It‘s three am on a Saturday morning. I’m wide awake because my roommate is having sex with her boyfriend in the next room and her headboard keeps colliding with the wall. It’s annoying…I know I have to be up for that stupid foreign language class in a few hours, and at this rate, I‘ll be falling asleep in my book.

Justin is in the city though…so I call him, just to pass the time. He seems happy to hear from me even though it‘s the middle of the night, but why wouldn’t he be? We had a lot of fun yesterday. I love spending time with him. He really gets me…

I think…I think I like him. Like…more than a friend like him. Trace is going to shit.

“What are you doing right now?” he asks me, the hint of playfulness in his voice not going unnoticed by me.

“Well,” I smile. “I was sleeping, but my roommate is banging her boyfriend in the next room…so I‘ve basically abandoned that idea.”

“Awww,” he chuckles. “Well hey…you can come here.”

I sit up a little. “To the Trump?

“Yeah,” he yawns. “It‘ll be…fun.”

“Okay.” I smile and hang up the phone. It’s not long before I’m dressed and out the door. I don’t think Siobhan knows I’ve left, but she wouldn’t care anyway. I stand on the corner and hold my hand out to hail a taxi. I’m relieved when the first one I see stops for me. I thrust open the door, and get inside. “Trump Towers, please.” I say, not being able to hide the excitement in my voice.

The cab surges forward on my command, and I sit back and relax for a moment. I know I should be sleeping right now, but this is Justin. I never get to have fun with Justin anymore. I wish I could just say fuck it all and get on that plane with Justin tomorrow night. I wish I could travel all over the world with him like Trace does, and experience the good life. I would be his girl…his everything. And he would be my everthing. Hell, he already is my everthing…

“So you’re going to see somebody?”

I perk up a little at the cabbie’s question. Usually, I hate talkative cabbies, but I’m in such a good mood, I don’t care right now. “Yes,” I tell him.

He stops at the red light and turns back to face me. “It’s a little late don’t you think.”

My breath catches in my throat, when I realize who is driving this cab. My god…no…it can’t be…

“You sure you don’t want to come with me, sweetness?” Nathan pulls his gun out, and flashes me an evil little smile. “I could show you a good time.”

I lean back into the seat. I don’t move, I barely breathe. “What…what are you doing?”

“There’s one bullet in here.” He pops out the chamber of the gun and spins it a few times. “If I pull the trigger, what do you think will happen?” He pops the chamber back into place, and points the gun at me.

“I…I don’t know,” I whimper.

“Why don’t we find out?”

My terror takes the form of an icy hand. It pulls me up from this place, reaches into my insides and sits me up straight. I’m shivering, gasping, my sweat cold, my shirt sticking to my back. I sob a little. The dream…it seemed so real. Nathan was there. He wasn’t dead…he was fine. Oh god. My eyes scan the room frantically, searching for any sign of warmth, comfort…safety. But it’s dark…so fucking dark. Where am I? I close my eyes, and try to clear my head. I need to think…what happened before I fell asleep? Where was I? Visions of a little boy flash through my mind. He’s scared, he doesn’t know who I am.

The house…I remember the house. Right. The Triptons, that was their name. We knocked on their door and they helped us. I slept and I took a shower and ate some pancakes. The police came…right…

The police talked to Justin for a good hour, before he broke down and told them he couldn’t talk about it anymore. I guess, he pulled that gun out of his pocket, and had to explain why he had it and what he used it for. I know that was hard for him…having to talk about how he shot those bastards. I wonder if he’s doing okay right now. Is his family taking their time with him…are they comforting him? Did his girlfriend come, and if she did…does she understand that he needs his space? Does she understand that he probably isn’t the same guy she knew before this happened?

After Justin gave his statement to the police, they wanted to talk to me next. I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to relive the whole thing so soon after it happened. Thankfully, I didn’t have to put up a protest. The paramedic, God bless him…he interrupted us and told the police that he really wanted to get us to a hospital so we could get examined. He said that he could tell we were dehydrated, and that Justin needed to get his chest x-rayed. The police agreed, half heartedly of course. They promised me that they would be coming to see me at some point though.

I’m not looking forward that.

The lights snap on suddenly, and I gasp a little. I had no idea there was anybody else in the room with me. I shield my eyes, partially from the brightness, and partially from the fear that one of my captors is going to be standing there with his gun pointed at me. I’m scared…Don’t let them hurt me…

“Kerrigan.”

The voice is soft, and welcoming. I know it can’t possibly be Shane or Nathan, so I take my chances and look toward the voice. My mother is standing at the bedside. Her expression is sad, pained. She looks like she hasn’t slept in about a month. I know I should be happy to see her. After all, if things had gone Shane’s way…I would be dead and buried right now. But I can’t find it in me to be excited about her presence. I don’t think I’m ready to talk to her yet, about anything. The only person I could talk to right now, I realize…is Justin. But I’m not about to ask for him. I’m sure he’s off in his own room…with his own family. He’s just fine. I don’t need to go and remind him of everything we’ve been through this weekend. There will be time for that later, I’m sure. “Hi, mom.” I try to force a smile, but it’s not working. I’m still tired…still exhausted from everything. I could probably fall back to sleep if given the chance, but it’s better if I don’t. I don’t want to have another horrible nightmare. I don’t want to be haunted by the memory of those bastards again today…or tonight…which one is it anyway?

Damn, here I am safe and sound, and I’m still oblivious to what time it is. I need to get out, I need to start living again, before the kidnapping has the chance to take over me again. Tomorrow, yeah…tomorrow I’ll go out. I don’t care if I’m not ready to or whatever. I’m going. I’ll get in my car and drive to the mall. I’ll go clothes shopping, and spend money like I’m as rich as Justin…even though the money in my debit account is supposed to be for school expenses. It will feel good, and I’ll feel alive again. I’ll get Trace to come…yeah, it’ll be like nothing ever happened. “What…what time is it?”

“It’s nearly four, you fell asleep after the doctor finished his examination.” My mother sits down on the bed, and gives my hand a little rub. “How do you feel?” she asks.

I shrug. “I’m…tired I guess,” I whisper. “Is daddy here?”

My mother shakes her head. “He was,” she says. “But Mary was getting so tired…he had to take her home. He wanted me to tell you he loves you.”

“Oh,” I say. I’m a little disappointed that he couldn’t wait around. I mean, he’s my fucking father. Why couldn’t he have Lucinda watch Mary? What do my parents pay her for? Now I’m getting angry…I’m getting angry and I’ve barely been talking to my mother for ten minutes. “Well, I guess if that’s good enough for him, it can be good enough for me.” I turn away from her, and feel the tears start to run down my cheeks. I brush them away quickly. I don’t want my mother to see me like this. I never cry in front of my parents. It’s one of those things that I just don’t’ do. I haven’t done it since that time I fell and hit my head in Justin’s basement. I guess it’s because I wanted them to see that I could be strong, no matter what the situation. I wanted them to leave me alone, I guess…and I didn’t ever want to be separated from Justin again.

“Kerrigan, please,” my mother says after a moment. “You know your father. He doesn’t deal with this type of thing well. He’s…he’s never had to before.”

“Okay,” I tell her. My bottom lip quivers, and I bite down on it. I won’t let her know what this is doing to me. I won’t.

“I was so worried,” she continues on. “I…I didn’t think you were ever going to come home,“ she begins to sob. “Oh god…my baby almost died!”

I turn over and look at her again. She’s hysterical. Oh god. Here we go. As if it weren’t enough that my father has practically deserted me in my hour of need…now I have to deal with my emotional wreck of a mother. I have to comfort her. Damn it, how the hell am I supposed to do it right now? I’m the one that needs to be comforted. Jesus…I didn’t think coming home would be this hard. “Mom it’s okay,” I mutter. “I’m not dead. I’m here…so, just calm down.”

She doesn’t hear me though. She only starts to cry harder, and then she pulls me to her. I don’t want to be touched right now. Dammit, I need some space…some time to think about all of this. Doesn’t she understand? “Mom!” I don’t realize how loud I’ve said it, and I don’t realize that I’ve physically pushed her away from me, until I see the shocked expression on her face. But I don’t stop there. My thoughts are crazy…jumbled up. “Just…just leave me alone okay? I …I don’t need you here acting…like you act. I can‘t deal with your fuckin‘ emotional problems right now.”

She doesn’t say anything. She only stares at me in disbelief. She probably doesn’t know me right now. She’s probably wondering what happened to her darling daughter. Well, I’m here mom. I’m here somewhere. But it’s going to take me a long time to come out of my shell. You have to understand. Please understand.

“I…you must be hungry.” She forces a smile and turns toward the door, as if nothing I‘ve just done or said has effected her in any way. “I’ll go get you one of those nice sandwiches from the café okay?”

Not wanting to prolong the discomfort between us any longer, I simply nod and say: “Yea, that sounds nice mom.” I’m not hungry. Not at all. I ate plenty at the Tripton’s house, and I know if I ate anymore right now I would probably vomit again. But I don’t want to tell her no. I know she’s trying…she wants to help me. And I’m treating her like garbage. I know I shouldn’t have said what I said, or pushed her like I did. I’m sure my father will have a talk with me about it later, and I know that it‘s not going to go well either.

She smiles triumphantly, as if she’s won some kind of contest with me. I guess it’s okay to let her think that she’s helping. It’s better than having her feel like a failure. She’s a mess right now…she needs to feel good about herself. I need to make her feel good. My own feelings will have to wait. But then again, they always seem to wait when it comes to my mother. She’s so eccentric, it’s like walking on pin cushions to keep her emotions in check. When I was in high school it really used to get to me. When I would have a problem, and my mother was having one of her ‘bad days’, it was like I didn’t even exist. My father would be so busy trying to get my mother through her ‘episode’, he wouldn’t’ have time to hear about how I failed my History test…or that I was nervous about how my term paper came out. I was glad to have a close bond with Justin in those days. Being able to call him and talk to him was therapy in itself. He listened then…he cared. And he always had good advice to give me about what was going on in my life, even if he was an entire continent away. To be honest, I have no idea how I would have survived my high school years without him. Hell, I don’t know how I would have survived the kidnapping without him, and right now, I wish to god he was here, telling me everything is going to work out.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” my mother reassures me. “If you need anything while I’m gone…there’s a nice nurse down the hallway. Just hit that little button on the wall behind you, and she‘ll come.”

“Okay.” I force a smile, and let it fade as soon as she’s gone. I bury my head in my hands. I don’t want her to come back. I throw the blanket over me. Maybe if I stay under here, and lay really really still…she’ll think I’ve run off somewhere. God…I’m really desperate aren’t I?

“You know,” I hear a masculine voice say. “If you really want to get away from the crazys in the hallway…it‘s better to lock yourself in the bathroom. At least then…you can tell whoever it is that you‘re taking a dump.”

I slowly tug the covers off of my head, and Trace immediately comes into view. He looks a little bit better…a little more relaxed and awake. I hope he slept a little bit. “I yelled at my mother,” I admit. I look down at my hands, and start to pick at my fingernails. “I…I didn’t mean to. But she was just being so damn clingy, Trace.”

“It’s not your fault, Kerri.” I hear his reassuring tone in my ear, and I look up. He’s sitting on the bed now, rubbing his hand on my shoulder. “You’ve just…been through hell,” he says softly. “Nobody can blame you for being in a mood right now.”

I lean my head on his shoulder, and let him wrap his arms around me. I feel safe again, and I start to calm down. I wish he would do this all night…I wish he would make it so my mother would have to leave, and the only person I would have to deal with is him. I can handle Trace. Trace won’t cry, or carry on like my mother. He’ll sit here, and listen. If I want to talk I can…and if I don’t, he’ll just sit here and comfort me. He knows me so well…he’s the only person I want around me, with the exception of Justin.

Justin…

“H-have you talked to Justin,” I ask him after a moment. I pull back from him slightly, and look into his eyes. He seems a little worried now, and I hope that I haven’t just struck a cord with him.

“I did before,” he says quietly. “He’s really tired though. I guess all those examinations the doctors did on him, drained the rest of his energy.”

“Oh…well, did they find anything?”

“He has two fractured ribs,” Trace nods. “But the doctor says he’ll be fine in a couple of weeks, so long as he gets plenty of rest and stays off of his feet.” He detaches his arms from around me and pulls his baseball cap off, running his hands through his dark brown curls. “I guess that’s good though,” he chuckles. “Justin wanted an excuse to do nothing this break.”

I don’t laugh. There are plenty of ways Justin could have been lazy on his vacation…he didn’t’ need to get the crap kicked out of him in order to do it. I feel myself start to choke up again, and I try to swallow back the feeling. I don’t feel like crying right now. I want to sit here and have a normal conversation with Trace. I want to be normal again.

“Kerri…” Trace speaks up before I can think of another topic to discuss.

I meet his gaze again. This time his eyes are full of questions though…questions I don’t know if I can answer. “Yeah?”

“You…you’d tell me if something happened to him, right?” He stares into my eyes, seemingly searching them for an answer.

I’m confused. Tell him? Tell him what? What’s to tell? We were kidnapped, we were tortured. What more is there to say? “What do you mean?”

“It’s just…” he pauses and lets out a little sigh. “He’s just…acting weird.”

I shrug. “It’s a weird situation, Trace. How do you want him to act…like everything is okay? That nothing happened to us?”

“No.” He shakes his head roughly. “Come on Ker, listen to me…there’s something…there’s more to this, that’s all I’m saying. Did anything happen…anything really really extreme?”

It was our secret! You promised Shane! I cringe. I can’t talk about this stuff with Trace. It’s not my place to. This is Justin’s business…this is what he went through. For me to make an assumption, even if it’s the right assumption, and talk to Trace about it, would be wrong. “I can’t talk about this,” I say quietly.

He squeezes my hand a little. “Kerri, please,” he pleads. “If something happened…we need to take care of it now. Come on girl, you know me…you know how close Justin and I are…you can tell me anything. I‘ll understand okay?”

“I don’t know anything,” I say firmly. “I can’t tell you what I don’t know.”

“Kerri you were with him the entire time,” he informs me. “Please, you know how Justin is…he won’t talk to me. He just keeps telling me that he’s fine. It’s a bunch of shit.”

I feel the tears build up behind my eyelids, and I try, but I can’t prevent them from flowing down my face. “I wasn‘t with him the entire time,” I grunt. “I was with him for awhile and then…they locked me in this shed for…God, I don’t even know how long. I don’t know what happened while I was in there.” I run a hand through my hair. “I…I almost died in that fuckin thing.” I close my eyes and am reminded of the darkness…of the shed, of the house. I can smell it again…the dirt and the mold and the dust. I shake my head roughly, and open my eyes again. I’m still in the hospital, and Trace…he’s still here. I’m okay… “Don’t you understand,” I whisper to him.

He doesn’t say anything, and I hope he realizes that he’s being too pushy right now. I mean, I understand that he’s worried about Justin, but that doesn’t mean I can just go ahead and talk about all of this stuff right now. “Trace…” I croak.

“I…I didn’t know,” he whispers, not meeting my gaze. “I didn’t, and I’m really sorry. This whole thing…it has my nerves all fucked up. I just want you guys to be okay, and I guess…I can‘t understand that you aren‘t going to come out and talk about everything right away.” He shrugs a little bit, and rubs his eyes with his hand. “Hell girl,” he chuckles sadly. “Part of me is starting to wish I was in there with you.” He finally meets my gaze and takes my hand in his. “At least then…I would get it, you know?”

Jesus, I wouldn’t wish what Justin and I have been through on anybody, especially Trace. Doesn’t je understand? We went through a hellish ordeal. We were locked up, beaten…we had guns to our heads. “Don’t say that,” I snap, and fold my arms under my breasts. “You…you weren’t there okay? You should be thankful for that. You should be thankful that you don’t know what it feels like to have a gun held to your head.”

My response seems to shock him. I…I don’t think he knows exactly how to react to my comment. The only thing he can seem to do right now is stare at me, with those big brown eyes of his. I tear my gaze from his. I don’t want him to look at me like that…like I’m scaring the hell out of him. “Trace…I…”

He opens his mouth to say something, but is interrupted at the sound of my mother’s voice. I groan softly. This isn’t a good time for her to return.

“They had turkey and cheese.”

I glance toward the doorway. Sure enough, she’s standing there, sandwich in one hand, soda in the other. “Thanks,” I say, trying to manage a smile for her.

She crosses the room and hands me the sandwich and soda. I take them from her, and put them on the nightstand. I can’t eat. No way. I look back to Trace. His eyes are glazed over…he doesn’t know what to do. I know he wants to cry, but he won’t let himself do it in front of me. I wish he would. Maybe then…maybe then I would feel more compelled to talk about everything with him.

“Honey, will you eat?,” my mother continues. “You know, if you don’t eat…you’ll be sick.”

“She’s okay,” Trace speaks up for me. “She ate a lot back at the house.” He smiles at my mother, and takes her by the hand as he gets up from the bed. “Lynn’s been asking about you…she told me she wanted to talk to you when you had the chance.”

That’s a lie, but I’m not going to stop Trace from getting my mother away from me. I know Lynn will play along. She knows how eccentric my mother is, and I’m sure she’ll understand that my mother was driving me crazy. “Yeah,” I say. “Go ahead, mom…I’ll be fine.”

“Well…as long as you eat your sandwich at some point…” Her voice trails off, and she lets Trace lead her to the doorway.

“Hey,” Trace says, once my mother is out of the way.

I smile a bit. “Hey,” I say. “I…I shouldn’t have said…”

He holds his hand up. “We’re both screwed up Kerri,” he nods. “Whatever you say right now…it won’t matter in a few days. The only thing that will really matter is that you’re okay. So don’t worry, alright?”

His speech seems sincere enough, and I slowly lean back into my pillows. He’s given me a little reassurance. I think…I think I’ll be okay. I don’t know how long it will be until I’ll feel like myself again, but I know in my heart, I’ll get there. “Thanks,” I tell him.

“I love you Kerri.”

He really means it, with his whole heart. I love him too, but right now, I’m too overcome with emotion to say the words back to him. “I know.” Is all I can manage.

He bites his bottom lip, like he’s ashamed that he said the words to me. “Bye, Ker. I‘ll be back a little later.”

I give him a little wave and watch him go, wondering if I’ve just made him feel worse. But then…I don’t care right now. I’m too messed up to care. All I want to do is get over my aches and pains and go home. I want to see my sister, I want to try and talk to my father…although I don’t know what the outcome of that conversation will be. I want to go shopping, and call Siobhan and tell her about all this. I mean, I’m sure she knows what’s going on by now, but I still haven’t called her, and I know that until I do she’s going to be wondering…

“Kerri?”

I look toward the doorway, and my eyes widen. “Siobhan?”

She enters the room. She looks disheveled, like she just rolled out of bed. I’m shocked…that’s very unSiobhan like. I always get mad at her, because usually even the simplest trip to the grocery store involves Siobhan spending a half hour in the bathroom, getting herself together. “God, you don’t even know what I had to go through to get a flight on short notice.” She drops her duffle bag on the floor, and rushes over to my bedside.

I don’t know who grabs who first, all I know is that I’m hugging her tighter than I ever have before…and I’m crying…I’m allowing myself to cry now. It’s okay. I know I can. She won’t go crazy and wail and carry on like my mother, or sit here and interrogate me like Trace was. She’ll be my friend…my giggling stupid girlfriend. That’s what I need. I finally pull away from her. “Thank you,” I say softly.

She wipes a few of my tears off my face with her hand, and flashes me a small smile. “I know Justin‘s cute, K. And I know that you‘ve known him way too long,” she whispers. “But…I really think you’d be better off with Marvin in 2b. He’s only worth about a hundred grand…and he smells like a fish. I doubt anybody is going to come looking for him. I think you should go to his family reunion next year.”

The shield of fog and confusion that has built up over the last three days, suddenly seems to subside. I see Siobhan, the room…everything in a whole new light. This is life again, it’s not a kidnapping anymore. Hell, if I sit back and try really hard, I bet I could pretend that I just got my tonsils out or something. I feel myself smile, picturing Marvin from 2b in my mind. He’s got a thing for me and Sio. We caught him taking pictures of us once, while we were walking down the hall. I mean, I guess he could be cute if he lost about fifty pounds and didn’t smell like a fish. God…gross. “Oh god,” I laugh.

She winks at me. “I’ll get you the hook up, K,” she reassures me. “Then you can get married and have a smelly little fish kid.”

Then I feel it. The laughter rises out of me, and for the first time in three days, all I can do is throw my head back, and laugh out loud.

******

Last year, I broke my leg I was supposed to do some big choreographed number for the an award show, but during one of my rehearsals, I slipped and landed hard on my right leg, causing the bone to snap in half. Damn, I can still remember how much it hurt. I’d broken bones in the past…my arm once, and my wrist a couple of times. But that kind of pain couldn’t compare to the pain my leg was in. At first, I couldn’t even feel it. My leg was numb, and for a moment I thought it might have fallen off or something. Then I looked, and saw the bone poking through my skin. Then…that’s when I felt the pain. And I passed out.

I remember, when I first got to the hospital I was still in a lot of pain. So much, that I was nearly in tears. I felt like a pussy, and I told the doctor that. He informed me that the easiest way to distract myself from the pain, was to focus my mind on something simple…like a picture on the wall. So I did. I guess I was really into the picture…I can still remember what it was. Clowns. There were five of them standing in a row, and at the end of the row there was this little dog. It had a cigar in its mouth…

Jesus, how do I remember shit like this?

Breaking your leg really sucks. You can’t dance, you can’t run…you can’t work out. The only thing you can really do is hobble around like some kind of gimp, and hope your friends don’t point and laugh at you. I had to have this big brace on my leg the entire time too…so it even made the hobbling part hard. I was in a wheelchair a lot, but it sort of worked in my favor. We went to the Playboy mansion for Trace’s birthday that year. They had these women with humongous tits, dressed as nurses. They were my escorts for the evening. That was the only time I was thankful for having a broken leg.

The x-rays proved my theory right. I have two fractured ribs, and damn…having fractured ribs is a lot worse than having a broken leg. They had to wrap this special tape around my chest, and told me that I should try to stay as still as I can for the next few weeks. I looked at them like they were crazy. I don’t know how they expect me to stay still. I mean come on, I’m a dancer…a performer, and I need to be on my feet. Hell, when I had a broken leg that time, I still went out to the club, and I still went out on the dance floor…even though I looked like an asshole for doing it.

I told the doctor that I was going to have a lot of trouble sitting still for that amount of time. I guess I was hoping that he would have given me an alternative plan, but he didn’t. He only frowned and told me that if I didn’t do as I was told, it was possible that one of my ribs could cave in and puncture my lungs. Needless to say, I‘ve been trying hard not to move around a lot since he told me that. It’s really hard not to though. I mean, this tape is making me really uncomfortable and really itchy. All I want to do right now is rip it off and itch the skin underneath until all of my discomfort is taken care of…but I know I can’t. Damn it‘s so fucking ironic. We got out of there…away from those bastards, and yet I’m still uncomfortable. I’m still in pain, and I’m still confined. I can’t just go on and live my life…I have to stay where they tell me to stay, and I have to do what they tell me to do, until I’ve recovered from my injuries. It’s like…

Damn, it’s like I never got away at all.

I’ve been trying to do it all morning…focus on something. I’ve been hoping that if I pick out one specific thing and focus on it, I’ll be able to block out…block out his face, just for a few seconds. Shane…he comes and talks to me. He invades my thoughts. It started on the ambulance ride to the hospital. The paramedic was looking down at me, tending to the cuts and scratches on my face. I remember him telling me to close my eyes so he didn’t get any antiseptic in my eyes, and I did. But when I opened them again, the paramedic wasn’t there anymore. Shane was though. He was undressing, and looking at me with those cold, dark, evil eyes of his. He was smiling too. “Hey beautiful,” he said.

Then I threw up in one of those little barf bags.

Aside from this stupid cast, my stay in the hospital wasn’t that bad. After they took my x-rays and got me situated in the cast, they let me sleep for a few hours. It was nice…I didn’t wake up once. I guess Shane decided that I deserved a break. I was planning on taking a little nap like that at momma’s house on Friday afternoon, but then she sent me to get the cake, and I never got the chance to. She’s still a mess…momma. When I woke up from my nap, she was there at my side. It was a sight for sore eyes, and I think I might have smiled for the first time since all of this happened to us. She called me ‘baby babe’ and I hugged and kissed her. It was familiar, normal. I felt safe for the first time in three days.

We talked for a little while, and she asked me the same questions any mother would ask. She wanted to know what they did to me. She couldn‘t really understand why I was beat up so bad, because Kerri barely had a scratch on her. I managed to tell her some things. I told her about that first night, about how Shane almost killed Kerri, and how I begged him to change his mind. I told her about the car ride to the house, and how Shane beat me up when we got there. My mom didn’t start to freak out or anything. She just sat there and held my hand and listened to me. I was so thankful, because if she’d lost it and cried and shit…I don’t know if I would have been able to handle it. I would have been very uncomfortable, and probably would have lashed out at her. That’s the good thing about my mom though. She’s never been one to totally lose it in front of me. She’s good at keeping her emotions bottled up inside of her. I guess…I guess that’s where I get it from.

I didn’t tell my mother about the rape. I didn’t hint towards it…I didn’t even go so far as to tell her about how Kerri and I were separated for all that time. I knew she wouldn’t understand, I knew that she would have a hard time accepting what Shane turned me into if I told her. It hurts like hell holding it all in though. This whole day, I’ve felt like I’m about to explode. This burden…it’s so big. This is the biggest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my lifetime. It’s almost funny…what happened between Britney and I hardly matters anymore. I…I don’t even feel anything about it now. I’m numb…

The only thing I can see is Shane. The only thing I can hear is his voice. The only thing I can feel are his hands and lips on my skin. But dammit, he’s dead. If he’s dead why is this still happening? I mean, of course the memory of what happened is going to stick with me, but the physical stuff…shouldn’t it have passed already? Maybe I’m going crazy…or maybe, I just don’t want to forget. God…I don’t fuckin know. Maybe, maybe I should ask somebody about all of this. Yeah, somebody that understands. Maybe like a shrink, or Trace or hell, maybe even Kerri…

I feel really shitty, because I didn’t go talk to Kerri at all while we were in the hospital. It wouldn’t have been that hard to get in a wheelchair and roll next door. I guess I was just so caught up with everything, that I didn‘t get a chance too. I mean, I had Trace interrogating me about ’my feelings‘, I had my mother sitting with me, trying to get me to ‘open up a little more’. Then Cam came, and I had to explain to my mother why I hadn’t bothered to tell her about us. The whole thing was more pressure than I needed, and I guess if I went to see Kerri, I would have felt it even more. I know she would have given me that look…like she knows something happened to me. And fucking Siobhan probably would have blamed me for her kidnapping. Okay, I admit it…I avoided her. But once we get home, I don’t think I’ll be able to avoid her for long. I’m sure we’ll run into each other at some point, and I’ll see that look on her face again. Then I’m going to have to make a decision. I’m going to either have to tell her, or not tell her…and push her away from me forever.

Man, I really don’t need all of this pressure. I’m going to lose my mind…

I close my eyes, immediately knowing I shouldn’t have. When I close my eyes, I can see Shane, clear as day. Right now, he’s standing over me. He’s taking his clothes off again. I can’t move, just like I couldn’t when he was raping me. Now he’s naked. He kisses me hard on the mouth and rolls me over on my stomach. I try to push him off of me, but he’s so strong, and I’m too weak. I feel his hot, disgusting breath in my ear, and then I hear him say:

It’s our secret, Justin. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever, ever tell…even if they try to make you. It’s our only defense. I love you…and I know you love me. Don’t let them take that away from us. He presses his gun to my head, and I flinch. Say it…say you won’t tell…

“I won’t tell,” I whimper. My eyes snap open. I’m sure I just said that out loud.

“What happened baby?”

I look over at Cameron, and bite my lip. “Um…nothing,” I lie. “I was just thinking out loud.”

Cameron got to the hospital a little bit after I’d woken up from my nap, and she hasn’t left my side since. At first, I was really nervous, because I didn’t know how my mother was going to react. I know she’s a little hurt that I didn’t tell her about my relationship and how serious it’s starting to become…but I don’t think she’s surprised…she wasn’t around enough to distract me from meeting women during the tour. This tour was a long, strenuous one, and I’m sorry to say that my mother spent more time on the phone with Johnny than anything else. We didn’t really have much time to talk and I’m starting to think that’s why I got so messed up with my diet and shit. Trace was the only person I could really talk to, and I was embarrassed to tell him about my diet problems, and how lonely I felt. We’re guys, and guys don’t have eating disorders…guy’s don’t feel lonely…

And guys don’t get raped.

That’s right. Guys don’t get raped. Guys have control of themselves. So that has to mean that I had sex with Shane. I had sex with him because I wanted him. I had sex with him because I’m gay. I’m a fucking queer. Christ, what am I going to tell Cam? What’s going to happen in a week or two when she wants to have sex? What am I going to tell her…that I’m gay? Hell no. But I know I won’t let her touch me either. Dammit, I’m still in a mess. I got us out of there…and it’s still not over. I still have to deal with all of this shit. I’m going to go crazy. I need to talk to somebody…

Cam gives me a soft kiss on the cheek and squeezes my hand. “Don’t think so much,” she whispers. “Talk to me. That’s why I’m here.”

I open my mouth. I want to talk to her. I want to tell her what happened. I mean, we’re falling in love. And when you love somebody, you love them no matter what they’ve done or what they’ve been through, right? She’ll understand. She’ll tell me it’s not my fault, and she’ll still love me. Then I’ll be okay. I’ll snap out of this gay phase. I’ll be normal again. “Cam,” I hear myself say.

She strokes the side of my face…the side with the really big welt on it. “Yeah babe?” Her eyes are sad, and full of concern. I want to tell her…I want to tell her more than anything…

But then her phone starts to ring.

“Jesus Christ!” she whines. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and looks at the id. “Shit Justin,” she groans. “It’s my agent, I have to take it.” She kisses me quickly, and I try as hard as I can not to cringe. “I promise, when we get back to your mom’s I’ll shut us up in a bedroom and you can tell me whatever you need to.” She flips her phone open, and grunts a hello.

I stare out the car window and sigh a little. I’m going to be out of her thoughts for at least an hour. I know by that time, I’ll have buried Shane and the sex deep within me, where only I can access it. Over time, I’ll probably get better at keeping it locked away too. Then…then maybe I’ll never talk about it. I’ll live my life, and grow old and die and nobody will ever know what really happened to me.

But really, maybe it’s better that way. If nobody knows, nobody can ridicule me or hate me. I’ll still be the same person in their eyes…and it will be good for them. Nobody wants to see me admit it. That I had sex with a man, and that I enjoyed that sex. In this business, you need to be flawless, you need to maintain that perfect image that everybody has of you. Stuff like that snatches that image out of you and casts it to the wind. I’m not going to let it happen. Shane is dead, and I shouldn’t allow him to take more from me than he already has. He can still tell me he loves me, he can still tell me that what we did is a secret…that’s okay, I can accept that because it happened and I can’t change the past. But I can change the future, and I’ll be damned if Shane is going to kill my chances of getting back to my regular life style.

I’ll do whatever it takes, to drive his spirit out of me.

*************

From the moment I stepped out of the car that day, my life completely changed. Every where I looked, flashes were going off, and camera’s and microphones were being thrust in my face. Then the reporters started to attack me. They were all shouting my name, like they knew me. Like I was some kind of celebrity. They were rattling off questions of all types. They wanted to know how I knew Justin. They wanted to know if we were tortured or injured. They wanted to know too much, and I wasn’t about to stop and talk to them. They actually tried to grab onto me to make me stop at one point, and the FBI agents that escorted us through the crowd had to shove them out of the way, and threaten to have them arrested if they didn’t stay back. It was scary. I’d never been through anything like that before, not even when I was touring with NSYNC. The fans were rowdy, and sometimes they could get really crazy. But they never got that pushy…not when I was around anyway.

Amidst the chaos, I remember seeing Justin. Tiny had him by the arm and was pulling him toward his mother’s doorstep. He had that same look of panic and confusion on his face that he had when he killed Shane out by the ditch. I knew the press was overwhelming him. I knew he had enough on his mind as it was, and I was so afraid he was going to break down in front of the camera’s. I was so worried in fact, that I almost started to run over to him and get him away from those fucking people myself. Then I remembered Justin and I hadn’t spoken since we were checked into the hospital. He was rushed right to x-ray and I was sent to bed. When I woke up, I was hoping he would have come to see me…but he didn’t. I guess it was because he was spending time with Lynn and his girlfriend. That was the explanation that Trace gave me later on anyway. But deep down…I knew there was more to it. Three years apart or not, Justin and I went through something major together. I mean, I guess I probably could have went to talk to him, but I felt weird about it. I was so afraid I was going to walk into his room, and his girlfriend would be there. Then…she would probably want to talk to me and shit. I didn’t want to deal with Cameron Diaz. I didn’t want her to pretend to be nice to me. Cameron…she’s not somebody I need to be associating with. She’s part of Justin’s whole thing…not mine.

But that doesn’t mean Justin couldn’t have taken ten minutes out of his day to see how I was. And that told me something…

It told me that he was avoiding me.

It was weird seeing Cameron up close. She looks a lot different than she does in the movies and in magazines. She’s not so tall…not so pretty. She’s got a really nice body though. That slim sexy body that Siobhan complains she’ll never have. Her hips are what really makes her a sight to see. They’re not too wide, like mine are. They accent her lower stomach and pelvis. I’m sure she can wear the tightest leather pants with ease, and make them look better on herself than they do on the rack. I guess you could say I started to envy her in a way. She has an attractiveness about her that’s hard to explain. When we arrived home that day, I knew it wouldn’t take long for Justin to remember why he found her so desirable to begin with. I guess…I guess I knew it wasn’t going to take much for him to forget about me all over again… and I was right.

I’m hurt that he’s still avoiding me. I was hoping that he would have come out of his shell by now, and tried to talk to me about all this, or at least ask how I was handling things. But he hasn’t. There hasn’t been a phone call, or a text message…nothing. I’ve seen Trace a couple of times, and I even went so far as to ask him what the hell Justin’s problem was. Then he just stared at me, like he was angry with me or something and said ‘don’t act like you don’t know.’

Trace…he’s like this different person now. All he talks about is the kidnapping, and all he wants me to tell him is what happened to us so he can try to find out what’s wrong with Justin. It’s like he doesn’t care about me, about how I was locked in that dark shed for hours on end. I told him that too and he got really pissed off at me. Then I went into the house, and slammed the door in his face. I’m not speaking to Trace right now. I can’t. Not if he’s going to come around and act like Justin is the only one in pain right now. Damn it, I’m in pain too. Why can’t he understand? Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he realize how much I love him and how much I need him to be here and help me through all of this?

Hell maybe he does. And maybe he doesn’t give a shit either.

Siobhan stayed for three days, which was awesome because I could only take so much of my mother’s eccentrics throughout the course of a day before I had to leave the house. Siobhan and I went shopping, and just…talked like we always do. She didn’t really bring up the kidnapping though, not unless I started talking about it. But even then…the conversation wasn’t that serious. We weren’t talking about the violent part of it, we were talking about Justin and how we put up with each other in that little locked room. Siobhan was surprised that we got along so well. Hell, I’m still surprised that we got along. I’m still surprised that…he was brave enough to sneak up on Shane and save my life.

My god. He really did save my life didn’t he?

“Kerri.”

I finish tying the ribbon in Mary’s hair and allow her to turn around and face me. I smile at her, and kiss her on the nose. She giggles a little, and leans into me, running her small hands through my hair. Mary is the one person that’s kept me sane since we arrived home a week ago. She’s so oblivious. She doesn’t know what really happened. She thinks I was at school, like I knew she would. She even went so far as to make me a welcome home card for me. It was heartwarming. I silently thanked the lord that I was lucky enough to sit on the couch with Mary on my lap again, and look at her artwork. I’ve been relishing moments like that this week. I know how things could have turned out. I know I could be dead right now.

I’ve been trying not to think about it…how things would have went if I’d died. I really don’t know what my mother would have done. Would she have been able to go on and raise Mary properly? I seriously doubt it, just because of the way she acted for the duration of my hospital stay. She broke down nearly every time she sat with me, and I hardly got to relax at all. I was never more thankful when the doctor told me that I could go home. I figured I would be able to get some rest…shut myself away from my mother and her eccentric ramblings. But I was wrong. Her moods have gone from bad…to practically unbearable. She’s so nervous now. She doesn’t leave the doors unlocked when she’s inside. If she can’t see or hear me, she’ll scream my name and start to freak out, unless she knows I’m sleeping. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect Mary. I know she loves to play outside when it’s nice out, and I know my mother will be entirely too paranoid to allow her outside to play with the other children in the neighborhood. I really need to have a talk with my father about that too, because if Mary’s childhood is ruined because of that one stupid trip to the bakery, I’ll never forgive myself.

My father didn’t exactly apologize for abandoning me at the hospital, but I knew he wouldn’t. He’s not the type to come out and apologize like that. He makes up for what he does wrong, in his own way. A day or two after I got home, we took a long ride in the car and he rambled on about when he was younger and how he got lost in the woods. It was strange, and I didn’t really know what to make of the conversation. He kept saying something about survival and how being strong was the only way to overcome something so tragic. I didn’t say much. I mean, what could I say? My father is a strong believer in ‘tough love’, and I knew if I started to open up to him about the kidnapping and what those bastards put us through, he would try to change the subject. So I sat…I listened to him. Then we stopped at Rita’s for some chicken and waffles, like we used to do when I was a little kid. It was familiar, and I was thankful. But at the same time I still didn’t know how he felt about the about the situation . In fact, I don’t think he’ll ever be able to fully grasp what happened to me…to us.

I sigh, and let my gaze fall on my sister again. She has her little doll in her hands, and she‘s trying to put it‘s hair in pigtails like I did to her. It‘s not working out though. Every time she tries to tie the ribbon, the hair either falls out of place or she can‘t figure out how to fasten the bow. After a moment, she whines in defeat and gives up. I laugh a little, and rub her shoulder reassuringly. “How about we go to the zoo tomorrow?” I ask her, hoping it will take her mind off of her mishap. I take one of her silky pigtails in my hand and run my fingers through it. “Remember Mare? Like I promised?”

I see her face light up. “Really?” she asks excitedly. She leans her head back and looks up at me. “We can really go Kerri?”

“Yes,” I say, tickling her stomach a bit. She squeals with laughter, and it causes my smile to grow wider. “We’ll go…and we’ll see the giraffes and the zebra’s and…”

“The monkey’s and the bewds…”

“Right,” I say. “And we’ll get an ice cream!”

“Chocolate!” she yells.

“You can have chocolate,” I promise. “But I’m getting vanilla.”

“Icky,” she pouts, and sticks out her tongue. “I hate ‘nilla.”

“But I like it,” I laugh, and get up from the ground. “Come on, lets go inside.” I hold out my hand for her to take. She grabs onto it eagerly and starts babbling about what we are going to do once we get inside. She tells me it’s almost time for Tiny Toons, and I smile and reassure her that I’ll watch her show with her. I let go of her hand and she skips along in front of me, and I speed up my step to catch up with her. I know that if my mother sees her come up to the house by herself, she’ll have a coronary.

“Kerri!”

I hear Mary scream my name, and my heart starts to race. She sounds frightened. The paranoia I have come to know so well sets in and I frantically start running towards the house. Then I see what’s caused her to become so scared, and I feel like an ass. There is somebody sitting on our porch swing, somebody she doesn’t recognize. But of course she wouldn’t be able to recognize him. She doesn’t know Justin. She was just a baby when he held her in his arms, and he hasn’t come to visit her since we stopped talking three years ago. “It’s okay,” I tell her softly. “It’s just…my friend.”

She looks at me with wide eyes. “Your friend?”

I nod. “Yeah. Why don’t you go inside. I’ll be along in just a little while.” Really, I should just walk right past Justin and go into the house. He doesn’t deserve the time of day from me after he’s ignored me for all this time. But then, I know I can’t just ignore him. My heart’s too big, and I care about him too much. Damn it. It’s not fucking fair. I don’t look at Justin as I unlock my front door, and let Mary inside.

“Hurry,” she whispers. “I want you to do tha voices, Kerri.”

“I’ll be quick, like the roadrunner,” I reassure her. Then she runs inside, and I close the door behind her. Realizing there is nothing left to do but face the music, I turn around and look at Justin. He doesn’t look at me though. He’s sitting there on the porch swing, gazing out into the distance. I wonder why he’s even here. Isn’t his entire family back at Lynn’s house? Won’t his girlfriend be mad that he came to see me?

“You know, I really feel bad about all those times I ditched you to go dirt biking with Trace,” he says suddenly. “If I could have, I would have picked you something better than dandelions, Kerri.”

I let out a defeated sigh. I don’t know what the hell to say to that. I don’t even know why he’s saying this shit to me. I don’t know what else to do though, so I take a seat beside him on the porch swing. “It’s okay,” I say pathetically. I set my gaze across the street…on that damn tree in the front of Lynn’s house. That same one he pushed me out of that time. I rub my hand up and down my arm, remembering how much it hurt when I broke it all those years ago.

“Trace told me I should come see you.”

My eyes widen, and after a moment, I’m finally able to look over at him. He looks a little more like himself now. The cuts and bruises on his face have cleared up a lot. He’s still got a bandage over that cut on his forehead though…the one I tried to clean. I remember the look in his eyes that night. Despite everything else, they still had hope in them. He knew we were going to get out of there then…he still had hope. That was before…before they did, whatever they did to him. “He did?” I ask him. “Why?”

“Because you’re my best friend, and you almost died,” he says regretfully. “I should have…I know I should have realized that in the hospital. But I guess, I just needed space.” He nods, seeming to agree with himself.

“You still need space,” I inform him. I get up from the swing and lean over the porch railing. “If you didn’t, you would have came over here on your own. Trace wouldn’t have had to tell you.”

An awkward moment of silence passes. He knows I’m right.

“I figured you would be happy to see me. You always used to be.”

I glance over my shoulder. “We’re not the same friends we used to be,” I remind him. “You know that, Justin.”

He bows his head and rubs his face with his hands. It’s like he’s suddenly remembered that the first time we hung out in three years was in little locked basement, not knowing if we’d make it out alive. “I’m trying here,” he tells me. “I mean, I’m not even supposed to be walking around. But I went there…I got off my ass and came over to see you. The least you could do is…”

“Is what?” I snap. “Force a smile and pretend that everything is okay?” I whirl around and flash him a fake grin. “Everything is great,” I say sarcastically. “Do you feel better now?”

“You know, this is hard for me Ker.”

“Why do you think you’re the only one who went through this kidnapping? Justin, I was there too remember? I had a gun to my head. Shane was digging that ditch for me. I almost died…”

“And I fucking…” He cuts me off and points his finger at me angrily. “I…he…”

I can see the tears in his eyes. He’s about to tell me something. Something nobody else knows about. Something nobody else can know about. “What is it?” I whisper.

He sucks in a breath, and painfully staggers to his feet. “It’s nothing. Just forget it okay? Coming here was just…it was a mistake. Have a safe flight back to New York, whenever you go…and maybe I’ll call you if I’m not too busy.”

He slowly starts away from me, clutching his chest as he does so. I can’t believe they allowed him to walk over here in his condition. Well, maybe they didn’t. Maybe he snuck out. Justin has always been notorious for that. When we were little kids, sometimes he wouldn’t’ be able to sleep and he would sneak across the street and climb in my window. Once his mom woke up and started to freak out that he wasn’t’ in his bedroom. Then she called my parents, and they found him sleeping in my room. He got grounded for a week for that one.

I can’t let him walk away from me though. If I do, he’ll never be able to talk about what those bastards did to him. He needs to get this out. I follow him down the steps and catch up with him halfway down my front lawn. “You need to talk about this,” I tell him.

He stops in his tracks and looks at me. I see it in his eyes. He’s not okay. He’s lost, confused, and full of pain. I mean, I know I am too, but I’ve been really good at keeping it locked away. Whatever it is that Justin is going through, it’s too much for him to hide completely. “I don’t need to talk about anything with you,” he mutters. “I’m. Fine.”

I let out a sad laugh. “If you didn’t want to talk to me, then why did you come over here?”

My response seems to shock him, and his eyes widen a little. “I…I don’t know,” he says quickly.

“Tell me what happened to you,” I persist. “I know it’s hard, but hell Justin, I was there okay? I know what those guys were capable of.”

His bottom lip trembles a bit, but he pulls himself together quickly. “No you don’t,” he whispers.

It was our secret… My eyes widen, and I stare at him for a long time. Then I finally find it in me to ask him about it. “What’s the secret,” I say, feeling the tears forming behind my eyelids. “What did Shane do?”

His eyes widen. “W-what?”

“Out by the ditch that day…you told Shane. You said…you said it was your secret, and that he promised not to tell.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” There is a slight tremble in his voice, and he knows that I’ve started to figure him out. He doesn’t like it though. Not at all. “What, do you think I’m fucking gay or something? That I had something going on with that motherfucker?”

I tremble. “I never said you were gay…”

“Well I’m not,” he grunts. “And you better get that through your fucking head real quick, Kerri.”

He‘s being way too defensive right now, and I don‘t know what to think. I know this is about Shane, that whatever he did probably didn‘t involve Nathan at all. Nathan was a twisted fuck, but I know he didn‘t have it in him to do the kinds of things Shane was capable of. “Justin, come on. Don‘t be this way. Just talk to me. I won‘t tell anybody. It will be our secret, I promise you.”

His brow furrows in confusion. “What did you say?“

I cock my head to the side. “I said…it will be our secret, Justin.” I try to reach out for his hand, but he pushes me away from him roughly.

“Don’t touch me!” he yells. His eyes are wild, crazed, like he wants to kill somebody “Don’t you ever fucking touch me!”

I stare at him and I feel myself start to grow angrier inside. I’m appalled. Justin has never been this rough with me before. I don’t know what the hell makes him think it‘s okay to act this way with me either. All I know is that I’m crying now, and I don’t’ know what to think of what he’s just done. But he doesn’t comfort me, or try to apologize. He just storms back across the street, shaking his head the entire way. I realize that he’s not going to talk to me about this. He’s not going to talk to anybody. I guess he can’t. I guess what happened to him has hurt him so deeply that…he’s too embarrassed to talk about it.

He’s embarrassed. No, it’s more than embarrassed. Justin is devastated. I know why, at least I’m pretty sure I do. I really wish I didn’t. Then I wouldn’t feel like I was obligated to help him. But I do know, and I can’t change that. All I can do is hope that Justin comes to his senses and decides to tell somebody…anybody…

Before he loses his mind.

STARTING OVER