It was the first time in years that I’d had to deal with it…screaming, yelling, flashes in my face.  I knew how he felt, truly…probably for the first time ever.  Sure, I’d been with him to the award shows before; but those times couldn’t compare to the feelings and emotions that were swimming around me tonight.  No, not at all…because back then we’d both been so carefree…so naïve to the dangers of the world.  So oblivious to the fact that in the blink of an eye, your life could turn into a nightmare.

The red carpet wouldn’t have been so bad, if it hadn’t been for that one reporter at the end of the stretch that simply didn’t care about the rules. In fact, things had been running very smoothly before that. Actually, more than smooth…eerily smooth. The moment we pulled up to Radio City, it was like everything that had happened over the past few months was simply a distant memory.  Tiny got out of the car, taking a few moments to survey our surroundings before he gave us the go ahead to follow him onto the red carpet.  I had seen the fear and panic creep over Justin almost immediately.  Seeing that crowd, all those people waiting for him to get out of that car, scared the crap out of him.  His hand had latched onto my arm right away, clinging onto it for dear life. 

“You ready?” I’d asked him, glancing over at Trace for the support I knew I needed just then.  But of course Trace, stubborn and miserable since we’d gotten into the car, paid me no mind.  He looked out the window, seeming not to care how nervous his best friend was…

And I couldn’t believe him.

“You won’t let them touch me,” Justin had whispered, his expression a confused, frightened one . “Right, Kerri?”

“No,” I’d reassured him, with a warm smile.  I’d kissed him lightly, and ran my hand down his cheek.  “Nobody gets to touch you but me,” I’d giggled.

But his playfulness hadn’t returned, and I guess I shouldn’t have expected it to.  “There’s a lot of people,” he’d reminded me, peering out the open doorway.  “A lot.  What if I get lost in the crowd…or what if they…”

“Damn it,” Trace had spoken up, much to my surprise.  He’d shifted a little, and repositioned his arm around Elisha.  “Haven’t you been through enough therapy and sh'it to know that the world isn’t out to get you, Justin? Calm down okay?  It’s gonna be fine.”

The mature, reserved part of me held back from screaming at Trace just then.  Deep down, I knew his outburst was only caused due to the stress and anxiety he was feeling inside.  He was terrified of what was going to happen to his friend once he had to face the public eye, and because of this…he was acting like an a'sshole.  Of course, the argument we’d had just a few minutes before hand wasn’t helping him to calm down at all.  He was too stressed out to be there, and really he shouldn’t have been forced to join us.  But Justin wanted him there, and nobody, not even Trace…was going to deny him anything tonight.   That didn’t’ mean I thought Trace had a right to act that way, of course.  I started to think he was getting sick of helping Justin with his problems, that he was sick of dealing with it.  And that wasn’t the Trace I’d known my whole life.  I had to admit it…this whole thing had changed him more than I thought, and of course I felt party responsible…being involved. I guess it’s why I decided to pull Justin out of the car then.  I knew if I didn’t, another argument would have been started, and there was no way Justin would have been able to focus on what he needed to.

The screams ripped through my eardrums before Justin was more than halfway out of the car.  Flashes went off, hands shot out from the pit…longing for just a touch of his hand.  I’d looked at him, and of course I knew he was nervous, but he played it off well.  He’d smiled, waved a little bit, and taken my hand in his as we followed Tiny toward the paparazzi line.  Holding his hand was a little weird.  It showed people that we weren’t just friends, that we were dating…a couple, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. But I knew Justin didn’t’ care what people thought about us, and so…I didn‘t protest. If this experience has taught us anything, it’s that we should cherish everything we have in our lives; be it friendships, or relationships.  And the relationship Justin and I have now, is something we’d never thought we’d be able to have.  In that moment, I was thankful…thankful for everything we’d gained due to our tragedy.  It allowed me to forget about Trace and his sh'itty attitude for the moment, and I was able to start enjoying myself.

We hadn’t been on the carpet for more than two minutes before the first reporter stopped us.  Her name was Caroline and she was from E!.  I didn’t really know if I could trust her, and the expression on Justin’s face was telling me he definitely didn’t.  But, I figured the night had to start off somewhere, and I knew it was a lot safer to start off with one of the more prominent entertainment news stations, rather than a crappy tabloid magazine.  So, I’d patted Justin’s shoulder and reassured him everything was going to be fine, before having Caroline sign the release that Justin and I had conjured up the previous day. 

Thankfully, the questions she asked were normal, laid back, and problem free.  She asked if he was glad to be back, who he was looking forward to seeing performance wise, and who he hoped was going to win big.  The most important thing, was that she was courteous, and respectful of the release and Justin’s privacy.  She made it fun, she made Justin remember what the award show experience was all about, and I think he got to melt back into his normal mode then.  It was just what he needed to kick off the evening, and I’d never been more thankful.  I figured that maybe, people did care, and they wanted him to get better just as badly as his friends and family did.

I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.

We made our way down the rest of the line, without any major catastrophes.  A lot of the reporters knew who I was, but most were reluctant to bring me into the conversation.  Maybe it was the fear of tampering with the release that made them ignore me, but in my opinion…I think they wanted to keep their stories and minds focused on Justin and only Justin.  Bringing me into it would have deterred his mind from their questions, it would have opened up an entirely new subject, and I understood that.  Not that I would have wanted to be interviewed anyway…I’m not used to that sort of thing, and I didn’t want the attention to be distracted from Justin on his special night.  So, I basically loomed in the background, and supervised the interviews as Tiny and Lynn had instructed me to.  Once or twice, Justin would take it upon himself to bring me into the conversation . When Mtv was interviewing him, Justin told them I was one of his biggest supporters.  I was a little bashful, and I’d been reluctant to show my face on camera until Justin coaxed me forward.  I did it for him, even though I really didn’t want to.  I knew who was watching tonight…people I know from school, possibly my parents.  I don’t know…I guess it was cool sitting next to Justin in front of the entire nation, but I’ve never really loved being the center of attention.  Even now…after everything, I’d much rather shut myself away in a room before talking about how I feel with anybody.

I didn’t expect Justin to tell people that I was his girlfriend, and I’m glad that he didn’t.  It’s too early for us to be viewed as a couple by the media and the fans.  Personally, I don’t want anybody to know…because I’m afraid that they’ll try to tear us apart.  People get jealous easily, and God, I hate it.  Justin’s fans…some of them think that he has to live for them.  He has to be single, available…so they can dream about getting married to him or some stupid sh'it.  It’s not fair.  Justin’s a normal guy--or at least he’s trying to be…and he has every right to have a girlfriend and be happy.  A girlfriend like me.  Somebody who knows him, really knows him…the person inside.  And maybe it’s selfish for me to think this way, but really…I don’t think any other girl could be as good to Justin as I am.  Nobody else is as deep with him…nobody else understands him…the person he was, the person he is now…and they’ll never be able to. 

I’m the only one for him.  That’s right, for once in my damn life it’s all about me. 

Unfortunately, our care free evening came to a crashing halt just before we entered the music hall.  There was a stray reporter positioned right by the doorway, from some hoopla publication that didn’t have a chance in hell of getting a big name to stop.  I knew it was risky, and I tried to avoid him at all costs…but I was stopped suddenly and quickly by Justin.  I guess he felt for the guy, he wanted to give him a chance or something. I protested of course, telling him that we really needed to get inside.  But he only tugged at my hand and smiled at me

“Just one more,” he persisted.  “Come on, Kerri.  Talking to small papers is good for my media image, and…I need kiss ass tonight,” he’d laughed, squeezing my hand reassuringly.  “Everything is fine, I’m sure he’s harmless.” 

I was weary.  I didn’t’ trust it…and I warned Justin about what could happen; but I hadn‘t been able to change his mind.  He‘d been so sure, wanted to make his own decision, and it wouldn’t‘ have been right for me to deny him that.  With a sigh, I gave in, and explained what the deal was to the reporter.  Everything seemed fine…he signed the release, he seemed to agree with everything I was telling him.

But in the blink of an eye, everything took a turn for the worse.

“How are you coping with your abduction?”

I stood behind Justin, dumbfounded that the question had been asked.  It was the first time that night that any sort of discomforting feeling had been brought about, and I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do.  I couldn’t say anything, because I knew anything I could say would make things worse.  Really, I wanted to punch the ba'stard for doing it…for crossing the line and catching Justin off guard when he was so vulnerable.  I could almost see myself strangling him, wrapping my hands around his neck and squeezing until his face turned blue and his eyes rolled backwards, revealing the whites of them.  But of course, none of that happened.  I could only stand there like the weak idiot that I am, and let Justin take it all in.

“I um…” Justin had whimpered, and scratched at the side of his mouth nervously.  “I’m not really in the mood for that discussion tonight.”

“It’s what the public  needs to hear,” the reporter reminded him, a smug smile on his round little face.  “And how can you ever begin to cope with what’s happened if you don’t start talking about it?”

And then I thought Justin was going to throw the piece of sh'it into the wall.  “Don’t you dare tell me how to cope with my problems,” he’d sneered, stepping dangerously close to the man.  “Don’t you dare.”

“Enough.” Eric had stepped in-between the reporter and Justin before things could get worse, and gently pushed him back over to me. “Enough, Justin.”

I’d grabbed onto my boyfriends hand eagerly, wanting to stop him from saying anything else.  The last thing he needed was something negative being printed about him due to his paranoid feelings about the evening.  “Don’t worry about him,” I’d whispered, pulling him through the doorway while Eric stayed behind; conversing quietly with the ba'stard reporter.  “He’s just thirsty for gossip and…”

“He’ll be hearing from my attorney,” Justin had interrupted me angrily.  “And you can fu'cking count on that.”

I didn’t take Justin seriously.  I mean, he‘d been asked a lot of questions, bad questions, by a lot of reporters in his life time.  I figured he was simply annoyed that things had gotten out of hand, because of a decision he‘d made.  So, rather than making a big deal about it, I decided to change the subject.  “Why don’t we go try to find where Trace ran off to,” I provided, even though I wanted to stay as far away from Trace as I could.  But, I figured that Trace would be able to put Justin’s mind at ease about the situation.  I couldn’t’ deny that despite everything, making Justin feel good about himself was still one of Trace’s strong points…when he was acting like himself anyway.

“Man little bro…better late than never huh?”

Hearing the voice seemed to break Justin out of his angry, confused state of mind; and even though I had no idea where the voice had come from, I was still thankful for it.  When we finally turned around, I immediately recognized Pharrell Williams, that other Chinese dude from the Neptunes, and a few other faces from various rap videos.  All seemed a little stoned, but really happy to see Justin nonetheless.

“Fashionably late.” Justin’s fake professionalism flew on at the sight of his friends, and it was bad…but it put me at ease a little bit.  I knew if Justin was still able to act like he was okay in front of people that had no idea what he’d been through, it meant that he hadn’t totally lost his mind. 

Justin had slapped hands with Pharrell and the rest of his posse, seeming to melt into the moment quite easily.  I on the other hand, stood a little bit behind him and observed, just as before.  I didn’t dare introduce myself, for the fear that I simply wouldn’t fit in.  I guess part of me was expecting Justin to introduce me anyway, and I guess its why I was a little hurt when it took fifteen minutes for anybody to realize I was even standing there.

And Justin wasn’t even the one who realized it.

“Who’s this?” Pharrell smiled, and stepped a little bit past Justin.  “Man, you don’t just leave your girl hangin’,” he laughed and took my hand.  “I’d tell you to excuse Justin,” he’d chuckled. “But he’s still a youngin, and I’m sure you’re used to this sorta thing by now.”

I’d cleared my throat and chuckled nervously.  I felt like yanking away from the gorgeous light skinned African man that stood before me, but I didn’t want him to think I was rude.  Although I’d never really gotten into the whole hip hop craze, I knew that Pharrell had a lot of influence, and was also a big part of the reason that Justin’s solo venture had been such a success.  I wanted to be the perfect little girlfriend who could do no wrong, even though I knew how far I was from that person.  “It’s okay,” I’d managed, before lightly tugging away from him.  “It’s a big night.”

Justin’s arms had immediately gone to my waist, and he’d pulled me close to him.  Part of me was sure it was all for show, but I shrugged the feeling away, convincing myself that Justin loved me, and he didn’t care who knew.  He’d started to pay attention to me again too, and that in itself made me melt into the moment.

“Rell, this is Kerri,” he’d finally informed his friend.

And then Pharell’s eyes had widened, as if some amazing realization had just dawned on him.  “Oh sh'it,” he’d said quietly.  “For real?”

I’d looked up at Justin, worried about what was going to happen next.  Would Pharrell question me? Would he want to know…everything? I’d felt nauseated, I’d needed a bathroom to vomit in, but I was too weak, and too worried about what running away from the situation would do to Justin.  After all, it was his night…

My feelings were definitely supposed to be on the backburner.

“She’s my blanket,” Justin chided, referring to one of the many stupid phrases he’d learned during his sessions with Madison.  “You know, she keeps me warm and safe when I’m insecure,” he’d shrugged a little and smiled at me.

Justin was treating me like his girlfriend, in front of people I’d never met in person before, and I didn’t know how to react. If it had been JC or any of the other guys, it wouldn’t’ have mattered.  But…I didn’t know Pharrell or his friends, and I didn’t know what opinions they were going to form about me.  I was sure Pharrell knew me as ‘that girl who got kidnapped’, but that was probably the most he knew.  He couldn’t have known about Justin and I…the bond we’d shared our entire lives.  He couldn’t have known how much we’d meant to each other at one time, and how much pain we’d had to endure in order to restore some kind of friendship between us again.

Or so I thought.

“Couldn’t get this guy to shut up about you last summer,” Pharrell beamed, seemingly happy that Justin and I were cuddling before him.  “You inspired a bunch of songs,” he’d laughed.  “Though, we had to cut most of them to make room for the heavy hitters.”

Naturally, I’d been under the assumption that Justin pushed me out of his mind for good all those years ago.    Though, Elisha’s story had told me that he’d still talked about me with Trace, it hadn’t been enough to make me think that he’d actually reminisced about me with other people.  It made me start to see things in a whole new light.  Perhaps Justin was always in love with me, yet we’d both been too immature and stubborn to try and turn things back around.  Three years he carried that in his heart, and I guess I carried it in mine too.  It took a nightmare to snap us out of it, and call me crazy but at that point I was almost thankful we’d been taken…

If only things could have been less emotional, less of a nightmare.

Justin didn’t said anything. I think the situation was too awkward for him, having his feelings dumped out in the open like that by his friends.  Of course he didn’t have to say anything, I knew how he felt about me already; he’d told me enough times over the past few days.  And so,  I probably shouldn’t have felt as confused and annoyed as I did when he pulled away from me and changed the subject to Pharrell’s latest collaboration.  I guess it was just the paranoid part of me kicking in.  The part of me that constantly tugs at my soul, warning me, telling me that he doesn’t care as much as  I think he does.  I started to ask myself the normal questions: Didn’t he want his friends to know that he was glad to have me back? Or was it like I’d thought…was he acting like he cared to prove something to the world? It was a horrible way to be thinking, and I knew that; but I’m easily confused, especially nowadays.  I needed to think, I realized.  And while I stood in the background as Justin and his friends chatted about things I had no part in, I tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings…

But as I stood there, and watched with wide eyes as more and more people flooded into the room, I started to feel uneasy.  There were so many faces…some famous, some not.  It didn’t matter to me anyway.  They were all doing the same thing; making the room stuffy, small, and closed in.  Of course I felt smothered, like I had in that closet when I was younger, like I had…in that shed.  I closed my eyes and tried to will the feeling away, but I couldn’t make it go away.  I’ve never been able to make that feeling totally go away.  And it didn’t help that every time I forced myself to open my eyes, the crowd seemed to get bigger, and bigger.  The bigger it became, the more short of breath I became…the more nauseated I started to feel. 

When I finally managed to look to my boyfriend for guidance, he seemed to be off in another world.  As we’d been standing there, his circle of friends and supporters had doubled, maybe even tripled.  Everybody was talking to him, everybody wanted a piece of him, and Justin well…he was eating it up; smiling and laughing as if nothing had ever happened to him.  I should have been happy about that, I tried to be happy about that, really I did.  But my throat was closing, I couldn’t breath…I was choking.  It was the same as the darkness…being gagged and bound.  The vision of myself lying in the darkness without an ounce of hope left, flashed before my eyes.  I practically screamed, but bit my tongue in defense… 

And I knew I had to get out.

Eric was standing behind us, so rather than interrupting Justin’s conversation with a man I’m almost certain was P. Diddy; I simply muttered ‘bathroom’ to Eric, before breaking through the large crowd of onlookers.  I was certain he probably hadn’t heard me.  Like everybody else, he was too focused on Justin’s well being to care what I was doing.  But it hadn’t’ mattered then.  What mattered was the bathroom.  What mattered was being able to breath again.  What mattered was not having a mental breakdown right before the Video Music Awards.

The bathroom was spacious, tranquil, quiet; a haven compared to the overcrowded foyer.  I’d splashed some water on my face quickly, and took a long, slow breath in and out.  When I finally managed to look at my reflection in the mirror, I cursed myself.  I hadn’t realized I’d started crying, and because I had…my makeup was smeared and my mascara was running down my cheeks.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to fix it the way Elisha had before we left the hotel, and I wanted to kick myself.  It was hard enough trying to blend in with the glamorous women in the foyer, and as I stared back at myself I once again began to wonder why Justin was wasting his time with me.  I thought that maybe, it was the reason he was so easily distracted from me.  Why he seemed to forget I was there when his friends came up to him, until they pointed me out.  Maybe it was an act…maybe he really didn’t care.  I’d gotten choked up at my realization, and probably would have started to cry all over again if it hadn’t been for the sound of feminine laughter echoing into the bathroom.  Fearing the worst…that they would know who I was, I quickly ran into a stall and locked myself in before the girls could notice me standing at the sink.

“He looks so good, Brit,” her friend had laughed.  “Really, you should have invited him out.”

I’d wrapped my arms around my knees then, and cringed inside.  I knew damn well who was standing out there, and as much as I wanted to tell her to stay the hell away from Justin, I knew there was no way I could do that.  I would have made a fool out of myself, and I’m sure my encounter with his ex girlfriend would have gotten back to him in the worst way.

“I couldn’t,” I heard her sigh.  “It’s been too long, and he’s gone through too much without me.  God,” she’d chuckled.  “I’m surprised he talked to me at all.”

“People are entitled to make mistakes,” her friend said.  “You and Justin simply…had a falling out.  But really, he seemed glad to see you.  Did you see the way he smiled? And lord, he hugged you for a hell of a long time.”

Britney giggled.  “I guess we’re still close.  But I think it would be weird to hang out with him right now, Darla.  I don’t know what he was put through, and I would feel weird asking him about it.”

“Who says you have to bring that stuff up? I mean, he’s probably got enough people breathing down his neck about it as it is.  You know, you’d probably be the perfect person for him to hang around with…you could help him to relax about the whole thing,” her friend pointed out.

I had to bite my lip to keep myself from screaming at them.  They had no right to stand around and talk about Justin and what was right for him.  None.  Britney had hurt him in the worst way, and in my opinion she didn’t deserve the time of day from Justin.  I could have kicked myself from walking away from him…what if Justin saw something in her that he couldn’t see in me? What if I went back out there and he acted differently toward me, or told me he was having second thoughts about his feelings for me? I knew I had to come out of hiding, huge crowd or not, and salvage my relationship before somebody snatched it out from under me. 

“He came with Kerri,” I heard Darla say, with a bitter laugh.  “I can’t believe that girl is still around.”

Then it was silent. I had no idea what Britney was going to say about me, and even though it was a little wrong for me to be eavesdropping on their entire conversation, part of me felt good about it.  That I could sort of get back at Britney for being such a bi'tch to me all those years ago.  “You know she was kidnapped too,” she’d said softly.  “She saw what went on.”

“Yeah,” Darla cackled.  “And now she follows him around like a little dog.  You’re so much better than that little girl, Britney.  Really, I think you should make some kind of effort here.  It’s obvious he still feels something for you.”

“I think they’re together.  And I know how he is…he needs her.  I’m not going to be the one to deny them that.  They’ve always shared something more,  you know? Something I never seemed to understand,” was Britney’s response .

It shocked me that she was showing any kind of respect for me and my relationship with Justin.  She’d always been so against us in the past, so jealous.  But I guess, her own falling out with Justin must have changed her . It must have made her more mature, made her realize that you can’t screw people over and expect them to understand and forgive you.  As strange as it was, I found myself not hating her as much as I had in the past.  I think I might have even been able to talk to her then, if it hadn’t been for her friend.  I didn’t want to deal with anybody I didn’t know…so I continued to sit in the stall until they decided to leave.  Only then, certain I‘d been left alone, did I reemerged from my private sanctuary; doing the best I could to fix my face and hair before I headed out to face the world again.

The crowd had seemed to thin slightly, most of the people having gone to their designated seats inside the theater, and I was thankful.  I wasn’t as panicked or smothered, I could breathe, and I was able to find Justin quickly.  This time, I found him surrounded by several familiar faces: Trace, Elisha, Tiny and Eric.  I’d let out a relieved sigh, realizing that I could melt into my normal personality for the moment, and I smiled a little as I made my way over to them.

“Hey.” I’d tapped Justin on the shoulder, and giggled a little.

“I told you she was fine,” Trace spoke up quickly, as I felt Justin jump at my touch.  “Christ Justin.”

Justin whirled around quickly, a pale, frightened expression on his face.  “God damn it,” he muttered, grabbing onto my arm forcefully. “Where the fu'ck did you go Kerri? What the hell were you thinking?”

I stood, frozen in my position, my fearful eyes locked on his angry ones.  I wasn’t absolutely sure what I’d done, but I was pretty positive that he had no idea that I’d run off to the bathroom.  “I had to pee,” I squeaked out.

“You didn’t bring Eric? You…you didn’t even tell me?”  He’d shaken his head roughly and sucked in his bottom lip before whispering: “Something could have happened to you.”

I would have said something, like that I was sorry.  Or, that I’d only run off because he’d been busy talking to his friends, but I hadn’t been able to get a single word out.  He seemed so upset, so disappointed in me, and I felt like a big failure.  It was supposed to be his night, and so far…I’d pissed Trace off and scared the sh'it out of Justin.  I felt that I couldn’t do anything right, and in that moment, I almost wished that Britney had gotten her way.  That Justin had simply been able to forget about me, Shane, the abduction…everything.  He should have just been able to melt into the evening, back into the lifestyle he’d been living without me for three years.  Suddenly, I felt how truly out of place I was there.  I couldn’t relate, I didn’t know.  He’d come so far since his little boy band…he had a solo thing going now, one that I didn’t know anything about.  One that he’d worked so hard to make into the biggest thing of the year. 

I was ruining the moment.  I was ruining everything he’d worked so hard for.  I should have ran off…but  I was entirely too scared to leave his side.  Going out there by myself, in New York City without him…I couldn’t have done it, even though I tried to make myself believe I could have.  I think I’ve grown too dependant on Justin and Trace…I expect them to be around, to protect me, to make me feel safe.   And no, I haven’t talked about this with Justin or anything…but I’m scared to death of what’s going to happen once Trace leaves and we get out on the road.  I’m going to have to go places, do things on my own, in strange cities where I don’t know anybody.  While I’m used to tour life, I haven’t been on the road with Justin in a long time.  And well…back then I was a hell of a lot more stable.

“Justin, relax,” Trace’s calming tone had broke us both out of the awkward moment.  “Kerri’s here, she’s safe…and everything is fine okay? Let’s just go sit down.”

“Don’t you ever go someplace without telling me,” Justin told me, not seeming to hear Trace’s words to him.  He tightened his grasp on my wrist, not because he was angry, but because he was stressed and not paying attention . Needless to say, it started to hurt, but I tried as hard as I could not to let it show.  “Okay?”

“I’m sorry,” I’d whispered.  “I…didn’t think.”

“We’re gonna miss the opening,” Trace had intervened once again.  “Come on, let‘s not miss anything.  I heard Chris Rock‘s routine is supposed to be funny as hell.”

“Come on,” Tiny persisted, when Justin didn’t let go of my wrist.  “Let’s go in.”

After a moment, Justin relaxed his grip on my wrist and I was able to pull away from him.  I looked down at the ground, too upset about what I’d done to look him in they eye anymore . I felt like crying…for ruining the evening, and because I was still so nervous about being around so many people.  I coughed a little, but bit my lip to keep any sort of whimper from escaping.

“I’m not mad at you,” I heard him say to me before gently lacing his fingers through mine. 

But I still couldn’t look at him.

We’d settled into our seats without incident.  I sat in-between Trace and Justin, Elisha on the other side of Trace.  Eric had sat in the seat behind Justin, and Tiny sat on the aisle; creating a muscular wall of security around him.  Just as the lights began to dim, I managed to look up at Justin again, and he smiled down at me.  Part of me was relieved, but I still felt horrible about making him worry like I had.  Before I could look down at my lap and continue to sulk though, he gave my hand a gentle rub and leaned down towards me.  “Hey.”

“Hey,” I’d whispered.

“I was worried,” he’d nodded.  “But I wasn‘t angry, and it‘s over and done with now.  Don’t worry, okay?”

I looked away from him.  Although I knew he probably meant what he said, I still wasn’t convinced of anything . I was afraid the show would end, we would go to Hammerstein and he would scream at me…tell me he didn’t love me anymore.  He would compare me to Britney, tell me how great she was and how he wished he realized how stupid and foolish I was from the beginning.  “Okay,” was my response, but it didn’t sound very positive. 

“You’re not even looking at me,” he’d whispered.  “Kerri, you gotta understand that I’m not all there.  If you disappear without telling me where you‘re going, I’m going to assume something’s wrong.  Come on, how naïve are you?”

I’d looked at him, my eyes glossed over, my face red and burning with the struggle of holding back my tears.  “I just…”

“Just forget it,” he grumbled.  “I can’t do this with you right now.”  He yanked his hand out of mine and crossed his arms stubbornly.  “There’s about a million things on my mind.”

“Justin…”

“Just talk to me later,” he said, giving me a wave of his hand.

The show went on of course, and even though he usually annoys the hell out of me, I was thankful for Chris Rock’s little presentation.  It made both Justin and Trace lighten up, laugh heartily, and comment back and forth to each other about the various jokes he made.  They were getting to act like friends for once that night, and it put my mind at ease a little…but not totally.  Justin hardly looked my way for the first half hour of the show.  Not even when Britney and Madonna made out on stage.  I’d looked at him of course, not having any idea how he was reacting to such a stupid performance.  To my surprise, his expression was blank…he seemed bored with the whole thing really.  But his mood was probably due to the fact that the camera man was stationed right by our row, ready to catch any sort of weird comment or face he might have made due to the whole thing.  Stupid.  It was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen.

“That was classic,” Trace had said to me during a commercial break.  “She does this sh'it for attention.”

I’d looked at my best friend, half terrified that he was going to degrade me next.  “I guess the night wasn’t awkward enough,” I’d whispered, cracking a half smile.

But he didn’t get angry, and he didn’t’ lash out at me like I thought he would.  He’d only laughed and patted me on the shoulder a little.  “VMA night is never awkward enough, Ker,” he smiled, before putting an arm around Elisha.  They started to converse quietly, and I didn’t care enough about their conversation to try and eavesdrop.  I was only thankful that he’d lightened up about our little argument outside of the hotel…even though I was sure that our troubles were far from over.

Justin performed, and I really wanted to be backstage with him before he went on, just to reassure him that he was going to be great…but I wasn’t allowed to go backstage with Trace and Elisha.  Tiny told me I was to stay in my seat with Eric, and ‘not get into any trouble’.  I couldn’t believe it…I wasn’t a child, but Justin didn’t protest.  I thought that maybe it had something to do with him being mad at me, but then again…I knew it would take a lot more than an argument for Justin to leave me at my seat like that.  I’d looked up to him for an answer before Tiny escorted him away too, but he’d only sighed and said: “It’ll be safer if you stay here with Eric.”

Safer.

I began to wonder what was going to happen once the tour started.  How would I be safe then…running around, doing errands for him?  It didn’t make sense.  It was fu'cking ridiculous.  “What are you talking about?,” I’d whispered.  “Justin…”

“Kerri.” He’d shot me a worried gaze.  “Please, okay?”

I hadn’t responded.  I was officially fed up with the evening, even if it was supposed to be Justin’s evening.  Even if everything was supposed to go his way.  I was being treated like a little girl, like he had total control over me, and my emotions.  Christ, could I even breathe without his permission?

Trace lingered behind, as Tiny escorted Justin away.  I didn’t feel like dealing with anybody then….I was infuriated.  But of course, Trace made me listen, like he always does.  “Don’t sit here and brood,” he warned me, referring to the camera man that was doing laps up and down our aisle.  “They know who you are, and if you’re all pissed off they’ll make everybody assume that Justin did something to you.”

“Let them,” I’d grunted, looking down at my lap.  “I’m not in the mood to defend his ass right now, okay?”

“Look, I know,” he agreed.  “I knew this night was going to be bad the minute you and I started fighting.  And Ker…I never meant for things to get out of hand like they did.  Come on, just calm down and once this is all over you and I will talk @#%$ out.  Just…you know, hold your head up and be positive.  I’ll talk to him about this…and he’ll realize.  It’s just that you went to the bathroom and he didn’t know…”

“So now I need to check in with somebody every time I need to pee?” I’d crossed my arms stubbornly and glared at him.  “Trace…god, I…I can’t do this!”

“Shh,” he’d warned, as my voice had been a bit too loud and the people in the aisle across from us were starting to notice.  “We can’t do this here.  Just know that I’m going to talk to him, and set it straight for you, okay?”

I didn’t understand Trace’s change of attitude toward me.  He’d been so angry with me at the beginning of the night, and hell, I’d said a lot of bad sh'it to him.  But in that moment, none of it seemed to matter.  I guess it’s why he’s my best friend, I guess it’s why I know I can always depend on him if something goes wrong.  As much as I say he‘s changed, that he‘s not the same guy I used to know…he‘s still my friend, and he‘ll always be.  “You shouldn’t care.  You should let me be miserable,” I’d muttered miserably.

He kissed my cheek.  “But I do.  And I don’t want you to be.”

I watched him go, feeling a little bit better about the way things were going to go between Trace and I, but still worried about what was going to happen when I saw Justin again.  I knew all too well that with my stubbornness, and his short temper we could very well end up having a blow out.  It was the last thing I wanted to happen of course, but I didn’t’ know how I would prevent it, unless Trace made Justin realize how stupid he was acting.

By the time the show was over, Justin had performed once and received two awards for his solo effort.  I was proud of him, of course.  During his first acceptance speech, he seemed slightly refreshed, as if winning awards was something he’d been missing.  He thanked a lot of people, especially ‘the people that had been putting up with him lately’.  I’d looked over at Trace then, and he’d winked and given me a little nudge.  I knew that he’d been true to his words and talked to Justin, and I forced myself to believe that everything was going to be okay. That Justin wasn’t going to turn into an paranoid psycho, and try to control me.  He’d just been nervous, and scared.  I walked off, he didn’t know where I was, and it made his emotions get the best of him.  Justin was going to calm down, and I was positive things would turn right back around again.  We would be happy…in love, just like we’d been since the night we first made love.

“You have fifteen minutes, Justin,” she chuckles.  “Use them well.”

“Thanks, Cindy.“ I hear the door close.  “Kerri, there‘s a huge crowd,” he whimpers.  “Right in front of the stage, you know? And like, it’s a club…so there‘s only a little gap between the stage and me.  I mean, I‘m not saying I don’t want to go out there…but…I don‘t know if I can.”

I look up from the paperwork I‘ve been reviewing for Justin.  He’s standing there, his back leaning against the door, his eyes closed, his face drained of color.  He’s terrified of going out there…and of course I know why.  “Justin, you just performed in front of forty million people,” I chuckle a little and look back to my reading.  “I think you can do it for another two hundred.  There’s about twenty security guys on staff tonight…nobody is going to rush the stage or anything.” 

“You’re awfully calm,” he mutters.

I sigh, and push the papers away.  “Well what do you want me to do? Panic? Cry?  Tell you I don’t think you can go on? Justin, I’m supposed to be encouraging you….”  I hesitate for a moment, but I have no idea why.  “I want to encourage you.”

His eyes snap open, and he pushes himself away from the door.  He crosses the room and leans over the table that I’m seated at.  He drums his fingers on the tabletop for several moments, before allowing the horrible feeling he’s been keeping locked inside of him to spread across his face.  I’ve seen that look many times before…that terrified look, and I don’t know what to do.  It makes me cringe to see him this way.  It reminds me of too much…and I hate that.  “But what if something…”

“You‘ve been afraid something is going to go wrong since we got out of the limo since at Radio City,” I interrupt, trying not to let my nerves get the best of me right now.  “God, I mean, I went to the bathroom and you nearly lost your mind.  I thought you were getting better, Justin.  I thought you were trying to move on.”  Okay, so I’m probably one to talk about moving on, since I’ve barely even begun to make an attempt at it myself.  But Justin, he’s been through all the motions.  He went there, he talked about everything, and he got help.  Madison certainly didn’t have a problem telling his people he was okay to go on the road…so I mean, what the hell? Why is he still so jumpy and nervous? I mean, okay that’s a stupid question. Of course I know he’ll never be totally ‘there’.  But I know he’s a hell of a lot more sane than I am right now, and he’s not acting like it at all.

“I…” he starts, but pauses and sighs . He looks into my eyes, and I can see the frightened look on his face intensify.  I should understand, and I do…but I guess I expected him to be a little stronger than this, that’s all. Suddenly I feel like a dope.  Why should he be stronger? It’s not like its been all that long…just a couple of months.  Why should he have to do a complete turn around in such a short amount of time? What makes him different than me? If anything, he was put through more sh'it than me…and he should still be a quivering, cowering mess.  Maybe he still is, but since there is no other choice tonight but to be on top of his game…he has to keep all of his feelings inside.  Well…except right now, when he’s alone with me.  He’s venting, I realize.  It’s the only time he has to vent tonight. 

Then why the hell do I wish he would save it for tomorrow?

“Justin, look…it’s been a long night---”

“I didn’t mean to get all weird at the music hall,” he tells me quickly.  He rises from his bent position, and begins to pace the room.  It makes me nervous, but of course I don’t say anything to him about it; pacing calms Justin’s nerves, it always has, from the time we were small. “…it’s just that, one minute you were there at my side, and then I turned around and you were gone.  I asked Eric where you were, and he didn’t have a fu'ckin' clue.” He chuckles sadly, and stops pacing so he can look me in the eye.  “It scared the hell out of me Ker…I mean, for all I knew somebody could…”

“I know,” I interrupt him before he can fill my head with horrible visions and memories.  “I know and I’m sorry,” I whisper, and get out of my chair so I can stand before him.  “There were just a lot of people around and I started to get…you know, uncomfortable.” I shudder , the feeling of tight spaces and being short of breath coming back to me a little.  “Like I couldn‘t breathe.”

An intense expression of concern spreads across his face, and his arms immediately go around my waist, pulling me closer to him.  “Why didn’t’ you tell me?,” he whispers, running a few fingers lightly down my cheek.  “I would have taken you somewhere so you could calm down.”

I shake my head roughly, and while I really don’t want to tell him the reason I did what I did…I can’t bring myself to lie to him, no matter how bad it will make him feel.  “I didn’t’ want to take you away from your friends,” I whisper. “You were so happy, Justin . The happiest I’ve seen you…in a long time.  Like, you were alive again…almost like before.”  I bite my lip and tear my gaze from his.  “I just figured I would be quick, and you wouldn’t even know I was gone.”

“But I did know.” His voice cracks with every word, and I can already see the tears forming in his eyes.  “I knew, and god…I was scared okay?”

I hug him, because I don’t know what else to do.  Saying I’m sorry will only make him dwell on what could have happened if something went wrong…if some kind of psycho was looming around.  “You can’t just go on like this,” I whisper finally.  “You can’t think that something is going to go wrong every day, every time you turn a corner or walk down a street.  It’s not healthy Justin…it’s going to drive you out of your skull.”  Saying this probably won’t put his mind at ease either, but I’m hoping it will knock some sense into him before he has to go on stage.  He has to be focused, for his fans.  The crowd at Radio City might have been prepared for a mental breakdown from Justin.  They know how it is to be at your peak and come crashing down.  But this crowd is packed with fans and random onlookers.  They’re looking for Justin Timberlake the star, not Justin Timberlake the mess.  And for him to mess up this performance, could cost him his comeback…as much as it kills me to admit that to myself.

“Kerri.” He pulls back from me slightly and shakes his head.  “How can you expect me not to be scared,” he whispers.  “You know how it is okay? You were there, and you saw what can happen if you’re not careful.  God, I mean, if I’d just been more careful in the beginning…”

I force myself to kiss him then.  I can’t stand to listen to him blame himself and sh'it.  It’s ridiculous.  We’ve started something here…we’ve started a relationship.  We love each other, and right now…he’s not even thinking about that.  He’s not thinking about how great it is to have somebody in his life that loves them with their whole heart, and refuses to judge him or think badly of him because of what happened.  All he can think about is how scared he is…that something could happen to one of us at any given moment.  And the only thing I can think to do is kiss him, because lately it’s seemed to make him feel better..

But when he jerks away from me a moment later, I know that my kisses aren’t going to cut it tonight.

“Stop,” he whines,  “You think I’m in the mood for this now?”

I’m appalled.  “I…”

“Do you even get it?” He runs a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck, shaking his head at me in disappointment.  

I hold my arms out at my sides, completely fed up with the way things have been going.  Completely fed up with how I fu'cked up, and how he‘s fu'cked up because of it.  I just want everything to freeze frame, so I can step outside myself and reposition us…fix us.  But that‘s unimaginable.  “Get what!,” I yell.  “Get what Justin? That you’re turning into a paranoid controlling ba'stard? Oh yeah, I get that really well.”  I cross my arms, and turn around.  I wont let him see me cry right now, and when I feel the tears start to dribble down my face I quickly wipe them away.  [i]Strong Kerri[/i], I force myself to think.  [i]Stay strong for him.[/i]

“Kerrigan.”

His hands are on my shoulders in a flash, rubbing them soothingly.  I don’t turn around.  I know I’m still crying and I know I can’t stop right now.  “I’m fine.”  I walk forward a little, but he doesn’t’ let go of me.  A moment later I feel his hot breath in my ear, and his lips land lightly on my neck.  I’m confused.  He didn’t want me kissing him, but yet he’s kissing me now.  I don’t dare ask questions.  I’ll only end up confusing us more. “Look, Justin. I’m just…”

“I don’t want to lose you,“ he interrupts, his voice trembling.  His hands slide from my shoulders down to my waist, and he tugs me close to his strong, muscular form, before gently turning me around to face him.  “I lost you once.“  A few tears glide freely down his face, and he sniffles but doesn’t bother to wipe them away.  “And tonight, when you disappeared like that, I thought I lost you again.  I didn‘t know what to do you know?  You were gone and there was nothing I could do, like when--” His voice trails off just then.  I know what he’s hinting at and I’m glad that he can’t finish his sentence.  He leans his head on my shoulder, and then that’s when the sobs come; long and hard.  He can’t stop. 

“I can’t lose you,” he manages to whimper.  “I can’t lose you again.”

It’s okay that he’s crying.  His fragile psyche can only take so much stress on a daily basis, and this is his way of relieving himself of that stress.  I guess I knew that tonight was going to be overwhelming from the start, and that eventually it was going to take his toll on him.  I was only hoping that it wouldn’t happen just before he had to go onstage. “Justin, I‘m not going anywhere,” I try and reassure him.  It’s important that I’m supportive right now, and I know that.  I wish I could go back in time…back to earlier in the evening.  I’d make myself calm down, breathe…so I wouldn’t have to run off to the bathroom and scare the crap out of my boyfriend.  God, if I hadn’t been stupid and done that, he’d probably be okay right now.  I knew it.  I knew I would ruin the night. 

[i]Good job, Kerri[/i], Nathan grunts.

Yeah, great fu'cking job Kerri.

“I’m so sorry,” I hear myself say.  Really, I need to stop, because I’m going to end up crying too.  How is that being supportive? How is that going to help him through these precious minutes we have together before he has to go out there? It’s not…it’s really not.  But I can’t help myself.  I cry into him.  “I love you,” I say pathetically.  “I didn’t mean to.”

“Baby…shh.”  His voice is soft, a little raspy, but I can tell he’s not crying anymore.  He starts to rock me in his arms, and I feel him press his lips to my forehead a moment later.  “It‘s okay,” he tells me.  “We‘re okay.  I love you too, Ker.”

And we hold each other.  It’s the only thing that seems to be helping…just standing here, touching…kissing.  I stop crying after awhile, and just lean into him.  It feels good to be in his arms.  I feel the stress and anxiety of the night leave me.  I just want things to stay exactly the way they are right now.  I want time to stop.  I want…

There’s a knock at Justin’s door, and I hear it creak open slowly. “Hey.” Trace’s voice echo’s into the room, but I don’t want to look up at him.  Looking up at him will bring me back to reality of what is.  Justin will have to stop holding me…and I’ll have to remember everything all over again.  So, I bury my face in his chest like a loser, and pray that everything just melts away.  That when I open my eyes again, it will only be Justin and I.

“You okay?” I hear Trace’s voice again, and I know that nothing is going to change.  The night has to go on, time has to pass.  Justin has to face his life and I have to face mine. 

“We’re okay,” Justin whispers, and pulls back from me slightly, not without planting a soft kiss on my lips first.  “Is it time?”

Trace nods slowly.  “Yeah, Tiny’s waiting to take you downstairs,” he whispers, shooting me a concerned look.

“All right.”  He takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly.  “You’re gonna come watch right?” He asks me. “Right at the front…by the stage?”

I nod.  “I’ll be there,” I promise him.

He smiles slightly, and kisses me again.  “You think I’ll choke?”

I shake my head.  In a million years, I don’t think Justin could mess up a performance if he tried. The perfectionist in him would never allow him to.  And he loves his career too much to @#%$ it all up because of Shane.  “You’re going to be great.” I manage to smile, and feel good when it seems to bring him out of his gloom.

“Sing along,” he whispers.

“I will.”

He pulls completely away from me, a look of regret on his face as he does so.  He reaches the door, and Trace hugs him quickly before he ventures out into the hall way.  I see him walk past the door a moment later, Tiny close behind him, and I take a long breath in and out.  He’ll be fine.  Nervous yes, but fine.

“It’s almost over,” Trace speaks up a moment later, and steps inside the room.  He closes the door behind him, and I’m thankful.  I don’t want anybody to see me like this right now…a wreck.  I know I am.  I can feel the tears on my face still, and I know it’s going to take me a few more minutes to snap out of it completely. 

“Tonight sucked,” I tell him, miserably plopping down on the small loveseat.  I tuck a leg underneath my thigh, and rub my face with my hands.  “I fu'cked up, and Justin…you know, I have no idea how he’s getting on stage right now.” I look up again, and this time Trace is sitting next to me.  He’s doesn’t look annoyed, or angry at me, like he’s been for the past week.  I guess I can talk to him right now, and I’m more relieved than he’ll ever know.  “I couldn’t calm him down, Trace.  If anything, I made him more of a nervous wreck.”

He shakes his head.  “No you didn’t,” he chuckles.  “Ker, why do you always think so negative? I mean, he’d be nothing without you.” He bites his lip and takes my hand in his.  “So you got nervous…so we fought…so you…so you should have told him where you were going,” he nods.  “It doesn’t make you the worst person in the world.  You can’t be fu'ckin’ perfect Kerri,” he sighs and pulls back from me.  “Nobody can be.”

I know he has a point, but I can’t make myself believe his words.  I’m so damn hard on myself.  I just want to be good for Justin, and I guess good for Trace too.  I want to be the one that lingers in the background, helps out when she can.  I want to be the one without problems or stress.  The silent partner…even though I’m more of a victim than Trace is.  I guess I just don’t feel I need to be worried about…that my problems aren’t that bad, even though deep down I know that they are.  It’s why I drink, it’s why I don’t sleep enough.  And it’s horrible, but I don’t know what to do.  I can’t just…be selfish and expect everybody to cater to me.  I can’t do it.  I feel guilty.  And feeling guilty is worse than any other feeling in the world.  “I just want to be good for him,” I whisper, not quite meeting his gaze.  “I don’t want to let him down, and---” I let out a long, shaky breath.  “And I don’t want you to hate me, Trace.  I messed up with you…so bad.   When you told me….”

“No,” he interrupts.  “Come on, you know it’s not like that.  I know you don’t blame me, okay?” He smiles at me a little bit, but I don’t smile back.  “I know it was hard and confusing for you at first, because you were figuring your whole thing with Justin out still.  And tonight…things were chaotic because he got sick--” His voice trails off and he stares at me.  “I didn’t mean to call you a sl'ut,” he continues.  “You love him, and I know that.  I just didn’t expect him to…move so fast.  It worries me Kerri.  I don’t want him to lose it and hurt you, like the last time.”

“I don’t think he could hurt me,” I tell him.  Really, I don’t think he could.  Not now.  Not after all of this…not when we’re so in love.  I know the fact that Justin and I did the ultimate is freaking Trace out, just because of the rape any everything.  But, even though Trace is his best friend…he can’t understand.  He still wasn’t there with us, he doesn’t know what happened after…how I had to sit in that dirty house with him and let him cry, and try not to cry myself…even though I ended up hysterical anyway.  I think Justin might have loved me then too, in some weird crazy way.  Hell, in some weird crazy way, we’ve always been in love.  I know that.  “I’m being careful,” I nod.  “But we’re ready, Trace.  I’m sorry it freaks you out and everything, and I know you didn’t’ mean to call me names, just like I didn’t mean to blame you.”

He sits back and sighs, before removing his baseball cap and running a hand through his dark brown mess of curls.  “Let’s just let it go, before we confuse the crap out of each other even more,” he chuckles.  “Deal?”

I bite my lip, unsure of the whole situation.  If I’m even going to be allowed to confide in him after tonight…after he goes back home to sort out his own life.  “Am I still allowed to talk to you,” I whisper.

He looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am.  “What the hell kind of question is that?” He shakes his head.  “Ker, you’re my best friend.  Of course you can.  I might be going home and sh'it but, I’m going to call, and I want to know how you’re doing.”  He sits up again, and touches my face, before running a hand through my hair.  “Despite what you may think, I do care,” he frowns.  “I need you as much as you need me.”

“What if I screw up while you’re gone,” I ask him.  “What if I let everybody down, Trace? What if I can’t do the work?”

He sighs.  “Then I’ll cut my little hiatus short, Kerri.”  He rolls his eyes and pulls me into a hug.  “But that’s not going to happen, because you’re going to be great,” he reassures me, rubbing my back gently. 

“I don’t know…”

“Stop being negative,” he says, pulling back from me after a moment.  “It’s not good.”  He looks down and toys with his wrist watch.  “I really wish you’d get some help already.  You really don’t realize how much better you’d feel.”

This conversation is going in a direction that I don’t want it to go.  While I feel good that my friendship with Trace is still as strong as it’s always been, I’m not about to get into the subject of psychiatrists and getting help and all that.  I’m not…I’m not ready to discuss all of it with some strange person.  I don’t want to be judged.  I don’t want them to tell me that I could have done something about this…that I could have done something to Shane before he tied me up, so Justin would have been okay.  I couldn’t take it.  It’s nobodies business…my problems. 

“We should get out there,” I tell him, forcing back my tears and looking directly into his eyes.  “Justin wants us to watch, and there’s an open bar.”  I get up from the loveseat, my mouth beginning to water at the though of a shot and a beer.  But I’m not surprised when I feel Trace tug on my hand after a moment.  “Trace?”

“Do me a favor and don’t drink tonight,”  he whispers.  “I know I’m bad for saying that . I had like, four drinks at the awards,” he laughs a little, but lets his serious expression take back over quickly.  “But I know my limits Ker.”

“I need it tonight,” I tell him, pulling my hand roughly from his.  “And God, I know my limits too okay?“  Oh yeah, I know my limits.  I have no limit.  Getting drunk to the point where I pass out…that’s my limit.  But I don’t say any of this to him.  I just want him to leave me alone about it, let me do my thing.  Tonight is about partying anyway…even if Justin can’t.  That’s probably selfish too…but I’m too confused and stressed to give a damn right now.  “Just let me do what I need to do, okay Trace?”

He frowns.  “I’m staying with you.”

“Fine.” I force a smile.  “We’ll drink from the bottle together.”

He rolls his eyes.  “How about we just…”

The door swings open.  I gasp, not having expected it, but I relax when I see Eric standing there.  “Hi,” I whisper.

“You two comin?,” he says impatiently.  “They’re about to announce him.”

I nod, and glance back at Trace quickly before making my way out the door.  He doesn’t smile at me, and I’m not surprised.  But really, it doesn’t’ matter.  All that matters is getting that first drink in me.  Then I’ll feel better…

Or at least I’ll start to.

Coming Out