Saturday, August 3rd, 2005
He picked at what was left of his lobster tail, ate a little bit more corn, took one more sip of his wine then sighed.
She looked up at him, holding her wine glass by the stem. It bothered her to hold it any other way; she hated the look of
finger prints on the bowl.
“Good lobster,” he said.
She nodded slowly, “Yeah.”
He rested his elbow on the table on their private terrace and ran his hands over his face,
“How long are we going to do this.”
She sighed, “You tell me.”
He sighed, “So I guess this means, that, like…this is, what, our first official
fight.”
“Pretty much.”
“Why are you being this way?”
“Why are you being the way you're being? I don't understand it for the life of me,”
She said, resting her linen napkin on the table. “Today you didn’t even look me in the eyes.”
He sighed, “Maybe we just need to face the fuckin facts, Aubrey.”
“Okay. And what facts are those?” She asked, obviously coping an attitude as a
salty oceanic breeze blew steadily.
“Let’s just look at this for what it is,” he said, “you want to?”
She clenched her jaw and stared blankly at him.
He bit his lip and sighed, “This is a good fuck. That’s it.”
She gasped, “Who are you?”
He said nothing; no emotion crossed his face.
She got up from the table when he didn’t answer after a minute or two. He sat and watched
her rush around inside their suite, slipping on a pair of flip flops and a shrugging on a jacket.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get the feeling you cared,” she said, “What
am I to you again?”
“Aubrey—“
“No. Actually, it’s better if you don't speak, because lately everything you say
comes out extremely wrong.” She said simply, “I’m going for a walk. Don't come and find me.”
He sighed, barely looking up from his plate of unfinished food, “Can you just stay?”
“No, Justin,” she said, “I can’t just stay.”
He didn’t get up from the table.
She stared at him from the terrace doorway, “Justin, you….”
“What? What, Aubrey?”
“No, you know what?” She said pointedly, “I think that when I come back…I’m
going to pack up and I’m going to take the train back to the city. Alone. And this can be finished for you; you can
move on, you can go out and pick up girls in any club or bar you chose. I don't care, because I’m done caring. It isn't
my fault you're a stubborn and callous asshole who’s afraid of getting their heart broken one more time. You're being
selfish.”
He gritted his teeth as he watched her storm out of the hotel suite.
Aubrey buried her face in her hands as she sobbed hysterically on the beach. Her cell phone
vibrated in her pocket and she took it out to look at the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Will you please just come back up here?”
“Why? Do you want a good bye fuck?”
He sighed and she wondered if she’d angered him by that statement.
“I have to talk to you.”
“If you want to talk to me,” she said, “you can come down to the beach and
talk to me.”
“Okay, well, unless you want to have this argument in front of half of Kennebunkport…”
“I don't care anymore, honestly.” She said, “If you want to walk to me you
can come down here and talk to me. I wont listen, but you can talk all you want.”
He sighed, “I’ll wait till you calm down.”
“Till I calm down? I’m calm.”
“No,” he said, “I can kinda see you from our balcony, you're sitting down
there bawling your eyes out.”
“Might you have any idea who’s to blame for that, Justin? I think you know him.”
He gulped audibly, “Just tell me when you're ready and we’ll talk.”
She sighed, “Fine.”
With that, she hung up the phone and resumed her hysterical crying. Her phone rang again,
“Oh my God, what! What! What do you want?”
“Whoa,” Emma said softly, “Should I call back later?”
“No, Emma.” She sniffled, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her navy blue and white
striped cotton jacket, “No.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Apparently I’m just a good fuck to him. And those are his words, not mine.”
Emma said nothing.
“Yeah, and,” she sniffled, “it isn't even the truth because I know that
isn't how he feels.”
“No, it isn’t.” Emma said slowly. “Aubrey, what….did something
change?”
She let out a cry or two before speaking, “He’s been blowing me off since we got
to Kennebunkport. The other night we went to dinner and I look up and he’s talking to some girl at the bar. He was completely
pushing me away. And I called him out on it, and…I don't know, we said a lot of things.”
“Like?”
“I don't know,” she said frustratedly, “I don't understand why he would
act like this.”
Emma sighed, “Because men are assholes. That’s the solid truth, Aubrey. I don't
know what else to say.”
“You don't have to say anything,” she said, “I think it’s over.”
“No,” Emma said gently, “It can't be.”
“He’s so hung up on being afraid of getting his heart broken one more time, and
I guess he thinks that if he ends it before I have the chance to…”
“Men are assholes, that’s all I have to say,” Emma sympathized, “But
look…why don't you go back and talk about it? These things have a weird way of working themselves out.”
“I wish,” she sniffled, “I’ll call you later.”
“Bye, Aubrey. Love you.”
“Love you,” She repeated before snapping the phone shut.
That was another thing; the L word hadn't been dropped by either of them when both of them
knew it was so obviously on the tips of their tongues. She hoisted herself off the sandy rocks, dusting off her butt and crossing
her arms as she walked back towards quaint bed and breakfast.
She let herself back into the suite to find him sitting in the same place he was when she’d
left; then again, she hadn't been gone for very long anyway.
He looked up at her.
“You’ve broken my heart,” she said blatantly, “You managed to get
out okay, I see.”
He gulped.
“I don't know why you feel you need to be doing this,” she said, “why you
feel you need to push me away or hurt me. It doesn’t make any sense. And I know that if you weren't into this you wouldn’t
have stuck around as long as you have. We’ve been together for almost a month, Justin, and I just don't understand why
you think it has to be this way.”
He sighed, “You couldn’t understand anyway.”
She glared at him, “Try me.”
He licked his lips and sipped his wine, “I just don't want to do this again.”
“Do what again?” She asked, crossing her arms tighter as the wind grew colder.
“You're so naïve.”
“Don't tell me I’m naïve,” she said, “Tell me anything but that.”
He sighed, “Aren't you at least a little bit afraid?”
“Of what?” She asked, her voice almost pleading for him to let her in.
He gulped and poured himself more wine.
“If we don't talk about this, if we somehow drag this out more than we already have,
there isn't any way we’re going to get past this,” she said, “The bottom line is that you hurt me. That’s
all this is about.”
He sighed.
“The minute you stop being afraid of whatever it is you're afraid of, the very moment
you realize what you have, come and talk to me. When you feel like letting me in, I’ll be watching TV.”
He blinked as he watched her walk back into the suite and into the master bedroom. She slipped
off her shoes and crawled onto the kind sized bed, the remote in hand.
He rested his head on his flat forearm, sighing to himself. He wasn’t going to deny
that what he did was wrong and hurtful – he was strongly flirting openly with some girl at the bar. He couldn’t
even remember her name. But that was only the beginning. After he’d flirted openly with some random girl, he’d
gotten so drunk that after they’d come home from dinner he rambled on about how love was bullshit et cetera.
Aubrey had felt awful since she’d been publicly embarrassed by her own boyfriend. She
felt humiliated that her boyfriend, or who she thought she was her boyfriend, lacked enough respect to openly flirt with some
other woman right in front of her.
But the worst part was that it was all on purpose; she knew it was all in his master plan.
She knew exactly what he was trying to do.
She was watching CNN thinking she should have packed up and left after the part where he told
her that she was to him was just a good fuck. That hurt. She didn’t know why exactly she was still sticking around.
He entered the master suite, leaning against the doorframe with his hands in the pockets of
his jeans.
“Yes?” She said with gritted teeth.
“If you hate me,” he said, “I wont hate you for it.”
She blinked.
“I’m done being afraid.”
“Okay.” She said insincerely.
“You don't think I see what I have?”
She exhaled softly, “You really could have fooled me there.”
He licked his lips, “You're being kind of hard.”
“Well I wasn’t the one who openly flirted with some girl at a bar, Justin, so…”
“I’m not trying to end this, Aubrey. I know you think that…but I’m
not.”
She nodded slowly, “Fooled again.”
He came in and turned off the TV, sitting next to her.
“Can I say something?”
“What?”
“I know you think that…” she paused, “it’s probably just a matter
of time before I turn out like every other ex girlfriend on your record and cheat on you. But guess what? Newsflash, unlike
them, I actually care about you so it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me why I would go and do something like that.
You might, maybe. But I wouldn’t.”
He looked at her, “I know that you care.”
“Obviously I do,” she said, “or else neither of us would be here right now,
talking about this. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t have called you out on the fact that you practically cheated right
in front of me.”
“You have to understand one thing if nothing at all,” he said, “my sanity
is this close to being completely shattered. Why? This trust thing. This trust thing kills me, you know. Because so far all
I’ve believed is that every woman I meet or have some sort of relationship with will cheat on me. For God’s sake,
my own mother cheated on my father when I was a kid. I can't get past it. No matter what, it’s always me left in the
end. I’m sick of it.”
She sighed, “What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to try and be forgiving because
you lack faith or trust? That’s not fair. What you did hurt me, Justin, and you can't seem to grasp that.”
He rolled his eyes, “You just want me to tell you I love you and make everything better,
don't you? Is that what this is about?”
She closed her eyes for a moment to regain her composure, “I wouldn’t want you
to strain yourself, nor would I want you to feel like you're obligated or anything.”
He sighed, “That’s harsh.”
“This entire thing is harsh,” she replied coldly, “You…what you're
doing is harsh.”
He bit his bottom lip, “Why, because I’m scared shitless? How do you want me to
act?”
“How do I want you to act?” She replied, “Like you were before it dawned
on you that maybe this goes way past infatuation and that you're too afraid to acknowledge that. Like maybe before you had
a free minute to sit and sulk over all the past women in your life who have somehow screwed you over, Justin. Before all of
this.”
He sighed, “I can't change what happened before.”
“Well of course you can't, but it wouldn’t kill you to forget it.” She said,
“If you can't get past all of this insecurity…”
“What? It’ll be over? This will be over?”
She clenched her jaw, “I don't want to stand around and wait for you while you work
out your frustrations and insecurities.”
“Maybe you wont have to,” he said.
“Really?”
He nodded, “It isn't that I don't trust you.”
“No, it’s that you don't trust any woman.” She clarified, “I’m
not stupid. Don't think you can have me all you want while you go out and do whatever to make it seem like things aren't that
bad for you. But they are. You have serious issues.”
“Thanks, because I didn’t know that before,” he said coldly, “this
vacation was a bad idea.”
“I think this relationship was a bad idea,” she said.
He stared at her, “Aubrey, please.”
“I wont hurt you, Justin, if you just let me in.” she pleaded, “I’m
falling in love with you. I’m not going to deny that. Just let me in before I fall flat on my face. Please.”
He sighed, “I’ve already fallen flat on my face…way too many times.”
“Well you can't ward off love for the rest of your life.” she said, “Not
all women are like what’s her name. Can't you at least admit I’m not like any of them?”
He nodded slowly, “I do admit that. You're different, yea.”
“You're not acting like I’m different,” she said, “I feel like you're
waiting for this relationship to explode on my behalf.”
“Half of me is.” he said, “And the other half of me just wants to be in
love with you.”
“And aren't you?” She pleaded, tears building up behind her eyes. She sniffled
and ran a hand through her chestnut hair.
“I can’t be,” he said softy, “I want to, but I can’t.”
She sniffled again and looked down, “Can’t or won’t?”
He sighed, “If I fall in love with you…”
She blinked and wiped at her eyes.
“If I fall in love with you,” he told her, “I’ll never get up.”
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