The other day I went out to get some soda from the little store on the corner. Scott drank the last bottle all by himself, and I was craving my diet Pepsi. I yelled at him of course, but it’s not like it made any difference. Siobhan lets him do whatever he wants to do. She’s ‘in love’. I always tell her love is a bunch of bullshit and she shouldn’t be wasting her time. Then she rolls her eyes and says ‘you really need help, Kerri’. I guess it’s not my place to pry into her love life though. I mean, if she wants to be with Scott and get her heart broken one day …that’s her choice. But I’m sure as hell not going to let myself fall into the trap.

I went into the store, and picked up a few bottles. But when I went to pay, the girl behind the register didn’t start ringing my stuff up. She just…stared. At first, I didn’t know what her problem was. I was just trying to pay for my soda, and get back to the paper I was writing. I asked her if everything was okay, and then like…she shook her head and said: ‘Sorry…aren’t you that Kerri Donovan girl that’s been all over the news?’

It was the first time in a long time that I’d been recognized. The first week I was back in New York, the new stations were still running the story, and I used to get spotted all the time. It was weird. Like…people would ask me if I was doing okay…people that I’d never met before. I didn’t want to talk to them, because they didn’t know me and they had no business asking about what I was going through. A few of the bolder ones would stand acrosst the street and take pictures of me. It was hard to get a private moment in. I couldn’t really go out to eat with Siobhan then, because people would always stop and stare. It started to get so bad that I wouldn’t’ want to leave the dorms. But then…Siobhan wouldn’t allow me to act that way. She told me I had a life to live, and that if people wanted to stare at me I should let them. She said ‘they wish they could be as awesome as you are’.

But I didn’t’ believe her. I’m not awesome, I’m just me. Little Kerri Donovan from Millington, Tennessee. That’s who I’ve always been…even when I was gallivanting across the country with Justin. I never let any of the attention I received go to my head, and now with all of the media hype surrouding me, I still don’t feel any different about myself. I want to stay this way…I just want to be me…I want to be normal. I know the idea is outrageous, considering how big this whole thing has gotten. But, I’ve been through a nightmare. Don’t I deserve to be left alone and be myself?

Apparently not.

Last weekend, Siobhan threw this huge ‘Welcome back Grads’ party in the apartment. I think the entire senior class might have attended, but it’s not like the place isn’t big enough to hold that many bodies. It was crazy, and Siobhan’s father let her go all out. He gave her money for a DJ, a bartender…everything. I was even looking forward it, despite the fact that things like that make me nervous. I don’t really like being in a place where there are a lot of people. I feel smothered, and I’m always afraid that I’m going to freak out and like…suffocate in the corner or something. But I guess I decided to calm down and try to have fun for Siobhan’s sake…

The only thing I neglected to remember, was the date of the party…and the significance of that date.

I was off my rocker by my eighth vodka and tonic, and found myself seated on some guys lap. I think his name might have been Adam, but I can’t be sure. I know he was really drunk too, and I realized just how drunk he was when he started kissing my neck and telling me how bad he wanted me. It triggered something in my mind. I remembered Justin…I remembered…I remembered what day it was. It was exactly three years to the date that my friendship with Justin fell apart. I know it’s gay…that I keep track of this stuff, but I haven’t been able to help myself. I can’t just forget like that. Just like I can’t forget what happened to me…how I almost got shot to death…how I was locked in that shed for all those hours.

I don’t remember how I got into the bedroom without Adam attached to me, but I do remember calling Justin. Hearing his voice sent a million lost memories rushing back to me. Memories that started to make me angry, and sick to my stomach. I was so drunk, I can’t even remember half the stuff I said to him. But I do remember the tone of his voice. He sounded so down…so lost, and I wish I could have stopped acting like a drunken fool for five seconds and asked him if he was okay. But I didn’t, and then he hung up on me.

I hope I didn’t set him off, or cause him to do something horrible to himself or somebody else. I’d never forgive myself.

I’ve been in frequent contact with my parents. Lately it’s been my father more than my mother. I used to talk to mom a lot more. She used to call me at least three times a day, always wanting to what was going on, or what I was doing on a particular day. It got annoying, and I started to feel like I was constantly being watched. Once I told her that I was going to a party with Siobhan, and she completely freaked. She told me that under no circumstances was I to go to any sort of wild ‘fling’. She said: ‘don’t you know what can happen at those things?’. I almost agreed with her, but then I thought about it, and asked myself if I was living for myself or to please her. I realized giving into my mother was taking a step back, and if I continued to do it…I would lose what little independence I have left. So I told her that I was going to the party and there was nothing she could do about it.

She doesn’t call so much anymore.

Lynn calls me sometimes, and it’s sort of weird. After Justin and I had our falling out, she would only call me at Christmas or on my birthday. It’s like she feels obligated to call me now or something. I mean, I don’t mind that she calls of course. Lynn has always been like a second mother to me, but I don‘t know, it always seems like she’s looking for more than just a ‘hello’, when she calls me. I think she’s trying to get me to talk about the kidnapping with her and I can’t say I blame her. I’m sure Justin is a lot more closed off about the subject than I am…that’s how he is. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell her what I think happened to Justin and shit. Even though I’m still mad about what happened between us before I flew back to New York…it wouldn’t be right of me to expose that kind of stuff to his mother. That’s his buisiness, and I know if things were the other way around, he’d give me the same respect.

“This one?”

I put down the lotion dispenser I’ve been gazing at and look over at her. “What’s that one do?” I move closer to Siobhan and survey the shower head in her hand. “Does it have five massage settings?”

She quickly glances at the package and then looks back at me. “It says it has seven.”

This is the first chance that we’ve had to go accessory shopping for the apartment. We’ve been so caught up with school, and parties, and getting all the furniture we want into the apartment, that we haven’t had the chance to shop. But today we have nothing better to do, as strange as that is…so we’re at Bed Bath and Beyond, trying to find the right kind of massaging shower head to install in the master bathroom. I’m trying to find the same one that the Tripton’s had, but I can’t remember exactly what it looked like. God, I’m so anal…I hate it. Before the kidnapping I was never this nit picky but now, it drives me crazy if everything isn’t set up exactly the way I want it to be. Siobhan knows that too, that’s why she waited until we both had a free day to shop together.

“The other one had five settings,” I tell her. “That’s not the right one.”

She rolls her eyes. “K, seven settings is better than five.”

“But what if it doesn’t feel the same,” I protest. “I mean, the jets are probably set up totally different. We can’t have that Sio.”

She sighs and shoves the shower head back onto the shelf. “Well then you look. I’m not going to stand here all day and fight with you over a damn shower head.”

I know her patience and understanding of my condition grows shorter every time I act like this. I feel bad. I wish I could snap my fingers and turn back into the old Kerri again. The one that wasn’t so anal. The one that slept at night. The one who didn’t have to drink herself into oblivion to get to sleep at night…

It started about a week after I arrived in New York. I started to have that dream again…the Saturday morning one. It really upset me because when I was back home, and Trace and I had resolved our differences ,the dreams stopped. The dreams…they’re really bad when I have them. Shane and Nathan are always there, and there’s always so much blood. And then I’ll see Justin. He’s always on his knees, begging me to help him. But I can’t help him…I can’t do anything for him…

I can’t sleep after I have the dream. It’s really hard on me, because I’ll always have school in the morning, and I can’t just not sleep. Drinking helps. It makes me drunk, and sleepy…and when you’re drunk and you fall asleep you don’t wake up. It’s probably a stupid thing for me to be doing. I mean, alcohol is a drug…an addictive one. I’m concerned that I’ll be come addicted and ruin my life. If Trace knew about what I was doing, he would kill me…but it’s easy to hide something like this from him. He hasn’t seen me face to face since I flew back here. I just hope that by the time he does find time to come visit, I can cover my ass. I’m a smart girl though…everybody tells me that, so how hard could it be?

Siobhan has made her way into the section across from me, and is looking at the towel racks. I think she can make that decision on her own though…I mean its just a towel rack, not the actual towel. Towels, lord…now that’s another story. I want white…but it has to be a really bright white, and it has to wear well. I want my towels to be fluffy and thick after every washing…and they have to be washed after every single use, I won’t tolerate filth…

My thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of my cellphone. Trace helped me pick this one out, after I told him what Nathan did to my other one. It’s really cool. It has a camera and a video camera, and it opens up into a little computer. I know I don’t need this big expensive phone, but Trace was so adamant that I get an advanced model, and I didn’t want to make him upset. He was so excited when I picked it out. He’s so weird…he’s all about camera’s and video equipment. I guess it’s cool though…I mean it shows he has a personality outside of his friendship with Justin. Justin hates all that technology stuff. It confuses him or something.

I pull my phone out of my purse, and glance at the ID. I smile when I see Trace’s name flashing on the screen. I haven’t heard from him in a few days, because he went to Hawaii with Justin, Elisha, and Cameron. I’m pretty sure he’s still there, and I really hope he’s having a good time. “Hello,” I answer cheerfully.

“Hey girl,” he chuckles lightly, but I know that something isn’t right. He sounds withdrawn, or tired…or something. “How you doing?”

“Fine,” I lie. “Sio and I are at Bed Bath and Beyond.”

“Oh cool…” his voice trails off, and I know that he hasn’t called to talk about what I’m buying right now.

“Trace,” I say, before he can speak again. “Are you okay? You sound, I dunno…tired or something.”

He sighs heavily into the phone. “I really need to talk to you, Kerri. It’s really important.”

I let out a nervous laugh. He’s starting to scare me now. What’s wrong with him? “I’m listening,” I whisper.

“No…I mean, I need to see you,” he informs me. “Like, soon. Tomorrow or the next day.”

He’s crazy. Doesn’t he know how much shit I have piled up right now? I have two papers due by Monday, and a shitload of homework to get done for my other classes. And on top of everything else, I have an interview with Z100 on Friday. Yeah, my good friend Jason, who I interned with last semester gave me a call last week. He graduated last year, and the station gave him a job right away. He’s doing the 10pm to 6am shift for now, but hell, it’s a job at Z100. He’s on the air. I told him how jealous of him I was. Then he laughed and told me I wouldn’t have to be jealous for long. He told me he put in a good word for me at the station with the right people, and now…I have the opportunity to get a full time radio spot. That is, if the interview goes well. God, that would be a dream come true. I’d be on the air…on the most popular station in New York City. I’d have a career. I’d have a fresh start…

But now Trace wants me to come see him?

No fucking way.

“This is a bad time,” I tell him. “I have a lot of shit going on right now.”

“Cancel your shit,” he orders. “This…this really can’t wait Kerri. You need to come out here.”

I’m so confused. God, why can’t he just tell me what his problem is? “What’s going on? Why do I have to come out there…and where the hell is there anyway?”

“Los Angeles,” he whispers. “It’s…it’s about Justin okay?”

The fact that he’s begging me to fly out to LA for Justin’s sake, makes me not want to go even more. As far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t deserve the time of day from me until he can get his fucking act together. Sure, I feel bad about calling him when I was messed up. But then…I wouldn’t have been messed up if it wasn’t for him. “I’m sure Justin can get through whatever it is without my guidance. I mean hell Trace, he’s made it this far without so much as a phone call from me. He doesn’t need me.”

“You don’t understand.” He sounds really upset right now. His voice is cracking, and I hate to admit it…but I know he’s in tears right now. And I know Trace…it takes a lot to make him break down like this. I start to feel nauseated, and lean against the shelf full of shower heads for support.

“Trace,” I say finally. “I need you to tell me exactly what the problem is.”

“Look,” he whimpers. “I’m…I’m really sorry to be calling you like this. It’s just…it’s been a really hard week for everybody. I just thought the right thing to do would be to call you up and tell you.” He pauses for a moment, and I hear him sniffle a little before continuing. “Justin is having a lot of issues right now. Ones that we can’t help him get past ourselves. Kerri…he checked into rehab yesterday.”

My mouth drops open. At first I’m speechless, my body stiffens with the shock of what he’s just told me. I…god, I didn’t know he was that fucked up. Wait okay…okay…maybe I did know. Maybe I knew it from the very beginning, after I had the ham sandwich that day. But if that’s the case, then it’s my fault that this is all happening. It’s all my fault. “Rehab?” It’s the only thing I can manage to say.

“Yeah.” He takes a moment to cry into the phone, and I don’t interrupt him. “He’s been…cutting himself.”

I feel my face begin to burn, and then I start to cry into the phone, forgetting where I am and that Sio is standing just a few feet away. “What do you mean,” I sob. “Trace…what do you mean!” I can’t believe I’m reacting this way. I knew…I was positive, that I didn’t give a damn about Justin anymore. Damn it, what the hell is wrong with me? Calm down! But I can’t. I feel horrible for him…for everybody involved. Justin needs me. And so does Trace. Everything else isn’t important enough to wait around for right now. The interview…the papers…the homework, it’s all going to have to wait.

“When should I come?” I ask him.

He clears his throat a little. “When can you come?,” he says raspily.

I think for a moment. Normally, I could pack a suticase and be to the airport in a little over an hour. But this situation is far from normal, and I’m scared. I mean, this is all so sudden, and I’m still in shock. I don’t think I could move that quickly. “I…I don’t know,” I whisper. “I mean christ…I’m so confused.”

“You’re confused?” he scoffs. “Jesus Christ Kerri, I’m the one that had to hear…I mean…god, just forget it. Just call me when you’re ready and I’ll get you a flight okay?”

He seems aggravated with me all of a sudden, like I shouldn’t be reacting this way…like I don’t know half the shit about Justin that he does. Where is his head? Damn it, I was fucking there. I feel a few tears glide down my cheeks, and I quickly wipe them away. “Stop it,” I snap. “Don’t act like I’m an outsider.”

He’s silent for a moment. He knows he’s not thinking straight right now, but to me…that’s no excuse. “Sorry,” he half whispers. “I’m sorry. I need you Ker. Nobody else knows about…well…you know.”

I close my eyes. I know now…Jusitn told Trace about…all that stuff. The stuff that I refused to talk about with him, or anybody else. It almost makes me proud of Justin, to know that he found the strength inside of him to come out and tell Trace about it all. But then I think about how the subject could have came up in the first place, and I’m sure he never meant to tell Trace as much as he did. God I’m so confused…and scared…and nervous. How can I do this? How can I go face Justin…after all the crap we’ve been through?

“You still there Kerri?”

I snap out of my daze in time to answer him. “Yeah, I’m here. I don’t know how fast I can get to the airport. I’ll have to call you when I’m ready to leave.”

“Oh.“ He sounds disappointed in my answer. “Well, don’t wait too long okay?”

“I’ll try not to.” It’s the best response I can give him right now. I don’t want to promise him anything, because if something goes wrong or I chicken out…he’ll be pissed that I promised I would rush out to LA. “I’ll call you when I’m ready.” I almost hang up, but then I hear him say my name again, and I can’t bring myself to.

“Kerri…I wouldn’t be asking you to put your life on hold unless I knew you could help him. But…I know you can help him. You were there with him.”

I feel my throat tighten, and I can’t speak for a moment. The truth is creeping over me now, reminding me of what I did to Justin before I left for the city. He wanted to talk, and I didn’t…so I pushed him away. What did he do then? Did he cut himself? I’m sure of it. God…what if that started it? Oh god… After a few moments, I finally find my voice again and manage to say: “If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be in that place right now, and I’m sure he knows that.”

“Kerri,” he sighs. “That’s not true. Those bastards put him in that place okay? I know you probably think you abandoned him when you went back to school, but you didn’t. You were just doing what you had to do.”

“Yeah,” I say softly. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“You need to get out here,” he reminds me. “You’re a mess too.”

“Don’t tell me what I am,” I say gruffly. “I can handle myself just fine.”

I can hear him shake his head. “Alright look…I’m gonna let you go, and hope that you call me before hell freezes over. Go home Ker…go pack and get out here. We’ll talk okay? Me and you.”

I know it would do me some good to see Trace again. I know I can talk to him, even though I’m a little annoyed with him right now. He understands me. Damn, maybe I should stop bullshitting around and get out there. “I’ll call you,” I say, not hinting at my feelings. “Bye, Trace.”

“I’m gonna call you in three hours,” he tells me.

I roll my eyes. “And if I’m not ready?”

He’s silent for several moments. He wants me to know that he’s not happy about my attitude…but I don’t care right now. “Then I guess you don’t give a shit.”

I shake my head, and without so much as a goodbye, I snap my phone shut. I close my eyes and grit my teeth. God…god he knows that I care. How the hell is he going to tell me that I don’t? Damn it, I know why. He’s trying to run the guilt trip past me. I shouldn’t give in, just because of that. But…I can’t help it. I feel obligated to go now. I mean, I don’t want Trace to think that I don’t care… and even though I hate to admit it, I don’t’ want Justint to think that I’ve turned my back on him completely.

“Kerri?”

I hear Siobhans voice behind me, and I slowly turn to face her. I think she heard everything I said to Trace, but that doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell her everything anyway. “Sorry about that,” I whisper. “Trace just…Justin is having problems.”

She nods her head slowly and places a hand on my shoulder. “Trace wants you to go out there?”

I don’t say anything, because I’m trying to prevent myself from bawling in the middle of the store. I bite my lip and nod a yes at her.

“Well,” she says softly. “I think you should go, wherever you’re supposed to go.”

“But what about everything else,” I say in a shaky whisper. “What about school and Z100 and…”

She stops me. “What about being a good friend K? I mean, I know you and Justin have had your differences and stuff…but I know you still have a soft spot inside of you for him. You can’t just turn your back on him now. I’m sure he really needs you, if Trace called you up like that.”

I hate that Siobhan is always fucking right. Suddenly, everything that was ‘piled up’ in front of me doesn’t seem that important anymore. All I can think about right now is Justin, and what he’s dealing with at this very moment. What kind of a place did they put him in? Is he scared? Is he angry? I need to find out, and the only way I can find out is if I get my ass out to Los Angeles. I pull Siobhan into a hug, grateful for her words of wisdom.

“Come on,” she whispers in my ear. “Let’s go and get you packed. You have a flight to catch.”

**********

I was packed and ready to go two hours after I got off the phone with Trace. I was worried about missing my classes, but Siobhan reassured me that she would go and get my assignments for me. I don’t know how my teachers are going to react to my sudden disappearance, but I hope they can understand that this is something I have to do right now. After Siobhan helped me to zip up my over packed suitcases, that was when the reality of the situation started to hit me, and I didn’t want to leave the apartment. I was going to get on Justin’s private jet. I was going to fly out to LA and see him, for the first time since our encounter on my front porch. I kept running over what I was supposed to say to him in my mind. I couldn’t figure it out though. I mean, what does somebody say in a situation like this? ‘Hi, sorry that you’re cutting yourself?’ I became so distressed, I curled into a ball on my bed and started crying. Siobhan tried to comfort me, and get me out of the house, but I didn’t want to be comforted. I told her that I was too scared to face Justin again, and that I was a coward. I told her to call Trace for me and tell him that I couldn’t come. And then…then she got mad at me. She told me that I was being selfish. Needless to say, I stopped crying, and I focused on yelling at her instead. Thinking about it now, I have to laugh a little. She knew throwing a comment like that at me would make me stop crying…for that moment anyway.

“How can you tell me that I’m selfish right now!” I screamed at her.

“Because you’re only thinking of yourself,” she said, matter of factly. “Your friend needs you, and all you can do is sit here and feel sorry for yourself.”

“He’s not my friend,” I said stupidly.

Then she rolled her eyes at me, and made that face. The one she always makes at me when she knows I’m being ridiculous. “He’s not? Then why are you crying?”

I felt stupid, because she was right. If Justin really wasn’t my friend, then I wouldn’t have been such a mess about going to see him. I knew I was just trying to hide from my problems again, but I’ve been hiding from my problems since I hung up on Justin that night. So, I decided to tough it up, and tell Siobhan exactly what my problem was. I mean, I’m sure she’d already figured it out for herself. Sio isn’t a stupid girl…but I had to talk about it with somebody before I got on that plane.

Siobhan reassured me that I was acting like anybody else in my situation would. She said that yes, Justin had made a lot of mistakes with me in the past, but that since I’d known him my entire life, I owed it to him to be there for him in his hour of need. I agreed with her, because she was right…and I knew it. Then I called Trace, and I told him that I was ready. He seemed relieved, and happy at the same time. I don’t think he believed that I was going to come out…

But here I am.

LAX reminds me a lot of JFK. They’re both about the same size, and they are equally as busy. The only thing I like better about LAX, is that it’s a lot cleaner. That’s a good thing. My anxiety level is through the roof right now, and if the bathrooms were disgusting here, I would probably have to hold it. I hate holding it. Thank god for hard working janitors….

I push my way out of the womens room, and glance at my wrist watch. It’s 4:30, and my flight got in at 4:00. Trace said he was going to meet me at my gate, and I’m sure he’ll be here…but I don’t see him yet. Maybe he’s caught in traffic? Yeah…that has to be it. Nothing bad could have happened to him right? Like a car jacking…god, what if he stopped for gas somewhere and some guy with a gun…

“So you made it.”

I whirl around quickly, and nearly faint when I see Trace standing there. Damn, I didn’t realize how worried I was. I hate this. Everything is negative…people in my life can’t be late. If they’re late, it always means the worst…

I hope Shane and Nathan are burning in hell.

I don’t smile, and quickly make my way over to him. I take in a deep breath, and let it out again. “I made it,” I say softly, and give him the once over. He’s dressed well, but when isn’t he? He looks good though, a lot better than the last time I saw him. He looks rested, and laid back. I’m sure that has a lot to do with Elisha giving him piece of mind. If he didn’t’ have her, I’m sure he would be just as much of a wreck as Justin is.

He manages to smile a little. “Well don’t just stand there girl. Give me a hug.”

He holds his arms open, and I walk into them. He pulls me close to him, and it’s so awesome to be getting a hug from Trace again. I feel safe, and secure and I start to realize just how much I’ve missed him since I’ve been gone. I wrap my arms around him and hold him for a few moments, before pulling away. I see a little wetness on his shirt, and realize that I’ve started to cry again. “Sorry,” I say, with a shake of my head. I reach out and try to wipe the tears off of his shirt, but it doesn’t really help. “Damn, your shirt.”

“I’m sure I’ll survive,” he chuckles. “How was your flight out?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I took a sleeping pill.”

He sighs. “It’s probably better that you did. I’m sure you need to rest and stuff.”

I just shrug. This is so awkward. I thought I would just be able to talk to him like before, but I don’t know, he seems so different now. I don’t know what it is. It’s like…part of him is gone or something. “It felt good to sleep,” I tell him, and it’s the truth. I don’t sleep much, and when I do, it’s only because I’m druink off my ass. The sleeping pill was good, but I don’t want to get into the pill habit. That can be more addictive than alcohol…and you can OD. “So what’s the plan?” I didn’t want to be the first one to ask, but I know that if I didn’t break the ice, Trace would just bullshit around until he could get me to do it for him.

He bites his bottom lip, before responding. “Well, Tiny is outside waiting for us. I figured we’d go home and get you settled in. Visting hours are over for the day…so we can’t go see him until tomorrow afternoon.”

When he says ‘home’, he means Justin’s new mansion in the Hollywood hills. I’ve never been there before, but from what Trace has told me, it’s really really awesome. It’s fourteeth century Mexican style or something…hell, I don’t even know what that means. All I know is: it’s really really big, and it cost him a ton of money to build. Well, a ton of money in my terms anyway. Money is no object to Justin…it never has been…

Not even when we had guns to our heads.

Trace walks me to baggage claim and tries to make small talk while we wait for my suitcases to come off the conveyor. He’s not really talking about anything important or interesting though. He’s mostly babbling about all the plans Elisha is starting to make for their wedding. He says hes starting to feel a little nervous, because they aren’t getting married until next fall and she’s already getting fitted for her dress. Normally, I would try to console him, but I don’t really feel like talking right now. I’m so nervous…in fact, when we get to the house, I’m sure I’m going to puke up breakfast.

“And like…there are copies of that bridal magazine, hell, I dunno what it’s called,” he continues. “It’s all over Justin’s house, and like…god Ker, I’m just so confused. She’s making this a big project, and I really just wanted to have a small wedding, ya know?”

I nod a little. “Well, marriage is a big thing,” I say quietly. I see my first suitcase come around the bend, and I quickly yank it off the conveyor. “She’s just excited. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

He shoots me an annoyed glance. “Thanks for the reassurance.”

I thought we were past this. I thought that Trace realized when we talk, and I don’t react to his problems like I should, that I’m just not in the mood to console him. But no, here I am in Los Angeles to see my friend who just happens to be in a mental ward, and all he can do is complain about his damn wedding. Well Trace you know what… “I don’t care,” I actually say the words outloud, and I want to die. I meet his gaze. Great, now he’s pissed at me.

“Thanks Kerri.” He frowns, and then my other bag comes around the bend. It’s the heavier of the two, and he helps me lift it off the conveyor and onto the floor. “Next time I guess I’ll go talk to Justin about what’s on my mind, even though he’s half dead.”

I shake my head. “You sound just like him,” I mutter. “A selfish, spoiled baby.”

He picks up my heavy suitcase, and glares at me. “Where is this coming from?”

“I killed myself to get out here.” My voice starts to quiver and I suck in a long breath before I start sobbing in front of him. “And all you can expect me to do is help you with your problems. Damn it Trace…I’m just not in the fucking mood okay? I’m a mess.” I pick up my other suitcase and start to walk ahead of him. He’s right beside me a few seconds later, but he doesn’t say anything to me. This is bad. I haven’t been in LA an hour yet, and I’m already fighting with my best friend. This isn’t supposed to happen. We’re supposed to comfort each other, and go home and talk about whats going to happen with Justin. But…nothing like that is going to happen. We’ll get to Justin’s and I’ll probably shut myself up in whatever bedroom has been set up for me. I’m sure Elisha will be there, and I’m sure Trace will spend the rest of the day with her. I’ll be alone…

I’m always alone.

We walk the rest of the way to the terminal exit in silence. I can feel Trace staring at me from time to time, and I’m tempted to say something else to him…but I don’t. I don’t’ want to start anything else with him right now. I just want to get in the car, and close my eyes and try to calm myself down. But I doubt that will happen. There’s simply too much to think about, and I’m sure Trace isn’t going to ignore me the whole trip.

We step outside the terminal, and I spot Tiny standing in front of a sleek black limousine. He sees us and waves, but doesn’t smile. He looks very alert, like some kind of secret service agent. God help the person that would try to rob us right now. I’m sure they wouldn’t live to tell the tale. “Hi, Tiny.” I manage a small smile, and hand the limo driver my suitcase.

He nods and grunts a small hello to me. It’s strange…he’s always been overly friendly towards me, but right now I‘d never know it. I remember, when I would tour with the guys he would always give me the biggest bear hugs, and tell me stories about his kids and his wife. But now, he seems so different. I’m sure I couldn’t spark up any sort of conversation with him right now. Damn, why is everybody changing? It’s scaring me…a lot more than I thought it would. I mean, I knew everybody was going to act a little differently after the kidnapping…but this much? I’m so confused, and I wonder if coming out here was really worth all of this stress.

“Kerri, come on.”

Trace is standing by the open limousine door, with an impatient look on his face. I don’t say anything to him, I just get in and lean back into the leather interior. I’m pissed off, and immediately, I’m reminded of that day I came home from the airport with Justin. Damn, I was so angry with him then. What if I hadn’t’ been? What if I could have put the past behind me for once, and learned how to get along with him again. If I had would I even be here right now? Would the kidnapping have even happened? I guess it would have. Shane seemed to know what he was doing up until Justin got a hold of that gun. But I dunno…maybe things would have been different. Maybe Justin and I wouldn’t have been fighting down in that basement…and maybe we wouldn’t’ have been separated for all that time. And then Shane wouldn’t have done what he did.

Right?