“I’ll just have a glass or two,” I’d told myself. “Nobody will ever know.”

Yesterday was a cooling off period for Justin and I. After what happened that previous day, I know we needed it. We didn’t’ talk or try to solve our problems. I got up, did his thing with him in the bathroom, made him some breakfast, and then we went our separate ways. He sulked in the backyard with that notebook of his all day, and I busied myself by watching a bunch of DVD’s, until it was time for dinner. We ordered a pizza around six, and ate it in silence. He didn’t try to spark up a conversation, and I think the most I said to him was: ‘do you want some more?’. I guess it got to me a bit, because I’d never sat down at a table with Justin before without cracking a joke or listening to one of his many stories. It’s probably why I cried like a baby when I laid down in bed that night. And it’s also a big part of the reason why I didn’t sleep at all. Well…not that I ever sleep anyway.

Justin is biting his fingernails, and it’s weird because he always used to be so against the idea. He would clip them, file them…do anything but bit them. His ‘feminine side’, he’d deemed it one summer, wouldn’t allow him to have ’nasty bit up nails’. I guess I always thought it was the unique side of him coming out. I mean, no other guy I knew gave a damn about their nails and hair and body as much as Justin did. It wasn’t just hygiene to him, it was an obsession and even though some aspects of his obsession worried me at times, I’ll admit…I had fun doing girlie things with him. No other guy I knew actually enjoyed being pampered at a professional salon, and I had fun with it.

When we had time, we would go out for a ’selfish day’, as we called them. Days where money was no object, and nobody else in the world mattered but us. We would get manicured, pedicure, massaged, facialed…the works. Then, after having an extremely expensive lunch, we would go drop a ton of money at the stores and boutiques near bye. I felt selfish most of the time. I mean, it’s not like I had the money to pay for a lot of that stuff. As it was, my parents didn’t support me going on my little ’Justin excursions’, and would only give me money to cover the necessities. Time and time I again I would inform him my parents had given me spending money for the trip, but he would never listen to me. “Put your money away Kerri. You couldn’t afford a sock in here.“ Then he would grab me by the hand and lead me into Prada or wherever the hell it was. I would always tell him that I couldn’t pay him back, but he never acted like it mattered. He seemed happy to entertain me when I had the chance to spend some time with him, because other than the summer months, and the few times NSYNC would make a stop in Tennessee, I was lucky if I saw him at all.

I guess seeing me was like a breath of fresh air for him. I’m sure spending most of his time with high profile celebrities, and other people in the entertainment business clouded his mind, and made him feel better than the rest of us. Trace would tell me stories sometimes, about how Justin could sometimes forget how to handle himself in public. That at times he could be a little too self absorbed, and talk down to people. But I never held it against him. He got so famous at such a young age, that for awhile I don’t think he knew how to act. I guess you can’t know though…not at that age. When I came around though, I brought him down, back to earth, back to the boy from Tennessee, and we just had fun. We were just kids again, just friends. Like, friends that had suddenly won the lottery and were having the time of their lives.

It was good for me too. I never told him when I saw him, but my home life wasn’t the best. My parents were too caught up in their own troubles to pay enough attention to me, and I had a hard time making friends in school because of it. I didn’t trust people, because everybody I’d ever known or cared about had left me behind. My parents had left me behind by focusing on their own problems, and Justin and Trace had left me behind to get rich and famous. I was afraid to let anybody else in, because I didn’t feel I could handle being screwed over by somebody else. So…I didn’t have any friends, and it hurt me, a lot. In fact, nobody knows just how much it hurt me.

But, I didn’t want to bring my problems with me when I saw him. I wanted to be happy, carefree…and just have fun like the other girls my age did. Justin helped me to be that way. He was the only one that seemed to care about me like, genuinely, and when we were together nobody could bring me down. I felt powerful, like I was somebody. And I guess it was because Justin was so…big. People stared at me, wanted to be like me, and I loved it. When I was back home, the other girls didn’t want anything to do with me, and the guys didn’t even notice me. I admit, all the attention went to my head a little, and Trace would always be the one to point it out. But I didn’t care. Being around Justin’s crowd was the only time I could let loose and have pride in myself.

The day I would arrive, we would spend hours talking. And…I would try not to get into what was going on at home, but at times he sort of forced it out of me. In the end I would end up breaking down and telling him about my parents, but I would never get into school and the fact that I didn’t’ have any friends. I knew Justin wouldn’t’ be able to understand, and if anything…he would have blamed himself for leaving me behind. I didn’t want that. I was proud that he’d been able to accomplish so much, and I wanted him to know that. Justin could relate to my problems with my parents too, as his parents marriage had ended when he was young, and it was well known amongst those closer to him that his parents had continued to fight for years afterward. Lynn recognized Justin’s potential, and instead of treating it as a hobby she decided to see what he could make of himself. Randy hated that idea. His outlook on life, was that a child should just be a child and make something of themselves when they were older and more prepared.

It was lucky for Lynn that Justin’s outlook on the situation was the same as hers.

“Take the next exit.”

Justin isn’t biting his nails anymore. Instead, he’s staring out his window, seemingly trying to ignore the fact that I’m the one who‘s driving. I know what he wants to do. He wants to get to Madison’s office so he can tell her what a horrible person I am. I mean, granted I made a mistake the other day. Alright, a big mistake. But really, he’s acting like I killed somebody. I wish he could understand that I just needed a drink. That the morning took a toll on my nerves, and I was so tired and I just…I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep without having another nightmare. But I guess he can’t understand, because I haven’t’ gone into my sleeping problem with him, and I won’t.

The bad thing is, Justin doesn’t trust me now. When I help him in the bathroom, he won’t allow me to touch him or anything. He shows me his body because he has to; but after that, he stands at one end of the room while I stand at the other and watch him shave. I’ve tried to make pointless small talk with him, like this morning. But I realized all too soon that I was wasting my time.

“Do you really think I’m in the mood to talk?” he asked me earlier. “Why don’t you go steal something else?”

I didn’t say anything to him after that.

I thought about calling Trace yesterday while Justin was outside in the yard, because he hadn‘t called the entire day, and I knew that wasn‘t like him. I know I shouldn’t have cared so much. He’s on vacation, trying to have a good time…but I just needed to hear his voice I guess. I needed to talked to somebody that didn’t hate me and I figured talking to him would put my mind at ease before I had to face again. So I gave in and called his cell phone. But when Elisha picked up the phone instead of him, I knew I’d made a mistake.

“Hey Elisha.” I’d forced a pleasant tone.

“Hi,” she’d grunted. “Is Justin okay?”

“Well yeah. I just wanted to talk to Trace real quick.”

“You’re sure he’s fine?” she’d repeated.

“Yeah, I just…”

“Trace is busy, Kerri,” she’d interrupted. “You need to understand that he’s on vacation, with me and he doesn’t have time to talk about your petty little problems, okay?”

I couldn’t believe how cold she was acting towards me. I mean, I know we haven’t talked or anything; but I figured Elisha was mature enough to put our bickering behind her and try to get along with me. But apparently I was wrong. “Sorry I bothered you,” I’d mumbled, before hanging up on her. Naturally, I became depressed and I started to cry…again. Then that passed, and of course I wanted another drink. This is getting out of hand. Back in New York, I could handle it. It was there when I needed it, and I never had to go without it. I never knew what it was like not to be able to have it within my reach, but now I do. And…it’s horrible. Everyday I get this ache, deep down inside of me. It’s my body’s way of telling me how badly it needs the alcohol, and it’s exactly how I felt when I went looking for some around the house.

I scared myself. For awhile, I think I was losing my mind. I was tearing through rooms and closets like I’d lost something precious to me. I was frantic at points. Sweating and crying…begging God to help me find something to cure my craving. It was no wonder that when I burst into Trace’s room and saw the wine, I didn’t’ bother to look at the bottle before I ran into the kitchen and yanked the cork out of the top. I didn’t care. It was there…finally. My drink was there, and I put the bottle to my lips and just drank…and drank…

And drank.

I don’t remember going outside, and I don’t remember falling asleep. All I remember is Justin shaking me and screaming at me to wake up, and when I did, I still didn’t realize where I was or what I’d done to myself. I feel like a fool now, a big one. Trace trusted me to be responsible, and watch out for Justin. He trusted me so much, that he got it into Justin’s head that he could trust me too. And…I just…I just fucking broke that trust like it didn’t’ even matter.

I don’t’ even know how the hell I’m going to be able to tell Trace about this. That is, if Justin hasn’t done it already. But I doubt he said anything, because if he had…Trace would be here right now, bitching my ass out for being so irresponsible. I guess I should be thankful to Justin, but I’m just too aggravated with him right now to feel anything positive towards him. I’m glad that he has an appointment with Madison today. It will give me some time away from him. Yeah, maybe it’s only an hour or so…but at least it’s something. It will give me a chance to clear my head, and think about what I need to say to him today. Maybe I can even find a liquor store around someplace…yeah, a drink would feel good right now.

Jesus. I…there is something wrong with me, isn’t there?

We ride in silence until we reach the clinic, and when I pull into the visitors parking lot I’m reminded of so much. Like, the first time I came to visit Justin in this place; and how cold he was toward me. Or, how nervous and edgy Trace was that day. I’m reminded of the day I was woken up before the sun rose, and how Trace raced up here with me. I was so confused that day, and then…Madison told me the truth about Justin, and I wished like hell that I could still be in the dark about everything. Then I remember the good things. Like how Justin confided in me, and how he held me. I felt so safe and protected then…in his arms.

I wish things could be that way again. Just for a moment. Just so I could try to ease my own pain. But maybe that’s selfish. Yeah, I’m sure it is.

Justin unbuckles himself, and starts to open the door, but I don’t say anything to him. I don’t know if he wants me to go in there with him and frankly, I don’t really care right now. The only thing I’m trying to do is prevent myself from crying in front of him. When he leaves…when he leaves I can cry for awhile.

“Ker.”

I look towards the open doorway. Justin is leaning down, looking back into the car. He looks a little tired, but not angry. Instead, he looks nervous and confused. I guess it’s probably hard for him…coming back to this place every week. Especially because of what his roommate tried to do to him. “Yeah?”

‘Would you uh…could you go in with me?” He doesn’t look at me as he asks me the question, and I really can’t blame him after how we‘ve been acting to each other.

“You want me to go with you?” I ask him stupidly.

He nods slightly, and then meets my gaze again. “They might…I mean, somebody…somebody might try to take me if they see me walking around by myself.”

“Oh…” I feel horrible for him. I might not be able to do a lot of things. Like sleep, and control my liquor cravings, but I can go out and do things by myself. In the beginning, when I first got back to New York I was scared to leave the apartment, but Siobhan got me out of that mode quick. Thanks to her, I have my independence, and at the moment…I’ve never been more thankful. “Yeah, of course I will.” I don’t smile, but I manage a positive nod before I get out of the car. We walk through the parking lot together, and I notice that Justin keeps look over his shoulder every few seconds. I want to tell him that everything is okay, but I know it won’t help him. He’s convinced everybody is out to get him, Trace even told me that. The only thing I can do for him right now, is stick by his side and get him into the building safely.

The clinic is just as I remember it. Gray walls, gray floors--funky smells. Justin is right next to me, clenching his fists, and looking around as if something or someone is about to jump out and attack him. I wonder…is he always like this when he comes to see Madison? Or is it just because of this week and because I’m here instead of Trace? Hell, I don’t know, and I’m sure Justin isn’t in the mood to be interrogated by me right now. So I just walk with him in silence, and I’m never more thankful when we reach the visitors center. I’m surprised to find Madison sitting in the waiting area, conversing with a young girl dressed in green smock clothes…a patient. It’s sort of weird. I didn’t think Madison ever sat around outside her office and talked to people. But, I guess it was the image I’d created of her, that made me think that way. After seeing how attached Justin is to her, I know she has to be really laid back. Justin hates serious people…he always has.

“Madison.” Justin speaks up immediately.

Madison glances at us quickly, and holds up a finger; signaling us to wait for a moment. She continues to speak with the girl seated beside her. I look closer, and I can see that the girl has been crying. Her face is tearstained, and her eyes are all swollen. I don’t even want to think about why she’s crying though…because she’s in this place. And if you’re in this place, and you’re crying well…I mean, I know what Justin went through. You cant get much worse than that.

It takes a few minutes, too long in my opinion…but eventually Madison gives the girl a reassuring pat on the hand and sends her on her way. The girl gets up cautiously, and looks at us like we’re going to kill her or something. I know that look. I see it in Justin’s eyes a lot, and I hate it. I cringe slightly as she skulks past me. It’s almost like I’m afraid that I’m going to catch whatever is plaguing her, but that’s crazy.

“Justin, good, you’re right on time,” Madison speaks cheerfully, and makes her way over to us. “How are you today?”

But Justin just shrugs and looks at the floor.

Then Madison looks at me. “Is everything okay, Kerri?” I know what she thinks. She thinks I did something wrong, and that I hurt Justin. Well you know what, it’s really none of her business. What I do is what I do and if Justin has any decency at all…

“It’s fine, Mad,” he replies sheepishly. “It’s been weird without Trace…for the both of us. That’s all.”

Oh.

“Well come on,” Madison tears her worried gaze from me, and gives Justin a reassuring rub on the shoulder. “Let’s go talk about it okay?”

He nods a little, and starts to follow Madison into her office. I think he’s forgotten all about me, and I start to feel stupid and unimportant. But then he stops and turns back to me. “Ker…you’ll be here when I’m done right?”

And he says it with such worry in his voice, that I find I can’t be annoyed with him…not even a little bit. “Yeah,” I reply finally. “I might run to the store for a snack, but I’ll be right here when you’re done.” Yeah, more like I’m going to run to the store for a forty…but he doesn’t need to know that.

“Okay.” He actually smiles a little bit, but I still don’t know what to think. There’s no way his anger towards me has subsided already. I guess he just feels so secure when Madison’s around, that he’s able to forget a lot of the crap that’s been bothering him. I know it won’t last though. I’m sure when we get back in the car later…everything I did yesterday will come rushing back to him, and he’ll start acting like he hates me again.

He disappears into Madison’s office, and the door closes behind him, shrouding them in privacy. I’m alone now. Free to roam the halls, or go outside and walk around…or even take a drive. But I find that I don’t want to do any of that. Now that I’m finally sitting down, without Justin around to remind me of what a failure I am…I start to realize how tired I am. I didn’t sleep last night, of course. But I didn’t think it would matter because I’d passed out in the middle of the day. I was wrong though. I’m still as tired as I normally am, maybe even more so. I think it’s the stress of fighting with Justin taking it’s toll on me. But I wish I wasn’t tired. I wish I was awake, lively, so I can hold my head high and focus on Justin’s problems. But as I sit back in the chair, I feel my eyes begin to droop, and all I can think about is how good it would feel to sleep for just and hour or so. Just so I could feel a little like myself again.

I gasp, and sit up straight in the chair. I’m awake, wide awake now. I won’t allow myself to doze off into the horrors of the past. I can’t. Not here. They’ll put me in a straightjacket or something. I lean forward, and pick through the pile of old magazines laid out on the coffee table. They all suck. Psychology Today? Better Homes and Gardens? Parent’s Magazine? What the hell is this? Do they think that everybody sitting in this waiting room is a middle aged adult? With a sigh I sit back in the chair again, and prop my head up with my fist. Come on time, I demand. Hurry up so I can get the hell out of here.

Another fifteen minutes of sheer bordem pass, and I’m never more thankful when I hear my phone start to play it’s little tune. I don’t even care who it is. Even if it’s my father or mother, I think I’d rather fight with them on the phone than sit here and risk thinking about Shane and Nathan, as crazy as that is. I flip open my phone. “Hello?”

“Hey girl,” I hear Trace say.

My heart skips a beat. Okay, maybe I’d rather to talk anybody else besides him right now. The wine…I stole his wine. I shake my head roughly. No, I can’t think about it right now…Trace can’t know about that. “Hey,” I say finally. “What’s up. You didn‘t call yesterday, what‘s going on?”

“Eh, nothing. Sorry Ker, I was just caught up,” he says quickly. “How are things?”

“Uh, no different than the other day,” I tell him. This time I’m not lying though. I’m just as miserable today as I‘ve been for the past two days. “Really though, you don’t need to be on the phone with me. Elisha will probably think you’re…”

“Elisha isn’t important right now,” he snaps.

And I know something is wrong.

“Trace?”

“I’m just…I feel better if I check in with y’all, that’s all,” he says in a calmer tone. “Where’s Justin?”

“He’s in with Madison right now,” I tell him.

“Oh.”

An uncomfortable silence follows. I don’t know what’s going on inside his head right now. Did he find out that Elisha wouldn’t let me talk to him this morning? Have they been fighting again? God, I hope not. This is their chance to reconnect as a couple, and if they spend the whole time fighting well…things aren’t going to work out very well when they come back. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask him finally. “You sound angry or something.”

He sighs heavily into the phone. “I’m just worried about you guys and stuff.”

But I know there’s more to this. “What about you and Elisha?”

He’s silent for another moment. “What about us?”

I roll my eyes. “Come on Trace.”

“I…I don’t know Kerri,” he says sadly. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. When we first got here it was really good. We did everything we planned on doing, but the minute I wanted to call and check in she got all pissed off. I don’t know what the hell her problem is, Ker. It’s like…she just wants me to cut the both of you off or something. And I can’t just…I can’t just do that. I mean, she cares about Justin. I know she does, but she doesn‘t understand how much he needs me right now. I guess, she‘s never understood our friendship though.”

I want to tell Trace to dump her ass and come home, but something inside of me is telling me to keep my mouth shut. For some strange reason, I feel like Elisha has a right to be acting this way. Now that I think about it, I guess I can say she’s scared. She loves Trace very much, but the kidnapping changed him…probably more than she wanted it to. She’s trying to get the old Trace back, but the thing she isn’t realizing, is that she can’t get him back. This whole thing has changed him forever, just like it changed Justin and I. She probably feels left out, like she can never understand, and while it’s not her fault…she still feels like it is. The end result? She clings to Trace like some kind of loyal dog, and tries not to let people like me take too much of his attention span up. “She doesn’t mean to be difficult,” I tell him, finally. “She loves you, and she’s afraid.”

“Afraid?” he chuckles. “She didn’t tell me you called before. I had to find out myself when I looked at my caller ID. Damn it, Kerri. Do you even know how much that kind of thing pisses me off? Something could have been wrong. Justin could have hurt himself and I wouldn’t have known a thing. That’s not fear, Kerri. That’s being selfish.”

“I told her everything was fine when she asked about it,” I tell him. “I’m sure if something happened, she would have put you on right away.”

But nothing I‘ve just told him seems to have an effect on his emotions. “It’s over Kerri.”

“Oh stop it.” I force a light laugh, hoping it will convince him that he’s being ridiculous. “You haven’t stopped talking about getting married since you proposed to her, Trace. You love her so…”

“But that’s the thing,” he interrupts me. “I don’t think I do anymore.”

“How can you be so sure?,” I grunt, and I have no idea why I’m defending the girl right now. I know she would never do it for me. “You’ve been with her for a long time, and sure I mean, this thing has changed us all. But you have to make it work Trace. I know you, and I know right now you’re just as confused about this as Justin and I are. But it doesn’t mean you don’t love your girlfriend, Trace. I know you love her.”

“Why can’t you just listen to me?” His voice cracks a little, and I quickly realize that Trace is more of an emotional wreck that I thought. I’m sure they’ve been fighting all day, and the whole not giving him the phone thing was probably the final straw. “I can’t even touch her anymore. We used to fall asleep in each others arms, Ker. Now…we’re lucky if we give each other a goodnight kiss. We don’t talk anymore, we don’t laugh together anymore. All we do is fight. Sure, yesterday was fun and for a little while it was like nothing was wrong. But then she started talking about the wedding and our future and shit. And the more she talked, the more I started to hate the whole idea. Kerri, I don’t want to marry her…hell, I don’t even want to be near her right now.”

This is horrible. Trace is in paradise, with who is supposed to be the love of his life, and he’s completely miserable. His relationship is falling apart as we speak, and when he comes home I doubt that Elisha will be with him. “What are you going to do,” I hear myself ask.

He lets out a sad laugh. “Nothing now. She’s already gone, Ker.”

My eyes widen, and I sit up a little. “What? But it’s only the third day into your…”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says. “I knew it would happen eventually. It was only a matter of time.”

“She left you?” My voice is full of shock.

“Well, it’s not official yet,” he tells me. “She’s still gotta give me the ring back. But yeah, she checked into another hotel and stuff, and she‘s getting a flight home the day after tomorrow. She says she wants some ‘space‘. But you know…I‘m done with her. I am.”

“Trace…” I shake my head in disbelief. “But things were going to work themselves out.”

“They were?” He sounds confused. “Have you heard us fighting every day, Kerri? Screaming at each other? I know Justin has, because he wouldn’t stop bugging me about it before we left.”

“I figured it was a phase,” I whisper.

“Screaming at the woman you’re about to marry isn’t a phase,” he informs me. “It’s a problem.”

I close my eyes, and squeeze the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger. “Trace, I don’t even know what to say. I’m just…I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah,” he whispers. “So am I.”

“Are you coming home?” I ask, figuring that he wouldn’t want to be down there, dealing with this all by himself.

“No,” he says quickly. “I want to stay here for the week and just…think, you know? I want to find out where my life stands, and I need to get my head sorted out before I have to come back and help out Justin again.”

“Trace,” I sigh. “You’re all alone down there. At least come home so you can talk to us.”

“And what? Make Justin more depressed?,” he laughs. “You know how he is, Kerri. He’ll blame himself for this.”

As much as I want to convince him otherwise, I know he’s right. Justin would blame himself, because he blames himself for everything that’s been effected by our misfortune. Like it’s his fault that they kidnapped us or something. “I…I know,” I admit. “But still, I hate to think of you sitting alone in your hotel and being all depressed.”

“It’s fine, Kerri,” he reassures me. “I think being alone for a few days will be good for me. I’ll call you every night okay? And we can talk, just you and me…I promise.”

I don’t like his plan. Not at all. But I know no amount of persuading on my part is going to make him change his mind. “If that’s what you need to do,” I tell him. “But I’m not going to tell you I’m happy about it, because I’m not.”

“Are you having a hard time with Justin?” he suddenly asks me. “Because if that’s the case I’ll get a flight out tonight.”

If I say yes, I won’t be lying to him. But then I’d have to tell him the truth about everything…about the wine…and about how I scared the bejesus out of Justin. Then he’d hate me, and I couldn’t deal with that right now. “No. Justin and I are fine,” I lie. “It’s you I’m worried about.”

“Well don’t worry about me,” he orders. “I’ll be fine, and I’ll be home on Sunday. Oh, and Kerri, I really don’t think you should tell Justin about this. I don’t want him to flip out or anything while I’m gone.”

Too late. “Don’t you think he has a right to know, Trace? I mean, he tells you everything about him.”

“I know that,“ he huffs. “But I think I need to be the one to talk to him about it okay? It’s just…I’d feel better if I did it that way.”

I still don‘t feel right about this. “But Trace…”

“Promise me, okay?”

He says it with such urgency and demand, that I know I can’t let him down. I already messed things up enough behind his back anyway, and so, if I can do something else for him then it will sort of make up for the wine. Even though he doesn’t know about it yet. “Okay,” I whisper. “I promise.”

“Thanks Kerri,” he sounds relived. Part of me still doesn’t understand what the big secret is, but I figure it’s as he said. He doesn’t want to make Justin worried or upset more than he is. “Now tell me, how are you?”

I knew he was going to ask me that eventually, and I realize that I’m going to have to lie to him yet again. I hate this. Trace doesn’t deserved to be lied to, not after everything he’s done for me. But what can I do? Tell the truth? I wish I could…I really do. “I’m doing okay.”

“Are you sleeping?”

I make myself tell him the truth about this, just because it doesn’t matter. Not sleeping, doesn’t mean that I’m drinking. It just means that I’m afraid. “Not really,” I mumble. “I try to but…I’m scared of the dark, Trace.” Scared of the dark. I shake my head. I’m so damn pathetic.

He’s silent, and I’m really starting to regret that I told him that. I should have just told him that I’m fine. Now he’s going to worry. Stupid. You’re so stupid, Kerri.

“You’re not sleeping?,” he finally says. “Kerri…I hope you realize that this isn’t a good thing. You need to be ablet to function around Justin…” his voice trails off for a moment, as if he’s just realized something. “Kerri what’s going on? Are you sure that everything is okay? You haven’t been drinking have you?”

I let out a small, nervous laugh. Why is he so smart? Why can’t I ever get anything past him? “Drinking?” I say, as if I’ve never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. “What the hell Trace? You got rid of everything in the house. There’s nothing for me to drink.”

“Kerri, the liquor store isn’t that far from the house. You drive…you can take the car,” he informs me.

“Right, and leave Justin in the house by himself,” I snap. “That really sounds like something I’d do. I can’t believe you. You really must have no faith in me at all.” I feel horrible yelling at him. I’m covering up my lies and I feel like this little manipulative weasel. If Trace ever finds out the truth now, he’ll never speak to me again.

“Kerri it’s not that I don’t have faith in you,” he sighs. “I do. I have a ton of faith in you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have left Justin in your care, all right? But, I just know what I saw in New York, and I worry about it. You have a problem, Ker.”

“I don’t have a problem,” I mutter. “You just want to believe that I do.”

“I know what I saw,” he reminds me. “Why are you so angry? You told me you haven’t been drinking, so that’s a good thing. Maybe you’ve kicked this, and if that’s the case then I’m proud of you.”

I wish I could kick this. I wish I could simply close my eyes at night and sleep, and sleep…and sleep some more, without Shane and Nathan interrupting me. But I can’t, and it’s something I’ve come to accept on a daily basis. Alcohol is no longer just something I do to forget about my problems. It…it really is an addiction. It’s like some sort of elixer that keeps me alive, and without it I’m nothing but a failure. Just like I was yesterday. Just like I’ve been everyday without it. I cover my face with one of my hands, and sob a little, totally forgetting that the phone is still to my ear and Trace is on the other end of the line.

“Kerri,” he whispers. “Are you crying?”

“No.” But it comes out as a sob instead of a statement. I sit up quickly, and force my tears back. “I…I gotta go,” I say quickly. “Sorry.”

“Kerrigan you better not hang up that phone,” he warns me. “What the hell is wrong? You said everything is fine, and obviously that was a lie.”

“I’m…I’m not a liar,” I say, my voice cracking with each word. “I’m just so…I’m tired,” I tell him.

“That’s it,” he groans. “I’m coming home.”

I gasp. I know that if he comes home, Justin will never forgive me. He’ll blame me, degrade me to my face…and then he’ll tell Trace what I did. “Trace, no. Just stay down there like you want to okay? Justin…Justin will be upset if you come home.”

“I really don’t’ fucking care,” he yells. “You’re a mess, Kerri. You’re lying to me, you’re crying…and I’m not about to leave you around Justin when you’re like this. It’s dangerous.”

He has no idea how right he is. “No,” I beg him. “Trace, just give me a chance okay? I didn’t sleep that well last night, but other than that everything has been working out okay.”

“I’m sorry, Ker,” he sighs. “But I just don’t think I can trust you.”

My mouth hangs open. Failure. I hear Nathan whisper in my ear. Look at you. Look at how pathetic you are. You let your parents down. You let Siobhan down, you let Justin down, and now you’ve let Trace down; the one person who still gives a damn about you. I squeeze my eyes shut, and try to get him out of my head but I can’t. He’s still there…he’s still reminding me of everything I’ve done wrong, and there’s nothing I can do to stop him. “I’m sorry,” I say, more to Nathan than to Trace. “I really am.” Then I brake down. I start to cry into the phone, and I can’t stop. I feel ridiculous. Trace is thousands of miles away right now, and he doesn’t need this. I mean hell, his girlfriend just left him for Christ’s sake. My God, I’m so selfish. All I can do is think about myself and my problems. God why? Why can’t I pull myself together and realize that I don’t matter right now?

I hate myself.

“Kerri…Kerri shh,” I hear him say. “You gotta calm down, and stop crying. Don’t let Justin see you like that.”

“Justin,” I mutter. “Justin Justin…it’s always about fucking Justin,” I tell him. “And I’m trying, Trace. I’m trying as hard I can to put all my effort into him. But damn it, it’s really hard okay?”

“Where are you right now,” he asks me calmly. “You’re not driving around are you?”

“No.” I pause, and cry a little more. “I’m waiting for Justin,” I sniffle. “Outside of Madison’s office.”

“Kerri, I want you to go talk to Madison,” he tells me. “You need to, okay? You need help.”

And I almost let myself tell him I will. I’m almost able to tell myself that talking to her is a good idea. But then I hear Nathan again, so clear, so loud in my ear. You think talking to Madison will help you? Don’t listen to Trace, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. Nobody can help you…nobody, because you’re a failure. A failure. If you go talk to Madison, she won’t have any time for Justin, and then he’ll get hurt again. You don’t want that do you?

NO, I tell myself. I don’t.

“No,” I say.

“No?” Trace gasps. “Kerri, listen to me…”

“You don’t understand,” I interrupt him. “I can’t just talk to her, like Justin does.”

“Justin was raped,” he reminds me. “And let me tell you, it took a lot for him to come out about that. Nothing…nothing like that happened to you okay? I’m not saying you don’t have a lot of problems too, because it’s obvious that you do. But it’s not like you have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of.”

Nothing like that happened to you. His words echo in my mind, and I’m really angry at myself for letting my emotions out like this on the phone. He doesn’t get it, just like I knew he wouldn’t. He doesn’t understand that my life has turned into this living hell, where I can’t sleep, and I can’t think, and I’m numb all the time. “I don’t need Madison to solve my problems,” I tell him. “I’m doing just fine on my own.”

“Oh yeah,” he says sarcastically. “Like right now.”

“Well you know, I wasn’t raped,” I snap. “So what difference does it make…”

“Hey,” he cuts me off angrily. “That’s not what I was getting at and you know it.”

Then…silence. I have no more words for him, I’m too angry right now. Too angry and too tired. “Listen,” I whisper. “Justins going to be out soon, and I’m going to have to clear my head before then. So, I’ll just talk to you soon.”

“Maybe I said some stuff I shouldn’t have. And if I hurt you, I’m sorry Ker. It’s been really hard…all of this, and now Elisha’s gone too,” he whimpers. “There’s just so much happening to me at once, sometimes I can’t think straight.”

“Don’t worry about it right now,” I say quietly. “You should go relax, maybe take a nap or something. And when Justin and I get home I’ll take one too.” That part is a lie, but I’m hoping he’ll believe it and get off my back.

“Maybe I’ll do that,” he says. “Take a nap and stuff.”

“You’re not going to come home,” I sniffle. “Right?”

He’s silent for a moment. “I don’t really want to,” he admits. “But I can’t let anything else happen to him Kerri. He’s been through enough.”

“I’m going to stop all of this.” And I mean it. From now until Sunday, no more drinking…no…no more. I cringe at the thought, and in my heart I know I’m not going to do well with this new promise. But I have to do it. Not just for me, but for Trace, and for Justin too. “I’m going to be fine okay? I’ll sleep and take care of everything. Just stay in Barbados and get everything sorted out with yourself, Trace.”

“I guess…I should have a little more faith in you,” he sighs heavily. “I mean you’ve always been responsible Kerri Donovan, and hell, I’m just paranoid I guess. “ He pauses for a moment, and I can hear him cough a little. “I’ll stay,” he tells me. “But…you’re not mad at me right?”

I’m relieved that he‘s decided to stay. “No, Trace,” I say. “Not at you.” Right. I’m not mad at Trace. Not at all. I’m mad with myself for being so damn pathetic. “So, I’ll talk to you later. Call me tonight, okay?”

He’s silent again, and just as I’m about to say goodbye and hang up, he speaks up again

“Kerri.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?,” he whispers, and his voice so empty and hollow, it sends chills through my body.

“Uh…of course,” I say.

“What if it was my fault?”

I can’t believe he’s starting this blaming thing again. He does it this every once in awhile. He‘ll get all depressed and worried, and he‘ll blame himself for the kidnapping. He never says exactly what he did, he just goes on and on about how it’s all his fault. I almost strangled him once for doing it. I mean, I know he’s distraught, but there isn’t any way Trace could have prevented what happened. He wasn’t with us when it happened, and he wasn’t the one that was bargaining with Shane. “We’ve been through this,” I tell him. “Come on Trace, it’s just because we’re depressed right now. Don’t start thinking like this.”

“But…what if something happened and you found out it really was my fault,” he continues. “Would you hate me, Kerri?”

I’m so confused, and my head is pounding now. I need some advil, chocolate, and a warm bed. “Trace, what are you getting at?” I say tiredly. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“You didn’t answer the question, Kerri,” he persists. “Come on, would you or not?”

“Trace…” I hesistate. I don’t know how to answer his question, because it’s so totally ridiculous. “I could never hate you.”

“Not even if I could have stopped those assholes before hand, and I didn’t?”

“Trace,” I groan. “But you couldn’t have.”

“Maybe you‘re right,” he says quickly. “Listen, I am kinda tired after all. I’m gonna go lie down and shit. But I’ll call you later tonight all right?”

It‘s an excuse. I know he doesn‘t believe that. He‘s still blaming himself, tearing himself apart, and I wish I could make it better. Hell, I wish I could make everything better. Justin…Siobhan, my parents, Trace and Elisha. But I can‘t. I can‘t do anything. I can‘t even keep myself together. “None of this is your fault,” I remind him quickly. “You have to realize that, Trace.”

But he doesn’t seem to hear me. “I’ll call you later,” he whispers. “Bye Kerri.”

I almost say something else encouraging, but then I hear the soft click on the other end of the line, and I know he’s hung up on me. I throw my phone back into my purse, and put my head in my hands. What the hell is going on? The past two days have been horrible, and this morning wasn’t any better. But now, now Trace’s life is falling apart too, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I’m not strong enough, or smart enough. I feel myself begin to crumble again…and I can’t fucking stand it. I need a drink to calm my nerves, I know I do, and it makes me hate myself even more, because I just promised myself that I wasn’t going to think about drinking until after Trace comes back.

“Kerri.” I feel a hand fall lightly on my shoulder, and I gasp a little. When I look up, I see Madison, and I want to scream at her to get away from me. I don’t want her to know my problems, not at all. But just as before, she sits down besides me and lets me cry some. I think she knows I need to do this.

“Where’s Justin,” I manage to ask. “Your session isn’t over yet.” I sit up in the chair and wipe my eyes and nose with the back of my sleeve.

“He told me that he’s uncomfortable around you,” she nods. “So I thought it would be best if I came to talk to you for a few minutes.”

Great.

“What did he tell you,” I whisper, praying to God that she doesn’t know about the wine. “Because you know, I fucking tried,” I tell her angrily. “I did. And I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry that I can’t be strong all the damn time.” My bottom lip quivers as I say the words, and as soon as I stop speaking I let the sobs escape me. I don’t’ care anymore. I’m so…it just hurts so bad.

“He tells me he feels like he can’t confide in you, because your so closed off. And Kerri, I think he’s right. From the moment I met you, I could tell you had this giant barrier built around you to protect you from everything that you’re afraid of. I know Justin scares you Kerri. Not just because of the kidnapping either,” she nods. “You two have a deep past.”

There is no way I’m getting into my past with Justin right now. Especially with Madison. I know he probably told her all about me and him and the things we used to do, and how our friendship ended up falling apart. But that’s all on him. I’m not going to be angry about it, because Madison is his doctor and he’s supposed to get all of his anxiety out of his system when he talks to her. Am I a little embarrassed that she knows what we’ve done together? Maybe a little, but its nothing that I need to concern myself with right now. Right now, I’m really worried about Trace, and how Justin is going to take the news once Trace explains his situation. Oh yeah, and that ache in my gut is back too. “I’ve told you before that I don’t want to talk to you, Madison,” I say. “You’re Justin’s doctor, and that’s good enough.”

Her expression becomes stern. She think I‘m being impossible, and I really don‘t care. “And if you don’t talk about your problems, how long do you think you’re going to last before they catch up with you?,” she asks me.

“I’ll manage. It’s just a bunch of emotional bullshit anyway.”

“Right,” she shoots me a worried expression. “Like the wine was.”

My mouth drops open. He told her. He really did. I can’t…I can’t believe he would do that. Unless she pushed him to tell her what was really wrong, and now that I think about it, I’m sure she did. Great. Just fucking great. Now she’s going to tell Trace, and Trace…god, what if he kicks me out or something? “The wine?”

She nods.

“He told you?,” I whimper.

“Yes,” she tells me. “He didn’t’ want to. He was trying to protect you, but I made him tell me. It’s not good for Justin to keep things inside, no matter how small the problem may seem. It’s taken a long time for him to express his feelings freely again, Kerri. You need to respect that. Frankly, I’m very disappointed that you would expect him to keep something like this a secret. It was turning him into a nervous wreck.”

I add Madison to the list of people who hate me.

“Are you ready to talk to me now,” she asks me.

She thinks she so damn smart, but I know better. I know what happens when you tell people what you really feel. You wind up in a place like this, and you become more weak and vulnerable than you already are. Well…when you’re normal anyway. Justin handled it a little differently because of who he is. He had just a little more confidence because other people had so much faith in him from the beginning. But me…nobody has faith in me. “I told you that I’m not talking to you,” I repeat. I get up from the chair, and glance at my watch. “It looks like the hour is almost up,” I nod. “And I need to get Justin out of here.”

She sucks in a breath, and lets it out slowly. I think she’s pretty angry with me, but she’s not going to let me know just how much it’s affecting her. “You’re right,” she nods, but it‘s not reassuring. “I’ll go get him.”

And I’m shocked that she’s giving in so easily.

“But Kerri, if I hear about any more problems at the house while Trace is away, I swear to you, I’ll come pick him up myself and mandate him to the clinic until Trace returns. I mean it.” She turns on her heel, and without another word she goes back into her office.

She thinks shes so damn tough…

I sigh, and I can’t help but let everything she’s just said sink in. Shes’ right. I was wrong for expecting Justin to hide all of that inside of him. But I mean, what was I supposed to do? I don’t want Trace finding out, especially now. And…I don’t want Madison to think I have a drinking problem, but now she does. I need to get out of here. Away where I can be alone and think. Come on Justin…

I hear the door swing open several minutes later, and when I look up I see Justin again. His hands are shoved in his pockets, and he wont’ even look at me, just at the floor.. “You ready,” he finally says. His voice is hoarse, and I’m guessing he was crying before.

“Yeah,” I nod. “Are you?”

Then he looks at me. He seems scared of me, and really, I can’t blame him at all. “I…I really don’t want to go back to the house yet. Can we go for a drive, Ker? Maybe we can eat or something?”

I know all I want to do right now is go home, crawl into my bed and never come out again. But the look in his eyes is so desperate. It’s telling me that he needs this. That he needs to go out, to be free and that he…he needs me? “If you want to,” I say quietly.

“You were crying,” he nods.

I shrug. “Let’s just go okay?” And he holds out his hand to me. I’m a little weary of grabbing onto it, but something inside of me is telling me I should. So I do.

He laces his fingers through mine, and hangs on to my hand tightly, like he might lose me if he was to ever let go. “Okay, Kerri.”

Breaking Through