I wake up in a cold sweat, and I wrap my arms around myself before taking a deep breath.  I’m trembling and I crunch myself into a ball to try and make it stop…but I can’t stop.  I’m so cold…so scared.  I don’t want to be alone.  Not now, not ever.  “Don’t leave me alone,” I whisper, my voice quivering with every word.

“Wha…Ker?”

Then the light is switched on, and I’m brought back to reality.  I can see the room…Justin’s room, and a wave of relief washes over me.  I’m safe…I’m here in the house, and I’m not alone.  After a moment, I stop trembling enough so that I’m able to sit up, and I finally realize that I fell asleep in Justin’s bed.  I don’t remember how or why…I just know that I’m here.  I finally look at him.  He’s sitting up like I am, staring at me like he doesn’t know what to do.  I’m sure I’ve scared him, and I feel bad.  Justin deserves to be able to rest without me waking him up, because I’ve had some crazy dream.  “Hey,” I whisper.  “Sorry…just go back to sleep okay?”

But he doesn’t listen to me.  He cups my cheek in his hand, a knowing look in his tired eyes.  “Bad dream.”  It’s not a question.

I don’t quite meet his gaze.  “I’ll be fine,” I reassure him, before reaching up and moving his hand away from my face.  “God, what time is it?”  I glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand.  Damn…it’s already eight fifteen  But I guess that’s a good thing.  It means I slept through the night.  Sleep…surprisingly it’s starting to become part of my life again.  It’s weird to think that for all that time, the concept was so foreign to me.  I have to admit though, I’ve been feeling a lot better the past few days.  I’m haven’t been so stressed; I was starting to feel normal again. Almost like myself…

But what Trace told me yesterday, put an end to my happiness…and allowed me to lose what little strength and composure I managed to build up over the past few days.  It’s bullshit.  My life is one big load of bullshit.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be happy.  Hell, I haven’t been happy in over three years.  I feel like I’m dangling on a thin thread of emotions, that’s so weak from being pulled and yanked that it’s about to snap, sending me to my doom.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  I thought…I thought I was starting to get back on track.  I thought that Justin was going to be able to fix me and help me to forget everything.  And I guess he was doing that… for a couple of days.  But now I feel like I’m about to lose everything all over again.

I can’t deal with it, and I know what the next step is for me…

A bar and a bottle of the strongest liquor on the shelf.

“Too early,” Justin let’s out a tired laugh, and pulls me closer to him.  “We should get at least another hour in before the day starts.”

I shake my head.  As much as I know that I’m going to be okay…that I’m over the nightmare; I don’t want to close my eyes and chance having another one.  It’s too risky, and I don’t want to get Justin all freaked out before he has to go to that business lunch later this morning.  “I don’t think I can sleep anymore.”  I force a laugh and stretch my arms out a little.  “You sleep though, and I’ll wake you around nine so you can get your shower okay?”

He shrugs a little.  “I can’t sleep without you.”

I’ve been sleeping in Justin’s bed with him since the night after we kissed.  I never intended on doing so, but we ended up talking all night and by the time we realized what time it was; I was too tired to shuffle back to my bedroom.  Justin was the one that suggested I sleep in his bed, and it was probably irresponsible of me to take him up on his offer.  But it was irresponsible of me to kiss him too; so I figured sleeping in his bed with him couldn’t do much harm. So I did…and for the second time, I slept through the night.  I felt so safe in his warm bed, with his body next to mine.  I guess I felt protected, like nothing could get inside my head as long as he was there warding off the demons.  After that night, I couldn’t make myself sleep in my own bed.  And now that Trace is back…I know its time to start acting normal again.  But deep inside of me, I know that I’m not going to be able to.  Just like Justin isn’t going to have an easy time getting to sleep from now on, unless I’m right beside him.

Trace has no idea about what’s been going on with us.  But, how could he?  He has entirely too much on his mind to pay attention, and the selfish part of me is thankful for that.  But I know he’s going to find out soon, and then…I don’t know how he’ll react, or how uncomfortable he’ll make Justin feel about the whole thing.  I know he’s beyond stressed right now, because of what “he did”; an now that I know the truth about what’s going on with him, I wouldn’t blame him if he turned the whole thing around on us and made our kissing and cuddling into bad thing. 

Not that I want that to happen.  I like what I’ve been sharing with Justin these past few days.  It’s something I’ve missed.  Something that I lost a long time ago, that I’ve suddenly gotten back.  And now that I’ve gotten it back…I feel somewhat whole again.  I’m not so confused about it as I was in the beginning, just nervous.  Justin had a point when he said that it just feels right when we‘re close.  It does.  But on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that what we have is solid…or that it’s going to turn into anything serious either.  And I can’t try and hope that it will, because that’s risky. 

I’m not about to let him break my heart again.

Justin lays back down, and opens his arms to me, willing me to fall into them and lay my head on his chest.  I shouldn’t.  I’m confused and stressed out enough as it is.  But I can’t help myself.  It’s like some crazy temptation that I just can’t resist.  So I accept his offer.  I lay back, and he wraps his arms around me as my body makes contact with his.  I feel his lips touch the top of my head, and I let out a little sigh.  I feel so damn complete right now…

This can’t be good.

“You’re gonna come to the lunch meeting with us right?” he whispers.  “I know Johnny wants to see you.”

I’ve never been comfortable around Justin’s management or the other people that help run his career.  They’re all so serious, so professional, and I’ve never been able to fit in with them.  I’ve always been so laid back and carefree…just like Justin is when he doesn’t have pretend to be forty years old.  People like Johnny have always intimidated me, made me feel like less of a person.  And  now that everything has happened to me, I’m not going to be able to handle myself if he asks me the wrong question or looks at me the wrong way.  Hell, I’m so weak I’ll probably cry if I get too nervous, and then Justin won’t want anything to do with me.  “I don’t think I should,” I finally reply.  “I mean, I have some stuff to do and…”

“You don’t need to be afraid of Johnny,” he tells me with a knowing smile.  “He’s not like some of the other stupid fuck heads that run my career, you know that Kerri.  You‘ve been around him.”

“Still,” I protest.  “It’s a business lunch, and you and Trace need to focus.  I mean, Justin…we’re leaving for New York soon.”

“Oh come on.”  Now he’s annoyed.  “Like you’re not a part of business Ker? Like…like you’re not going to be helping out and shit?”

I give him an odd look.  Me? Help him with his career?  Justin has never propositioned me like this before, and I’m surprised that he would choose this point in our friendship to bring the idea up.  Is he serious? I mean, Jesus, he knows how unstable I am.  If the slightest little thing goes wrong, I know I’m liable to lose it.  “No,” I blurt out.  “You’re crazy if you think I can handle that kind of responsibility right now.”  I try to pull away from him, but he tightens his embrace, keeping me snug against his chest.  “God, would you stop!” I whine.

“You’re talking about responsibility?,” he counters.  “Kerri, you just got through one of the toughest weeks I’ve probably ever put you through.  I mean sure, you had your moments, but for the most part you were there for me, you know?  And…I’ve never been prouder to have you as my friend.  I mean that Kerri, and…I want you to help me out this tour.  I…I need you to be there for me.  You and Trace.”

I cringe slightly at the mention of Trace’s name.  I wish Justin already knew.  Damn it, I really wish he did.  Then I wouldn’t feel guilty, like I do right now.  I really hope Trace talks to him about Shane, like, today because Justin needs to know the truth.  It’s the right thing to do.  Really, Trace should have been a man and told the both of us exactly what he told me, instead of keeping it from Justin. But Trace…well, sometimes he can be a wimp when it comes to Justin being mad at him.  It’s kind of lame, but it’s the way he’s always been.  He’s terrified of losing Justin’s friendship.  Sometimes he acts like it’s all he has, and that really scares me.  I mean, he’s known me almost as long as he’s known Justin, but sometimes it seems that I don’t matter as much to him. But I guess it doesn’t matter now anyway…

Because I don’t even know if I can be his friend anymore.

“Say you’ll come today,” Justin pleads.  “Come on Kerri.”  He inches his face closer to mine, and tucks a stray strand of my hair back into place.  “It’s important to me.”

“Why is it so important?,” I whisper, my eyes locked on his as I say the words.  I try to make myself look away from him.  I’m slipping…again, and I know that.  But I can’t help it.  It’s like I’m addicted to him…like I need him to feel alive right now, because everything else is falling apart.

“Because…”  he pauses and sucks in a breath.  “Because you’re important to me.”

It’s not fair.

He inches his face closer to mine, and then he kisses me.  Soft and long, letting his lips linger lightly against them before he deepens the kiss.  I should pull away, but I don’t.  Instead, I play along.  He wills my mouth open with his tongue and I allow him access.  I’m falling into him…faster and deeper.  Stronger and more passionate with each passing second.  Our kissing grows hotter, heavier, and I hear him whisper “Kerri,” in my ear.  It’s all too familiar.  I could rip off my clothes right now and let myself become a part of him all over again…I know I could.  I shudder a little, my nerves and emotions starting to take their toll on my weak, vulnerable soul.

Then he brushes his hand across my cheek, and lowers his pajama clad body on top of mine. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers, his smile soft and warm, reassuring me that he’s not uncomfortable about this.

I think to my self…so are you.  But I don’t tell him this.  I can’t get anything out, because his lips are on my neck, sucking at it, toying with my skin…willing me to make a move of my own.  I quickly feel my hands grip his tee shirt, willing it away from his body.  Then it’s off.  It’s off and he stops kissing me.  For a moment, he doesn’t say anything.  I know he’s confused.  This is too much…God…no…what are you doing!, my mind screams, but I ignore it.  All I can see is him.  And all I want…is for him to fall in love with me like he was supposed to originally. 

That’s pretty selfish, I hear Nathan whisper.  Just look at what happened to him.  Fuckin' bitch.  All you think of is yourself.  What are you good for….

I shake my head.  Nothing, I think.  I swallow hard, and force myself to make him stop before something happens that I know he can’t deal with.  “We can’t do this,” I manage.  But he doesn’t seem to hear me.  He‘s close to me, his face pressed dangerously close to mine. He‘s staring me down, a wanting, desperate look in his eyes.  He’s searching me, I realize.  Trying to find something he lost…maybe something he lost three years ago.  And I want to give it to him…

Stop it.

I force myself back to the real world.  This is has gone on far enough for one day.  “Justin stop,” I tell him.  I push on his chest lightly.  “Stop.”

He stares back at me.  “Did I do something wrong?” he whispers, breathlessly.  “Am I…,” he pauses and catches his breath.  “This is awkward right?”

This is fucking insane.  I used to dream about this.  Laying in bed, Justin hovering over me, wanting me and only me.  It happened it once, and we both screwed it up.  I lost him.  But now, history is repeating itself.  I have another chance.  A chance to make this right…to get my way.  To show him that he can love a woman again…love me.  But I just…I know it’s not going to work right now.  He’s still not all there, and I have a hell of a nerve letting this come as far as it has.  “Yeah,” I whisper.  “I guess it is.” 

He bites his bottom lip, but he doesn’t move.  He doesn’t lift himself off of me and he doesn’t look away from me.  “Do you feel like it’s a bad thing?”

I‘m so mixed up and confused right now.  No, I don’t think it‘s a bad thing.  But yes, I feel awkward doing this with him.  And yes, he was raped.  And yes, he still doesn‘t know where his mind is.  And yes, deep inside of him, he’s still struggling with his sexuality.  But I can‘t say any of it to him.  I can‘t say anything except : “I don’t know what to say.  I mean…we just fell into this…”

He cuts me off with another light kiss on the neck.  “But, I like falling into it with you Ker,” he whispers.  “That’s gotta count for something.  Don’t you think?

He says it with such passion, such caring and love that I can’t find my voice.  I’m speechless, and when he kisses me again…hard, powerful…I’m literally breathless.  We fall back into what we were doing.  I feel him tugging at my own shirt this time, and I allow him to start lifting it up…exploring me, seemingly without an ounce of discomfort.  The little voice in the back of my mind is terrified…screaming at me No! Don’t! It’s dangerous!

But being around Justin has always been dangerous when it’s come to my emotional well being.

I hear some kind of tapping sound…coming from somewhere.  But Justin doesn’t seem to notice it, and then I feel…I feel his hands on my breasts.  A million crazy sensations nag at me, and I suddenly wonder…is this happening?  I forget about the sound.  “Justin,” I whisper.  “Justin…”

“You okay?” He looks up at me with concern.  “I’ll stop…” He shakes his head, seemingly battling with himself.  He’s frustrated.  Frustrated because of me.  “This is crazy.”

“I…” I start to say something.  Something stupid like ‘no keep going, because I’m a vulnerable moron who can‘t control herself around you.’  But I never get the chance to get the words out.  The door opens,  I turn my head quickly and have to do a double take.  Trace…

“Justin, Tiny called and…oh.”

Shit, shit, shit.

Justin slides off of me and throws the blanket over  my body.  It’s only now that I realize that my shirt wasn’t just lifted up…it was off, along with my sports bra.  Oh Jesus Christ.  Oh lord…What the hell did you just do, Kerri?

“Trace,” Justin laughs, fumbling for his tee shirt.  He finally discovers it, yanks it over his head, and slowly stands up; trying to play it cool.  Like what Trace just walked in on didn’t happen.  “What‘s up man?” 

It’s official.  I’m fucking mortified.  I stare back at Trace, and wait for him to say something…anything to break the awkwardness of the moment.  But he just stands there, looking at us like we’ve just performed some unspeakable act.  I want to scream at him, tell him that he has no business thinking what we were doing was wrong, and that he’s the only one that needs to be sorry.  That he’s the one that’s  been screwing Justin over, not me.  I’m just helping and…Justin wants to kiss me.  I know he does.  And I’m going to let him if it makes him feel better.

“Tiny said he’ll be here around ten thirty,” Trace mutters.  “Sorry to intrude.”

“Trace come on,” Justin sighs.  “Don’t start.”

But Trace doesn’t answer.  He only shoots me a cold look, telling me I should know better, before disappearing from the doorway.

“Shit,” I groan, and put a hand to my forehead.  I’m fully expecting Justin to lose his temper now.  He’s going to start shouting about how much of a selfish bastard Trace is, and I wont be able to disagree with him.  Then…then I’ll screw up and blurt out what Trace told me yesterday…

But Justin doesn’t start yelling.  In fact, after a few moments he starts to laugh and I look over at him in surprise.  “Justin?”

He smiles at me.  “Well I guess he had to find out some time,” he tells me.  “Come on Ker, it’s not the end of the world.  It’s just Trace.”  And then, as if nothing has happened, he climbs back on top of me.

“What are you doing?,” I gasp, and push him away from me a little.  “Enough Justin.”

He frowns.  “What’s the matter?  I thought you…liked this.”

“I…do,” I sigh.  It’s not a lie.  I really do like kissing him, but I just wish he would slow down a little.  He’s being so clingy right now…like he has to prove something to me.  But he doesn’t.  I’m content with the person he is now, and I’ll do anything to keep him from going back to the way he was in the beginning of all this.  But I don’t want all this kissing and…stuff, to lead into  things that he’s not ready for…that I’m not ready for.  Like sex and being completely naked and all that weird stuff.  But then I think about it, and deep down I know that it’s going to take a long time…probably years, before he’ll ever think about getting that physical with somebody again.

“Well then what’s the problem?” he whispers.  “Ker, you gotta think about this a little more seriously.  I mean, this you and me thing could go somewhere, you know?  I’m so comfortable with you now, and…I think if you’re ready we could probably try to pick up where we left off.  Kinda like, we can just forget all the bad stuff that happened and just be together.  For real this time.”

Is he asking me to be with him? I shudder a little.  No.  There is no way that Justin is ready for any kind of relationship with me, or with anybody else for that matter.  He’s just confused, and he’s trying to hide from his true feelings.  He’s trying to make the memories of the kidnapping and Shane fade away, by using me as a distraction.   I don’t’ want to admit it to myself, but deep down I know I’m letting him use me again.  But that’s nothing new to me.  When we had sex…I felt used then too.  And for three years that feeling stuck with me.  But if I’m feeling this way now, why don’t I push him off of me? Why don’t I pack my bag and tell him that this is too much for me?

Because I’m fucking slipping.

No…I can do this if I’m careful.  I can be close enough to him where I can enjoy him and be happy with him, but far enough away so I can focus and prevent myself from having him break my heart again.  Oh hell, who am I kidding?  He’s going to have his way with me eventually, because I’m too blindsided by the little things I’ve always loved about him, and missed like hell all this time we‘ve been apart.  I know I want to love him, so bad that I’m ready to do anything to stay by his side.  And I’d probably die if I lost him again.

“I know we’re moving too fast,” he admits.  “But being comfortable with myself is all new to me, and having you here…the only woman that can understand me, is really fucking tempting.  And we all know I have a really shitty grasp on reality,” he laughs.  “Trace can hold me to that.”

“I can’t be with you,” I force myself to say.  I quickly sit up, holding the blanket against my naked upper body as I do.  I fumble for my sports bra and shirt.  When I find them, I bury myself under the comforter, somehow managing to get them on without exposing my body to Justin again.  My face is burning what we‘ve just done impacts me again.  God, my boobs.  He touched your boobs?  Nathan is back.  You were just half naked in his bed!  Skank.  Good for nothing.  Go have a drink slut…go ahead.. I suck in a shaky breath and close my eyes, willing his voice out of my head again. 

Once I’m confident that Nathan is out of my head for the moment, I yank the comforter off of myself.  Justin is still sitting on the bed, staring at me.  His expression is telling me that he’s confused all over again, and I feel horrible, like I’m letting him down or something.  But in my heart I know I’ve done the right thing.  “I care about you,” I say, finally.  “But we’re not ready, and I know that deep down… you know that too.”

He lays grabs a pillow, and clutches it to his chest; sinking his chin into it.  He won’t look me in the eyes, and I hold my breath, thinking I’ve just screwed up his mentality all over again.  “Am I worth loving Kerri?,” he asks me after a moment.

My breath catches in my throat, and I feel my heart sink.  “Justin,” I whisper and reach out to touch his face, but he pushes my hand away.  “This isn’t’ about that.”

“Then what’s it about,” he grumbles.  “You see it don’t you?”

“See what?” I ask.

“You can see it on me.” He hugs the pillow tighter to himself.  “I am gay…”

He’s definitely not as mentally stable as I’ve made him out to be the past few days.  I’ve let myself forget exactly what he went through, and that most things, especially things as deep as this can do a lot of damage to him.  Damn it. This is all my fault.  I kissed him, like a fool, and I made him believe that I was going to just…fall in love with him.  And yeah, maybe I am in love with him.  But I wont allow myself to form some weird relationship with him right now.  In my heart, I know it wouldn‘t be fair to either of us.  But I know Justin doesn’t have room in his clouded mind to think that way.  He just knows that he cares about me, and the logical thing for him to do is try to be with me.  I knew this would happen.  I knew I would mess him up.  “Justin, no…that’s not it.”

“Yes,” he whispers.  “Yes it is…”

“Justin please stop,” I whimper.  “That’s not true.  I just…I can’t just be with you.  Look at everything that’s happened to us.  You can’t honestly tell me that you’re ready for another relationship right now.”

He stares down at the mattress.  “I’m ready,” he mutters.

I narrow my eyes at him.  “Justin.”

Then he allows himself to meet my gaze.  He looks a little lost, but not completely.  I know somewhere inside of him he knows he’s not ready.  I think he just wants the reassurance that he’s worth being with…it will make him feel better.  But I don’t know how I can prove it to him. 

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, before letting out a sob.  “Just don’t leave okay?”

I pry his arms from around the pillow, and a moment later he tugs at me, willing me to lay in his arms again.  I know it’s not the best thing to do, but I do it anyway, and we collapse onto the mattress again.  “I’m not leaving,” I reassure him.  “I wont leave you.”

He tucks his head in the crook of my neck.  “Everything is crazy,” he whispers, his breath warm in my ear.  “I don’t know what to do.  But I know that I care about you, and…you‘re the only one that I’ve let this close to me in a long time.  That’s gotta count for something Kerri.”

“It counts for a lot,” I tell him.

“I feel like myself when I kiss you,” he tells me.  “Like the pain…I always get this pain in my gut and I feel nauseous, you know; because I‘m always thinking about what I could have done differently to prevent what happened.  But when I’m with you and I kiss you I’m fine.  I don’t have to worry because I know you get it, and you understand.”  He sighs heavily.  “Lord, I sound like a psycho. Maybe I should just go back and live with the crazies.”

I shift a little, and he allows me to turn so I can face him.  “There’s nothing wrong with how you feel,” I say.  “You’re not crazy, and you’re not gay…and I nobody thinks that you are.”  I take a deep breath.  “All I’m saying is, we’re not ready to be together.”

The lost look in his eyes gets more intense.  “Then what do we do?” he whispers.  It’s a hollow whisper though.  He doesn’t know what to think.

I grab one of his hands and give it a squeeze.  “We just go on living Justin…and we see what happens.”

“We shouldn’t do like…stuff anymore?,” he asks.

I stare to chew on my bottom lip.  “What do you think?”

“It’s probably better if we don’t.  But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to.  I still want to.” he tells me forcefully.  Like he has to, or I wont take him seriously anymore.

“I know you do,” I force a reassuring half smile for him.  “But come, on we can talk later.  Right now you have to get ready.”  He lets go of me, and I slide off the bed before helping him to his feet. 

“Kerri.”

I turn around, and he’s standing before me, like he’s never wanted anything more in his life but to be with me.  I should be thrilled.  I can have him if I want him, and I don’t even have to try.  I don’t have to prove myself, or wait for him to get away from his other girlfriend.  He’s here now, and he wants me now.  But I can’t be with him.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be with him, and love him like he wants me to right now. 

Why does life have to be so unfair?

“I can’t just…not have you…not touch you anymore,” he admits.

I sigh.  “We just spent twenty minutes discussing why we shouldn’t.”

He shrugs.  “You know how mental patients are,” he laughs softly.  “In one ear and out the other.”  He steps up to me, and puts his arms around my waist.

I frown.  “You’re not being fair,” I whimper.  “So stop trying to make me fall in love with you, Justin.”

His mouth hangs open a little.  “Whoa…wait a second.  Who said anything about love?”

I want to put my foot in my mouth.  I realize I’ve just given something away, something I’ve been holding inside of me for a long, long time.  Justin never knew how deep my feelings went for him.  I mean, when we had sex I think he got it through his head that I cared about him more than he thought.  That scared him though, and that’s why he took off.  God, and now I’m doing it again.  I’m slipping up more and more because the truth is…I’m not falling in love with him.  I am in love with him.  I’ve been in love with him my entire life, I was in love with him when he took off three years ago, I was in love with him when we were in that fucking basement…

And I’m in love with him now.

But I pull away from him.  I know that my feelings don’t matter right now, and he could never…love me like that.  At least I don’t think he could.  “I can’t do this,” I whisper.

He laughs nervously.  “Can’t do what? Kerri…you’re fuckin confusing me.  I never said I was trying to make you love me. I can’t…be in love with anybody right now.  I just thought we could try to be together…”

He can’t be in love with me.  My heart sinks and all I can think is that I’m a psycho.  I turn my back on him.  “I’m getting Trace,” I tell him.  “You need to get ready.”

“Don’t walk away,” he whispers.  “We’re not thinking straight right now, that’s all.  Maybe if we just don’t think about being together and just…”

I interrupt him with a sarcastic laugh.  “If we just what Justin? Fool around randomly because you feel like it?  That’s really selfish.”

“I don’t get it,” he shrugs.  “You started this whole thing the other night, and up until now you seemed to be fine with it. But the minute I want to move ahead and make it into something more, I’m the bad person.”

I cross my arms and sigh heavily.  “Jesus, it’s not like we were just fighting for three years and now we’re talking again.  Stop avoiding the issue Justin.  Stop avoiding…”

“Don’t,” he interrupts, knowing exactly what I‘m hinting at.  “Don‘t even bring Shane into this.”

Okay, I know I shouldn’t have put Shane into this conversation.  He doesn’t‘ really have a place in it, because this is about me and Justin, and our relationship.  I guess I‘m just so distraught and confused about what this is leading into, that I’ll do anything to make him stop pressuring me like he is.  “Then stop trying to cover it up by using me as a distraction,” I snap. 

“Distraction?” he chuckles.  “Kerri, what the hell are you talking about?”

I close my journal, and glance around cautiously before carefully placing it on the bench, and covering it with my tee shirt.  I rub my bare chest, and sigh.  It if feels so good to be outside, in the warm sunshine without my shirt on.  I realize this is the first time I’ve done this…exposed myself.  I’m proud.  So proud, that I don’t think about how paranoid I am that somebody might be able to see me…and think about me, like Shane thought about me.  Instead, I pick up the basketball and begin to do  laps up and down my court.  Bounce.  “Gotta lose weight.”  Bounce.  “Gotta get in shape.” Bounce.  “Everybody’s watchin.”  Bounce.  “Show ‘em there ain’t no stoppin.” Bounce.  “Justin’s gonna keep rockin.”  Bounce.  “So you betta keep watchin your girl.”  Bounce  “Cause if you don’t he’s gonna end up wit hurr.”

I stop.  Focus, shoot.  Swish.  Three points…

Cool.

Lunch with Johnny went better than expected.  Although, I really don’t know why I was so nervous about it to begin with.  I’ve known him for years, and he’s been there for me from the beginning of NSYNC right up until now.  I guess I was more nervous for Kerri than anything.  I mean, she hasn’t seen the guy in three years, and even when she was around him in the past she was never really comfortable.  For a girl like Kerri, somebody like Johnny is really intimidating because he has so much power and influence over people.  For me, it’s never really been an issue because I’ve been in this business too long to fear people like that.  It just comes with the territory, and Johnny is probably the most down to earth guy I’ve had the pleasure of working side by side with.  He cares about the well being of his clients, and that counts for a lot in this business.

So that’s probably why when the four of us sat down to lunch a few days ago, and Johnny started shooting off whatever questions he wanted, I didn’t feel so bombarded  I was actually comfortable.  But I was alone with my feelings.  Seeing the expressions on my two best friends faces told me that they weren’t too comfortable answering his questions at all.  The questions he was throwing at Trace were mostly business related ones.  Like, was he feeling all right?  Was he up to handling the majority of my hectic schedule this tour?  I could tell he was offended.  Trace takes great pride in what he does for me, and it’s one of the reasons I love and trust him so much.  But I mean, Johnny was only doing his job.  He’s looking out for me…for all of us.  And I know he only wants this tour to go as smoothly as it can.  He was asking the questions because he had to.

“Of course I’m up for it,” Trace had snapped at him, before crossing his arms and sitting back in his chair.  “When haven’t I been up for it?” 

Trace’s attitude surprised me, because he doesn’t usually talk to people that way.  Especially people that have so much to do with my career.  I hate to admit it, but I was kind of disappointed in him then.  Of course I didn’t say anything to him, and I won’t.  But I have no idea what his problem is.  I think it could have had something to do with the fact that he caught Kerri and I in the middle of…things the other day.  But still, why should it bother him so much?  It’s my life, and I want to move on with my life.  I’m tired of feeling gay, and stupid and ugly all the time.  Trace should understand that better than anybody else, because he’s been here for all the bad shit.  I don’t know.  Maybe I need to rethink things with him.  After all, he did just break up with his girl, and that does things to a guy.

I know that better than anybody.

I’ve really been meaning to sit down with Trace and have a straight out, man to man talk with him.  I know it’s something we both need to do before we hit the road, because we need to be on the same page if we’re going to work together and make this tour work to our advantage.  And I mean ,since he came home…I’ve tried to talk to him.  I really have.  But it’s hard.  He’s always ’in the middle’, or ’tired’.  I just don’t get it.  Before he was like this leech that was attached to my side twenty four hours a day.  It got really annoying, especially before he knew about the cutting.  But he never gave up, and then when the truth was thrust his in face…he was still loyal to our friendship.  He still cared.  That’s why I can’t understand why he wont talk to me now.   Like, he hasn’t even told me how he really feels about Elisha.  He hasn’t told me how much that loss is killing him inside.  And god, I know it is. 

Him avoiding me like this…it leaves me feeling empty inside.  Like a big part of me that was there, is gone now.  He’s supposed to be my ‘lifeline’.  He’s supposed to be the one I run to when I feel scared, alone, and insecure.  He knows that damn well too, and I don’t know how he can just sit there and pretend like it doesn’t’ matter anymore.  I know the best thing to do right now is call up Madison and tell her about this.  But I just…I can’t do that to him.  Too much has happened, and he’s done way to much for me as far as cutting and Butt Sex goes.  Telling Madison about it, would make him feel like an even bigger failure.  It just wouldn’t be right.

Naturally, my alternative has been confiding in Kerri.  It’s weird, confusing, but it makes me feel good at the same time.  God, she’s such a great girl; and she really wants to talk to me and hear what I have to say.  At this point, I feel like I can tell her anything and everything, and she’ll get it.  I love that.  I love having her back.  Even though, I probably have been pushing her emotions a little too hard lately with the kissing and everything.  After Trace caught us, and she yelled at me, I guess it was sort of a wake up call.  I was pushing her, and maybe…I am trying to hide from Shane and the Butt Sex and everything.  Hell, I don’t know.  All I know is that I really love kissing her…touching her.  No, I’m not in love with the girl.  I can’t be, because I don’t think I know what love is anymore.  But touching  her makes me feel something I haven’t felt in years.  It makes me feel safe, secure, and somewhat confident in the person I am now.  When we got back from lunch that day, I pulled her aside and apologized…told her I realized I was rushing her and that I never meant to.  I was terrified she was going to pull back and tell me she couldn’t handle things anymore and leave me again.  But instead…she smiled, and told me she understood.

I don’t know what I’d do without her.

We covered the psychiatrist issue at lunch too.  At first, Johnny was pretty adamant that he wanted one on the road with me; at least for the first month just to make sure that I didn’t go bonkers again. But I wasn’t just going to sit back and let him make my decision for me.  I feel that I’ve come a hell of along way since I entered rehab and went through all that shit.  I don’t cut anymore, hell…I’ve barely been tempted to (aside from that one time when Kerri got drunk).  And when I have been…I’ve done the right thing and gotten help from my friends.  A shrink would only make me nervous, and more aware of my stupid problems.  I’m going on tour to forget all about this.  I’m going on tour to be with my friends, party, and show my fans a good time.  I pointed this all out to Johnny, and he really seemed to take my opinion into consideration.  But I mean, he should.  I’m a grown ass man now.  Not little seventeen year old, southern boy toy Timberlake.  Johnny can’t really tell me what to do anymore, and my mom can’t really influence him as much as she used to be able to.  In the end, he told me he would leave the final decision up to me, and I was happy with that.  But of course, he didn’t hesitate to add that ’everybody else’ would feel more confident if I had somebody with me.

Screw that.

I pick the ball up and dribble it a few times, before focusing my gaze on the basket in front of me.  “Timberlake takes position.”  I step up to the line, and glance at the imaginary players to my right and left.  “If he makes this, the championship is all his.”  I take a breath, shoot the ball…

Swish.

I make crowd noises and jump up and down.  “Haaa.  He’s done it!” I yell.  “Justin Timberlake, the master has done it again!  Four years in a row! He’s unstoppable.  Haaaaa.”  Still cheering myself on, I do a backwards moonwalk, before I feel myself bump into something…somebody.

“What’re you doing?”

“Huh?”  I whirl around quickly, the voice nearly scaring the life out of me. But then I see Trace standing there, and I let out a little sigh.  “Man,” I chuckle a little and shake my head.  “You scared the crap out of me.”

“Oh.”  Immediately, a nervous expression takes the place of his calm one.  “Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s cool,” I reassure him, before picking up the basketball and throwing it at him.  He catches it, and tucks it under his arm.  “What brings you out here?”

He shrugs.  “I don’t know.  Kerri’s on the phone with her dad…or something.  It was getting ugly, so I came to see what you‘re up to.”

I frown.  “She okay?”

“I guess.”  He walks past me, like he doesn’t even care, and starts to take shots at the basket.  He misses nine out of ten shots like always.  Normally I would laugh and call him a midget.  But not right now.  He’s got me worried, and I know that Kerri is going to be a wreck when I decide to go back to the house.  Damn, he shouldn’t have just left her to fend for herself.

“What’s the matter with you?”  I walk up to him, and put my hands on my hips.  “I mean, you just left her there?”

He shoots me a bewildered expression.  “Kerri’s family issues aren’t my problem,” he shoots at me, before attempting a pitiful jump shot and missing it.  “I don’t need to hear more yelling right now, that’s for damn sure.”

I glare at him.  This isn’t the Trace I‘ve known my entire life.  The Trace I know doesn’t’ just…turn his back on his best friends like this.  When Kerri or I are having problems, regardless of what they are, he sticks around.  I decide that he’s definitely changed, and for some reason, I’m almost positive it’s not just because of his breakup.  I’m sure that’s part of it of course…but it’s not the whole reason.  It scares me, terrifies me…but I know something is going on with him that he’s not telling us.  I wish like hell I could read his mind right now.  If I just knew what was going on, I know I could help him.  He…he doesn’t believe I can, because according to him I’m all fucked up.  But it’s not true.  I can see clearer now, think straighter.  But like, he doesn’t think so.  He doesn’t have any damn faith in me at all.  He thinks I’m not worth talking to, that I can’t understand anything but my own problems…

And that really hurts.

“Do you think I’m a fucking asshole?” I say, my tone growing angrier with every word.  “Like, you can’t talk to me about whatever it is that’s bugging you because I’ve gone through something horrible?”  I wait for him to respond, but when he doesn’t answer, and continues to dribble the basketball I feel the anger flare up inside of me.  I storm over to him, and steal the ball away from him easily, before throwing it across my oversized basketball court.

“What the hell?” he grunts.  “Justin, I don’t know what the hell your problem is.  You know what happened with Elisha…and that’s all that happened okay?  I…I can’t help Kerri right now.  You know how she is.  She wants to handle things herself okay?”  He turns on his heel and starts walking across the court to retrieve the ball.

I jog to catch up with him.  “You’ve been acting weird,” I tell him.  “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me, Trace.  You don’t talk to me much, hell, you can’t even look me in the face half the time.  It hurts me, man.  I mean, is it me? Did I do something wrong?”

He bends down and picks the ball up, before turning to face me again.  “Of course you didn’t do anything wrong,” he says quietly.  “I…I’m sorry okay? I never meant to make you feel like that.  My head…it’s just all messed up right now and I guess I just feel better keeping to myself.” He dribbles the ball a little.  “I know that I shouldn’t be.  You need me and hell, I know that better than anybody else.  Maybe I’m just selfish Justin.” 

Now he’s staring at me, and I know his ‘selfish’ comment wasn’t really a comment at all.  It was a question.  “Trace, you’re anything but selfish,” I say with a light laugh.  “I cant’ even tell you how much you’ve helped me through all this shit.  Kerri too…I know she’s totally grateful to you.  It’s just that you’ve been so distant lately.  I mean, you’re my boy,” I smile.  “And I feel like I can’t even talk to you about me or what’s going on with…stuff anymore.”

Then he smiles, for the first time in a while.  “Like you and Kerri?” 

He tosses the ball to me, and I catch it.  I try not to smile, but fail as I look down at the ground and start to dribble the ball.  “Yeah,” I mumble.  “Exactly.”  I look up at him again, and nod a little.

He walks over to me again, and tries to steal the ball from me, but I hold my arm in his face and get past him.  I shoot the ball.  It goes in, and I catch it before tossing it back to him. 

“What’s up with that?,” he says breathlessly, dribbling the ball between his legs.  “Y’all were like, getting nasty in the sack the other morning.”

I laugh heartily as he grunts and tries to make his move.  Of course I block him, and score another point.  “It was just…touching,” I say, passing him the ball again.  “I know it’s weird but…I don’t know, it just kinda happened.”

“How does…” he dribbles and fakes a right, throwing me off guard.  “Shit like that just happen?”

I block him before he can get to the basket, and he tries to hold the ball over my head.  But I’m taller than his short ass and I grab it easily.  “Just does,” I smile, and shoot.  It doesn’t go in though, and Trace gets his chance for the rebound.  He catches the ball, and shoots…but he flubs it.  I get control again, and I don’t miss this time.

“Damn,” he rasps breathlessly, bending over, grasping his thighs.  “I hate this fu'ckin game.”

Out of breath, we both make our way over to the bench and sit down on it.  I hand him one of the bottles of water I brought out with me, and he accepts it gratefully.  “You’re outta shape,” I chuckle, lifting up my tee shirt to make sure my journal is right where I left it, before getting my own bottle of water.  “We gotta start benching together again.”  I open my own water and take a long swing, before looking at him again.

He lifts his shirt up a little, and wipes the sweat off his forehead with it. “Shit I know,” he sighs.  “I’ve been tryin to jog in the mornings but I never have the time.”

I laugh out loud.  “Mother fucker…you never jogged a day in your life!”

He’s quiet for a moment, but then he starts to laugh too.  “You know me too well.  But…stop changing the subject.”

I give him a stupid look.  “What subject?”

He sighs.  “Come on J.  I mean, I don’t mean to bring this up…but I know what happened to you.  I didn’t think that you were ready for…” he pauses and looks away from me.  “Things with Kerri.”

“Damn,” I say, before taking another swig of my water.  “It’s not like I had sex with her, Trace.”

“You looked like you were about to,” he chuckles, and puts the water down beside the bench.

I frown.  Is he really that naïve? Does he actually believe after everything that happened I would just go and sleep with Kerri? More so, does he think she would actually let me take that step with her after what I did to her the last time?  “Well we didn’t.  And…I think we’re going to be cooling it for awhile,” I nod.  “We’re not ready.”

He laughs.  “Well no shit, Justin.”

“I thought you would at least look at this in a positive way,” I sigh.  “I mean, she’s a girl…and I’m a guy.  And that’s the way things are supposed to be right?  So…maybe the gay thing is over and done.”

He rolls his eyes.  “I thought we covered this already.  We agreed that you were just messed up, and that you’re not gay…you were never gay.”

I did agree with him on that.  But it was only to get him to shut up.  I was getting fed up with his lectures as to why I shouldn’t think that way about myself.  So I lied…so sue me.  “You agreed,” I tell him.  “I just went along with it.”

“Right.”  He shakes his head in annoyance.  “And you complain that I’m avoiding you?  Damn Justin, you shouldn’t be 'going along' with shit.  You’re supposed to tell me how you really feel, remember? Madison says…”

“Fuck what she says,” I snap, immediately regretting it.  I know I don’t mean that, but I’m so damn annoyed with him right now that I can‘t keep my emotions in check.  “None of that matters right now.  I mean, everything about the plan she had for me is getting screwed up right now anyway.  You’re not focusing, so why should I?”

“I’m trying to focus,” he sneers.  “I just…” But then he cuts himself short, and rubs his face with his hands.

“You just what?” I whisper.  Maybe this is it.  Maybe he’s going to finally break down and tell me what the hell is going on.  Damn it.  I hate being in the dark.

“I just have a lot to do,” he bullshits, and gets up from the bench.  “Come on, lets go inside.”

“God, you know…fuck you man.” I remain seated and glare at him.  “I don’t even know you anymore.”

His mouth hangs open for a moment.  “Whoa…hold up.  What did I say?”

I finally get up from the bench, and grab the basketball off the pavement again.  “It’s what you didn’t say, Trace,” I mutter, before beginning to dribble the ball again.

“So now you’re pissed,” he whimpers.  “Great.”

I stop dribbling the ball and look over at him.  His face has turned a light shade of pink and I think…I think he might cry?  Weird.  This is too weird.  Trace doesn’t cry.  He just doesn’t.  I can hardly even remember a time that he cried for more than a few minutes when we were growing up.  Trace has always been the sane one, the thinker.  The brain behind all the sh'it we did that got us grounded by our parents.  It‘s weird to think of him as weak right now…as weak as me.  “Trace,” I whisper.  “Look, it’s okay.  I’m not that mad.  I just want you to talk to me.”

He sucks in a long breath.  “You’re my best friend Justin,” he nods.  “And…nothing can change that right?”

I don’t get it.  “Of course not.”

He stares at me for a good long time, and then his mouth opens.  I think he’s going to spill it, right here in front of me.  Just like I spilled my feelings to him that night on the beach. 

“Justin,” he whispers.

I walk over to him.  “Yeah?” I whisper.  “What’s wrong?”

He seems to be struggling with himself.  Biting his lip, and taking deep breaths every few seconds.  But in the end, he just shakes his head. “Nothin.  Sorry, I‘m just bein retarded again.  You know me.”  Then he smiles, a stupid fake a'ss smile.  “Let’s go have a soda or something…make sure Kerri still has most of her sanity.”

A sinking feeling forms in the pit of my stomach.  I know he’s hiding from me again.  But I don’t want to start another argument with him.  I know what its like to not want to talk about your feelings.  This is the same sh'it I pulled on him.  And…it just takes time.  It takes time to be that brave.  I just hope that he can find it in his heart to tell me whatever it is…

Before it’s too late.

Fed Up