It’s one thing to be thrown into a situation that you have little or no control over. It’s another to have that situation snatch your sanity away from you, leaving you hopeless, and afraid of the world and the people you love. For the first time in my life I’m unconfident in myself. I close my eyes at night and think bad, dark thoughts about myself. Often I don’t want to live…and I never want to talk about how I feel with anybody. I know Trace is fed up, and I know Cam doesn’t know what else to do to make me feel better. That’s why she decided ‘it would be a really awesome idea’, if we all hightailed it over to Hawaii for ten days. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t tell her that. I’m tired of making life hard for Cameron. All she wants to do is love me, and have fun with me. I owe it to her to give her a little slack. I mean, there was a point in time that she thought I wasn’t coming home…but she waited for me. She didn’t just say ‘oh well fuck him’. I can’t give up. I have to keep going. I have to make her happy…I want her to be proud that I’m her boyfriend….

But the lack of sex in our relationship isn’t helping the situation at all.

Sometimes she tries it…in the middle of the night, or during a hot afternoon. Cameron has this way about her. She’ll get really silly, and really riled up and she’ll just want to go at it out by the pool, or on my kitchen floor. Before everything happened to me, I used to love it when she would get that way. She took sex to places I’d never been to before. She made it so much fun…so enjoyable and relaxing. When I was with Britney, sometimes sex seemed like a burden. When we would reunite after one of us had been away on a long tour, it almost felt as if the sex was keeping us together. I mean, I did love her…but at times I wondered if I loved her for all the right reasons.

I won’t let Cameron do it to me anymore though. I’ll shift away from her, or turn over so my back is toward her. Then she’ll ask me if I’m okay, and then I’ll let out a fake yawn and tell her I’m tired. Yeah, that worked for the first few weeks…but now I know that she’s not buying it anymore. She knows there’s something seriously wrong with me, but she’s so afraid of upsetting me that she won’t talk to me about how she feels. It makes me feel bad, because Cam and I used to be able to talk about everything and anything…we didn’t’ have secrets. That was the best part of us. But now the secrets are surrounding us, burying us in their deception. We can’t escape them…not until I come out about what happened with Shane. And I know that’s not going to happen…

Ever.

“It’s so beautiful out there.”

I unpack a few more of my t-shirts, and put them into the drawer before turning to face her. She’s standing near the sliding glass door, gazing out at the beautiful Pacific. I bet the water is really warm right now. It’s the perfect time of day to go out for a swim, or a surf. Cam taught me how to surf a little bit before the second leg of the tour started. I remember we went out in the middle of the water, and she showed me the basics: how to balance, how to grip the board with your feet. Then we just sat there and talked, and made out. And I realized that I was starting to fall in love with her. I wish I could go back to that time. I wish there was some kind of time machine hidden on this little island. I would jump inside of it and rewind my life back to that day, and I would make sure not to go pick up the cake for momma when the time came. God, I wish like hell I could feel normal again.

I slowly make my way across the room and over to her. I lightly place my hands on her shoulders and rub them a little bit. My hands start to tremble as they make contact with her smooth ivory skin, but I quickly gain control of myself. “Why don’t you go out there baby,” I suggest.

She looks over her shoulder and smiles at me a little bit. “Because you’re in here.”

I bit my bottom lip and tear my gaze from hers. “Don’t worry about me babe. I’m just not in the mood for the sun right now.”

She shrugs. “You’re never in the mood, Justin. For anything.”

I frown and pull back from her. I’m here aren’t I? I could have just told her that I had ‘stuff’ to do…but I didn’t did I? I came, I’m here, and all she can do is complain. I feel like screaming all of this at her, but I don’t. It would only start an argument that I’m positive I don’t want to deal with right now. So I’ll just go sit over there and watch the TV, while she sulks by the window…

The door swings open suddenly. I gasp and nearly jump out of my seat. My hands grip the arms of the chair tightly, hanging on for dear life. Who’s there? I’m shaking now…

“What are you two doing inside?” Elisha steps into the room and shoots me a disapproving look. “It’s fucking beautiful outside, and Trace just fired up the grill. That guy at the service counter gave him a kick ass recipe for Mahi Mahi. I don’t want to be the only one to take on the adventure,” she whines.

Cameron laughs, and turns around. Her sad expression has been replaced with that playful, energetic one I used to love. “Trace is making fish?,” she giggles. “I have to see this.”

She holds out her hand to me, and her expression is telling me that I better get up and stop spoiling our time. But I won’t take it. I’m so fucking miserable. I just want to crawl inside myself and die. I don’t want to go in the sun. I don’t want to watch Trace and Elisha make out by the grill, as if everything is perfectly fine. I don’t want to see Cameron sit at one end of the deck, while I sit at the other. It will make me more uncomfortable. I’ll start to sweat…I hate sweating…

I’ll just stay in the air conditioning and watch Judge Judy.

“Justin.” Elisha is standing over me now. “Come on, we’re in Hawaii. You can’t tell me sitting in here is better than watching Trace attempt to cook us dinner.” She smiles at me and then sticks her hand out. “Please say you’ll come outside.”

I fold my arms across my chest, and shoot both of the girls a stubborn look. “Maybe in a little,” I say quietly. “You guys go outside, and I’ll see how I feel in a bit.”

Cameron says nothing to me. She only sends me another hateful look, and storms out. I hear the door slam shut after a moment, and it causes me to flinch a little. Man, I feel like a real asshole right now.

Elisha doesn’t move from her position. But I guess I should expect this from her. At times, she acts so much like Trace it scares me. She cares about me…like a sister would. I don’t get it. She hasn’t known me that long, and she doesn’t know how moody I can be. But I don’t think she cares. She’s a friend.

I guess I should be thankful that she isn’t giving up on me right now.

“What’s going on today?,” she asks me. “Trace says you’ve been quiet.”

I shrug. “I’m not in a talkative mood today,” I say to her. “Do I have to smile twenty four hours a day, ‘lish?”

“Nobody said that,” she tells me. “We’re just worried about you, Justin. You’re our best friend and we want you to be okay.”

“I’m as good as I’m going to get for now.“ I get up from the chair and open the door for her. As much as I know she wants to help right now, I don’t want her to. I want to be left alone…I need to be alone. “Don’t worry about me. Just go out there and enjoy yourselves, okay?”

She sighs. I know she wants to push me more, but she won’t. She knows my temper has been running short lately. Hell, when we were on the plane flying over here, I practically lost my mind because I couldn’t find my fucking walkman. I think I scared everybody, but I didn’t’ care. Music helps me tune out the world…it helps me hide from the reality of my life. Without it, I have to face everything. It’s a good thing Trace packed a spare CD walkman that day, or I might have punched him in the face.

“Well, how about I come back and get you when the food is ready?,” she offers.

I force a smile. “That’s good,” I say. “I’ll see you then.” I don’t even give her the chance to say goodbye. I practically push her out the door, and shut it in her face. I know that was a shallow thing to do, but I can’t deal with Elisha and her questions right now.

I’m happy to be alone.

I sit myself down on the couch and turn the TV on, hoping there is some mindless sitcom on that will pull me away from reality for the moment. I flip through the channels for awhile, trying as hard as I can not to land on a news station. I did that once…about a week ago. I turned the TV on, and the five o’clock news was on. They were talking about the kidnapping, and I nearly vomited all over my carpet. That would have sucked too, because I had just gotten it shampooed a few days before hand. Somehow, I managed to hold back though, but I couldn’t change the channel. I was frozen…my body had lost all of its feeling. All I could do was sit and stare. And then…then they showed his fucking face. ‘Shane Loman’, they called him. Loman. The name made my heart start to race and my head start to spin. It still does. Loman…Low man. A lowly man. That’s what he was…that’s what he fucking turned me into. Yeah me, and his little friend. The news people said they were brothers…the police told me that too. It explains why they looked alike.

Shane Loman had a huge record with the police and child protective services. He’d been in and out of jail since he was sixteen. And it was all in relation to domestic disturbance…and sexual abuse. They labeled him a ‘sex offender’. That’s not right term for him though. He was so much more than that. I can’t even think of a good term…because the words probably don’t exist in the English language. I guess reptile is a good way to describe the bastard. Or scum. A scummy reptile.

I cringe. His face is right there in front of me…floating in the middle of the room. I blink my eyes a few times, but it doesn’t help. He starts to take form. First the neck. Then the chest and arms. Then the lower torso and legs. Now he’s right in front of me. I’m numb, and I can’t tell how badly I’m shaking or anything like that. I can’t move…I hardly breathe.

“I missed you,” he whispers.

I feel a few warm tears make their way down my face, and I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful I can feel something. “Don’t,” I grunt at him. “Get out.”

He smiles, and makes his way across the room and over to me. He begins to caress my face with his hand, but somehow I find the strength to slap it away. “I said don’t,” I snap at him.

He doesn’t listen though. He pushes me down on the couch and gets on top of me. Then he starts kissing me, and…and touching me. I try to push him off of me, but he’s so heavy…like dead weight. I can’t move him. I’m weak again, and I start to cry. “Stop it!” I cry. “Get off!”

“Justin?”

It’s not Shane’s voice. It’s somebody else’s. I look up into Shane’s evil black eyes, and he smiles and disappears. I sit up quickly, and try to wipe the feeling off of me. I brush harshly at my shirt and jeans. I smell myself…I don’t want to smell like him. But there is no smell, and my clothes…they aren’t wrinkled or anything. What the hell happened?

“What’s the matter J?”

I look up and see Trace standing over me. How long has he been here? I straighten myself and quickly turn back to the TV. “I’m cool,” I say pathetically.

Trace doesn’t respond, but he does roll his eyes. Who am I trying to kid? Trace knows me…better than anybody. He knows that I’m not okay, and I’m sure it’s pissing him off that I’m trying to come off like everything is fine. But then, I always do this to him, so I guess he’s used to it.

“Here.” Trace hands me a beer, before taking a seat next to me on the couch. “Drink it. It’ll calm you down.”

I’m about to tell him that I’m calm enough, but then I don’t, because I know he wont’ want to hear it. Instead, I do what he tells me to do. I raise the bottle to my lips and guzzle down the cold beer. It feels good, and it makes me want to drink about ten more. But I know I can’t do that. I don’t want to become dependant on alcohol or drugs. I already do…what I do. If I went down that road…the chemical dependency road…my life would truly be over.

“You’re really pissing your girl off,” Trace says after a few minutes. “You should go out there and tell her that you’re okay or something.”

I finish my beer and put the empty bottle on the little table in front of me. “She’ll be okay.” I try to sound convincing but fail miserably. “I’ll go outside later on. It’s just too hot right now.”

“Too hot? Justin, it’s beautiful out there. Come on, take off your shirt, and put your trunks on. It’s perfect weather for it.” He stands up and takes his shirt off. He balls it up in his hands and flings it onto the couch. It lands next to me, and I can smell the faint scent of his cologne. I pick up the shirt and drop it onto the floor. The smell of men’s cologne makes me nauseous these days…any kind. I won‘t wear any, it reminds me of Shane. Man, I’m so lame.

“Maybe we’ll get tans this year,” he laughs.

I try to join him in his amusement, but I can’t. Trace knows damn well that every summer we say we’re going to get those surfer tans we’ve always wanted, we only end up getting bad sunburn in the end. I’m not getting it this year though. I’m really uncomfortable taking my shirt off in front of people as it is. If I get sunburn, I know Cam is gonna want to rub some aloe on my back and shit. Then she’ll have to touch me…like he touched me.

I’ll just stay in the air conditioning and watch Judge Judy.

“Come on man, what the hell are you waiting for?” He stands in front of the television and places his hands on his hips. “I cleared out your schedule for this shit, J. You need to enjoy yourself. In a month or two, everything is going to be back to normal again. We’re going to be rushing around…we have the club tour, and then Europe. If you don’t relax now, you’re going to regret it. And then all I’ll hear is ‘damn, Trace…I just want a break’.”

I can’t help but glare at him. I don’t want to , but he’s making it sound like I’m this big ungrateful bastard. I appreciate everything he’s doing for me…I really do. But it’s like he doesn’t know how grateful I am to him. It’s pissing me off. “I am relaxed,” I snap. “I’m sitting here in the air conditioning, enjoying an afternoon of pointless sitcoms. How is that not relaxing, Trace?”

“You’re shutting us out,” he nods. “I walked in here before, and you were like…freaking out again. Is that supposed to make me think that you’re relaxing?”

I grit my teeth and ball my fists tightly. He’s really pushing it right now, and I’m pretty sure he knows that too. But Trace…he’s too bold to give a damn. I don’t realize that I’ve stood up, until I find myself standing in front of Trace, my face pressed close to his. I start to shake a little. I’m afraid…I’m really close to him. What if I lose it and like…kiss him or something?

“What J?,” he scoffs, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Are you going to punch me in the face because I care?”

I feel like I should hug him, and break down and tell him everything. If I told him…I would feel so much better. I would be able to go outside and enjoy myself. I wouldn’t’ have to worry about people finding out. I could just go and talk to Trace about it all. I mean I’ve always done it in the past…he knows everything about me. What’s one more secret? What’s one more…

A freak. That’s right. I am a freak. I slap his hand away and back away from him. “Don’t touch me,” I snarl. “Just leave me alone.”

Trace’s nostrils flare, and his face turns a little red. He’s pissed…at me. I can’t remember the last time Trace was really pissed off at me. He has a really bad attitude when he’s pissed off. I tremble harder. I don’t know what he might do if he reaches the breaking point.

“You’re a fucking mental case.” He points his finger at me roughly as he says the words to me. “And I’ve put up with it this far, but I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I know something is going on with you. I see it on your face every day. It’s like you’re lost…and you can’t find your way back. And Justin, you won’t let me fucking help you!” he yells. “Don’t you know that it kills me more every time you shut me out of your life?” He runs his hands through his hair, and down the back of his neck. “I feel like I’m losing my best friend here. I mean…Justin…” his voice quivers a little and he sucks in a breath. “I don’t know who the hell I’m dealing with anymore.”

I try to say something to him, but I know anything I could say right now would just piss him off more. I’m not going to confess to anything. So, anything I tell him will be a lie. I look at the floor. Don’t give up, Trace, I beg silently. Not yet. “Please don’t be mad,” I manage to say, still keeping my gaze on the floor.

But then I hear the door open and shut. I look up quickly. He’s gone…and I’m all alone…

Fuck.

CAUGHT