hand start to tremble, and then he finally manages to get out: “Shane.”

My heart stops, and then starts again.  I’m so shocked, that I let go of his hand.  I can’t speak, I can hardly breathe…I think I might vomit. Shane.  It’s the only thought running through my mind.  What the hell is going on?  I feel myself start to cry, and I can’t stop myself.  Now that everything is starting to turn around.  Now that Justin is starting to feel better, and I’m starting to let the barriers I’ve built around myself crumble…this all has to come back into play.   Why?  Why can’t we just be allowed to move on with our lives?  It’s like some sick joke that fate has been playing on us.  And it’s never going to go away. “I don’t…I don’t understand,” I sob.  “Trace…what are you talking about?”

“I told you, that you wouldn’t get it,” he moans.  “Jesus Kerri…I’m fucking sorry.”

A million horrific thoughts start to invade my mind.  Did Trace…could he have had something to do with our kidnapping?  I want to slap myself.  No…no that’s impossible.  Trace wouldn’t.  He couldn’t.  But then what?  What could he possibly have to do with that bastard?  “You have to tell me!” I yell at him, like a crazy woman.  I grip him by the shoulders and shake him a little.  “Right now Trace!” 

He pushes me back roughly.  “Stop!” he yells. “Just…calm down,” he sobs.  “Calm down, and I can explain…I swear…I can explain!”

I’m reminded of that day in the car…Justin’s Mercedes.  Being trapped in there with Nathan at the wheel.  Is this is going to be like that?  Is Trace one of them? Is he going to kill me?  “Don’t hurt me,” I beg him, and wrap my arms around myself protectively.  “Please Trace,” I whimper.  “Please.”

His mouth hangs open like I‘ve just hit him with a ton of bricks.  “Oh God, Kerri…” 

He reaches out for me, and I don’t want to let him touch me…but this is Trace.  Trace.  And god, he couldn’t possibly hurt me.  Right?  I let him wrap his arms around me, just because I don’t know what else to do.  I close my eyes, and wait for him to do something…like pull out a gun.  But nothing happens.  He just holds me, and cries a little bit.  He’s not going to hurt me.  He would never, ever hurt me.  And I feel like such a psycho right now. 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispers.  “Jesus…I’m not…I should have told you differently.”

After a moment, I push him away from me, and take a moment to make myself stop crying.  When I finally do, I look up at him again, and now he’s the one who’s completely lost his composure.  It’s weird to see Trace so far gone.  Actually, before today…I don’t think I’ve ever seen Trace cry this hard in front of me.  “You have to tell me what’s going on,” I manage.  “Trace…look at me.”

He does, but it takes him awhile to look me directly in the eyes.  “I’m so sorry,” he whimpers.  “Kerri I swear…I swear I didn’t know okay?”

He’s confusing me more every time he opens his mouth.  I feel completely lost again. As lost as I felt in the very beginning of this whole thing, when I was locked in that basement with Justin; not knowing whether or not I was going to make it out alive.  I want to trust Trace.  I want to believe that he couldn’t have done anything to provoke this kidnapping, but I just…I have no idea what’s going on right now.  Trace needs to simply come out with the truth right now, instead of stumbling around with it.  “Just tell me what happened.” I manage to say it calmly, but I have no idea how.  I silently thank God that Tiny agreed to stay with Justin at the house.  Because if he was here right now, I know this would get really ugly…really fast.

“Remember…”  Trace pauses, and draws in a long breath.  “Remember in the summer, when we were on tour; and I called you and told you the stage collapsed?”

This summer I didn’t go back home.  Instead, I stayed in the city with Siobhan and took a summer communications workshop at NYU, promising my parents that I’d be home in time for their anniversary.  It had been a weekend, I remember that well…because Siobhan’s father threw a party in the Hampton’s and his parties are always thrown on the weekends.  We went up to help decorate the house for the get together. It was sometime in the middle of a streamer fight with Siobhan that my phone rang.  I wasn’t surprised that it was Trace of course, because he usually called me two or three times a day during the Justified tour, so I could catch up on things…or just because he was bored. 

This time though, our conversation was a far cry from the silly, carefree one we usually shared.  Nobody really knew the reason, but the stage had fallen apart about two hours from show time.  Naturally, my first concern was for Trace’s safety…and Justin’s too.  My worst fear, was that he was going to tell me Justin had been hurt.  It was the first time I’d really been worried about him in three years, and while it was very awkward for me to be thinking about him, I realized that he was still a big part of my life whether I wanted to admit it or not.  Thankfully, nobody had been seriously injured, but the tour was brought to a standstill for about three weeks.  Needless to say, it was a huge disaster and Trace of course, found himself overwhelmed with the task of finding extra road crew workers to help rebuild the set.  I didn‘t think it should have been his problem; he was only Justin‘s assistant.  But being the awesome person he is, I know he wanted to help Justin out any way he could.

“Of course I remember,” I say.  “But what does that have to do with anything?”

He shrugs a little.  “I was rushing,” he blurts out.  “It was…Trace we need fifty more guys.  Trace we’re going to need thirty more guys.  And the road manager was supposed to be helping me out, but you know…he had enough to worry about, trying to find the new equipment for the set.  So half the time, I was interviewing those guys myself…” His voice trails off, and he sighs heavily.  “And I mean, yeah, maybe he didn’t seem all there…I guess.  God, how the hell was I supposed to know, Kerri?  I was trying to get shit done.”

My mouth gapes open a little.  It’s all starting to come together now.  How Shane and Nathan knew where Justin was going to be…why Nathan had never seen me with Justin before.  And why Trace has been blaming himself for this whole thing all along.  I wish he’d said something before, but then…I don’t know how I would have dealt with it before.  Now, I can think with a clearer mind.  But Justin…oh God.  Justin has no idea.  What’s he going to do?  If he finds out, it will kill him, and send him right back to square one.  But worst of all…his friendship with Trace will never be the same.  “They worked on the tour didn’t they?” I whimper.

“Shane did,” Trace sobs.  “I fucking…gave him a job the same day I interviewed him.  I gave that mother fucker a job, Kerri.”  He shakes his head roughly and puts his head in his hands.  “And the whole time, he was probably just waiting…and watching him…and fuckin, god…fantasizing about him or some shit.”

The whole thing is just too unbelievable to be true.  But it is true.  It’s true and I have to accept that.  I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do or say, to comfort him.  This goes way beyond comforting though.  I can’t even imagine how he must feel.  Now, I can understand why he was vomiting, and not sleeping, and shutting Elisha out.  I’m not angry at Trace, not at all…at least I don’t think I am.  But I do know that I’m confused.  Shane kidnapped us…he raped Justin, and came pretty damn close to taking my life.  How do I just…tell Trace it’s okay that he slipped up?  How do I tell him it’s okay that we almost died because he was in a rush?  I feel selfish, like I shouldn’t be thinking this way.  Maybe I shouldn’t.  After all, fate works in mysterious ways, and I guess part of me is still convinced that Justin and I were put through this for a reason.  But right now, I just…I don’t know.  “How long…how long have you known?” I whisper.

“I--I saw his picture on the TV a couple weeks after the kidnapping,” he sobs.  “And I remembered him.  I remembered him because I guess…I always knew that there was something up with that guy, Kerri.  I mean, we’d be walking through the venue after sound check…and there he would be, just standing there, watching us.  I tried to tell Tiny about it once, but…he thought I was being stupid.  And you know…I would have tried to talk to Justin about it, but I didn’t want to scare him.  I mean, he had to focus on going on stage every night and I wasn‘t going to jeopardize that.  I didn‘t think anything was going to happen…I figured he was harmless.”  He shakes his head.  “But I figured wrong.”

“Have you told anybody else?,” I ask, figuring if somebody else knows about this…I won’t be totally alone in my dilemma.

“No,” he whispers.  “I couldn’t even tell Elisha…that‘s why she‘s gone.”  He looks up at me.  “ I figured that you would be able to hear me out. You know, hear my side of the story before everybody finds out what I did.  That’s why I’m telling you this.”

It should make me feel good that Trace decided to break down and tell me what’s going on with him.  It means he has complete faith in me…and he doesn’t think I’m the failure that I’ve made myself out to be.  But I don’t feel good about this.  I mean, I’m one of the victims here…and to know that he was close enough to do away with Shane before he got the chance to…

No…This isn’t his fault. But I can’t make myself believe it.  I’m numb right now.  The only thing I know for sure is, if Trace simply hadn’t hired Shane…he would have had a much harder time getting to us like he did.  Sure, he probably would have tried something…and who knows what would have happened.  But it certainly wouldn’t have happened in our hometown, in fucking broad daylight.

“Johnny keeps calling me,” Trace continues.   “He keeps asking me all these questions, like if I’m okay, or if I have anything I need to tell him.  I think…he suspects something.  He wants me to come down to his office tomorrow for a ’meeting’.  Maybe it’s just him being concerned about the situation in general.  But I mean, I know there’s paperwork Kerri.  Shane had a file, and Johnny might have found it.  I…I don’t know what I’m going to do if that‘s the case.  Justin’s going to have to be informed…by somebody.  I mean, it just wouldn’t be right to keep it all from him like that.  Jesus,” he moans.  “What the hell do I do?”

I still don’t have an answer for him.  Hell, I’m so confused about this, I can barely look him in the eye right now.  I’m almost…scared of him.  I always thought Trace was so responsible, and I guess it’s why I felt safe leaving Justin with him when I went back to New York.  But now, I don’t think I’ll feel safe leaving Trace alone with Justin for some time.  I know its wrong…crazy even.  Trace never meant for this to happen, and I’m sure if he’d taken control of his feelings during the tour, and looked at Shane a little more closely…this whole thing could have been prevented.  I know Trace is thinking the same thing.  I feel horrible not being able to tell him that he doesn’t’ have to worry, and that I don’t blame him…

But I guess…I do blame him.

“Kerri?”

“Yeah,” I mumble. 

“I…I never meant for this to happen,” he whimpers.  “I wish like hell every day, that I could go back and set things right.  But there’s nothing I can do about it.  It’s just…it’s done.  And I’m trying to make it up to y’all.  I’m sorry I went on vacation…I shouldn’t have done that…”

“Trace,” I interrupt.  “Rambling is going to make it worse.”

He frowns, and looks down at his lap.  “You hate me don’t’ you?”

“No…I just…”

“You blame me.”

I look at him.  I want to smile and tell him that’s not true.  And I try to.  I force a smile and try to sound believable when I say “No…I don’t.”  But the look on his face is telling me that he’s not buying it.  Why should he though?  Trace isn’t an idiot, and he can always tell when I’m being fake or when I’m lying to him. Why am I wasting my energy?  Why don’t I just tell him how I really feel?  I know why.  It’s because I don’t want to admit my true feelings to myself.  If I do, I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself.  “I’m so confused,” I say.  At least that’s not a lie.  “I don’t want to blame you…but I…I don’t’ know what to think right now.”

His bottom lip quivers, and a moment later, he’s sobbing all over again.  I force myself to hold him, it’s the least I can do for him…my best friend, right now.  “We’ll work it out,” I tell him, half confidently.  “We will.”

“I don’t know,” he sobs, and leans his head on my shoulder.  “I…I don’t think this is going to work out, Kerri.  Not this time.”

I suck in a breath, and try to tell myself that he’s wrong.  That any situation can work be worked out, if enough effort is put in.  But this time…this time I think Trace might be right.  This is too big, too deep to move past, and Justin is going to disown him once he finds out.  I hate this…I hate everything right now.  The other night…the kiss, they don’t even matter anymore because soon, that Justin is going to be nonexistent.  It angers me.  I want to be happy…happy with Justin.  But now, I can’t be…

Because of Trace.

“He has to know,” Trace decides suddenly, and pulls away from me.  “I can’t…I can’t hold it in anymore, Kerri.  He’s gotta know before we go on tour, because…I don’t want him putting all of his trust in me, if I’m just going to fuck him over again.”

I look out my window, as a few tears crawl down my face.  I try to think of something…anything we can use to tell Justin about this in a way that won’t hurt him.  But…there’s no easy way around this.  The only way that Justin is going to find out the truth, is if he’s told straight out.  It’s going to ruin everything--everything he’s been working so hard to get back.  It makes all the therapy, and all the things he went through in the clinic seem pointless.  And I know that’s going to anger him most of all.  He’ll want to give up, crawl back inside himself.  Only…there’s no way I’m going to let that happen.  I’ll do whatever I have to do.  I’m not going to let him drown in his sorrows all over again.

“Do you think…” Trace speaks up after a few moments.  “Do you think you can forgive me Kerri?”

I shake my head.  I feel horrible for holding this against him.  It’s ridiculous, stupid…childish.  He couldn’t have known, and even if he did think there was something wrong with Shane after he hired him…nobody would have believed him if he made a big deal about it.  There’s no reason to blame him for this.  Not a one.  But somehow…somehow I’m still managing to.  “I’m a horrible person, Trace,” I whisper.  “There’s no reason for me to blame you for this.”

“He tried to kill you,” he states bluntly.  “And I could have prevented it.  That‘s reason enough.”

I meet his gaze again, and give him a serious look.  “Do you want me to tell you that I blame you?”

“You don’t need to,” he says.  “I already know you do.”

I don’t say anything this time.  There’s no point in telling him the truth, because he already knows it.  He already knows that I blame him for this.  And soon, Justin will be blaming him too.  Then other people will find out, and God…some of them will blame him for this too.  I don’t know what’s going to happen…I can’t see into the future, and I don’t know if Justin is strong enough to handle this without going insane again.  Part of me wants to keep this a secret from him forever; but what good will that do?  He needs to know…there’s no other way around it.  But, he’s come a long way right? Surely, he’ll be able to look past this and view it all as a mistake, right?  But how is Justin going to get over the fact that Trace, his best friend…his brother, was partially responsible for our kidnapping…and his rape?

Uncertainty is a horrible thing.
*********************
I think about life a lot.  How like, precious it is and shit.  And how it can be snatched away from you so fast, you don’t know what the hell hit you until it’s too late.  That’s what happened to me, and now that I’m getting back on track I feel like a whole new person.  Like some big sinner that’s suddenly been given a second chance at life.  And I don’t think I could ever take anything for granted again, even if I tried to.  Everything that the people in my life have done, or are doing for me now is a blessing, and sometimes I wonder why I’m so fortunate.  Why do I have so many people in my life that care enough about to me to sacrifice their lives and priorities for me?  Am I really that special?

I don’t feel special.  In fact, most of the time I feel inferior to the rest of the world.  Like a failure, or a monster…even a killer.  Nobody knows what it feels like to take a life unless they’ve actually done it.  And while I know that I had to do it…I had to kill them in order for us to survive, a part of me still feels ashamed that I did it.  That guy Nathan…he was just a kid.  Probably younger than me.  I mean, he could have gotten himself straightened out.  He wasn’t’ as crazy as Shane was, and with the right help…he would have done his time and came out of jail a little wiser.  But I never gave him that chance.  And he even…he begged me to spare his life. 

But I shot him anyway.

The guilt plagues me…late at night when Kerri isn’t around to comfort me.  It snatches me up, terrifies me, and tells me that I’m horrible for what I did.  Sometimes Shane is there…and he’s the one saying these things to me.  He hates me because I took his brothers life.  But I didn’t’ know what else to do…and he knows what Nate did so he should understand…but he never understands, despite everything I try to tell him.  Hell, I’ve even gone as far to apologize to him…and, ask for his fucking forgiveness.  How crazy is that?  I want to be forgiven for something I had no control over.  I mean, I’m sure we’d both be dead if I didn’t kill the both of them.  It would have been Kerri first and…I don’t’ even want to think about what would have happened to me…

Kerri's lips were as soft and smooth as I remembered them.  Kissing her felt like a letting out a breath that I'd been holding in for three years.  It sent me back in time, reminded me of the person I used to be, and proved to me that my feelings for Kerri had never really gone away.  Of course the whole thing confused me too, but why wouldn't it have?  Cam was the last woman I was intimate with before Kerri came back into the picture, and even then...I was too ashamed of myself to do anything with her.  Not that I’ve gotten over my whole gay phase.  I’m still confused and terrified of myself, and what this could all do to Kerri if I find out that I really am gay.  I mean, what if the kiss was just a cover up of my true feelings?  Like, I want to be straight so bad that I forced myself to kiss her back that night…

Just like Shane forced me to kiss him, and made me believe that I’m gay.

It’s not fair.  I have to figure this out…I have to know the truth.  But how can I figure it out? Do I go and hire a male escort and give him head?  God…I want to puke just thinking about it…

“What’s the crazy doctor making you write in there?” Tiny laughs.  “You bringin’ out your inner child J?”

I glance up from the page, and shoot him a sarcastic smile.  I know he means well…joking around with me.  If it were anybody else I’d probably get really pissed off.  But I can’t get mad at Tiny.  He’s worked with me for years…and watched over me like a father would watch over his son, and no matter what I do to repay him, in my heart I don’t feel it will ever be enough.  He’s trying to brighten my mood, so I won’t drown myself in my problems.  But what he doesn’t understand is, my journal is my way out.  I can write whatever I want in it, without the fear of somebody getting mad or uncomfortable.  Not even Trace knows about some of things I’ve written in this book, and he never will.  A lot of it’s too deep and gross to talk about…but maybe that’s a good thing.  It’s good to have something that’s mine and only mine.  At least, that’s what Madison has told me.  “It’s just part of the therapy.” I manage to smile.  I quickly close my journal, and tuck it underneath my arm…hoping he’ll forget about the subject all together.

“How’s that going?,” he continues.

I swallow hard.  “It’s going,” I say.   Naturally, Tiny is curious about my rehabilitation, because I haven’t really clued him into it.  And my mother knows so little about it, that whatever she’s been telling him has been based on what Trace has told her.  And Trace, god…he’s only been telling her the bare minimum as it is.  But that’s the way I want it.  I don’t want her knowing too much about Madison, or what I talk about with her…because I’d die if she found out about the Butt Sex.  After all this time, I still don’t feel that she could understand or accept what happened to me.  I’m her only child, and…for her to know that I let something like that happen to me would break her.  I just know it would. 

My mom not knowing…its probably one of the only things that Madison is still trying to get me to do something about.  She tells me that I need to talk to her about this, before she finds out from somebody else.  But really, I don’t know who would tell her.  Trace would probably die before he would betray me that way.  That only leaves Kerri, and I know that she wouldn’t do that to me.  We’re close again, and she knows how hard this thing with Shane has been on me…I trust her.   I have to trust her.

“This doctor of yours…she coming out on tour?,” Tiny continues.

I know for a fact that my mom and Johnny feel I should have a shrink out on the road with me.  But I really don’t want one.  Like, I think it would make everything more complicated.  The tour…having people asking me who she is.  I would be embarrassed I guess…having to tell people that I need a psychiatrist on the road with me.  Of course I could lie.  But that’s never really been my thing.  It’s hard for me to lie to people.  I guess because before all this happened, I never had to lie to people before…and I wasn’t raised that way either.  I suck in a breath.  “We’re deciding that next week.” 

“I think it’s a good idea,” Tiny says.

I cross my arms, and sigh a little.  “I don’t know.  I think I’m better off just going out on my own, you know?    Kerri and Trace are gonna be there, and they both understand.  I can talk to them just like I talk to Madison…so what’s the point of paying her to travel with us?”

Tiny laughs his infamous sarcastic laugh.  “Trace and Kerri got PhD’s now?”

I scowl.  I hate when he treats me like a kid . I know he doesn’t really know any other way, because he’s known me since I was fifteen…but still, I’m twenty two years old.  I’m a man…I guess, and I want to be treated like one.  “No.”

“Your shrink is coming,” he practically orders.  “You’re gonna need her around with all those crazy people screaming in your face, J.”

“Fine.  Then you’re carrying a gun,” I counter.  “And so is Eric.”

He shoots me a dark look.  “We’ve been through this.”

I brought the idea up a few weeks ago.  I’d been on a conference call with Johnny, Rob my road manager, and Tiny.  We were discussing different aspects of the tour.  Where I’d be performing…how many shows there would be and such.  Then the matter of security came up, and I was glad because it was one of the only things about the tour that I’d been worrying about anyway.  I’d even made notes about what I wanted…in my journal.  I know it’s crazy, but I want my security to carry guns with them.  Especially Tiny and Eric because they are the ones who are always with me.  I’ll feel more secure that way.  Like, if anybody came after me I know a gun would scare them away.  Guns are intimidating.  They give you power, and when you hold one…everybody does exactly what you want them to do.

When I had one, it was the only time I had some kind of power over Shane.

“And I’m paying your salary,” I snap.  “I‘m the only one who‘s supposed to be giving the orders around here.”

“Until you’re better…your momma is handling that kinda stuff,” he reminds me. So if you want, I can get on the phone with her right now and get her opinion on all of this.  I’m sure she would love to know that you want an armed force traveling around with you this tour.”

I send him a cold glare.  “Don’t treat me like a kid,” I grunt.

“Then stop acting like one.”

I feel the anger flare up inside of me.  It’s weird, because I’ve never been mad at Tiny before.  But now I am.  Now…I want to strangle him, make him sorry for making me feel stupid and inferior.  But Tiny is way too big for me to take on, and I know he’ll put me in a chokehold until Kerri and Trace get back if I try anything.  “If you won’t do it,” I continue, angrily.  “I can find somebody else who will.” 

He laughs a little.  “You tryin’ to get rid of me, Justin?”

I shrug.  I hate that I can’t make him angry.  The only thing he seems to be thinking right now, is that I’m being stupid and he has all the authority.  “You work for me,” I remind him.  “It’s not the other way around.  I can fire you if I want to, and I will if you don‘t start respecting me.”

He leans forward, an intimidating look on his face.  I swallow hard.  I’ve only seen Tiny get really angry a few times…and it’s not pretty.  “Boy, don’t you even run your spoiled ass little mouth like that to me.  I’ve done so much shit for your ass…too much.”  He shakes his head in annoyance.  “Who do you think held shit together when that bastard took you?”

I look at him like he’s crazy.  “Trace,” I say bluntly.

He laughs.  “Right.  When he wasn’t too busy freaking out any way.”

“Trace held shit together.”  I won’t believe anything else.  I just…I guess I have this mental picture of him in my mind, taking phone calls and making negotiations with Shane; because that’s what he does when he’s working with me.  He handles my business calls, and makes sure everything runs smoothly.  Why would the kidnapping have been different?  “You’re not going to make me think differently.”

“I was at the house, Justin,” he grunts.  “The kid practically had a nervous breakdown that first night.  I don’t mean to talk bad about him, Justin.  He’s your boy…and that’s cool.  But I’m just stating facts.  Your momma, the police, and I were the ones handling how sh'it went down.” He crosses his large arms across his broad chest, and stares at me.  “Fuck man…I was there when she gave the money to that son of a bitch.”

I never knew that, but its probably because I’ve never bothered to ask.  But of course I’ve never asked.  Hell, I don’t want to relive that sh'it.  I’m trying to move past it as quickly as I can, and asking questions only leads to being reminded of everything I went through.  But still, just to think that Trace sat home and did nothing while…

Wait.

What the hell am I thinking about? 

“I’m sorry for being so straight forward,” Tiny speaks up, when I don’t respond.  “Man, I just want you to use your head.  What the hell will people think if they see you walkin around with armed guards?  You know it’s goin’ to lead to stupid ass reporters asking questions you don’t want to answer.  I don’t need a gun to protect you J.  I’ve been doing this a long time a’ight? So just let me do my job the way I’ve always done it.”

Tiny has more than proved his point to me.  Now, instead of feeling angry and childish…I just feel like an asshole.  Like, I’ve insulted him or something.  I haven’t really given Tiny all the credit he deserves.  I mean, I know he did a lot for Kerri and me when we were in that place, and maybe…if he hadn’t done everything in his power to get us back, we might be dead right now.  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and shake my head.  “I’m such an asshole sometimes.”  I put my head in my hands and let out a heavy sigh.  “I just…you know, I’m still scared Tiny.”

“It’s fine,” I hear him say, and a moment later I feel his large hand fall onto my shoulder.  “Just…don’t worry so much about this kinda stuff.  I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you or Kerri or anybody else, and neither is Eric.  So just chill man…and enjoy life for once.  Lord knows you deserve to.”

I pick my head up to tell him how thankful I am to have him around.  But then I hear a key turn in the lock, and the door swings open.  I see Kerri and Trace walk into the house and I smile.  They’re just what I need right now.

“We’re back,” Kerri huffs and drops the duffle bag she‘s been carrying on the floor.  “God, that airport traffic is horrible.” She shoots me a small smile, before walking past us and into the kitchen.

“Well look what the cat dragged in,” Tiny laughs and gets up from the sofa.  “Maybe I can go home and get some rest now?”

Trace chuckles slightly.  “Yeah Tiny.  Thanks for staying.”

“J, I guess tomorrow Johnny wants to have a lunch meeting,” Tiny informs me.  “So I’ll come pick you guys up around eleven…that cool?”

I nod.  “Yeah.”  I shoot him a reassuring smile.  “I’ll see you then.” 

Tiny leaves, not before shooting off some sarcastic remark to Trace about ‘knocking some more sense into Justin’s ass before tomorrow.’  Once he’s completely gone I stand up, and look at Trace.  He’s standing in the doorway….lingering basically, like he doesn’t’ know what to do with himself.  He looks bad too…really bad.  Weak.  Almost sickly, and I can’t remember a time that Trace has looked so bad other than two summers ago when he got that really weird stomach bug.  I feel really bad for him.  I’m sure his breakup with Elisha was ugly, and he’s probably so damn confused. 

But…I think I might be able to help him.  I know what it’s like to be lost and confused, and not have any hope for the future.  And I know it’s wrong, but in a way I kind of feel good that I’m the stronger person right now.  It’s the first time since everything happened that I’ve been able to look Trace in the eye and know that he needs my help instead of it being the other way around. “Hey man,” I whisper and shove my hands in my pockets.  “You have a good flight?”

He looks up at me after a moment, and forces a small smile.  “It was all right.”

“You wanna maybe, go for a bite or somethin'?  Maybe talk a little?”

He shrugs.  “Eh, I’m kinda tired from the flight.” He finally sets foot into the house and closes the door behind him.  “Maybe we can go to dinner later on though.”

Weird.  Trace hasn’t seen me in a week, and normally he would be throwing questions at me left and right.  I figured he would want to know about how things went down…how Kerri and I got along, and I really want to tell him.  I want him to know that Kerri and I have rekindled our friendship (or whatever it is now), and that I’m really starting to recover from all of this.  I want to tell him that he doesn’t have to worry so much anymore…that he needs to call up Elisha and try to work things out.  I feel horrible about that.  It’s my fault that she left, and I know that she was the love of Trace’s life.  Hell, if he won’t try to get back with her, I might have to take it upon myself to go and talk to her.  I know they need each other right now.  “I’m sorry about Elisha,” I mumble.  “I know it’s my fault, Trace.”

He laughs a little.  “Elisha?  J, you don’t’ need to worry about that okay?” He walks past me, and I follow him into the kitchen.  Kerri is sitting at the table, drinking a coke and reading a magazine.  She doesn’t look up at us though, and I start to feel uncomfortable.

 “We grew apart, people do that sometimes,” he continues.  “And, you know…I don’t think I loved her as much as I thought I did.  It was one of those phases that I go through.  You know,” he winks and opens the fridge.  “That family man phase…like you went through with Britney.”  He pulls out a bottle of coke, and unscrews the cap.

“You’re full of shit,” I mutter.  He’s shutting me out right now, and I hate that.  He’s not supposed to, because he’s my best friend, and according to Madison…he's the person I'm supposed to rely on for complete support while I'm dealing with what happened.  Our friendship isn’t weak.  The only time it was, was when I was cutting and couldn’t bring myself to tell him.  But now that’s over and done…we made it through all that bullsh'it; but he still thinks he has to keep things from me so I won’t get hurt.  It angers me a lot.  I’m not a baby, and I can handle whatever it is that he's keeping from me. “You still love her.  I know you do.”

“No,” he snaps.  “I don’t.  So let’s drop it okay?”  He gulps down the rest of his soda and tosses the bottle into the garbage.  “Tell me about your week.  What happened while I was gone?” He eyes Kerri, and she finally looks up from her reading.  “Anything I need to know?”

I glance at Kerri and see the expression on her face grow into a nervous one.  I feel the same way inside.  What do we do? Do we tell him about all the bad shit that happened…like the wine and the fights and the crying? Or do we lie, stick to the good stuff, and make up some other shit to go along with it?  I know its going against The List, keeping things from Trace. But he’s going through something right now, and I figure telling him the truth will only like, give him an ulcer or something.  “It was basically just you’re average, boring week at home,” I say, quickly.

Trace crosses his arms across his chest and stares at me.  It’s obvious that he thinks I’m full of shit, just like I know he’s full of shit about his breakup.  Fuck.  I can’t lie for my life.

“There’s something you’re both keeping from me,” he nods, and gives Kerri an annoyed look.  “What’s going on?”

Kerri stands up and glares at Trace before I can respond.  “We can all keep secrets Trace,” she snaps, and storms out of the kitchen.

“Ker?” I call after her, but she doesn’t respond.  I look at Trace again, feeling more confused than I’ve been in awhile.  “What was that about?” I ask him.  “She okay?”

He chuckles sadly.  “Yeah.  You know how she can be.  All dramatic and shit.”

I‘m confused.  “Dramatic and shit?”  I cross my arms, and stare at him for a moment.  “Did you two have an argument on the way back here?”

He chuckles a little.  “No.  What makes you think that?”

I shrug.  “I don’t know.  She was fine this morning…and now she’s all pissed off, so you tell me.”

“Look, I’ve had a hell of a long week and I’m really tired Justin,” he sighs.  “If she wants to be all bitchy and shit, it’s not my problem.  I don’t have the time or the patience to think about it right now.  So why don’t you stop bugging me, and let me go lie down for awhile so I can sort all of this out.”

Who the hell is this guy and what did he do with my best friend?  He hasn’t asked me how my appointment with Madison went, or if I’ve been tempted to cut at all without him here.  He doesn’t seem to care either way, and while I know I’m supposed to understand that he’s going through something…I just know that Trace isn’t the type to simply focus on himself and forget all about his best friends.  Kerri…I know something must have happened between them.  But what?  Kerri didn’t speak to Trace any more than I did this week, if she did I’m sure she would have told me about it.  Especially since the kiss and everything.  “I’m sorry,” I barely hear myself say the words to him.  Its like a natural reaction to this guilty feeling I have inside of me.  And I feel guilty because in my heart, I know I’ve made Trace’s life miserable.

“Damn J…” he sighs and moves closer to me.  “Don’t apologize.  I’m…I shouldn’t’ be talking to you like this.  I don’t know where my head is right now.  You understand right?”

I don’t, but I smile a little and say “yeah”, just so he wont have to worry about anything else but himself right now. 

He gives me a reassuring pat on the shoulder.  “We’ll go to dinner later okay?  I want to hear about everything you did this week, good or bad.”

“Sure, man.” I force a smile for him.  “That’ll be great.”

“Cool.”  He smiles at me one last time, before walking out to the back deck and taking a seat in one of the lounge chairs.  I know I could follow him, and he wouldn’t really protest.  But I know he needs this time to be alone and think right now.  He’s gotta think about…Elisha, and whatever is going on with him and Kerri.  God, I’m confusing myself.  I should go talk to Kerri about this, but I have a feeling that if I do I’m only going to come out of the conversation more hurt and confused that I normally am.

And that won’t be good for anybody involved.

Shrouded In Uncertainty