“I hope they aren’t stealing my shit.”

“They aren’t stealing anything, Justin.”

“Because I have some pretty expensive stuff.”

“I know.”

“What if they poison my food?”

I barely notice that the light is red, because I’m too busy listening to Justin’s paranoid ramblings as to why we shouldn’t have left the alarm people alone in his house to install the system. I slam on my breaks, and the car squeals to a stop. “God.” I grunt in frustration. “Nobody is going to do anything to any of your things!” I yell. “Just sit the hell back and relax. We’re going…to have…an enjoyable afternoon!”

Silence.

I let out a long breath, and sit up a little straighter in my seat. The light changes again after a few moments, and I accelerate forward again. Thankfully, Justin doesn’t start complaining again. But I still glance at him every so often to see if he looks worried. He does. I’m not going to start in on him again though, not now. I want him nice and relaxed when we meet Tiny at the store. Because if Tiny thinks he’s tense, he’s going to make us go right back home. Hell, this is the first time Justin has agreed to go out and shop since he got out of the clinic. It shocked me that he agreed to leave the house today. But I guess all the noise was getting on his nerves as much as it was getting on mine. We decided to hit some of the stores on Rodeo, because it’s where Justin would be the most comfortable. People that shop around here aren’t as likely to stop and try to talk to him…they’re too rich and snobby to care.

Ten minutes later we pull up in front of Iceberg, and I spot Tiny standing outside the building speaking to another man…seemingly a member of the staff. I look over at Justin. “You ready?” I ask.

But he’s frozen in his seat.

“Justin?” I laugh nervously and shake him a little.

“Take me home,” he whispers. “I don’t’ know him…do you know him Kerri?’

I look over at the man speaking with Tiny. Of course I don’t know him, but maybe I can convince Justin that I do so he’ll get out of the car. I know he needs to do this for himself. He needs to get out and start facing the world again, if he ever hopes to get over his paranoia. “Yeah, I know him. I spoke to him on the phone earlier about you coming here.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “You know, you’re lying is worse than Trace’s.” He crosses his arms stubbornly and looks straight ahead. “I don’t like this,” he says. “I know I said I did. I know I said it would be fun to go out together and stuff…but I just…I didn’t realize it would be so scary,” he whimpers. “I want to go back.”

I turn off the engine and lean back in my seat. “What will going home solve? You’ll just hide away in your room because you’re scared of the alarm installer people.” I roll my eyes. “How are you going to go on a big tour and perform for total strangers if you cant even face a couple of store clerks?”

“I’ll…I’ll be better then,” he informs me. “Trace will be here, and my mom will be around. And I’ll have at least a dozen security people with me…”

I cut him off. “A dozen?” I shake my head. “Justin…it’s just a little club tour. You don’t need a militia traveling with you,” I chuckle. “You need to calm down okay?”

“Don’t tell me to calm down,” he grumbles. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ve been a lot more psychotic than me this week.”

I laugh. “What about next week? Should we have a contest? Should I have Trace start taking bets on who’s going to lose their mind first?”

“I’m really glad you’ve turned this all into one big joke,” he snaps. “Christ, just tell Tiny we’re going home so we can get the hell out of here already.”

I’m not going to let him have his way. I shouldn’t. I mean, I think I deserve some sane shopping time too, even though Iceberg charges like…five hundred dollars for a pair of sunglasses. But hey, I have my debit card, and it has enough money on it to last an entire school semester. I think it’s time I spoiled myself a little…yeah. I smile. “We can leave when I finish spoiling myself,” I giggle, not caring about Justin’s insecurities anymore. Damn, Trace would be pissed. I know he would be. And when we call him later on today, I’m sure Justin will bitch and moan to him about what a horrible person I am. But for now…I’m not going to care. I open the car door, and Tiny immediately comes over to us.

“Hey.” He leans down and pokes his head inside the car. “You guys ready? They’re closing up shop for three hours. Nobody’s gonna bother you.”

I look back over at Justin, thinking that this information might have changed his attitude. But he still has the same stubborn look on his face.

“Tell her to take me home,” he whines.

Tiny gives me an odd look. “What’s wrong with him?,” he grunts. “He was raring to go this morning…got my ass out of bed all early and shit.”

I sigh. “He’s just…” And then I look at Tiny again. I can tell he knows exactly what’s wrong now, and I hope he’ll say something encouraging to change Justin’s attitude.

“Look man,” he sighs. “These people went out of their way to set up the day for you. The least you can do is go in and look around for a little while. I promise, I’m gonna be here the whole time. You don’t…” he pauses, and rubs his eyes a little. “You don’t have to be afraid, okay?”

It’s weird to see Tiny get sentimental, because he’s so big and usually very serious. But he’s also like family to Justin, and I know he has a lot of influence over him too. I look back to Justin, and this time the stubborn look on his face isn’t as intense. “Come on,” I persist. “It’ll be fun. We can try on all the sunglasses like we used to when…” But I cut my speech short. I know I cant’ start rambling about the past right now. It will bring on too many emotions. And then I’ll probably want to go home too.

“Fine,” he moans and takes off his seatbelt. “But just for an hour or so.”

I smile triumphantly, and we get out of the car together. Justin sticks to Tiny’s side like a child as we take the short walk from the car to the store’s entrance. The man Justin was terrified of smiles and welcomes us, before opening the door. Then we get inside, and it’s like a dream world. The store is perfect. Nothing is out of place or out of order. There are no other shoppers, only a smiling sales woman positioned by a rack of clothes. But Justin doesn’t notice anything. In fact, the only thing that he does notice…is that Tiny hasn’t followed us into the store.

“Where‘s Tiny?,” he asks. His eyes are wide, frightened, and I can hear him start to breath in and out rapidly. “Where is he?”

“Justin.” I take his trembling hand and look into his eyes. “He’s right outside, watching the door. We’re fine…” I stop and look at the saleswoman again. “Come on, let’s go see what she’s pulled out for you to try on.”

He sucks in a breath. “Why are you so calm?,” he whispers.

I shrug. “Because I have to be.”

He looks at the floor. “Sorry I’m such a pussy.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I tell him, using the most reassuring tone I can manage.. “Let’s just go over there and act like idiots.”

He looks up at me and smiles. “Like we used to?”

“Yeah,” I chuckle nervously. “Like we used to.” I try to lead him over to the rack of clothes, but he stops me before I can take more than a step.

“Kerri.”

“Yeah?”

Then he smiles again. It’s a genuine smile, a thankful one. “I’m glad that you’re here.” Then he hugs me…close and warm. And I don’t even know how to react. It’s so weird. His moods are so jumpy. It confuses me and I hate being confused…

“Justin…”

But he smiles and pulls me forward before I can tell him all of that. And by the time we reach the rack of clothes, the lady already has him talking up a storm and laughing at all of her pointless comments and jokes. Then we’re both handed piles of clothes to try on, most of which I know I’ll never be able to afford in my lifetime…but I’ll try them for Justin’s sake.

Just like everything else I do.

**************

I really love clothes. Actually, I didn’t even realize how much I’ve missed shopping for clothes until today. I can’t believe I’ve been out of the scene for so long that I forgot what it was like to browse and try on and decide what I like and what I don’t. I love to be fussed over too. Like, this lady Bianca that’s helping us is great. I barely have to ask for anything…she just knows, and it’s so fucking cool. We’ve been shopping for a little over an hour now, and I’ve already piled up at least two piles of clothes that I’m going to be purchasing. I never realized spending my money could be such a great stress reliever. It’s amazing; I’ve barely been thinking about how nervous I am…or that somebody might break in here and get me. No, I’ve been too busy trying on all these jeans and shirts and jackets and sunglasses. I’ve been having fun. Damn, I can actually say that…for the first time in what seems like years.

I’ve been having fun watching Kerri too.

I love how she can try on all these clothes, love them, and put them back with no regrets. I feel bad that she’s not as rich as I am. I’ve always felt that way. Hell, if she would let me I would buy her everything she wanted today…but I know she won’t. Kerri has never been like that, and when we used to go shopping in the past, I used to have to sneak things that she liked in with the stuff that I was buying so she wouldn’t realize I’d bought them for her until later. Then it was too late. She always tried to act like she was mad at me, but I could always tell that she wasn’t. She was so grateful for everything that I ever gave her, and I think that’s why I loved being around her so much. She was my friend. One that would never use me for my money or my fame and I loved that about her. I could be Justin with her, and to this day I think Trace and her are still the only ones I feel I can be myself with…especially now, with the Butt Sex and all.

I study myself in the mirror. No shirt on, jeans with a cool little belt that Bianca picked for me before. I suck in. I need to lose more weight. I know I should be working out more, with a tour coming up. And I think once Trace gets back I will. I rub my hands on my stomach. Flab. Fat. I can hear Johnny’s voice in the back of my mind now… You can’t let the camera beat you. God. If it’s not one thing plaguing me, it’s another.

“Justin.”

I hear Kerri’s voice at the door, and I snap out of it. I throw the shirt on that matches the jeans I’m wearing and study myself again. “Yeah?”

“Justin you need to see this shirt on me!” she squeals. “God, I love it…but I’d kill myself if I bought it. It’s costs as much as a third world country.”

I laugh. “I doubt it’s that much Ker.”

“What are you trying on?”

“The faded wash with the polo and the black blazer.”

“Ooo,” she coos excitedly. “I wanna see it.”

I pull the black blazer on and give myself the once over. Do I look gay? Is it gay to have as big of a fashion sense as I do? That’s a sign of homosexuality isn’t it? Like you see that…in gay guys. I shake my head roughly. God stop it, show Kerri a good time. Focus on Kerri. I open the door, and step out of the dressing room.

“Whoa!” she exclaims. “Justin, you are so red carpet ready right now,” she giggles. “You need to get that outfit too.” She looks back at Bianca. “Add it to his pile.”

Bianca giggles. “Will do. Justin, I have more for you to try on in the back. I’ll be out with them in just a moment.” She hurries away to get the clothes, leaving Kerri and I to ourselves.

“So isn’t this top hot?” Kerri does a little twirl for me and I smile.

It’s a nice silk blouse. A little off the shoulders. It laces at the top and comes down to just above her navel. I feel my face turn red, and it confuses me so I quickly look away from her tanned stomach. “It’s nice, Ker. I like the little off the shoulder thing it’s got goin on.”

She laughs and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, and it’s only seven hundred dollars.”

“Well see…that’s not as much as a third world country.” I laugh. “More like, a little village with straw huts.”

“Straw huts?” She laughs and picks a pair of sunglasses off the rack and slides them on. “Am I Rodeo enough?” she says in a dramatic voice.

I shove my hands in my pockets. “You look nice,” I say nervously. This whole thing has me on edge right now. She’s acting like…everything is okay. And even though I told her that I’m glad she’s here and everything; which I am, it’s still weird to be laughing and joking with her. This is how it used to be with us. We were best friends that did everything together. I guess I’ve missed it a lot…missed her a lot. Like, the Kerri back at the house isn’t the same one that’s here with me now. This one is laid back, normal, and care free. It’s confusing me more than she’ll ever know, and I wish I could tell her…I really do. But I don’t’ feel like spoiling the afternoon with serious shit. “Let me buy it for you,” I say.

She takes off the sunglasses, and shakes her head. “No way are you spending seven hundred…no…” she pauses and looks at the tag on the glasses. “Make that twelve hundred dollars, on me.”

I smile a little and take the glasses from her. “Come on, you like them…and it’s not like I’m hurting for money,” I say. “Besides, I owe you. So just let me.”

“Owe me?” she laughs, and picks up a pair of jeans from one of the tables. “You don’t owe me anything.” She opens up the jeans and holds them in front of herself. “God look at that embroidered rose. That’s so pretty.”

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to come up with a way of paying Kerri back for putting her through the kidnapping with me. I’ve felt so guilty. Like, all that pain and torture she went through was never meant for her in the first place. It was meant for me, and only me. “Yeah…” I lick my lips and clear my throat. “I owe you.”

She stares at me, and the look on her face is telling me that she knows what I’m talking about. “Justin, please don’t’ start in with this now,” she whispers, and puts the jeans down. “We’re having fun.”

“Why is it so bad that I want to do something nice for you?” I say. I’m getting a little aggravated right now, because she’s not letting me have my way. I hate not being in control of little things like this, because I’ve lost control of so many other things in my life already. “I mean, I haven’t really given you anything in three years but a bunch of pain you didn’t need to deal with.”

“Justin…”

“Here we are!” Bianca’s voice silences us both, and I force a smile and look over at her.

“Oh thanks,” I nod. “Um, you think you can give us a little time alone?”

Kerri clears her throat. “Oh that’s stupid. Bianca…you can stay, really.”

Bianca seems torn, and I feel bad for throwing her in the middle of our situation. I know she knows who I am, and I’m sure she’s seen the news and knows about Kerri and what happened to us. But she’s too professional to say anything. “Actually I do have some paperwork I need to work with. How about I come back in forty five with some refreshments?” she offers.

“Sounds great,” I say quickly before Kerri can voice her objections.

Bianca nods and hurries away again, but Kerri doesn’t seem happy about it. She crosses her arms and narrows her eyes at me. “You know, we can’t even have a laid back afternoon without you bringing everything else into it, Justin. God you know, I want to forget about it…don’t you?”

Of course I want to forget, but my experience was a million times worse than Kerri’s was. I don’t’ think she really understands the magnitude of it all. That I had to deal with Shane on a much more extreme level than she had to. That I can’t just push it all out of my head as easily as she can. “You know I can’t,” I grumble.

She lets out an aggravated sigh. “We should just go,” she mutters, and puts the jeans back on the table. “Before we end up fighting and it ends up all over People magazine. I’m going to go change.” With a loud huff, she turns around and marches back toward her dressing room.

“Kerri, come on,” I groan.

“No,” she snaps. “I hate this. This whole week has been the same thing. Problem after problem. Why can’t we just not think about everything for one damn day?”

I could start to yell, and tell her that she started this whole thing when she got drunk. But I’m tired of referring back to that all the time. I’m tired of a lot of things. Remembering…trying not to remember…trying to be normal. I’m tired of pretending to be somebody I’m not when my mom and my other friends call. I want to come out, and tell them all who I really am. Suddenly only having two people and a shrink know who I truly am isn’t enough anymore. I have to be proud of who I am…gay, freak, straight…whatever I am. But that’s easier said then done. “You should talk,” I manage a mellow tone. “I mean, you’ve been a wreck this whole week. Hell, worse than me most of the time; and suddenly Elisha comes and automatically you’re miss maturity again? Come on Kerri. I can see right through your fucking act.” I cross my arms confidently across my chest, and stare at her. I’m waiting for her to break down and tell me that I’m right, and that our lives will never be normal. That when we go out like this, we’ll constantly be looking over our shoulders, and wondering if it could ever happen to us again.

But she doesn’t’ say anything like that.

“I’m buying this shirt,” she nods. “At least that way, one good thing will come out of the day.”

“You can’t afford it,” I scoff.

“Yes I can.” She glares at me. “I have an entire semesters worth of school supply money on my debit card. You know, it would be gone…but instead I’m out here with you.”

“Nobody is forcing you to stay,” I whisper. “I thought you wanted to be here.”

This time she doesn’t answer me. She simply marches into her dressing room, and comes out about five minutes later with the shirt draped over one of her arms. “Sometimes I wonder why I’m really here,” she finally says. “Because I feel guilty…or because I really care, Justin.”

I’m hurt, I can’t deny that. I mean, I thought she really cared, and I thought I was starting to care about her a lot more too. But I guess it was silly of me to think that way, because it’s obvious that she’s still just as confused about our friendship as I am. “I guess you’ll have to figure it out.” I scratch the top of my head, and try not to look at her. I don’t want to give any of my feelings away right now. “You wanna go?”

She nods.

Kerri gets Bianca’s attention, while I call Tiny to tell him we’re on our way out. I can hear some noise in the background while I’m talking to him, and he sounds a little nervous; but I know better than to ask any questions. If something is going on, I’m sure he’ll handle it before we come out of the store. I feel my hands start to tremble a little, at the thought that there might be a crowd outside…but I quickly push the thought out of my mind. I gotta calm down.

“Seven hundred sixteen dollars and fifty two cents.” Bianca smiles at Kerri as she bags the shirt. “Are you sure you don’t want me to find you a pair of slacks to go with that, dear?”

Kerri laughs nervously. “I think I’m all set.” She slides her card through the reader, wincing as she does so. I know she doesn’t really have that kind of money to spend on a shirt, but I guess she was trying to show me up…or something? I don’t know why. I told her I would have paid for it. Hell, she deserves it.

“Oh.” Bianca frowns and looks at her computer screen more closely. “I’m sorry ma’am, it will just be a moment. I just have to call this in.”

“Call it in?” Kerri cocks her head to the side, and glances at me quickly. “What’s the matter?”

“Just hold one moment.” Bianca picks up her phone, and dials the number on the back of the card.

“Kerri,” I say finally. “You know, it’s okay if you don’t’ have the money. If you really want the shirt, I’ll…”

“I told you I have the money,” she says harshly. “I don’t’ need your charity money, Justin.”

I frown, but I don’t say anything else. She’s annoyed. At the day…that her credit card isn’t going through, and anything else that I can say will only aggravate her more. “Fine,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry,” Bianca says a moment later. “But your card seems to have been deactivated.”

“What?” Kerri laughs nervously and takes her card back from Bianca. “How can that be? There was at least two thousand dollars on it the last time I checked.”

“I don’t know, ma’am,” Bianca sighs. “That’s what the company just told me. Do you have another form of payment?”

“What…,” she shakes her head roughly and pinches the bridge of her nose. “No…no I don’t.”

Obviously, Kerri had no idea that something was going on with her account. I wish I knew what to tell her, but I really have no idea. I don’t see how she could have maxed it, because I know she hasn’t been shopping at all since she’s been out here. “Maybe it’s a mistake.” I try to sound encouraging.

She shoves her card back into her wallet and steps away from the counter. “It’s not a mistake.” Her voice quivers a little, and I know this goes a hell of a lot deeper than simply shopping too much.

“You’ll take these then Mr. Timberlake?” Bianca pulls my piles of clothes in front of her, and smiles as if nothing has happened.

“Oh…yeah,” I sigh and dig out my wallet. “We’ll take the shirt too.” I look over my shoulder, and wait for Kerri to protest, but she doesn’t. She’s sitting in a chair a few feet away, her head buried in her hands. I’m getting the feeling that her parents have something to do with this, and I feel so naïve and stupid. Up until now I thought everything was fine with Kerri and her parents. But how could everything be okay? She dropped out of school, to come out here and live with me. She has no guarantee of a job next year, her future is uncertain. I’m sure her parents are livid, and so…they’ve done this in an attempt to make her come home. It’s really unfair, because they don’t understand the whole picture. In fact, they’ve never seemed to understand anything when it’s come to Kerri and me.

It’s bullshit that she has to be pressured by her family when she’s already dealing with so much. I gotta talk to her later. I have to make her understand that she doesn’t have to worry, and that I’m going to be able to provide her with whatever she needs. I don’t’ care if we’re fighting, or if we‘re still uncomfortable around each other. She’s like…she’s like family, and I’m going to treat her accordingly. It’s not a decision, it’s a priority.

“Are you sure, sir?”

I manage to smile. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

************

There were photographers waiting for us outside of Iceberg, and I thought that Justin was about to have a heart attack. My mind was clouded with so much confusion and frustration though, that I couldn’t comfort him. Tiny had to do most of the work…leading the both of us through the crowd, and trying as hard as he could not to let the photographers get any shots of Justin. He did a pretty good job, but the whole experience was still horrible. Once we were safely inside the car, Justin started to freak out and cry, blubbering something about how they were trying to touch him…and I couldn’t do anything for him but sit there and watch. Normally, I would have forced myself to comfort him and calm him down. But I just couldn’t focus on him then. I couldn’t focus on anything. I was so mad, practically in a rage…hell, I’m still mad…

My father had no right to do what he did.

I called the credit card company as soon as we got back to the house, and tried to figure out what was going on; even though I already had a pretty good idea of what happened. They told me that the account had been deactivated two days ago by a Kyle Donovan, who happens to be my father. He did it to trap me…to put fear in me so I’ll come home. He figures if he cuts off my money supply, I’ll have no other choice. And I guess I don’t. I mean, I can’t just live off of Justin, that wouldn’t’ be right. I have to be able to provide for myself…

So I guess I should start making plans to leave for Tennessee as soon as Trace gets back.

I peek into the living room, to check on Justin quickly. He’s fine; sitting on the sofa, staring at the TV screen. He still looks uncomfortable of course, but I don’t blame him. He’s calm for the most part. “Hey…the chicken will be ready soon,” I tell him.

He looks over at me. “All right,” he says softly.

“Are you okay?”

He shrugs. “I’ll get there.” He manages a small smile for me, but it doesn’t put my mind at ease. “What about you?,” he asks. “Did you…get the thing sorted out with your credit card?”

I can’t tell him what’s going on, because if I do, it will make him more stressed and I can’t do that to him today. It’s going to have to wait, but then again…I always seem to toss my problems on the backburner when it comes to Justin. “Oh…yeah,” I laugh a little. “It was just a misunderstanding.”

He doesn’t seem convinced. “Are you sure? Because you know…you can tell me if you’re having problems, Kerri.”

I stare at him. He seems to genuinely care what’s going on with me. I feel like I can tell him, and he’ll have a good answer for me, just like he always used to. I tend to forget though, that Justin isn’t that same person he used to be. He’s changed, and right now he’s still mentally unstable. No, I don’t need to saddle him with my problems. I don’t. “I…”

“Now you’re gonna deny it.” He flashes me a knowing smile. A moment later he gets up from the sofa, and slowly makes his way across the room until he’s standing right in front of me. “And you’re gonna tell me not to worry and that everything is fine. Then you’re going to go in the kitchen and try to figure out how the hell you got into this mess in the first place.”

I shrug, but I know I cant’ lie to him. He’s intimidating when he’s standing right in front of me, so tall muscular and strong. Of course I feel protected, but at the same time I almost feel threatened. Like if I don’t tell him what’s going on, he’ll fly into a rage. Maybe that’s ridiculous. I mean, Justin definitely isn’t the abusive type. But I guess everything else has me so fucked up and afraid of the world, I can’t feel completely safe no matter where I am. “You’ve had a bad enough afternoon without me bringing my problems into it,” I whisper. “I can just…call Trace.” I wince a little. I’m sure it hurts him to know that I’d rather talk to Trace about all of this than him.

“Trace is going to be a mess,” he nods. “You wanna deal with his depressed ass then go ahead, but I don’t see why you’re going to go out of your way like that when I’m standing right here.”

He’s right. The most Trace will do is tell me not to worry about it…that he’ll fix in. And then he’ll go into a twenty minute ramble about how much of a bitch Elisha is and how everything is his fault. That will lead into a conversation that I’m not in the mood for at all. The alternative? Talk to Justin, or simply keep my feelings locked inside of me. I don’t want to do either, but I know I’ll go crazy if I don’t choose one or the other. I sigh heavily. It will make me feel a million times better if I tell him everything, I know that. But it makes me feel selfish…like my problems are bigger than Justin’s, which they’re not.

“Come on.” He tugs on my hand. “Please Ker, talk to me.”

I whimper a little, but I don’t stop him from pulling me over to the sofa. We sit down, and he flicks off the television. “I don’t’ want to tell you, because I don’t want you to be stressed out any more. I just want you to get better,” I whisper. “You deserve it.”

“Kerri look,” he pauses, and licks his lips. “I’ve…I’ve come a real long way since we got out of that place and came back home. Of course I’m still scared of a lot of things, and yeah…I flip out real easily. But Ker…I mean, I went out today. I shopped. I haven’t done that since before everything happened.” He looks into my eyes, and shoots me a warm smile. “And I couldn’t have done it without you there. Hell, I don’t think I could have gotten through half this shit without you, and…I’m so thankful that you’ve sacrificed so much for me, even when I acted like I didn’t want you around. So…let me do you a favor now okay? Let me talk to you, like you’ve talked to me. Let me help you with your problems.”

I feel a single tear crawl down my face, and I quickly wipe it away. “I don’t’ know…I don’t know what to do,” I say finally. My bottom lip quivers, and I bite down on it to make it stop. “Everything is such a mess, Justin,” I whisper.

“What happened to your money?”

There’s a knowing look in his eyes, and I’m pretty sure he’s guessed that my parents have something to do with this. So I decide not to hold back. There’s no point. “My parents don’t get why I’m here…especially my father. And we haven’t really been talking, because I told them I wasn’t going to come back home. So I guess my father got pissed, and decided to deactivate my card,” I tell him. “And now, I have no money. And if I don’t have any money, I can’t…I can’t provide for myself,” I sob. “I guess I’m going to have to go back home, Justin.” I rub my face with my hands, and shake my head. “But I don’t want to because I know you need me, and Trace is going to need me…”

“Shh,“ He silences me, and takes my hands in his. “Listen, the last thing you need to worry about is money, okay? I’m here, and I can help you and give you whatever you need.”

“No,” I groan. “I’m not going to be a freeloader Justin. I’m not going to have money thrown at me.” I tug my hands from his and sit back, crossing my arms across my chest.

“You’re family,” he says after a moment. “My family. And my family is the most precious thing in the world to me, you know that. I’m not going to stand by and make you go back to your parents house. I know they don’t get what happened, Kerri. And going back down there will kill you, I know it will. I…I made a mistake three years ago.” His voice cracks a little, and it causes me to look at him. “I know I did. But, I can make it up to you now, can’t I?”

I can’t answer him, because I seem to have lost the ability to speak right now. He’s acting so mature, so caring…like the guy I used to know. Justin, the guy who had it all together. The only one that could ever understand me. Is he back? And if he is, can I trust him to stick around? I don’t have an answer. I’m uncertain. I don’t want to get hurt again…not like that. “I want to trust you,” I finally manage to say.

“But you can’t,” he says for me.

I meet his gaze again. His eyes are fierce, intense, making the blue in them as deep as a stormy ocean.. “I’m afraid…that you’ll leave me behind.”

“No…” He pulls me close to him before I can stop him. “I would never…never do that to you again.” I feel his lips brush against my forehead, and my mind is screaming at me to get out while I can; but my heart won’t let me leave his side. “You gotta believe me, Kerri. Please believe me,” he pleads. “You’re too important to lose a second time.”

I believe him. For the first time in three years, I feel like I can. Like I can put all of my faith and hope and love into him like I used to, an that he’ll always be around to help me with whatever I need. I guess everybody should get a second chance, even Justin. Right now, it doesn’t seem to matter what he did…what I did, the things we said to each other. I just…I need him to be here. I need to sit like this with him for awhile, and I need him to tell me he’s always going to be here for me. I wrap my arms around his torso, and I lean into his chest. It feels so good. So good, that it’s hard to believe that it’s really happening. “I believe you,” I tell him a moment later, and I look up into his eyes.

He smiles, and touches my face with his hand. “Things are going to change,” he tells me. “We just have to keep our heads up, and try our best to not go insane,” he chuckles. “But…I think we can help each other, right?”

“We’ve come this far,” I half smile. “Why not try to go all the way?”

********************

This evening has been so normal, it’s almost nauseating. There haven’t been any problems, or temper tantrums, or dramatic moments. Actually, the only problem of the evening is that its been pouring down rain for the last hour. Kerri and I ended up on the couch in front of the television, eating the kick ass dinner she prepared. We watched Jeopardy and screamed out answers even if we didn’t know them, like we’ve been doing since we were able to understand what the game was all about. It was fun, laid back, normal…until the phone rang.

Of course it was Trace. Of course he was pretending that he was more stable than me. And of course he was asking me every damn question under the sun. I wanted to tell him to shut the hell up and tell me what happened with him and Elisha; but I didn’t’ want to just blurt that out I know it’s a sensitive subject, and I’m sure he doesn’t’ want me to know anything until he comes back on Sunday. So I didn’t bring it up, in hopes that he would wisen up and confide in me like he’s always done. But of course, Elisha’s name didn’t enter our conversation once. All he could talk about was me, and business…and that Johnny’s been calling him for the past couple of days. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to think about the business side of things when I didn’t have to…so I simply passed the phone off to Kerri. She seemed nervous when she took the call, and even went so far as to take it into the other room so I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I didn’t ‘let it get to me though. The only reason Kerri wouldn’t’ want me to hear their conversation, is because it would upset me. She’s looking out for me…

And I trust her.

I’ve been toying around with the remote that came with my new alarm system. It’s pretty cool, really state of the art, and I know Trace is gonna get a kick out of everything it can do once he comes home and sees it. It controls everything. I can set the code. I can turn my lights on and off. I can send a silent panic alert out to the company if somebody tries to break in. I can even control the new surveillance cameras I had installed with it. Damn, I’m gonna sleep with this thing under my pillow. It’s perfect. I’m totally protected now, and nobody is ever going to be able to get to me again. Maybe I can talk momma and daddy into getting this same thing put into their houses, so when I go down there I wont have to worry either. Yeah…

“Hey. You want some?”

I look over my shoulder, and I smile when I see Kerri standing there, a carton of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream in one hand, two spoons in another. “Oh yeah,” I nod. “Bring it on girl.”

She grins devilishly. “Let’s eat it out of the box!”

I laugh. “Remember that night…we ate a whole box of this shit on the bus ride to Toronto.”

Her eyes widen. “Oh my god.” She plops down beside me again, and laughs as she rips the top off the box. “We were stoned, Justin.”

“Stoned?” I chuckle. “Girl, we were more than stoned.”

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “And Trace got pissed because we snuck off and didn’t tell him what we were doing,” she giggles.

She hands me a spoon, and I smile. “A toast to…” I pause, and we both raise our spoons in the air. “Uh…”

“Getting back to fucking reality,” she smiles.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” We clink our spoons together and dig in. I take some on my spoon and shove it in my mouth. “Shit,” I groan with pleasure, savoring the chocolaty goodness. “This is a great idea.”

“This is calorie hell,” she points out, once she’s downed her third spoonful. “And I haven’t done a thing since I’ve been out here but sit on my ass.”

“We can go to the gym tomorrow,” I offer. “I haven’t’ been in awhile, and I really need to start getting my act together if we‘re gonna tour.”

Kerri leans back into the sofa, and licks her spoon. “Are you scared? You know…about getting back out there again?”

Not scared. Fucking terrified. But I don’t want to be. This is my career at stake, and I know I have to tour in order to keep my name out there. Besides, from what my mother has been telling me, the ticket sales have been going excellent. I mean, I know it’s only little clubs that I’ve sold out but still…for me to go through something like this and still have a dedicated fan base says a lot. And I’m not going to disappoint my public. “Maybe a little,” I sigh, and shove more ice cream in my mouth. “But I’m going to go through with it no matter what. You know, I have an obligation to everybody.”

She looks down at her lap. “Trace says I should go on tour with you.”

Of course Kerri will tour with me. I figured that was the original plan all along. Maybe she never got the whole picture though, because I never explained it to her. But I wasn’t really in the state of mind to talk about stuff like that with her before. “Well…yeah,” I say. “Of course you’re gonna come. and we’ll do the club thing. Then we’ll have Thanksgiving in Tennessee, do a few more shows, and have Christmas in Florida with my dad. And in January we’ll go over to the UK for a few shows…”

She gasps. “The UK?”

I smile a little. I know traveling overseas is something that Kerri has always wanted to do, and I’ve always wanted to give her the chance. Up until now, her parents always put their foot down when it came to Kerri leaving the country with me. But now she’s an adult, and she can make her own decisions. I would love to take here there with me…let her see the world, and allow her to explore places she’s never been before. Maybe…maybe that could be my little pay back. My little gift to her, for all the shit she’s been put through, and all the things she’s sacrificed for me. “Yeah. You wanna go right?”

“Justin…I…” She pauses, seemingly at a loss for words. “Of course I want to go. But I just…I can’t really afford to…”

“Kerri,” I cut her off. “What did I tell you before? Money isn’t an issue okay? I just…I want you with me, and that’s all. Just forget about everything else. Your parents, and their fucked up priorities. They need to understand that you’re not going to get better if you sit around and dwell on everything. You need to get out and see things and do things. I think that this is gonna be a great experience for you Ker. And you know, you‘ll get a lot of communications experience this way too. Besides, how many people our age can say they’ve worked with a major recording artist before they’ve graduated college?”

“Thank you Mr. Ego,” she laughs.

“Well…what? That’s what I am. And I‘m awesome too,” I wink.

Her expression grows serious, and for a moment, she stares at me in disbelief.

“Kerri?” I ask. “You okay?”

“Yeah.“ She flashes me a soft smile. “You just…this is the first time you’ve really talked about yourself in a positive way since…everything happened,” she points out.

I didn’t even realize. Weird. But I’m sort of proud of myself I guess. Yeah, I am. I’m proud to be me right now. I feel a smile tug at the corners of my mouth, and before I know it, I’m grinning from ear to ear. Its something I haven’t done in a long, long ass time. I’m a little confused by it too, but I’m not going to let it drive me crazy. “I did didn’t I?”

She hugs me, and I allow myself to hold her tighter than I have in a long time. I don’t know how I’m not nervous about it, because she’s touching me and normally I have a hard time with that. But this is Kerri, and I guess things are different with her. I trust her. She’s not going to try to feel me up or make out with me, and she knows what’s going on with me. She knows that I might be gay; but she’s not bothered by it. I’m safe in her arms. I can just…be me.

BOOM

A loud clap of thunder rumbles loudly from outside, causing the room to shudder a little. I suck in a breath, and maintain my composure so I won’t freak out in front of Kerri…

But I don’t think she would notice if I started to right now.

“Make it stop! Please me make it stop!” she screams, and buries her head in my chest. I can feel her trembling. I know she’s terrified.

“It’s okay,” I try and reassure her. “It’s just the thunder. It can’t hurt you Ker.” I stroke her head gently, trying to soothe her anxiety.

“Put it down,” she whimpers, oblivious to my comforting words. “Put the gun away Justin. You don’t need it anymore.”

I can remember every detail of the moment she’s referring to. How I had to kill Shane, how my hands were trembling, and how I wouldn’t get rid of the gun because I was so afraid that he was going to come back and hurt us again. “There’s no gun,” I say, giving her a reassuring rub on the back. “I promise.”

Then, the worst possible thing that could happen right now, happens. Another loud burst of thunder sounds, Kerri screams, and clings to me tighter…

And then everything shuts down. The lights go out, the house in plunged into darkness. We’ve lost power…that’s reality and I know that. There’s no danger. I have to keep repeating it to myself. No, there’s no danger. It’s just the house. It’s just the dark, and it’s going to get fixed. I take deep, even breaths, as I’ve been instructed to do in a situation such as this. It calms me down a lot, and I know I’m going to be fine. But Kerri…Kerri isn’t okay.

“No!” Kerri wails. “Turn the lights on Justin, please! Please!”

“Kerri, shhh.” I pull her as close to myself as I can, and rock her a little in my arms. “You’re fine.”

“I don’t…I don’t’ like the dark,” she stutters. “They come back when its dark.”

The thunder sounds again, and again…and again. And Kerri freaks out more each time it does. She buries her face in the crook of my neck and clings to me like a child as she cries. I can’t really do anything but sit here and hold her, and try to convince her that everything is going to be okay. I hate it. We’re here, we’re alive…and I’m getting better every day that I wake up. But Kerri is still suffering…so much, and it’s not fair.

This all leads back to the shed, and I know that. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for her…being tied up in the dark for all those hours. She must have been so scared, so confused, and probably didn’t know if they were going to come back and shoot her or simply leave her in there to die on her own. Now that I have more of a level head…now that I can think like a normal human being, I realize that what Kerri went through was probably just as bad as the Butt Sex was for me. “I’m here,” I reassure her. “And I’m going to keep you safe from them.”

After a moment, she looks up at me. “Promise not leave me here alone,” she sobs. “Okay?”

“I’ll never leave you alone,” I nod, and wipe the tears off of her cheeks with my hand. “I care about you.” I keep one of my arms around her, while I lean over and open the drawer beside the sofa. I feel around clumsily for a few moments, before I find what I’m looking for. I breathe out a relieved sigh and pull out the flashlight, immediately flicking it on. “Here.” I hand it to her, and she seems to calm down a little. I used to do this with my brothers a lot when they were younger. Even now, Stephen still needs that kind of comfort during a thunderstorm; as I found out when I was down there the last time. So if it will work for a kid who’s afraid of the dark, I’m sure it will help Kerri too. “Just hang on to that for me okay?” I smile.

She nods gratefully. “I feel like a child,” she whimpers. “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head. “The dark just…really scares me.”

“There’s no reason to be apologizing for that,” I say. “You have every reason in the world to be scared Ker. I get it…and I don’t think you’re childish for letting your emotions show.”

She sighs heavily, and points the light upwards so the area around us will be somewhat illuminated. I can see her face now, and I‘m thankful because that means that she can see me too. I’ve never realized the woman that Kerri has grown into up until now. Now that I can focus…now that I’m not so crazy with embarrassment and guilt about what I did with Shane, I realize that she’s beautiful. Why did I ever walk out on somebody like her? Somebody so caring and gentle, and sweet? She’s the only one that ever knew me as me, and not a celebrity…not ‘part of the business.’ We didn’t just…have sex that night. We made love. We really did. And I was too selfish to accept it in that. She gave herself to me…her whole self. I feel my bottom lip quiver, and I reach out and cup her cheek in my palm. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

She blinks, and sucks in her lower lip. “For what?”

“I should have loved you back,” I choke out.

It thunders again, but this time Kerri isn’t as frightened. She’s still tense of course, and she still won’t pull away from me; but she’s so busy staring at me in disbelief I don’t think she can focus on being afraid right now. “Justin,” she whispers and draws my hand away from her face. She shakes her head a little, and more tears spill out of her eyes. “I…”

“Do you think…do you think that I could be gay?” I ask her intensely. I don’t want to start crying right now. She needs me to be strong. But there are so many emotions building up inside me about her…about myself, that I don’t know if I can hold out much longer.

“Justin, please. You have to stop thinking like this.” She grabs my face with both of her hands, and looks me directly in the eyes. “You‘re not gay.” She shakes her head, and gives me a sad look. “God. What did he do to you?”

I can only shrug. I don’t have an answer, and I’m almost regretting even getting into this with her. I’ve never really discussed it in detail before. I’ve only told her that the Butt Sex was my fault, and I could have stopped it. But I really feel…like, that deep inside, part of me wanted it. “I had to have wanted it,” I hear myself say. “He wouldn’t have been so…attracted to me otherwise.”

She pulls back from me a little bit. “Do I have to prove to you that you’re not gay?,” she whispers. “Because I will if I have to.”

I freeze. I can hardly breathe…my mouth goes dry. All I can think is that she‘s going to force me into something that I know I can‘t go through with. Just like Cam did. God, no…I can‘t hit Kerri. I won‘t let myself do it. I won‘t turn into a monster on her. “Kerri…no…”

She moves closer to me, and raises a quivering hand to my face. She caresses my cheek, my forehead, and finally smoothes one of her fingers over my bottom lip. I feel my protective barriers begin to crumble at her touch. Her hands, so slender, so warm…I love the way they feel against my skin. I realize that I’ve missed this…us, being together, being close…caring about each other. I want to pull back…run away. I’m scared as shit and I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do if she kisses me. I’m terrified, shaking…I need to pull back. But I can’t make myself do it. Something inside of me won’t allow it. It’s telling me I need her and I need to do this…not just for myself, but for her too. “Ker,” I barely whisper.

She bites her bottom lip. “Should I stop?”

I gaze into her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that used to fill me with so much happiness and love. Once upon a time. Only…she never knew just how much I cared. I have a chance now, I realize. But…Shane…

Fag. I hear him whisper in my ear, and I close my eyes. You faggot.

I choke out a sob. “I don’t fuckin know what to do.” I grab onto her hand, and let myself break down in front of her. I hate this. I hate myself. I’m supposed to be helping her, and instead this is turning into something about me. It always does. Always.

“Justin.”

I feel her lips on my cheek, and my eyes fly open. “Don’t. Please don’t,” I sob. “You don’t’ know what I’ll do.”

But she doesn’t hear me. The next thing I know, her lips are on mine…and she’s kissing me. Then I’m…then I’m kissing her. Wild, passionate, like I’ve wanted her all along. I feel myself come back to life. To the person that I used to be. The one that used to be in love with this awesome girl. And I don’t ever ever want to stop kissing her. My lips wander from hers; down to her neck, and I let them linger there, savoring the feeling of her warm flesh against my lips. I remember this. I remember how this used to make me feel late at night when we would lay in my bus together. I knew I loved her then. Damn it. Why couldn’t I have let her know? Why did I allow myself to get caught up with stupid shit…and eventually lose her? Eventually, I force myself to stop kissing her, and I pull her to me. I cry into her, because I’m so damn confused, and I don’t know what the hell just happened with us. The only thing I do know…is that Shane didn’t come back and take over. I didn’t’ hit Kerri. She’s still here. I’m not a monster.

And I’m not gay.

I take deep breath, and I think I might have even stopped breathing for a moment or two…because I’m practically gasping for air right now. “Kerri.” My voice quivers, and I‘m shaking a hell of a lot harder than I was before. “Kerri, is this right?”

She looks down at her lap for a moment before meeting my gaze again. “I--I think it is,” she says, in a confused tone. “I mean, I hope it is. I just didn‘t know what else to do. I needed to make you understand, Justin.” She pauses, and sucks in a breath. “Did I help you at all?”

I try to think. I try to feel something…anything. A change, good or bad. But I just…all I can do is stare at her. I don’t know what I’m feeling, or what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I’ve just climbed a gigantic mountain, and now that I’m at the top…there’s nothing but emptiness. I can’t feel happy, I can’t feel angry or confused. All I can do is sit here, and stare…

And kiss her again.

Complicated