Three days later…

The first day of interviews hadn’t been easy for Justin. Going to talk to these doctors he’d never met before made him uneasy from the start. They’d all been so eager to get to know him, to hear his side of the story. They all wanted to know what kind of goals he was interested in making for himself if things simply ’weren’t going to work out’ for him. He didn’t want to tell them. He didn’t want to think about what it would be like if he was forced to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He still had a chance didn’t he? No, maybe he hadn’t gotten any sort of feeling back in his limbs yet. But Karen said some patients didn’t start coming around until much later in the process. She said to give it another month or so, and then they would know for sure.

He didn’t want that time to come.

After a full day of interviewing, Justin was finally able to sit down with his mother, and Karen to narrow down the list of doctors he’d met with. Between the three of them, they managed to get the list down to four doctors that he was willing to work with. He wasn’t thrilled with them of course, but then he wasn’t thrilled about working with anybody besides Karen. He guessed he would simply have to put up with it, and get used to working with somebody new. It was a sacrifice that he had to make.

He had bigger priorities to focus on now.

He’d put the sunglasses on after the first interview today. Something inside of him made him do it. Those inquisitive looks the female doctor threw at him had been too much. She’d been searching him…his eyes, trying to figure him out without asking too many questions. It made him uncomfortable, like he was at some sort of press conference, or television interview. He remembered how uneasy those things made him feel in the past, and how putting on his sunglasses always seemed to help calm his nerves. So, despite the fact that it made him look full of himself, he’d slipped his shades on after leaving the first doctor‘s office.

“So Justin, why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself.”

Even though this was the second time he held a meeting with her, Doctor Taylor still seemed more like a shrink than a therapist, but as Justin glanced around the room he knew that wasn’t the case There were at least two dozen banners and plaques lining the wall behind her, commemorating her continued efforts in rehabilitation. He realized he’d never taken the time to notice, or commend Karen’s, and he knew he’d sat in her office enough times to notice them. Maybe that was why she was shoving him off on somebody else. He nodded, answering his own question. Yes, he thought. That must be it.

Doctor Taylor smiled. “It’s okay to be nervous. I know how caged up you‘ve been at that ranch.”

“Oh--.” He felt his face begin to burn with embarrassment, and quickly reached up to secure his sunglasses before they gave away the desperate look his eyes held. “I’m…I’m not really all that nervous,” he told her. “I was just lookin at the stuff on your wall.”

“Stuff?” Doctor Taylor glanced behind her. “Oh those?,” she mused. “It took me years of dedication and patience to earn all of those. But, I’m sure you must have things like that in your home though, don’t you?”

He did. At home, in his own office were countless awards, plaques, certificates…his trophies and statues, commending him in all that he’d achieved over the years. Up until now, he didn’t have a reason to think about them. But seeing Doctor Taylor’s various commendations made him yearn for them. He’d nearly forgotten how praised they once made him feel…how talented and unique. Of course now though…none of it really mattered anymore. “I have some things,” he murmured. “But I guess…I haven’t really thought about them much lately.”

“Losing somebody close to you,” she said softly, nodding her head. “It can make you forget a lot of things that used to mean something to you.”

He turned his head away from her. He knew his mother spoke on the phone with this particular doctor the other day, and he was sure that was how she knew about that ‘somebody close to him’. But. she was getting ahead of herself right now, and he didn’t like it. This interview was supposed to be simple--to the point, not an ask all tell all session. “I…I’m not talking about this today,” he managed to tell her. “I don’t just…talk about it.”

She pressed her lips into a thin line, and scrunched her eyebrows together. She was thinking about something. What it was, Justin didn’t know. He knew it was making him uneasy though, and he wished she hadn’t asked his mother to leave the room so they could ‘bond before making a decision’. He gripped the arms of his chair tightly, and bit down on his bottom lip, praying that she wouldn’t try to question him any further about the subject.

“That’s understandable,” she decided, after several moments. “Although, hiding your feelings away won’t make you problems or insecurities go away, Justin.”

He shrugged. “You’re not going to be my shrink, if I take this on,” he reminded her. You’re just going to be my therapist.”

“Oh but you’re wrong,” she pointed out. “Mine is a unique practice Justin. Not only do I help you to regain control of yourself physically…but mentally as well. That’s the way this sort of thing should be done.”

He didn’t like her. She reminded him of a late night infomercial host, or a commercial for a women’s health hotline. She seemed fake, almost. She was definitely nothing like Karen, and he couldn’t’ see himself having any sort of heart to heart conversation with her. He wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to concentrate on his workout, with her standing there, her inquisitive eyes constantly staring back at him. He would have to wear these damn glasses every time he came here, and that wasn’t something he wanted to do. He needed to work with somebody he could trust…confide in. He wanted Karen. But that was impossible. “I think I’m gonna have to call you with my decision, Doctor Taylor.”

“Please,” she smiled. “Maureen.”

He cleared his throat, and adjusted his glasses again. “Maureen.”

“Maureen? What kinda name is Maureen?”

The voice sent a chill through him, and he shuddered. At first, he was sure the voice was in his head. But he couldn’t help but give a quick glance to his left, thinking the voice might have come from that direction. His eyes widened. Sure enough, in the corner of the room stood Trace. He was standing against the wall, one foot propped up against it, smoking a cigarette. Gone, he thought. You’re supposed to be gone.

“I know I know,” Trace laughed, pushing himself away from the wall. “I know I’m not supposed to be here or whatever. But…I figured the occasion called for it. I mean, a guys birthday is a guys birthday right?” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Too bad about the cake and junk though. That’s the best part.”

Trace’s birthday was tomorrow. He’d woken up with the realization in the back of his mind, and had been trying as hard as he could not to think about it too much. With everything else swarming around him…Sheridan, his mother, his brothers, Johnny…Elisha and the baby, he simply didn’t want to be burdened with the thought of it.

But Trace wasn’t going to let him forget it.

“I didn’t forget,” he reassured his friend. He forgot where he was. That Doctor Taylor was sitting before him, studying his every move. All he saw was Trace…that stupid cheesy smile, and that damn cigarette. “I just--didn’t want to remember is all.”

“Understandable,” Trace shrugged. “So, who is this lady? Some stupid ass shrink?”

He looked back at Doctor Taylor. She had an amused smile on her face, as if she knew exactly what was going on with him. Did she? Could she see Trace standing there like he did? He glanced at Trace, hoping he would have an answer for him this time. He just shrugged though. It figured.

“You didn‘t want to remember my name?,” Maureen questioned.

“Uh…well…” He tried to think fast. It wasn’t working. Why did Trace have to appear now? Why couldn’t he come around when he needed him? This always happened to him. And at the worst times too. “I’m bad with names,” he blurted out. “So…I try not to get myself to remember them.”

“You suck at lying,” Trace snickered. He threw his cigarette to the ground, and stepped on it. As always, it evaporated into the carpet. Justin shuddered.

Maureen laughed. “You don’t need to explain,” she reassured him. “This is a confusing time for you.”

“This is a confusing time for you,” Trace mocked. “What the fuck does this lady know anyway? I liked the other one better. What’s her name…Karen?”

“She doesn’t want me around anymore,” Justin replied sadly.

“Who, Karen?” Maureen asked. “No…that’s not the case. She simply doesn’t have the time to travel all that way to accommodate you. You shouldn’t feel badly about that though. It might even be a positive thing.”

Trace rolled his eyes. “This is a joke. You need to call up Jason. He knows a guy.”

Justin ignored his friends’ comment. There was something else…something more important that he’d been dying to ask him since the day he’d found out about it. But right now he was in the presence of this doctor who didn’t know him. Holding a strange conversation with Trace in front of her, he was sure, would only end in disaster. “I think…I just need some time to decide what I’m doing,” he told Maureen. “But I’ll definitely let you know, okay?”

Maureen frowned a little, obviously not satisfied by his decision. Still, she didn’t protest. She rose from her chair, and forced a smile his way. “Sounds good. Let me just go get your mother, and you can be on your way.” She trotted across the room, and opened the door, stealing one final look at him before she exited the room.

He didn’t hesitate. “I’m scared, Trace.”

“About what,” Trace didn’t meet his gaze as he walked across the room to study the painting on the wall. He studied it for several moments, before speaking again. “You have people that care about you. You got Sheridan. You’re fine, J. You don’t’ need to be afraid.”

“That‘s not what I mean.” He felt the tears begin to well up under his eyes lids. “The baby…what about the baby?”

“What about it?” Trace muttered.

“I--I don‘t know what I‘m supposed to do. This is your kid, and now, because of this--what I did, you can‘t be around to raise it.”

Trace whirled around suddenly. “That’s your own fault,” he snapped. “Isn’t it?”

He looked down at his lap, feeling the tears begin to seep out of his eyes. “I’m sorry, Trace.” He let out a tiny sob, and covered his mouth, desperately trying to hold back the hysterical outburst of tears and cries he knew his emotions were trying to unleash. He felt his body shudder at his resistance, and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing the feeling away.

“Calm down,“ he heard Trace sigh. “Man…look…I didn’t mean that. It’s not your fault, so just relax okay? Everything is gonna be alright. I trust you, and I know you’re gonna be there for my kid. You don’t’ need to be scared, or whatever. You’re gonna do great. The accident happened, and--it’s over now. You can’t do anything about it. All you can do is let it go, Justin. Just take care of things for Elisha. Make sure she’s okay. Make sure my kid is healthy.”

He opened his eyes. There was a hint of worry in Trace’s voice, and it made Justin believe now more than ever, that Trace was really there, and that he wasn’t just some memory coming back to haunt him. “You know I will,” he whispered. “Happy Birthday,” he found himself saying, a moment later. “I wish…I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“Thanks,” he nodded. He stepped back over to him, and crouched down to meet his level. “I gotta go though,” he frowned.

“No,” he blurted out. He reached out to him and grasped him by the arm, nearly letting out a shriek when he realized he was actually touching him. He looked at him, his eyes wide, searching for an answer. But Trace just smiled, acting as if this was normal. “Just…stay okay?,” he pleaded, tightening his grip on Trace’s arm. “I don’t’ want you to leave. Cant’ you just stay, and haunt me, or do whatever it is that you’re doing now? I miss you so much, man.” Not being able to resist any longer, he let out the sobs he’d been holding back. “You don’t even know how much I need you right now.”

“I can’t,” Trace refused. “You need to do this on your own, without me. I just came to say hey…I didn’t come to stay.

“It’s not fair!” Justin yelled. “Don’t you understand? I can’t make it without you…even if I acted like I could before. I was wrong okay?”

“Life isn’t fair,” he reminded him. “But shit happens. Hang in there J. I know you can do this. You‘re an independent kinda guy--I should know.” He smiled and winked at him.

“Trace,” he whispered, knowing he was about to vanish. “Wait.”

In the blink of an eye, Trace was gone. Now his mother was standing before him, a look of both shock and fear resting on her face. He realized he was still holding onto something…an arm. Then he looked down and realized it was his mothers arm. He gasped, and let go of it. What happened? Had he been talking to his mother the entire time he thought Trace was there? It couldn’t be true. Trace had been there. He’d seen him, talked to him. It was exactly like it had been before. But how could his mother have come into view so quickly? He was confused, distraught. He whimpered a little, not being able to control himself.

“Are you alright?” his mother asked him.

He didn’t know what to tell her. He simply nodded, hoping that it would be enough.

“You said Trace,” she pointed out, caressing his face with her hand lovingly. “Right?”

He looked away from her. “I--I never said that.”

She nodded slowly. Her eyes were telling him that she didn’t believe him…that she couldn’t. She thought something was wrong with him, with his head. “You’ll be okay,” she said, giving him a light kiss on the forehead. “You’re going to get help.”

He shook his head. “I don’t need help,” he told her, gruffly. “I have enough help.”

“Justin,” she whispered. “I’ve been standing here fore ten minutes. You were--you were talking to me, like I was Trace. When I tried to get you to stop, you didn‘t even hear me. Something is wrong, Justin. Something that Karen didn‘t have the time or the patience to catch on to. I knew I should have listened to that psychiatrist back in New York.”

He shook his head again, more vigorously this time. He wouldn’t believe it. Trace had been there. He saw him. “No,” he snapped. “I--I don’t believe you!”

“Justin, please,” she reasoned. She squatted down at his feet, and looked into his eyes. “Please try to understand where I’m coming from with this.”

He stared back at her. Her eyes held no sign of dishonesty, and deep down he knew she wasn’t lying to him. He didn’t want to admit that to her though. Admitting that to his mother, would be admitting that he really did have a problem. That he really did hear voices in his head, and hallucinate from time to time. He was scared of what she might do. Of what kinds of people she would make him go see, and what kinds of medicines she’d make him take. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to think of an answer to all of this. He hoped some terrific lie would pop into his mind, and that his mother would believe it, and simply leave him alone about what just happened. But nothing came to mind. What could he say? The truth was, there was nothing he could say. All he could do was accept the situation, and handle it the best he could.

Like everything else.

“Does this happen a lot?” she asked him softly.

He looked down at his lap, and shrugged. “It used to happen…a lot more.”

“And now?”

He met her gaze. “Now…today…I just don’t know.”

“You’re scaring me,” she confessed. “At the hospital they called this---post traumatic something or other. Justin, if there’s something wrong, you should tell me. It can’t be fixed if you don’t tell me.”

He felt like he was five and had just wet the bed. Momma can’t fix it if you don’t tell me… He made a face. “I’m fine,” he told her again. “I don’t know what happened…and I’m sorry that I scared you. Can we please just go? Please?,” he pleaded.

She sighed, and her shoulders slumped a little. “Is this about tomorrow?”

Justin gasped a little, surprised that his mother had the courage to mention what tomorrow was in his presence. He glanced down at his hands, and met her gaze again. “It might be,” he supplied.

She nodded, her look of worry changing to one of sympathy. “Tomorrow you should rest. I don’t want you doing anything that might upset you. In fact, I was hoping that you and Elisha might get together and spend the day. I think she probably needs you to be around.”

The thought hadn’t crossed his mind. He’d been so busy talking to some doctor, or going to some interview that he hadn’t’ had time to think about her much. But he was thinking about her now. About the conversation she’d supposedly had with Sheridan. About how it might not have been her who’d said those things.

He should have asked Trace about that too.

“I’ll call her,” his mother decided for him. “It will be good for both of you.”

He was hoping to spend the day with Sheridan tomorrow. He knew it would keep his mind off of Trace, and off of what was supposed to have been his twenty fourth birthday. He needed to have another talk with her too. He wanted to tell her about his revelation the other day. About how he was in love with her, and how foolish he felt for not being able to realize it sooner. He wanted to sit on the floor, and hold her, and kiss her, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear like they’d done the day they‘d been intimate together. That was what he wanted to do…that was all he wanted to do. But he couldn’t tell his mother that.

Right?

Before he could think about it anymore, he was wheeled out of the room and down the hall. Then they were on the elevator. Several floors down the elevator stopped, and a few people got on. And those few people, Justin found, had a staring problem. He scowled and looked at the floor, never more thankful when they reached the lobby and were let out into the world again. He wondered, would life always be this way? Being pushed around by his mother…being looked at like some sort of outcast? He couldn’t take it. He’d never lived his life by anybody’s rules but his own, and he hated that his mother couldn’t take a second to remember this.

His troubles plagued him until they were at least halfway back to Karen’s. His mother continuously rambling on about different things, that Justin couldn’t have cared less about. When she paused for a few minutes, seemingly out of things to say, that was when Justin decided it was safe to take over. “I can’t go to Elisha’s tomorrow,” he informed her.

She shot him a confused look. “Why? Did you already have something planned?”

He nodded. “Sorta.”

“What is it?”

He couldn’t lie to her. He really wanted to…but he knew in the end she would find out the truth anyway. She always did. “I’m spending the day with Sheridan tomorrow.”

“With Sheridan,” she stated, with a displeased tone.

“Yeah.” He didn’t care if she was angry. He needed to have control over his life, and make his own decisions. Even if his mother didn’t like it. He wasn’t going to be intimidated by her, and he wasn’t going to believe that she knew everything that was best for him.

“I would think Elisha would be a little more important to you,” she pointed out. “It being Trace‘s birthday and all.”

He cringed. “You told me you were going to try harder to accept Sheridan,” he said softly.

“This isn’t about Sheridan,” his mother said. “This is about being around to comfort your friend.”

“It’s not like I’m not going to see her,” he told her. “Just tomorrow--Sheridan and I need to be together tomorrow.”

“I guess there’s something wrong with me,” she shrugged. “Because I don’t understand what’s so important about this girl that you have to let Elisha sit home by herself all day tomorrow.”

“You could go there,” he pointed out.

“It’s not my responsibility to go there,” she snapped. “Trace was your friend. You owe it to him to do this.”

If she wanted to make him feel guilty, she was doing a really good job. He knew it would be a good idea to visit Elisha tomorrow, despite what Sheridan claimed happened between them the other day. She probably did need him around, even though he knew Elisha wouldn’t admit it. But Sheridan…she needed him too. He was torn. What was the right decision? If he went to Elisha’s, Sheridan would feel like he didn’t care. But if he stayed with Sheridan, his mother and Elisha would think he didn’t give a damn about Trace’s birthday. Of all the times he wished Trace would pop out of nowhere for some words of wisdom…this was it.

“You should just go.”

He jumped a little, and glanced over his shoulder quickly. Trace. He was there.

“Don’t say anything,” Trace warned, poking his head between the front seats. “Your momma already thinks you’re crazy enough. Look, just go to Elisha’s. I know you don’t want to…I know you want to spend time with Sheridan. But Justin, Elisha’s hurting real bad, okay? And I don‘t know what she‘ll do if she has to be by herself tomorrow. Please go. For me.”

How could he tell him no? He couldn’t. He nodded his head in response.

“I owe you,” Trace whispered. Then he vanished again.

He sucked in a deep breath, and looked back at his mother. “I’ll go mom.”

She looked over at him. She seemed surprised, but he couldn’t blame her. He knew she’d been expecting him to protest, like always. “You will?”

He nodded. “It’s the right thing to do.”

She smiled at him. “That’s my boy.” She patted his knee, and focused her gaze on the road again.

Justin couldn’t have felt more like a child in her eyes. He didn’t mind her cooking for him. She’d done that anyway. It was everything else. Constantly kissing him on the cheek or the forehead for every little thing he did or said. Speaking to him in that soft, calming tone that had lulled him to sleep when he was little. And making his day to day arrangements for him. He couldn’t live like this. But he knew his mother wasn’t going to stop when he moved back. If anything, she would get even worse. Helpless. That was what she thought he was from the beginning…and now that she’d caught him in one of his ‘Trace moments’, she would always think that way. It was another never ending struggle he had to deal with. But he couldn’t yell at her, and tell her to stop. Stop what? Stop caring? He almost laughed, but then reality caught up with him again, and instead, he almost started to sob. He chocked it back, coughing loudly as he did so.

“Justin, are you okay honey?”

He met her gaze, and nodded obediently. “Fine momma.”

*****************

“Wooo!”

Sheridan laughed and let out a playful sigh. “Well Rose…you beat me again.”

“In my day,” the old woman smiled. “I was up to my elbows in Cracker Jack toys because of this game!”

Everyday around this time Sheridan found herself playing round after round of Checkers with Rose Swanson. She’d broken her hip a few weeks ago while she was out in her garden. Sheridan was glad to have the company. Most of the patients that came through her wing were either miserable…or in and out to soon to for her to form any kind of bond with them. In a way, Sheridan almost wished that Rose’s recovery wasn’t going as well as it was. It was nice to have somebody else to talk to for a change. The other interns didn’t seem to want anything to do with her…because she was ‘Karen Williams daughter’. A ‘free ride’. She wished they knew the half of it. She wished they knew that working here was in no way a free ride. She was working here to save her relationship with the man she was supposedly falling in love with. At times she wondered if Justin even knew how much she was sacrificing by coming here everyday. She could have been using the time to study…to prepare for the coming school year. Hell…to salvage what was left of her summer.

But she cared about him to much to let those things come first.

“So dear…how are things at your home?” Rose pushed herself up a little bit, and winced a little before settling back into her pillows. “How is your mother?”

Sheridan passed Rose her cup of water, knowing that she would be asking for it next. “She’s okay,” Sheridan told her. “Things are kind of hectic right now because her…um…patient…he’s going home in a few days. So everything has to be ready.”

“Ahh,” she nodded. “Well, I’m sure it’s nothing she hasn’t handled before.”

Rose was right in a sense. In her lifetime, Sheridan had seen so many patients come and go from the house she’d lost count. But this was Justin…who wasn’t even halfway to recovery yet…and he was leaving. The thought made her want to break down. But she knew she couldn’t do that here. Not in front of Rose. It wasn’t her problem, after all. “Yes…she’s been through it before,” Sheridan nodded.

“Is there something on your mind, child?” Rose asked, giving her hand a squeeze. “You can tell me. I have seven children and eleven grandchildren. It’s like being a mother and a shrink all in one.”

Sheridan laughed, but knew she couldn’t pour her soul out to Rose…despite the caring and sincere woman Sheridan knew she was. It wouldn’t be right, and the hospital didn’t like the interns getting too personal with the patients as it was. “I’m fine Rose…really. But thank you.”

The old woman gave her a light kiss on the cheek. “Well okay…but you be sure to come and sit anytime you need to talk. Now run along…or I’ll miss my soap. Anthony and Sharda are getting married today you know.”

“Oh okay,” Sheridan smiled, rising out of the chair she’d been sitting in. “Well you enjoy…and fill me in tomorrow.”

“Oh I will. Goodbye dear.” Rose smiled again before lifting the remote and turning on the television.

With one final wave, Sheridan picked up Rose’s empty lunch tray and exited the room. She was nearly halfway to her next patient, a grumpy old man with a back problem, when she heard the page.

She sighed. Getting called to the nurses station was never a positive thing, especially when Caroline was the head nurse on duty. Getting a phone call was almost out of the question on her shift, unless it was a dire emergency. Sheridan prayed Justin was able to get his act together for Elisha without her…that he was already at her house. If it was him, she knew she was going to catch hell from Caroline, and that was something she knew would get back to her mother.

“Sheridan,” Caroline grunted as soon as Sheridan approached the desk. “Is your shift through?”

Sheridan bit down on her bottom lip. “No ma’am.”

“Then why are you getting phone calls?”

She winced. Damn it Justin. “I don’t know ma’am.”

Caroline snatched the phone off the hook. “Get something straight, Sheridan. You aren’t privileged because of who your mother is. You’re here to work, like everybody else. If you have a problem with it…you can leave, got it?”

Sheridan nodded, and quickly moved past Caroline to take the phone. It was taking every ounce of strength inside of her not to break down in front of her. She was surprised she was pulling it off. “Hello?” she whispered.

“Hey hot stuff,” the voice laughed. “Hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time. I’m just…back in town and I wanted to say hey.”

It was Juan. Sheridan had been so preoccupied worrying about Justin, and preparing herself for the move that she’d hadn’t had time to think about him since their previous encounter. “Juan?”

“Yeah,” he laughed again. “I’m here.”

“Um.” She eyed Caroline, who naturally, was watching her intently. “Where are you?”

“I’m home…but I just wanted to know if we could hang out or something. I mean, I know you have your thing with Justin…but it’s my birthday and I can’t think of anybody else I’d rather spend it with.”

The subject of birthdays sent chills through her. Today was Trace’s birthday, and it was the reason why Justin was at Elisha’s house. She wasn’t jealous…that wasn’t the case at all. She was only worried that the visit was going to trigger memories that Justin wasn’t ready to deal with yet. But she didn’t try to talk him out of going. When he informed her of what was going on, he seemed to have made his mind up already. She was glad he’d confided in her of course, but at the same time she was sure if she’d protested it wouldn’t’ have mattered anyway. “Your birthday?”

“Twenty four baby!” Juan exclaimed. “Whaddya say…how about a night on the town? We could go to Silver.”

“Oh…uh…” Sheridan rubbed the back of her neck, and tried to think fast. If she went out with Juan without Justin’s knowledge would it be wrong? No…it couldn’t be, because Juan was her friend. She didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him anymore…she couldn’t. If she stayed in tonight, she would only end up calling Marcy and being miserable for the entire evening, because she was sure Justin wouldn’t return home until very late…if he even came home tonight at all. Besides…when would she ever get the chance to go to Silver again? “Sure…I’ll go,” she told him with a smile. “When?”

“How about seven? We can meet at Sullivan’s and grab a burger or whatever…sound good?”

She heard Caroline groan somewhere from behind her and knew she had to get off the phone, but she didn’t let it stop her from smiling. “Sounds great. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” he responded. “I’ll see ya later.”

“Bye.” She hung up quickly and hurried past Caroline before she could lecture her about the phone again. She found that she couldn’t stop smiling, and she wished Juan knew how much stress he was taking off of her shoulders by doing this. Maybe she would even talk to him about it. Surely he would have some good advice to give her about Justin moving out…and the whole situation with Elisha.

Even if she had to keep it all from Justin.

**************

Spending time with Elisha today was even more awkward than it had been last time. Sitting in the very apartment that had once been filled with so much laughter and happiness made Justin’s head spin…because now the place was so bare…hollow, empty. Elisha had seemingly stripped the place of any reminder of Trace, right down to the DVD’s he’d kept in her apartment. It pained him to see the place this way, but then again, he knew his house was the same way. She hadn’t shown him the bedroom however, and Justin figured it was probably the one place in the apartment that held the painful memory of Trace.

“I hope you like DiGiorno,” Elisha smiled weakly and placed the pizza in the center of the table. “I was in such a rush this afternoon I picked up the first thing I figured we would both like.”

He’d been gazing at the picture on the tabletop for sometime now. It was the only thing that Elisha had seemed to miss, or could bare leaving out in the open. He remembered the day well. It was last summer, down in Malibu. They’d went golfing. Well really it was more like he and Trace went golfing and the girls stood by and made a piss poor attempt at it. It was fun though. He’d been talking to Alyssa then, and was finally able to enjoy himself without the burden of the breakup in the back of his mind. “Pizza’s good,” he said finally, before she started to worry. “But really…you could have just ordered out ‘lish.”

Elisha shrugged and slid into the seat across from him. “Karen told me junk food will bring your energy level down, and I should try not to bring it around you if I can help it.”

He laughed a little. It was so like Karen to keep tabs on him even though it wasn’t her responsibility anymore. It showed that Karen really did care more about him than she let on, she was so stubborn though…Justin knew she would never fully admit to it. “That’s Karen for you,” he smiled.

Elisha cut a piece of pizza out of the pie and put it on Justin’s plate before doing the same for herself. “Has it been hard for you…living up there?,” she asked him.

The uneasiness in her voice was starting to make him nervous. He knew Elisha was still a little uncomfortable around him, and he couldn’t blame her because he felt the same way toward her. But this was different. It seemed like she was almost afraid of him. Was she hiding something? Was it possible that she felt guilty about what she said to Sheridan? “It was hard at first,” he answered finally. “I mean, there were days I wanted to die. But…I think we’ve all had days like that since…everything.”

She didn’t look at him. “Yeah.”

“But Sheridan I mean…she really helped me out,” he said. “She made me see that…you know, I still have a life to live.” He looked at her long and hard, but the mention of Sheridan didn’t seem to phase her. Unless she was putting on a front, which he knew was possible. Elisha was a great actress, and he knew she could use her skill to her advantage if she had to.

“She sounds really great Justin,” Elisha smiled. “I can’t wait to meet her.” She took a bite out of her pizza, not seeming to have anything else to say about the subject.

But he had to ask. He had to know. If Elisha really said those horrible things to Sheridan, he wanted to know why. And if she didn’t…he wanted to know what the hell was going on. “Elisha,” he whispered. “If I ask you something, will you give me an honest answer?”

Her eyes widened a little and she dropped her slice on her plate. “What’s the matter?,” she asked him immediately.

“I just…I need to know.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shifted a little in his chair. “Did you and Sheridan ever talk online?”

She shot him a confused glance. “What? No…Justin, I’ve never spoken to the girl in my life.”

He sighed. “Are you sure?”

She seeemed hurt by his question. “Why would I lie to you…about that?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. It’s just…somebody IM ed her the other day, claiming to be you. And they said some pretty nasty things.”

She frowned and folded her arms across her chest. “Well it wasn’t me,” she grumbled. “Why would you even think something like that, Justin?”

“I…I dunno,” he said softly. “I’m just tryin to figure this all out.”

“Did you ever think that she’s the one whose lying?” Elisha grumbled. “Maybe…she doesn’t want you to leave so she made up some stupid story to turn you against me.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Sheridan isn’t like that. She…wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? Well…I wouldn’t start a fight with your girlfriend.” Elisha rose from the table and tossed the remainder of her lunch into the trash. “My god Justin…what the hell?”

Now he felt foolish. Deep down, he knew Elisha never said any of those things to Sheridan…but he refused to believe that Sheridan would make up a story to keep him closer to her. That’s not how she was. But if Elisha didn’t say those things to Sheridan…then who did? Trace?

He didn’t have an answer.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself saying after a moment. “I…I didn’t mean to accuse you. I just needed to know for sure.”

Elisha shrugged. “It’s not an issue anymore…so just drop it. I have too much going on to worry about what your girlfriend thinks of me. I mean Christ…I know you know what today is. You wouldn‘t be here otherwise.” She made her way back over to the table and sat down again.

“Of course I know what today is,” Justin nodded.

“Are you sure you do?” Elisha snapped. “Because…you haven’t fucking mentioned it once since you’ve been here!” Elisha’s face was bright red, and the tears she never allowed people to see were now flowing freely down her face. “You’re too concerned about your damn girlfriend. Trace died Justin.” She paused for a moment and wiped the tears from her eyes. “He died because of your stupid decision. The least you could do is pretend to give a damn.” She rose from the table and wandered around the kitchen, seemingly not knowing what to do with herself.

He died because of your stupid decision… The words echoed in his mind, and they wouldn’t stop. They cursed him, blamed him…it really was his fault. He buried his head in his hands, and felt himself physically shudder. Then he closed his eyes, and Trace was there, standing in the darkness. “I’m sorry Trace,” he blurted out.

“You shouldn’t be sorry,” he said. “Elisha’s gonna be bitter for awhile. You should know that. You know her as well as I do.”

“I’m hurting her more,” he sobbed. “She’s all alone, and all I can do is talk about Sheridan and tell her how happy she’s made me.”

“Sheridan has made you happy,” Trace nodded. “But things are changing Justin…I told you things were gonna get tough with Sheridan around. Elisha doesn’t care if you have a girlfriend, and nobody else cares either. They need you Justin….they need the old you. Not this new one.”

He felt somebody shaking him, and a moment later he snapped out of his daze. He looked up to find Elisha standing before him. He grasped her hand, and found she was trembling. “Elisha…”

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. “Justin I never meant to say that okay?”

“Come ‘ere,” he whispered, pulling her closer to him. “Don’t you ever be sorry okay? We…we have to deal with this together, and I know that one of us is gonna lose it sometimes.”

She nodded. “Trace wasn’t your fault,” she croaked. “It just hurts really bad right now.”

“If he were here,” Justin said, managing to get out a half smile. “He’d tell us to cut the bullshit and break out the weed.”

Elisha laughed, and it caused him to jump a little. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard the sound of her laughter, and it even got him to break a wider smile.

“I got some,” she said after a moment. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a rolled up Ziploc bag. “For the occasion. Whaddya say Justin? Wanna kick it?” She sat down on the floor and unrolled the bag.

“Lish,” he said softly. “You can’t…the baby.”

She rolled her eyes. “Screw the baby. I need something.”

“Elisha,” he said more sternly this time. “Stop.”

She looked up at him. For the first time Justin could see it. She was exhausted…drained, malnourished. He wasn’t sure of course…but it was quite possible that she hadn’t been taking care of herself. He was sure she wasn’t sleeping, but that was a given…because he didn’t sleep well either. She was working too…something Justin knew wasn’t helping her at all. Actors worked long hours…sometimes working scenes until four or five in the morning. In order to keep healthy, she should have stopped shooting as soon as she’d told him she was pregnant. But she hadn’t. She was still working…still killing herself. And now she wanted to light up? Justin wondered what else she was doing that he didn’t know about. It was making him sick to think that Elisha might not care about the welfare of her child.

“A little pot never hurt anybody,” Elisha giggled. “You and Trace used to say that all the time.” She pulled out a box of rolling papers from her other pocket and began to prepare the drug.

“And you used to tell us that we were idiots,” he snapped in response. It caused her to glance at him for a moment, but she went right back to what she was doing. “Elisha…I’m not stupid okay? I know…I know this baby is making you confused. But you’re not alone…”

She threw down the rolling papers. “Don’t tell me what this baby is making me!” she screamed. “I know what it’s making me! It’s making me sick in the morning…and tired at work. It’s making me hate myself because when it‘s born it will never know what kind of man Trace was. I hate it! I fucking hate it! And…sometimes…I wish something would happen to make it go away.”

Justin thought back to when he’d been normal…a time that he was able to stand on his own two feet. If Trace had died then…if Elisha had been left pregnant and alone, Justin felt he would have known exactly what to do. He would have walked over to her, and hugged her. He would have been the man that he knew she needed. But he couldn’t do anything like that right now. He was stuck in his wheelchair, and Elisha was sitting on the floor, about to get stoned with a growing fetus inside of her. She couldn’t really look to him for help, he realized…because he was even more messed up than she was. He began to wonder why she’d asked him to move back and help her in the first place. Wouldn’t he just hurt her more by being around? By reminding her of Trace? “You shouldn’t…you shouldn’t say that,” he spoke up.

“Why not?” she grumbled. “It’s the truth.”

“This baby is a blessing, Elisha,” he told her. “It’s a part of Trace…it’s like…keeping him with us.”

“Trace is dead,” she responded immediately. “This baby is nothing more than a constant reminder of what happened to him. I want to move on Justin…I want to live my fucking life. But now I can’t…”

“Why can’t you?” he interrupted. “Are you like me? Are you stuck in a fucking chair? Huh?”

“I…,” she hesitated, and looked down at the floor for a moment. “No, but…”

“I’m the one who can’t live my life the way I want to, okay?” Justin closed his eyes for a moment, trying to hide his tears from her. He wished he had his sunglasses right now, so he could hide his emotions more easily. “You’re being so damn selfish. You should be thankful that…you’re free to walk around and do things like a normal person. You have no idea what it’s been like for me…going from who I was before, to this. I mean sure, the baby is an emotional thing…but at least it’s a positive thing.” Justin sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. He didn’t know what Elisha was thinking now…he wondered if she’d been considering the fact that he couldn’t walk all along, but was trying to keep that locked inside of her too.

“You’re still Justin.” Elisha’s raspy voice broke the silence several minutes later. “You’re still…that guy I knew before all of this took over our lives. You’re just…more reserved is all. And I know how lucky I am…I don’t know how I would be able to handle being in a wheelchair like that. I doubt I could do it…like you’ve done it. And I’m proud of you Justin…I’m proud of you for handling it like you’ve been. You’ll get better too…I know you will.”

“My doctor doesn’t even know if I’ll get better,” he informed her. “So don’t go saying shit you know nothing about, Elisha.”

“I’m sorry--”

“You’re not sorry,” he grumbled. “You just weren’t thinking.”

“Okay.” She slowly rose from the floor and tucked the drugs back into her pocket. “I guess today was a mistake.”

“Stop making her feel like shit.” Trace’s voice boomed from across the room.

Justin jumped a little and looked in the direction the voice came from. “What?”

“I said stop making her feel like shit.” Trace stormed across the room and loomed over him. “She’s confused, Justin. Confused and alone.”

“That’s not my problem,” he sneered.

“I know it’s not your problem,” Elisha spoke up. “It’s mine.”

“It is your problem,” Trace nodded. “You know why…we’ve already discussed this. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like you’re treating her, man. Just because she’s not physically injured doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to feel badly or whatever. Pull your head out of your ass.”

Justin glared at his friend. But he vanished…just as quickly as he’d appeared.

“Look…I’ll just call your mom okay? Maybe we can do this another day. When we’re not so…fucked up.” She turned and started away from him.

“No, no,” he whispered. “Lish…I’m sorry okay?”

She turned back to him. “I just…I don’t know exactly how to act around you.”

He laughed sadly. “And I don’t know how to act around you.”

She walked over to him and caressed his face with her hand. Justin wasn’t sure how he felt about her touching him that way…but this was Elisha, and figured…it was more of a sisterly touch than anything else. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it a little. “I get moody sometimes,” he confessed. “And when I do…just tell me to shut up okay? I don’t want to make you upset…not with that baby inside of you.”

“The moodiness I’m used to,” she chuckled. “It’s everything else that gets to me.”

“I’ll try harder,” he promised her. “Just…no more drugs okay?”

She nodded. “I’m sorry for acting like I…don’t care about this baby. I do care…it‘s just sometimes…I think about Trace and how much he would have loved to raise this child. It almost makes me wish it would die….so it could be with him.”

“Don’t think that way,” he said softly. “I know this baby is gonna be a good thing for everybody. Maybe it will even…help you and I move past Trace…you know, since we’ll both have to focus most of our attention on midnight feedings and diaper changes,” he smiled a little.

“Ugh,” she laughed. “Gross.”

“Wanna see what’s on HBO?” he offered, wanting to keep the mood relaxed.

Elisha smiled. “Definently.”

Chapter Twenty Nine